Miss Mess

I just don’t know what is happening with me and have absolutely no clue of what’s going on in my head. After the lay-offs at work, I was never the same. Among the lot, one was my friend who sits next to me. We share the bay. I still see her coffee mug, little Ganesh Idol, her notepad and papers, her mouse and her books she left with me. She never came back to collect her things. Maybe, I will have to bear the sight of them till the end of the month when she has to come to collect the relieving papers. And among the four work stations on my side the other two were also empty with my friends/colleagues leaving due to their personal reasons not less than a week before these lay-offs. That leaves me to be the only one in the bay and the only girl in a team of 8. It is not like I’m discriminated or anything, but there is this comfort in relieving stress over a little chat with the girls. I can chat with the guys too but this feeling that I was forced to be alone, is just not leaving even though I very well know that I have really supporting and funny colleagues. And to add salt over the wounds, there are rumours about not having a hike at least for the next few months floating around. It is March now and we are due for a hike on May/June and that rumour if it is true, isn’t going to be a good news.
With situations like this, I have no idea how I spent the first week of march and I’m assuming that I have a temporary amnesia that hit me just for a week. And then followed the series of ‘arranged marriage – meeting the guy’ rituals. Needless to say, I’m no big fan or believer of arranged marriages. Yes, I’ve seen numerous successful arranged marriages around me and by successful, I mean happy. But I still think that I’m not any of those women and I’m not made for this kind of marriage. Considering the Indian context I live in, you have all rights to think that I’m crazy to say so but there are many reasons that got me to that conclusion and so lets leave that to another post if at all it takes shape. I still go to meet these guys because, I’m really interested in getting to know them and I was crazy to think that I might meet my life partner in one of these meetings(I know it is a rare possibility). And the most important reason is that I cannot give a blunt NO to my parents and it is something that I can never do. I really admire my sister’s courage and harshness when it comes to saying NO to our parents. Though I go there to meet the guys for my own selfish reasons I explained, I put my sincere effort to know them because I still believe in destiny and I don’t want to have a situation where the guy who might be perfect for me is sitting right over there and was ignored due to my lack of faith in arranged marriage. And since we are still talking about it, it is clear that nothing ever worked out till now. It will either be me not liking the guy or the guy not liking me. Surprisingly, I never have problems with the guy not liking me but my parents always tune into this sad and pathetic mode every time a guy rejects me. It is surprising because I never get offended by rejection but my parents feel terrible about that. Though I feel really bad about my parents getting hurt, I still think that this one is even better because there isn’t any trauma, blame or guilt involved. But when the guy likes me and I don’t, all the hell breaks loose. I just don’t understand why Indian guys take rejection that badly. Why can they not take NO for an answer. I know I just made a huge generalisation but please ignore me for my state of mind. And to explain the middle class Indian parents about intuition, gut feeling, lack of connectivity and attraction is just walking down the path to hell. No matter how educated your parents are, they just have the same classic orthodox thinking about marriage. I hear the same thing every time that I have to compromise and adjust. I know I have to compromise and adjust about certain things in life but how do I explain them that I just cannot make a business deal out of my marriage. It is just a walk back from hell and I have to face it every single time I say NO to a guy. I dread of the cases where the guy would like me but I wouldn’t. Don’t worry. Given enough time, I always recover from these traumas and will always be back to normalcy only to face the same cycle again after a month or sometimes a few weeks.
Thank
s to these meetings and my health issues, I had to work from home for the complete second week and now was back in office yesterday. While my work from home stories and my addiction to AXN are set for a series of posts, I’m here in office with very little work to do but just wasn’t interested in doing any. I have no clue on why I don’t want to work. I just stare at the empty bay around me and read these posts on my reader all day. And by the way, I have some tens of tabs open right now and have been reading these since morning. All these blogs and blog posts were too awesome not to read and I just wish these bloggers take a break for a week or so just so that I get to catch up with all their posts. I watched a Korean show all day(and night) yesterday and with today spent reading, it is a given that little or almost no work is done. And here I’m writing this awfully long post counting the hours that I still have to spend at the office as I came in late today all thanks to the Korean show that I watched till 4 in the morning. I know, I sound like the perfect Pabho(Fool in Korean). I hate you Koreans for making such really irresistibly cool shows. I should declare a war on my boss who fired my colleague, on my parents, on the guys that I meet, on these amazing bloggers who just wouldn’t take a break, on korean drama makers and and finally on me who is a mess and for not being able to clear her mess. Wow, that will be a world war as it would cover more than a few nations in the world! The overall point is that I’ve absolutely no clue on what’s happening with my brain or why I’m so distracted and why I’m so sick of this office and why I badly want to go out to some place and hide there forever. I wish I have answers.

That’s it for today. Hope you all are doing perfectly normal and well too. Take care. Bye.

Love
Sahasra

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25 thoughts on “Miss Mess

  1. I shouldn’t laugh at such a serious post but…Korean, huh? LOL. I wouldn’t watch K drama even if our TV worked. I’m not very traditional that way. But yes, I know those vids are very popular the world over. =)

  2. I’ve just read your previous post and this one, and my heart goes out to you. I’m sure things will soon get sorted. I’m sure your job will be secure and as for those bride seeing sessions, I’m sure you’d find a way out. Hugs and all the best.

  3. Hehe…..Thank God, I am not a regular blogger! Otherwise who would save me from the war!
    So many thoughts in a single post! You are a funny angry woman! 😀
    Korean show? Suggestions please. Never watched anything!

    • 🙂 You should see my mail smdea. I’ve nearly 3000 mails from blog posts alone. Only god knows what I was thinking while subscribing to all those blogs.
      🙂 I was a mess and there are so many things that caused me to be so. I had no choice but to include all of them into one post. I’m just surprised that you patiently read all that. Lend me some of that patience na.

    • Beware about the Korean madness and don’t curse me later that I didn’t warn you earlier. 😛
      I can suggest you many. But first it is Boys over Flowers. It is a bit old one but it is also the one that made many fall into this k drama pit. Dramafire.com is the site where I get all these. Good-bad, Old-New, you can find everything over there. Just make sure you have time to spare before you jump into this. 🙂

  4. Sahasra, I am really intrigued by your love of Korean drama. I have never seen any in my life. My internet is not very fast, so I do not watch very many videos or movies on line. About once a month I go to the library for an hour just for that.

    I am so sorry about all the layoffs and such at work. This must be stressful for you. It is always hard to see colleagues let go.

    Take care.

    ~Carl~

  5. Hello! This is Raina coming over to your blog from Madh Mama’s. So you like Korean soaps too? I recently became addicted and after watching Doctor Stranger and Goddess of Marriage am moving on to other Korean soaps. There is something irresistible about these soaps and I see a lot of Indian sensibilities in these soaps such as removing one’s shoes before entering the home.

    Coming to your thoughts on arranged marriage, I felt the exact same way you did when I was 22 (not sure how old you are). I did not believe in arranged marriages but I had not met any one either and so I went along with the arranged marriage process and almost got married to my parents’ version of the “dream” guy- doctor settled in the United States. Two weeks before the wedding, the whole thing was called off because the guy’s parents reneged on their promise to pay for half of the weddinng expenses. At that time it was a BIG thing but it was the BEST thing that EVER happened to me. If I had gone ahead with that marriage I would have been miserable (and I can say this with 1000% certainty). I did not listen to myself and went along with a kind of marriage I knew I was not suited for and I almost consigned myself to a life of misery. Listen to your gut and listen to your heart- if it is telling you that this is not right for you, don’t do it, no matter what. Your parents will be hurt but your parents are not the one who will spend a life with the guy, you will.

    I hope I did not come across harshly above. Just that having lived through what I did, I highly recommend hurting a few people now and living your own life than hurting a lot more people, yourself included, later and not living your life.

    Raina.

    • 🙂 Thank you so much for stopping by Raina.
      I know, these shows are just irresistible and people wouldn’t believe me unless they watch one and once they start, there is no end to it 😛 I think I should write a post about this crazy love of mine to explain it properly. 🙂
      I am 25 running fast towards 26. Until a year back, I had considerably cool parents who used to be a bit too confident about us and our lives. My mum’s breast cancer is the culprit which changed their outlook and attitude completely. Though she recovered well, my parents now have a constant fear about how we would live if they die. They became paranoid about their health that everything and anything just revolves around my marriage and their health.There is no point in trying to convince them about my successful career. And this increasing age of mine is just making matters worse.
      It is not like I’m against marriage or anything but I just don’t feel connected with any of these guys that I meet. It just doesn’t feel right. I really believe in loving someone and sharing life together but just because I’m born Indian and that too to conservative parents, should I marry someone that I cannot relate to? And moreover why should I get married at 25 just because everyone else is getting married. I never have answers to these questions and I really hope that I surprise myself with some courage to stand up against all of these and live life the way I want to. I suck at saying NO to my parents and hence the problem.
      Sometimes, I wish my brain doesn’t think this much or realise how wrong all this is. I wish I lived that ignorance is bliss life or at the least I wish I was the person who accepts life the way it is. But sadly, I’m not that person. And so, I keep telling myself not to give up and I try not to hurt anyone but it is me who ends up hurting all the time with these match making sessions. I will have to try my best not to give in and live my life the way I want to.
      You are not harsh at all and Thank you for sharing your experience. Stories like yours give me lot of courage and hope. You believed in living for your dreams and to stand up against things you don’t believe is something really amazing to me. I think that you are really lucky that the Doctor’s match did not work out. If not, what would’ve happened to Rick then! 🙂 Many thanks for all the support that you gave me. I will really try my best to take all of this into my life. God, I wish it is easy. 🙂 Sorry about that really long reply but this is one such topic that opens my flood gates.
      Thanks again and Good Day Raina. 🙂

  6. You are very welcome. 25 going on 26 is not old, though for Indian parents this may as well be 80 years old :-). I know, because my parents started looking for matches for me when I was 21 and I come from a conservative and traditional Indian background to. You know what happened, of course, and I am so glad things did not work out. When I did get married at 28 I was a much more secure and settled person, I knew who I was. I also completely understand about wanting to be ignorant. When all this stuff was going on in my life I wished so hard that I was one of those women who was ignorant and naive and just did whatever her parents told her to do. Fortunately (or unfortunately for my parents), I have a mind of my own with very strong opinions on certain issues…:-)

    Thank you for letting me share on your blog and please feel free to reach out to me personally if you just want to vent or talk. I can be reached at raina.andersonfb@gmail.com. Good luck and hang in there.

    Raina.

    • Thank you so much for all the support and comfort you gave me raina. It was really tough for me to talk about these things with friends and family. No one could relate to my problem. Your story and words give me the strength to face my issue for I now know someone who has been through the same or even worse and successfully came through. Thanks again for being so patient and generous. 🙂
      Have a nice day Raina.

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