Being alone is something that i got used to since forever. I have working parents and thanks to the 5 year age gap between us, me and my sister used to be in different schools and had different schedules most of the time. I always used to get more than enough time that I needed for myself. No, that’s not a bad thing at all and I love being alone from time to time and I always crave for that kind of peace and me time. The best part is during school, college and even after that, it is very rare when I didn’t enjoy those moments or time spent alone.
And it is really rare when I felt lonely during such times. Call me self centred or anything else, but I am very happy with myself and love doing things for me and not to care about the world during those phases. You see, in India you just cannot have your parents and siblings as family. Every single relative of your parents, no matter how close or distant they are, become your family and I am no fan of the system. And so, the point is, I hide from distant family, avoid a few gatherings, make stupid excuses all the time and all this effort just to stay away from crazy extended family and get some me time.
It is not as if I stay alone all the time and live by myself in my own world. I have some really good friends who drag me out of my hole and we go out on most weekends. But being single at 25 is really not a good thing in this country when almost all of your girlfriends are married and have moved over and your friends who are boys have better things to do than spend their time with their miserable single girl friend. And I am exactly in this one dirty phase of life when I am presented with enough free time and not know what to do with it. I know how not to be bored and how to keep myself busy but this is the strange thing here. No matter how busy I keep myself or how occupied my brain was, an emptiness is always there and I feel terribly lonely from time to time. I just keep wondering how all those happy alone moments turned into unhappy lonely ones. I answer myself saying that maybe this is an indication that you are ready for marriage and it is time to invite stability and accept some responsibilities. I never was sure about marriage before. Not that I am for sure now, but it is kind of different and with things changing rapidly around, I think my mind is doing rounds too. Sometimes I think if I am not this complex and if I was more like the normal girls, I would’ve found my husband already and would’ve been living happily and not doing these rants about loneliness on this blog. Sometimes, I wish I was different. But the very next moment, reality hits me hard and reminds me what I am and to deal with it. Then, I come back to my sad and stupid moment again where I’m not sure what to do and what not to. I know I sound miserable and very crazy, but what to do, that’s me.
And this is me, talking crazy and feeling lonely while being alone on a sunday evening after watching an awesome win by India against South Africa and had no one to share my happiness over India’s win or sadness over South Africa losing so badly. I wish I was home with dad.