Ramblings again….

It is a strange thing.
For a girl whose thoughts are so well hidden between the stone walls of her heart, her face is an open book.
This is the most strangest thing about me. My face tells everything that my brain feels.

And this gets more stranger when at times, I, myself wasn’t aware of what i’m feeling, my face serves as an answer to many.
Needless to say, i hate such situations. People think i’m blatantly lying because my face is saying them something else.
I only know the truth when my thoughts are settled and I look into myself at peace.

Look at the current situation.
Ever since the marriage broke up, the only thing i ever wanted was leave the country to some place where none of these people can ever catch and torture me with their ideas of settling and living happily.
Clearly, they never knew me or never even care about knowing me or about what i want from life.

I admit that i never wanted to marry that guy. It was one really weak moment when i am in my low phase that i accepted to the proposal.
One look at the relieved happy faces of my parents made me shut up for a really long time.
i was astonished to see how happy they were at the mere of thought of getting me married. They were that happy that someone finally agreed to marry me and i agreed to marry him.
It was sad and heart crushing to me. Looking at their relieved faces told me how hard it was for them to not be able to get them married.

Sometimes i even feel that it doesn’t matter who it is, they just want me to get married and get over this thing that is causing them so much shame.
Don’t be surprised. Many a times did that thought come across my mind. It was me who answered my panic struck mind that no, my parents are not such selfish people.
But do i really believe that answer? No. I don’t.

Even i believe that parents are one set of people who will never think of anything bad for you, i think parents can be wrong as well.
They want me to get married for all the wrong reasons.

me not getting married was a prestige issue for my parents. Especially for my dad.
He thinks it is his incapability for not getting me married.
And they want me to settle with anyone who likes me from the one sitting marriage talks. Of course, he will be an educated guy with a good job and some property to back him up in case of emergencies.
Not to forget, they will make sure that our horoscopes are a perfect match before we get married.

Why is it so wrong for me to think that marriage is something that i want out of love but not as an obligation to fulfil before i’m 27 or 30.
Why is it wrong to wait for someone special to come into life.
Why is it so wrong to want to take control of my own life.
Why is it so wrong to voice out my opinions about MY life.

And as if all of this is not hard, there exists these politics of office. I hate to call it so, but i must agree that they definitely exist.
Behind the sweetest smile your colleague offers you, there might be a 99.9% chance that he just took away the onsite offer you have been asking like since forever.
I try to tell myself all these answers that,
1. maybe they thought it is better to send someone senior to take the handover.
2. maybe they thought i was too important to leave this place.
3. maybe i wasn’t good enough for the job.
4. maybe they had something better for me to do.
5. maybe they had their own reasons that i may never know.

It can be one of these or it can be any other answer. But why does that hurt me so much.
why does it feel like i have been betrayed or backstabbed. Some part of me tells that it is nothing and i’m just overreacting.
But the other part doesn’t agree. I even keep thinking about my boundaries. Have i asked for something that isn’t in my reach?
Is it too much to ask for an onsite offer at this point of my career?

And the saddest part of my life is i’m making no efforts on my own. why am i so afraid to start somewhere.
Why am i so afraid of the unknown. It is true that i don’t know where to start and how to start. But isn’t it the same case for everyone.
Every single person will have these questions before they start something new they don’t know about. They all found their way and i would too.
When i know that I can make it if i start at some point, why do i hesitate to start? What am i so afraid of? Failure?
How big would that be? Devastating enough that i cannot even start over? I have a college degree with 5 years of work experience. How bad could my failure be?
I agree that it is easy to blame on someone for my misfortune. I can blame that colleague for taking that oppurtunity from me. But is it really worth it?
He had a nice offer and he took it. I would do the same if I am in his place. My heart knows that it is really not him that i’m blaming.

I am sad at myself. For being this me, who is too afraid to take the first step. Am i not that desperate enough to go at it?
be it studying or migrating? whatever it is, why don’t i just write that damn exam and test myself to see where i stand in all of these.
I may fail or come out with flying colors. But, why don’t i even try? why am i just not ready to even give myself a chance?
Why don’t i even visit that consultancy where i can find atleast some answers to my questions about my chances at a life that i’m dreaming about?

I’m just surprised at my thick skin and disappointed in me for being the lazy, disoriented, aimless, delusional self that i am. And for only hoping that it isn’t me but some god who can only save me!

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