I have decided to write you letters about everything i feel. I am going to try this because i find it an easier way to express myself. I badly needed a true friend right now. And i hope you are the one.
I am a total disaster these days and there are many reasons for me being so.
When people ask me how i am, i just say them i am OK or i am good. I wish there are more people with whom i can share my true feelings and my true pain. I always wonder, why am i made this complex. Why is my mind always this complicated. Why do people find me complicated enough to not be friends with me?
When i mean friends, i mean Close friends and Best friends. I have many friends and the count of Close one’s is a handful and don’t even bother thinking about best friends. I have none to call best friends. I guess i am never a friendship material.
And how can i not? Running away from people has been my salient feature. One of my Once Close friend told me this once, that i can be friends with anyone very easily though i look reserved and i have got a shell of a my own variety. I can be very friendly with people at times and they even start thinking that i am THE Best of their friends. But once i am this close, i start moving away from them.
Until unless there is a necessity to be in contact or the other person is too stubborn enough not to leave me i never bother getting close to them again.
And such situations are very less or i should say rarely happen.
Its not that i start hating people after i start knowing them. It is just that my shell comes in here. I cannot stay close to people for long. I wish i relocate for every 6 months or so. I should say, i run away from people. This is not something i plan to do. It just happens that way. Which is why i never had best friends in school and college. And i guess i am not going to make best friends anymore..i am working in the same office for the past 2.5 years and i have no one to talk about all this.
And people who bear with this behavior of mine take a lot of pain and they really love me that they cannot leave me.
I know i am a constant pain to them..but i can’t help being that way. I can just bend my-selves sometimes that i pay some interest in their lives and they are very happy when i start mixing with people. But i return to my original self very soon. And that is one regular pattern of my life.
I never know how many good friends i lost just because of this behavior of mine. Its not that they are not important to me anymore. I have the same respect and love that i had when i was their close friend. Its just that i am no longer their close friend. There are also cases when people themselves moved away from me.
Counting these little no. of cases, i used to think that its the others who move away from me all the time. But once i started knowing me better, i realized that in most cases it is me who moved away from people.
I just hate myself for being so. When i look back, i see no one close enough to share any private or personal feelings of mine. I see my once super close friends no longer close to me. That hurts like hell.
Another trait of mine is, i long for people’s love, affection and friendship and when i start getting them, i begin to feel inferior. In fact, inferior enough to think that they were not trying to be my friends but they are pitying on me for being a loner. And that i do not deserve to be their friend since i am less than them in some stupid way.
And doing all this, don’t i feel lonely and empty in life? No. I don’t. Well, Some times i do. But such occasions are too rare just like this one. I run away from people and keep my-selves so busy that i never feel the loneliness that is created by the absence of people.
I replace people by books, movies, TV shows. Nothing else appeases my lonely heart. Yeah, food does sometimes. I’m even venturing new areas these days, but i very well know that people are never replaceable.
This is one very private thing about mine that i could never even think of sharing with any of my friends now or even in future. It is not that i do not like sharing this with them, i am just afraid or not comfortable enough to share these feelings of mine with them.
And dear Krishna, i love you enough that i can share all my secrets with you. It does not matter how personal or private they are. After all, how can i not trust my confidante who is with me all the while throughout the days of my childhood. You are the foundation of the emotional and spiritual support i get in this world.
Thanks for being with me all the while.
And to everyone out there, Krishna is some one who is everything. One call him God, one call him as a path of light that breaks the ignorance within you, one call him life and one call him everything – both the creator and the destroyer.
But to me, he is Krishna. The Ultimate light that shows the path to a beautiful thing called unconditional love and the power that gives me everything i deserve.
And i just wish Krishna, to provide me with a friend, one who can be his replica in my life, one who can be my friend for life.
That was the only one wish that i had for life.
And this is me.