I was too afraid to go to office today and so started almost an hour late than my usual time. It is not new to me to be a bit afraid at times. When a new project is about to start or when there is a issue that’s not bending and delaying my project, at times like this, though minute, a strange fear kicks in. But I always overcome it and it is only in such high pressure days, I find the best in me come out and there’s never been a thing that isn’t resolved.
But today, it is of a different kind. On Friday, there is a colleague of mine leaving and so we were so busy with a few handovers and then team lunch and later went on to buy a farewell gift to her and sent her off. With work and all these things, the day was too busy and we had no time for anything else. It was around 6.30pm and we were almost preparing to leave when the news came out that a few were terminated. Given that ours is a small company, this is so huge even though there’s none from our team and the feel will never be good when someone gets fired and especially when someone close to you is asked to leave. I wasn’t or was never worried about being asked to leave due to performance issues and was always confident about my work. But what i was always worried about is the “your performance is not a problem but we are doing this as a part of cost cuttings” reason. And on Friday, some were given me the performance reason and some the other one. The cost cutting reason left me with no peace. Not before a month a ago, I was offered a role change and now there are cost cuts. It left me with no peace and a lot of questions for myself. I always thought that I have been working nonstop for the past 4 years and that I should take a break and I always had a big list of things to do if I was free from the job and moreover, I just happened to clear my financial commitments last month and had savings that could last me for a couple of years if at all I have to pay for myself.
When I joined this job 4 years back, I was a fresher just out of college and had little or no confidence that I can survive the pace of this job/life/city. But I did and was now super confident about my capability to find a job and survive. I have the confidence to go and live anywhere in the world.
But why do I have this really bad fear about losing the job? I just have no idea. Maybe it is normal to think that way as my ego wouldn’t let me live at peace if leaving the job wasn’t my choice but is forced upon. Am I that big a hypocrite? I have wanted to leave the job and take a break since the day I completed my 4 year term and was just stalling it due to the lack of courage. Why am I so worried about a job that I didn’t care to leave? I have nothing but questions. Its been 3 days since then and the heart is still not at peace. It still does the Thump thump and my thoughts just wouldn’t stop racing in every possible direction. None from my team were fired and the chances for a next round are pretty rare and i know it better than anyone else that I wouldn’t be the first one for sure. Why was I this troubled and feeling bad is a question I’m struggling to find an answer. I kept myself really busy for the whole day but the discussions and hush hushes and the tension in the office atmosphere didn’t help one bit. So here I am trying to get it out of my system and hoping that I would feel a bit relieved but no, nothing seems to work. It’s already become a really large rant and I’m too hungry to do that rant anymore.
Bye ppl. Take care.