Being jobless

I was too afraid to go to office today and so started almost an hour late than my usual time. It is not new to me to be a bit afraid at times. When a new project is about to start or when there is a issue that’s not bending and delaying my project, at times like this, though minute, a strange fear kicks in. But I always overcome it and it is only in such high pressure days, I find the best in me come out and there’s never been a thing that isn’t resolved.
But today, it is of a different kind. On Friday, there is a colleague of mine leaving and so we were so busy with a few handovers and then team lunch and later went on to buy a farewell gift to her and sent her off. With work and all these things, the day was too busy and we had no time for anything else. It was around 6.30pm and we were almost preparing to leave when the news came out that a few were terminated. Given that ours is a small company, this is so huge even though there’s none from our team and the feel will never be good when someone gets fired and especially when someone close to you is asked to leave. I wasn’t or was never worried about being asked to leave due to performance issues and was always confident about my work. But what i was always worried about is the “your performance is not a problem but we are doing this as a part of cost cuttings” reason. And on Friday, some were given me the performance reason and some the other one. The cost cutting reason left me with no peace. Not before a month a ago, I was offered a role change and now there are cost cuts. It left me with no peace and a lot of questions for myself. I always thought that I have been working nonstop for the past 4 years and that I should take a break and I always had a big list of things to do if I was free from the job and moreover, I just happened to clear my financial commitments last month and had savings that could last me for a couple of years if at all I have to pay for myself.
When I joined this job 4 years back, I was a fresher just out of college and had little or no confidence that I can survive the pace of this job/life/city. But I did and was now super confident about my capability to find a job and survive. I have the confidence to go and live anywhere in the world.
But why do I have this really bad fear about losing the job? I just have no idea. Maybe it is normal to think that way as my ego wouldn’t let me live at peace if leaving the job wasn’t my choice but is forced upon. Am I that big a hypocrite? I have wanted to leave the job and take a break since the day I completed my 4 year term and was just stalling it due to the lack of courage. Why am I so worried about a job that I didn’t care to leave? I have nothing but questions. Its been 3 days since then and the heart is still not at peace. It still does the Thump thump and my thoughts just wouldn’t stop racing in every possible direction. None from my team were fired and the chances for a next round are pretty rare and i know it better than anyone else that I wouldn’t be the first one for sure. Why was I this troubled and feeling bad is a question I’m struggling to find an answer. I kept myself really busy for the whole day but the discussions and hush hushes and the tension in the office atmosphere didn’t help one bit. So here I am trying to get it out of my system and hoping that I would feel a bit relieved but no, nothing seems to work. It’s already become a really large rant and I’m too hungry to do that rant anymore.
Bye ppl. Take care.

Love
Sahasra

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8 thoughts on “Being jobless

  1. I think it’s the uncertainity that would worry me on losing my job. When I want to take a break or resign for better opportunities, I would have plans. Even if not finalised, I’ll still have an idea what my next step would be. However when you get fired, you land into a state of unknown. And even if you have enough to sustain yourself, the fact that it wasn’t something you chose for yourself but something that was forced on you might affect your confidence.
    Hugs dear…you’ll sail through 🙂

  2. It is true what you say.. but these days it’s sort of a trend here in uk. . Companies are showing profits and yet having redundancies …
    It’s the new way of working..plus the idea of contracting has come up companies feel they can hire someone on contract rather then permanent employee..

    It gives me sleepless nights if the thought of losing my job comes to mind just before I go to sleep..so many things come to mind what will 8 do.. where will I go etc etc etc..

    But in the end I am sure everything will be fine ..All is well that ends well..

  3. I would say become less emotional about your job. I too work in the similar environment, but i am very open to change (seeing positives of being fired or leaving a job on my own).
    There is an end to everything, so one day we have to go anyway (from everywhere).

    • A few things about the job made me a bit more emotional than necessary. It was some kind of fixture and i was so used to it that any kind of uncertainty is killing me. Though the tensions calmed down lately, i was looking out for alternatives and have been studying for it too. I hope i succeed. 🙂 That’s all i can wish for now. Thanks for the support Alok. By the way, i like the caption you had on your blog, “One step at a time”. I firmly believe it and that is the only thing that helps me move ahead. 🙂

  4. I know it could be hard since this is the first time. But now that you know how it is, try being less concerned with it. If any of them were your friends, spend some time with them and help them find a new job. If not, keep this in mind and try not to get attached to your work. Eventually, people look after themselves. To an extent, we might want to do that too.

    • Thanks Ranju. I don’t think it is about getting attached to people. The process of layoffs is itself so cruel that I just cannot help but be affected by it. It just ruins the office environment. I’m sure they will find better jobs. But you are right, I should learn the art of detachment well or else I’m gonna suffer a lot.

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