Now I know.

Post written on one gloomy rainy day in August 2013 but posting now, almost a year later, just because i don’t want to let go of the emotion or rely on my memory for the experiences this particular incident caused me.
Don’t mind huh. Just wanted this place to represent the real me and her feelings.

🙂
All days are not happy days. There will be bad time and bad days too. And to me, the bad phase has passed on. Atleast i think so. But i really am happy for being able to say that. As i said in one of my old posts(June 2013), i have been having issues with some people lately.

The thought of apologizing to them also crossed my mind. But i always brushed it aside. One may call it Ego or that i don’t value the relationship in a proper way, but deep in my heart, i know it is none of these reasons.I just refused to bend before someone’s stupidity. It was that someone who never deserved me. This is what i always had in mind.

But, there is always some feeling of guilt in some corner of my heart. I always worried about it. I always felt the pain of it.
I am not going to make up with those people who caused me the pain or try cover up the scars and behave normal. Its clear that i no more want any relation with those people. Then, what is hurting me? Why do i have this pain of guilt within me? I was thinking about these questions all the time but never found any good answers. May be i was too busy thinking about the problem while the answer always stayed behind. But today, was some sort of a good day to me. I think i just found some answers to my questions.

Earlier, I did not want to post any thing about the issues that happened as i never wanted these bitter memories to be a part of my life any more.

But i know, i can’t pretend that all of those never happened. I can’t run away from my life. I have to be clear of what had happened and why they have happened. And if i am at fault, i need to correct myself and should be careful enough not to repeat those mistakes again. And if it is the other one who is at fault, i need to be careful that i handle things in a much better way than this, that i do not get hurt in the process.

Though late, i realised this well.

I was never an extrovert with people at work. I never talk about my feelings and opinions unless i think of them as really good friends or really nice people to be with. And there is this person on whom i never had a great opinion from the beginning and he was so intrusive that he forces himself into others lives. He always had issues with the way i behave/talk. He used to tell that always. But being the stupid i am, i always ignored the comments. I thought, may be that was his way of expressing things.
I never let people’s comments affect me when i think they are not worth it or when i think that they are not mature enough to pass a comment on me. I know he cannot keep secrets. I know he can definitely pull me down the ladder if he thinks that helps him. I know he is not as responsible as he appears to be. He is one such person who is totally different from what he appears to be.
And still, i believed that he could be a friend to me. I never realised that it was not just intrusiveness but was a lack of empathy too. I have to admit. i blindly ignored all the signs. The only reason was, i never thought that i should have a negative opinion on him just because i see some red flags. I thought, i should not be judging him just because of a few words.

But finally, a day came when some simple thing that i said hit him hard that he burst out. I never knew that he has all that wrath on me. I was shocked at his behaviour. That moment, i just wondered how immature a person can be. And he stopped talking to me since then.
I was in a foreign country, living in a B & B with a couple of colleagues and they stop talking to me for something which is not even my fault. One should know how painful and disturbing that was. I just hated those moments. I thought about the incidents a thousand times again and again. If i am really at fault, i should be noticing it at some point of time. They made me feel guilty for something that i’m never wrong about.

Then, i decided that i don’t deserve any of this. Instead of blaming them and myself for the loneliness and pain, i should be happy that i now at least know what people are like. Knowing them better, helped me realise that they are not trustworthy. And that it is total bullshit if they say they care for me. And also, after that incident the same person pointed out a couple of times that they(he and the other guy) care for me a lot but i don’t deserve any of that.

After the first set of incidents, i was totally ignored and left alone. And statements that i do not deserve their care and attention sealed the pact for me. I never again wanted to be friends with them again. Being friends is a distant thing, i don’t even want to be the helping colleague. I wanted to be that colleague who minds her own when it comes to them. Gone are those days when i used to put extra effort and extra time just to help them.

And in one way, he is true. I do not deserve such people. I deserve better ones.

I am happy that i stood by my decision. But still, despite all these reasons and the analysis i did on the incident and on me, i always had this guilt. And the answer that i realised today is, despite all the pain and hurt that i have experienced, it is the pain of losing a hard built relation which hurt me more. It is never easy to accept a person as a friend when you never had a good first impression. Still i gave my 100% to make it right. Convincing your mind & heart that they can be your friends or that may be they are good persons whom you just happened to meet in a wrong moment, is really hard to do. I did all of those and when i had to take the decision of not to be friends any more with that person, it is obvious that it hurt me a lot.

But it was the right decision. If not now, this would have happened any time in future and i should be happy that it happened now. As it would hurt more if the friendship is more stronger. So, i am happy that i made the decision. I am happy that i am out of my guilt trip. I am happy that i had an answer. May be not the best answer, but will do untill i find the next best one.

I know. Everything in life is a lesson from which we learn something or the other. So, no regrets about anything that has happened.
I could just Thank life for everything. 🙂

Love.
Sahasra.

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