Well, i am in office, working over some client data and then suddenly all of these thoughts popped in.
I think it is the melodious song that i am listening to, that created the ripple. And since it is already created, i couldn’t stop thinking and i have to write this thing now. The song, was about nature. I mean, they used nature as the base concept to describe love. It was so lovely. I liked it so much and i started thinking about love and then the thoughts progressed towards my love life. Huh, boring it is. I know! It is boring because there is no one who can be called the love of my life.
Okay, back to the main topic again. When i think about things like love, marriage, husband, kids, family and future, i always dream of having a house of my own and being married to a person who loves me the most and have kids whom i can love unconditionally and all those beautiful dreams every other girl has. But then at times, i suddenly turn into this idealistic, free life loving person who imagines her life to be simple, yet very different. I imagine myself living in some foreign country living life on my own or may be have a boyfriend, has a great job that i am happy with, and with hobbies that i really enjoy doing and living a life with satisfaction and no regrets. I know this is some kind of Utopian dream. But that’s what i see. I just cannot think of a way where these two worlds meet.
One side, i am this regular simple girl who finished her graduation, working for the last 4 years, earning okay and waiting to get married(through an arranged marriage) to some person who is settled in the same way. This girl wants to make her parents happy. She thinks it is her duty towards them as their daughter. They are someone who gave their all for her. They never had a life of their own. They are the typical middle class Indian Parents. This girl would never have the courage to talk back to them and would never be living happily going against these parents, be it in career or personal life.
And then, here is this girl who is really not okay with the current job and this girl wants to study more like do a masters in whatever she is interested, travel the world, live or set base in a foreign country, date someone, fall in love, get married or live together with a person she could respect and love, adopt a kid, home school the kid, grow old with that loved one and one day leave. This seems like an impossible dream. Something that would never happen.
Why do i have this conflicting thoughts? Why do my dreams vary. Why can i not live my life just for myself. And the very next moment, why do i feel like it is really selfish to think of living just for myself. At what point in my life is it ok to think just about my dreams and life and not think about others.
How can i just define what i am? What do i actually need? How is it so easy for people to define themselves? Don’t they have this conflict in thoughts? Am i the only one who is wired this way? I just wish there were answers. I wish i could define myself with some word other than Confused.
Good day people. 🙂