I just don’t know what is happening with me and have absolutely no clue of what’s going on in my head. After the lay-offs at work, I was never the same. Among the lot, one was my friend who sits next to me. We share the bay. I still see her coffee mug, little Ganesh Idol, her notepad and papers, her mouse and her books she left with me. She never came back to collect her things. Maybe, I will have to bear the sight of them till the end of the month when she has to come to collect the relieving papers. And among the four work stations on my side the other two were also empty with my friends/colleagues leaving due to their personal reasons not less than a week before these lay-offs. That leaves me to be the only one in the bay and the only girl in a team of 8. It is not like I’m discriminated or anything, but there is this comfort in relieving stress over a little chat with the girls. I can chat with the guys too but this feeling that I was forced to be alone, is just not leaving even though I very well know that I have really supporting and funny colleagues. And to add salt over the wounds, there are rumours about not having a hike at least for the next few months floating around. It is March now and we are due for a hike on May/June and that rumour if it is true, isn’t going to be a good news.
With situations like this, I have no idea how I spent the first week of march and I’m assuming that I have a temporary amnesia that hit me just for a week. And then followed the series of ‘arranged marriage – meeting the guy’ rituals. Needless to say, I’m no big fan or believer of arranged marriages. Yes, I’ve seen numerous successful arranged marriages around me and by successful, I mean happy. But I still think that I’m not any of those women and I’m not made for this kind of marriage. Considering the Indian context I live in, you have all rights to think that I’m crazy to say so but there are many reasons that got me to that conclusion and so lets leave that to another post if at all it takes shape. I still go to meet these guys because, I’m really interested in getting to know them and I was crazy to think that I might meet my life partner in one of these meetings(I know it is a rare possibility). And the most important reason is that I cannot give a blunt NO to my parents and it is something that I can never do. I really admire my sister’s courage and harshness when it comes to saying NO to our parents. Though I go there to meet the guys for my own selfish reasons I explained, I put my sincere effort to know them because I still believe in destiny and I don’t want to have a situation where the guy who might be perfect for me is sitting right over there and was ignored due to my lack of faith in arranged marriage. And since we are still talking about it, it is clear that nothing ever worked out till now. It will either be me not liking the guy or the guy not liking me. Surprisingly, I never have problems with the guy not liking me but my parents always tune into this sad and pathetic mode every time a guy rejects me. It is surprising because I never get offended by rejection but my parents feel terrible about that. Though I feel really bad about my parents getting hurt, I still think that this one is even better because there isn’t any trauma, blame or guilt involved. But when the guy likes me and I don’t, all the hell breaks loose. I just don’t understand why Indian guys take rejection that badly. Why can they not take NO for an answer. I know I just made a huge generalisation but please ignore me for my state of mind. And to explain the middle class Indian parents about intuition, gut feeling, lack of connectivity and attraction is just walking down the path to hell. No matter how educated your parents are, they just have the same classic orthodox thinking about marriage. I hear the same thing every time that I have to compromise and adjust. I know I have to compromise and adjust about certain things in life but how do I explain them that I just cannot make a business deal out of my marriage. It is just a walk back from hell and I have to face it every single time I say NO to a guy. I dread of the cases where the guy would like me but I wouldn’t. Don’t worry. Given enough time, I always recover from these traumas and will always be back to normalcy only to face the same cycle again after a month or sometimes a few weeks.
Thanks to these meetings and my health issues, I had to work from home for the complete second week and now was back in office yesterday. While my work from home stories and my addiction to AXN are set for a series of posts, I’m here in office with very little work to do but just wasn’t interested in doing any. I have no clue on why I don’t want to work. I just stare at the empty bay around me and read these posts on my reader all day. And by the way, I have some tens of tabs open right now and have been reading these since morning. All these blogs and blog posts were too awesome not to read and I just wish these bloggers take a break for a week or so just so that I get to catch up with all their posts. I watched a Korean show all day(and night) yesterday and with today spent reading, it is a given that little or almost no work is done. And here I’m writing this awfully long post counting the hours that I still have to spend at the office as I came in late today all thanks to the Korean show that I watched till 4 in the morning. I know, I sound like the perfect Pabho(Fool in Korean). I hate you Koreans for making such really irresistibly cool shows. I should declare a war on my boss who fired my colleague, on my parents, on the guys that I meet, on these amazing bloggers who just wouldn’t take a break, on korean drama makers and and finally on me who is a mess and for not being able to clear her mess. Wow, that will be a world war as it would cover more than a few nations in the world! The overall point is that I’ve absolutely no clue on what’s happening with my brain or why I’m so distracted and why I’m so sick of this office and why I badly want to go out to some place and hide there forever. I wish I have answers.
That’s it for today. Hope you all are doing perfectly normal and well too. Take care. Bye.