Why did I wander aimlessly on those deserted streets?
Why did I eat all that crap at the mall sitting all alone like a loser.
Why is that there is no place where I really want to go?
Why do I fail terribly at doing something productive at work unless I have a sword called deadline hanging over my head?
Why can I not even give out a smile to the person who sits next to me and why do I want to be sad?
Why is it so hard to be in the moment? and why is it that nothing excites me?
Why do I feel a cloud of sadness hanging all over me and strangely, I don’t even want to shake it off.
I am terrified every time my phone rings and every time I see his name on the screen. I am sad that I had to act happy and not sure why I fear of getting caught on the act.
I really wish this marriage alliance breaks off. It is not like he is a bad guy or something, but I am too reluctant to walk into something with little or no trust/hope and the fear of having to make many compromises and too many sacrifices.
I fear of losing my freedom once and forever. I fear of losing myself forever to this madness called marriage.
When tears of fear and helplessness come over during the dark nights, I wish I was dead. I wish something terrible happens to me so that all of this stops.
I fear of living a life that doesn’t feel like mine.
Even though I know that there are worse things in this world, I sometimes wish that I wasn’t born in this country or to these people.
I try to tell myself that everything is okay and things are going to be normal and happy. But why do I fail at convincing myself?
A fear of the unknown, a fear of losing all your dreams, a fear of having to face this cruel and pathetic world, a fear of not loving or being loved, a fear of losing everything and landing empty, a fear of having to pick up pieces together again is killing me. It is like slow poison that is killing me one bit at a time.
I know, it is me who has to find solutions to my problems and answers to my questions, but it is too hard to find when everything you believed in is about to go down the drain and when it feels like my dreams are about to be shattered into pieces and when I feel like I’m being thrown into this abyss with nothing to hold on.