I think this is one hell of a day.
I happened to enjoy the luxury of a happy sleep after a relatively long time and so I woke up feeling fresh, happy n rejuvenated. It is a big day in India with election results coming out and work was hectic as usual.
The day passed so fast with all the poll results excitement and pressures related to deliverables and pending work. The polls somehow showed a ray of hope for the future and I somehow managed to finish the work on hand and called it a day.
It was just a day before that, i decided to ask my friend G to go with me on my morning walks. I happened to come early from office for the first time in this week and I was walking the short distance from bus stop to my home when he called and said he was waiting. And when I reached home, there he was waiting on the front porch and told me that he was going for morning walks since a couple of days n that’s what I wanted to ask him. It was a total surprise to me. He was more than ready to have my company and I’m happy.
I wanted to sleep early as I was planning to go for a walk tomorrow and so i tried lying down and then descended all the thoughts.
I had two realisations. There is this guy with whom I broke up and I always thought it was a mistake accepting his proposal in the first place. I broke up with him because I couldn’t bear his possessiveness anymore and I felt that I needed to concentrate on my career more. But now that I think of it, I feel like I did the right thing accepting his love and did the right thing breaking up with him. Had I not loved him, I would’ve never known how it would be and would always regret rejecting his proposal. In fact I did a good thing trying to give our relationship a chance to see if there is any possibility of it working out or not. I know him better now. Though he is naturally a good guy, did not make a good boyfriend at that stage of life. Our priorities were different and I didn’t want either of us to compromise. And so I did the right thing breaking up with him. This is realisation set 1. I am so much relieved of the burden that I lost a really valuable friend accepting his love n later leaving him. That’s one less of a burden and it’s something to be really happy about.
There was this other guy A to whom I am attracted to. There is nothing in him that I’m not attracted to/about. I seriously think I love him. The problem is he is too good that I never ever feel worthy enough for him. I know I shouldn’t be feeling/thinking like this and this is really bad but I can’t help it! He knew me so well (or at least i think so!) that he could predict every single action and response of mine in any situation. He thinks exactly the same as me(or maybe not!).
This always makes me wonder if I’m really that hideous about my feelings that he is so blind to recognize them. I also wonder if he actually knows what I’m thinking and is just trying to avoid that topic and me altogether. I don’t know, but I wish it was not the 2nd reason.
Now, I somehow thought about all of these, looking about his new profile pic in whatsapp. Then it suddenly dawned upon me that he is never actually interested in me and talked to me only when he is bored or when I forced(ping in whatsapp) him to. If he really has any such intentions, he would directly tell me or at least keep talking to me or would’ve shown real interest in me.
Clearly, he is a guy and a Leo that too. A Leo would never shy away from anything. That’s for sure.
So I realized that my love for him is an one sided thing and will remain an unrequited one if I stick on to it.
I just can’t stop myself from thinking about him but at the least I can try to stop myself from waiting for him. This is realisation set 2.
Finally, wondering if I will ever stop doing things at night realizing the importance of sleep! 🙂
I think this is one hell of a day.