These days its too hard not to get depressed.
Its not like I was never depressed before and depression is new to me. I had just enough episodes to know what depression is.
Despite all those episodes, I used to be a happy person. Nothing ever did any permanent damage as I used to look at the happy aspects of life.
But I am afraid, I am no more that way and sadly, i’m being/behaving the other way round. I am having these episodes of happiness with depression always looming around the corner ready to take its place.
Clearly, I am not happy with me being this way and I equally am disappointed with the way i’m behaving lately. I was hurting everyone. Most importantly, the ones that I love the most are my victims here.
I can see all the bad symptoms. Decreased/No patience, Anger, senseless talk, irrational behavior, rude/impolite words, super jealous and what not – i’m sure i’ve missed many!
I don’t and never wanted to be this person that i’ve become. I really want to change atleast to the person who I actually am. I am never this depressed about me. I do something really bad, I obviously regret the deed, get depressed, cope up, do bad again. And the cycle continues. I don’t even remember that happy girl anymore.
Thinking all of this, I made a list of the things that are the major reasons for my mood swings n all. This might help me reassess my actions and put me on the right track.
1. Being fat – yes, i am. I weighed 89 kgs yesterday. Effing 89 !
I am 25 kilos overweight and I will be 25 this July. How coincidental!
2. Not getting married. Now, don’t get shocked or start judging me. I will be way past the correct age in an year.
3. Work that has become too demanding and hectic.
4. Health problems – mine and families as well.
Surprisingly, these are the four foundation pillars upon which I am building my disastrous, disappointing and, depressive life.
If I have to, it would take 4 different posts to explain what’s happening with each one. Maybe, sometime later but not now. Listing these is a difficult task itself. I need to think somemore and come up with a solid action plan. For now, I am thinking of proceeding by being sincere to me and updating here so that I stay on the right path.
Wish me good luck and lots of love.