Maybe,

Maybe, I am over reacting. Maybe, I am looking at demons that didn’t even exist. Maybe, I am wrong.

The story is, there is this marriage alliance that came through some family friends and I said a sort of Yes after meeting up with him for a couple of times. It was like that Abhay Deol’s mistaken proposal in Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara. When dad asked me about my opinion about the guy, I said there isn’t anything wrong with him and didn’t feel anything negative. I was under the opinion that I would still have the choice to say yes or no after meeting the family. But turns out, meeting the family is just nominal and is only meant for the two families to come together and get to know each other. Everything happened so quick that there wasn’t any time to react and I was so out of place to make any sort of argument. And one look at my parents faces, which glowed with happiness and equally nervous at the prospect of getting me married made me shut my mouth for the 2nd time. I don’t know why I fall weak in front of them. But any ways, I didn’t say No which sealed the pact. No one is to blame but me. I didn’t stand up for what I believed in and I shamelessly have to agree that I am a hypocrite of all sorts.

And now, when the dates are fixed and preparations are going on, I am having all these wild and mixed thoughts none of which are any bit positive. I found out only later that I will have to live with my in-laws as they moved from the village a few years back and are now living with their son. As if that is not enough, that place where he stays now, is like at the one end of the city and the place where I work is at the other end. My daily 1 hour at max commute to & from office will now become 2 hours at min. And that is if I drive my own vehicle which know how to but have a deep routed fear for the city’s traffic. 5 years in the city and into this job, I still rely on public transport. Now, if I have to opt for the same even from that house, it will at least take me 2.5 hours time everyday. He works in an office nearby me but it isn’t a problem for him because he has an office cab that makes his life easy which is not a facility that I have with my job.

From our few meets(or dates if I can call so!),  he seems to be a nice person. But a it too frank which can be an advantage and disadvantage as well and a bit commanding which I don’t think can live with unless I am absolutely in Love with him. We practically know nothing about each other and everything we knew was from what we told each other and I know for sure that that isn’t the most practical way to know someone. He wants to meet often and do things together, like going to the movies and all but I was too afraid to do so, for the fear of having to hate him if I find anything negative. I know that sounds stupid but it is so. He asked for a movie date which I turned down saying that we are moving a bit too fast and I need some time when the reality is that I just need some time for myself before anything or everything I do goes onto a scanner. And, I for a fact know this from the family that he has a approx. 30 lakh loan on the house they are currently living in and from how much he earns, I’m sure most of it goes into its payment. I’m not even sure how we will be managing our finances. Do they(guy & family) expect me to share my income or whatever? I don’t even know how to ask about this as that sounds like an extremely personal thing. And if this is personal, think about my thoughts for children. I am in no way interested to have kids any time soon and my dreams of adopting one is already in the dustbin. My mother worries that I’m not getting my periods regularly and it would be a problem if I menstruate during the days selected for the ceremonies since I am not in favour of using any kind of medicines to advance or delay periods unless they are suggested by the doctor. She even fears about sharing this topic with my to be mom-in law as they might take it as a sign of lack of fertility. I know how lame everything sounds, but like someone said, we Indians are big time hypocrites. We talk big words about education,equality,growth and empowerment on the outside only to go home and follow these rituals that mom tells us. Apart from that, I worry to death that I would be expected to cook for the family or the guy after marriage. I was more worried that in the process, I would lose all my interest or love that I have for cooking. As that ad says, cooking once in a while is an absolute pleasure to me while cooking 3 meals a day for 7 days a week is pure torture.

I told you, I have little or no hope or trust on an arranged marriage. I have no prior experience and neither did I have a troubled childhood with parents from a failed arranged marriage. Around me, I see very less instances of arranged marriages not working. But somehow, I have developed this deep routed fear and mistrust for this whole concept. Maybe, it is my rational mind that didn’t find the whole practice acceptable. Though on the whole, it seems as if arranged marriages are in place to protect women. But to educated, independent, and thoughtful women of this generation, it does more harm than good. Too much emotional and physical pressure and strain for absolutely little or no benefits. Love comes to those who are lucky but most of the times it is always an arrangement of convenience. I need to talk more to my sisters or friends and ask them what’s happening in their life. I wonder why I never cared about their lives before.

Now, I am more afraid that my precious freedom and alone time will never be mine. God, I so wish such day never comes. Maybe, the disappointments at work triggered into emotions that made me accept this proposal without giving much thought to it. I really have no clue where my life is going on, be it either at work or personal front. I am all mess both ways. It is no wonder that I wish for a miracle that wipes the slate all clean again. But I know that kind of thing never happens. I am trying to reassure myself that nothing will go wrong and I will just be getting a wonderful family and will be living a beautiful life. Isn’t that too good to be true or a wish?

If at all there is anything that I need right now, it is lots of courage to do the right thing during the right thing, follow my heart and really hear to what it says and be strong and to try to stay happy and stay alive no matter what. I really wish I get all of these.

Maybe, I am worthy enough to be happy.

Sahasra

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2 thoughts on “Maybe,

  1. Be strong, Sahasra! If listening to your heart has dramatic consequences, take a little more time to think about it. If you can ask for more time, will they accept and will it help you ? I’m not in your shoes and I can understand that you’re under pressure, but this is about forever. So calm yourself and then decide. Hugs!! 🙂

    • Thanks for all the support Sweety.
      I don’t think there’s gonna be anymore time to think. I’m just meeting and talking with him whenever possible. I’m just trying to get to know him better. Before the engagement, if i still think that I cannot live at all with this man, then drama it is that’s gonna happen.
      God save me then. 🙂

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