Mills and Boon

Of all the good and great books that I’ve read lately, it is a surprise that a mills and boon book got me to writing this post. Of lately, when I failed terribly at the walking challenge and was depressed that my life is going no where and that I’m stuck in a bubble where I’m filled with self pity and digress where I do nothing for myself or to make things better for myself, I didn’t feel like writing at all.

I felt like an absolute failure. In fact, I still do. I hate the way I’m leading my life and I’m doing nothing to change it. No efforts on my part except sulking and blaming everyone and anyone around me for the situations that I am in when I very well know that it is me who is the sole cause of everything that happens in my life.

So, to kick of writing again, I have to tell you a few more things about me. Things that make me what I am and one’s that I frequently fear to talk about. To not talk about them is like not acknowledging the big white elephant in the room. So, here they are.

  1. I am a big time procrastinator and do many things just because they are absolutely necessary. Don’t even ask me how many times I thought of skipping this post and taking a lazy Saturday afternoon nap.
  2. I am so much ashamed of myself for failing at every weight loss or health related challenge I take. I don’t know why I cannot keep up with those or why I find it so easy to fail rather than work hard.
  3. I am the most laziest person I have ever met. No excuses at all for wanting someone else to fill in my water bottle for me. But despite being this lazy, I wish for things like world tour and luxurious life.
  4. I feel like an utter disappointment to me and everyone around me for my lack of determination and aspirations. I always wish there is a clear path laid out for me to follow rather than me having to walk into the unknowns to find out who I really am and what’s best for me. And how do I even step out when I am too afraid to face any consequences.
  5. I am selfish up to an extent. But sometimes I do surprise myself with unexpected acts of kindness and love which I again think is out of my selfishness to feel great/better.
  6. I still blame my parents for making me take maths group after school when I am very sure that it is not a thing for me. I left no stone unturned to screw up my life ever since.
  7. I make these absolutely stupid decisions that just make me feel sad and horrible all the time. I sometimes(read many) do things just because I’m too afraid to take a risk or be a failure in my parents eyes.
  8. I wish for things to get better all by themselves with little or no effort from me. I guess you now get the laziness part.
  9. My biggest wish is that one day my parents wake up and forget about me totally. I mean just imagine when you don’t have anyone around to nag you to get married all the time and then this no expectations to do well in life thing.
  10. Though a desperate romantic at heart, I am very much afraid to get married to anyone through the arranged marriage method. More than me, I’m more worried about the poor soul who thinks I’m Indian marriage material(obedient, calm, understanding, caring, respecting, devout).
  11. I effortlessly paint a bright picture of mine when I’m out but in reality I’m this weak and dark soul that might give into every single temptation that exists in the world. It is just that I luckily never got any real chance to challenge myself in front of these temptations.
  12. I am terribly afraid to follow my heart fearing that it would lead me nowhere and leave me all broken up. Like, me leaving everything and going to college to learn psychology and this is just one example.
  13. I wish to get married to a person I love and I’m dead worried of the chances of not meeting him forever. By the way, I cannot guarantee about his state when he finds me(for making me wait so long!). I am dead worried thinking “what if I don’t find love at all!”.
  14. I am a sucker for romance and I read mills and boon books with the same amount of interest that I have for a political theory or an eco issue. I agree that, for a while I thought it is shameful to admit to this but I guess I learned that there is nothing wrong in wanting to include some fun into your life as long as it doesn’t harm anyone. I don’t really care if anyone judges me for reading these books.
  15. I fear secretly that this fat, partially squint eyed girl is not good enough for anyone to love and I fear I will be that old cat lady who died alone with all her cats around(not that I think there is something wrong with being alone and growing old with cats!).
  16. I love kids and all their antics. I love the innocence a kid only can have. But when it comes to me, I’m afraid even at the thought of having my own kids. If it was a choice, I would tell all those guys who meet me that I’m in noway ready for kids and that feeling might not change forever.
  17. I’m terrified at the thought of speaking my mind. For, finding out that their sweet and ever pleasing daughter thinks this radical and independent, will be the cause of many a panic and heart attacks for my parents and no one would want to befriend a potential radical.
  18. Think about it, I’m more afraid of giving birth to a kid but I’m all for adoption. I love to have a little one around me who adores me as much as I adore her/him. And to have the pleasure of seeing a little life grow up in front of you, is a bliss. But, I’m sure it would never happen if I marry a guy through arranged marriage.
  19. I know that the root of most of my problems is having a conscience and it is something that I cannot afford to lose despite all the problems in the world. This is my little thing that makes me stand out.
  20. I adore little sweet romantic things that life offers and I have a heart that cannot hate anyone. I might dislike a few but I know this for sure that I can never hate anyone. Blame my brain for forgetting what the dispute is about even before it turns into a wildfire.
  21. I am the most liberal and non-conservative person I have ever met and I’m sad not to have more like minded people around. I don’t blame others for being conservative but it would have been a comfort to be around or with people who share your thoughts and ideas. Yeah, I’m arrogant enough to think that I’m above all(I mean my thoughts).
  22. Though life is never easy and fair to most people and despite all the problems I think I have, I still think that I’m lucky and most of the things I got are definitely not fruits of hard work. Though I work hard to prove myself, I think mine has always been a relatively easy life where I’m always served on the platter.
  23. My deepest fear is that my dreams stay dreams and I live a life that I don’t embrace and I might die with regrets.

Well, that’s all for now and I don’t really know why I wanted to share all these things about me over here. But I really feel like I have been hiding behind the safety of a veil and censoring most of my thoughts for the fear of what others think of me. What I forgot was that this is one place where I can be myself and not care about anything or anyone as long as I’m not hurling abuses at a fellow blogger. I needed to be myself and tell about myself at a go so that I can get on with my life(blog) without the guilt of hiding what I am for the sake of others approval.And you may ask what is so special about this book that made me write such an awfully long post? Well, it is just another mills and boon book that fills your heart and soul with hope, love and fantasy. It is this “Proposal at the winter ball” by Jessica Gilmore that tells you to go where your heart wants you to go and to love yourself despite all your insecurities and low points. It made a difference for me and helped me open up. That is good enough for me talk about. 🙂

Well, thanks for reading all the way through. 🙂 I know it would be a bit boring but as I said, I just had to get it out of my system. So, here I am.

Love,
Sahasra

 

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7 thoughts on “Mills and Boon

  1. Oh I just love the honesty of this post but I find myself railing against your ability to beat yourself up so much.
    Just remember one thing. ‘There’s no such thing as a perfect person,’ and take it from there. Sound like you’re working from the other extreme.
    And I love Mills and Boon too!

    • So true. perfect person is a myth. But aren’t our lives plagued by the obsession for it?
      🙂 I sometimes wish I was invisible to most of the people in my life so that I can live my life in peace. Funny how I wish for them to gain temporary amnesia where they have no memories about me. 🙂
      Thanks jean.

      • You’re more than welcome. Perfectionism is a plague but I think a lot depends on why we’re trying to be ‘perfect’ or as close to it as possible. I reckon it’s okay if it’s for ourselves but not if it’s because of trying to live up to other people’s expectations. (I’ve given up on that!)

  2. Hey hey hey .. Sahasra.. I definitely hope things are not as bad as you portray, and point number 17 is a total lie.. you have expressed yourself very well this post., spoken your mind…. Well, I’ll tell you something what I learnt about weight loss and losing weight since most of your worries begin there.. it is difficult, but then like anything else, you need to feel from (I guess,) the bottom of your heart to change yourself and the way you look. Part of the reason you are not following a routine, or in your words, failing to follow a routine or to keep up, is because you don’t have your heart in it, precisely because you are comfortable being in your body! Society may have different standards of measure, but what matters is how you feel about things, and is healthy.

    • You put it very well and maybe it is true that I’m too comfortable with myself and it is not in me to want to change. And unless I feel it for myself I cannot help myself.
      Most of the times I really want to get better ( health wise and size wise). But it is my lazy self and the stress I get from job and family, that makes me leave things in the middle and run into the safety n comfort of food, books n shows. I endto up messing up everything(schedule, routine, diet). And I have no idea how I can get stability to my life.

  3. For a person who can be this honest, I am sure you are so beautiful. I am also sure you will find the love of your life, who would be so perfect for you – completely understanding every bit of You. Your dreams would come true, just dont lose hope.

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