The way I said yes – 1

There was this guy in college. Let’s call him R.
We were schoolmates first and after a 4 year break of high schooling, we met again in college. We were from the same town and were in college hostels, far away from home and we knew each other through school. We had all the common grounds that made us friends. In fact, we were the best of friends. He was the best friend I never had before. I had a big group of girlfriends and yet he was my bestie with whom I was comfortable enough to share every precious thought of mine.
No matter what I say or how I behave, at heart, I have always been an introvert and will remain so. My life is always a secret and a mystery to many. If this is the way I am now, think about me in my late teens. Yes, I started enjoying my new found freedom but never actually moved out of the introvert behaviour. Despite all of this, he is one guy with whom I was never scared of sharing my mind and heart. There were no ifs and buts. I trusted him completely and I was so proud to have a friend like R. Everyone else thought that he was just perfect and even I felt the same. When I say perfect, I was talking about his nature, behaviour, attitude and the way he cared about friends and his skill of befriending the super shy introverted girl and helping her in bringing her best talents out. He helped me come out of the shell and meet a whole new world at college. It was pure joy being that friend and guys, it wasn’t attraction. There wasn’t any magic and no feelings of love were involved. Life was just super cool and perfect. And I like any other girl in college, I had my own crushes and attractions which I always shared with R. Nothing from that phase of my life is a secret to him. I was almost an open book to him and just imagine how much important that kind of relationship would be to a shy and introverted girl like me. It was invaluable.
But then, it’s life and it had to change course. Turns out, what I thought of as amazing friendship but nothing more wasn’t the same for him. Sometime after the first year of college, it turned into love for him. He waited for a good 6 months before telling me how he felt about me. I was shocked at first and then confused and then I said no to him. I never felt the same about him. Though he was special to me, i never had any special feelings for him. I had so many doubts on how he would respond and how he would take my answer. I was afraid to talk to him because I was worried that he might think that I feel the same for him too. I said no and tried to explain him my reasons. I knew I could go on without any explanation, but he being my best friend, made me explain. But that just depressed him more and he stopped eating and fell sick and was in no state to respond and live his life. He was harming himself over my rejection. That was clear emotional blackmail but that silly me never understood how nad it is. The situation had its toll on me and I said, I too love him(I know, I sound super foolish, but yes I said I love him and that too out of pressure). I was 19 and I was stupid enough to make such decisions. That is one moment that changed my life forever. No matter what I do, it has always shown its impact on my life. I remember a few things that I thought back then.
1. That I couldn’t afford to lose such a friend.
2. That he might be my best bet!
3. That mine might become the popular love story where best friends fall in love and live happily forever.
4. And that I too might fall in love with him the way he did.
5. That may be I’m being practical about life when everyone else is falling for physical attractions, I was going into a serious relationship with my best friend. I actually thought that I’m more mature than others!
6. I thought we had a great understanding between us, respect for each other and what more did I need.
7. I thought I would be happy with a guy who loved me and I really thought I knew him well enough to commit to him.
8. I thought my life’s just become better and I will be happy with my decision.
9. Except that I DON’T love him, I could find no other reason to say NO.
10. EVERYONE around me thought that we were the perfect couple.
11. Most importantly, I was worried about breaking his heart by saying NO to him.

Now people, please don’t start bashing me left and right with gyaan. I have made a stupid choice and have faced more than enough consequences as well and have no/very less regrets, so chill down.
No, he isn’t in my life anymore but this is just to explain a part of my life which is/was a secret to many and I had to spread it out here.. as I was about to do some similar things and I’m worried to death about the choices I’m making. I need a clear mind to think and hence the thoughts being laid out over here and be warned, in future, there’s more to come about my very own personal life and the break up story. It’s upto you to stay reading or leave.
By the way, Carl, thank you so much for checking out on me, to see if I was dead or alive. 🙂 Though it was me who’s being the douche by ignoring my little love(blog) with the excuse of being busy with work and life, I must tell you that you asking my wellbeing, really means a lot. Trust me, no matter what happens, I bounce back to being well. So I’m as good as ever. Take care ppl and bye for now.

Love
Sahasra

Advertisements

2 thoughts on “The way I said yes – 1

  1. Life and relationships are complex. I doubt there are many who have not tread this ground in one way or another.
    Hope your current decision works out for the best. Take care.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s