Since I have already begun this story, I decided to explain it in detail. No shortcuts or jumpstarts, everything slow, steady n detailed.
Tell you the truth, I was actually confused on where to start. Reasons being, the topic itself is not an easy one which in fact is a highly emotional journey and might also be boring. But I brushed aside all the thoughts and gathered some courage to start.
They say that life is never easier for a fat kid. But think of it, it was never a problem to me. I clearly don’t remember any episodes of being the fat kid during my early childhood. And from my mom, my pictures n my memories, i was never a fat girl but was a tall and lean one. And moreover, I had chicken pox and hepatitis b both when i’m in 5th class and as a result, I became more lean that year.
I am not sure what exactly happened after that but I remember a day when I was trying to fit into this really nice dress of mine and I couldn’t. It was in 7th class I guess. That was when I noticed for the first time that my body is changing a lot and at a faster pace too. But still I was just considered cute and sweet(of course, by my mum n family).
It was in 8th class that I had this shock of my life. We were weighed in for some stupid study and I weighed 72. It was just an year or so before that, when I weighed somewhere around 65 and then boom came up to 72 when almost all of my friends averaged around 55-58.
It was a disaster and I was really ashamed to go to school for a couple of days.
It was then that I asked my mother for the first time if I was fat. And she just said that I was a little chubby but not fat. No one in school fat shamed me. It was just me who had the complex. I became so insecure.
Then, luckily I got to change schools due to my mother’s transfer to a different place. And this was a school where I studied till my 5th class n I know almost everyone since we were kids. With change in uniform n school, my confidence grew and my insecurities were pushed into the farthest corners I never knew were there. I had this feeling of being the heavy one among others but I never really cared about it. This was a phase of my life where I just cared about myself and lived my life to the fullest. And at this point of time, I was that high school kid who cycled a lot and played lot of games and did track n field events at school. I even used to do my own sort of meditation too. I never had the pressure of exams or targets for ranks.
All thanks to the ashram school that I studied. I studied in an Aurobindo school, a school with its own basketball ground, pingpong tables, 2 libraries, a meditation hall and gita recitals. I am explaining you all these just to tell you why i was distracted from my body issues. School was never tough and in fact was so good and thanks to all those activities, I was always healthy and active. But there was this chubbiness factor always hanging around the corner just waiting for the right time to takeover my body/brain again.
I just never noticed it. And as for everyone, school life is over in no time. I went to a residential junior college. Let me tell you, they are called hell holes where only your ranks matter and nothing else. I was in this high pressure environment for 2 years.
Forget about studies, ranks and grades. I felt lucky that I came out alive. Expectations on me were at their peaks and I tumbled down the hill faster than anyone would ever expect. By the time i came out, my confidence levels dropped to an all time low and I was this fat 17 year old with no goals or hopes for future. Junior college almost killed me from within. Though in the wrong way, food was my only solace and that is the only thing that had no restrictions on. And I took advantage. Eating all those bakery foods was my only happy memory from junior college.
This was the hardest phase of my life and I don’t know whom to blame. My parents were doing what they thought was best for me and I at that time thought that they were my worst enemies. Now as I see it, my teen years weren’t easy for them as well. I struggled, suffered and so did they.
To be continued…