What happened to my brain? – 1

When my best friend told me that he’s in love with me, I was dumbstruck. I never knew he had such feelings for me. I never thought of him that way. Why? One may ask.
He is good enough to be my best friend but not to be my boyfriend?  People ask me this question all the time. I never answered any of them.
He is a nice guy. He cared about me and the icing on the cake is that he loved me. So should I be happily eating the cake even if I’m not at all hungry for a cake?
Well, I tried.
But I had to stop after 3 years of unsuccessful trials. He was in love with me and demanded every minute of my attention and I don’t even know if I ever loved him. There were moments, very nice and good  moments filled with affection and happiness. But there were always these fights about how I behaved with others, how I didn’t like his acts of possessiveness, his issues with anger management, how I didn’t love him back the way he did. Adding to all that is the pressure of having to keep things a secret from parents which just made things worse. After a series of breakups and patchups, I called it quits. He was devastated and his anger took many forms before it settled. I broke his heart.
And did it do me any good? NO.
5 years after that, I am still wounded. Those wounds never healed. Or maybe, I never let them heal.
In these 5 years, I lost a whole set of college friends, made new ones, mended relationships with a few more, made a career out of my education, saved some money, visited 2 countries, Enjoyed working like crazy and then partied, stayed at home, lived life with the best of my means. Like with everything else, life is never easy. There are silver linings to each and every one of these. Nothing ever is as good or bad as it seems. Many are those moments when I was reminded of him for the most trivial things and how can I ever really move on when he never wants to do so? He cannot stay friends with me, which I understand. But not even trying to forget me and not moving any further are things that I could never understand.
In the meanwhile, I have 2 people in my life who made me go crazy about them. They are some really wonderful and amazing people. They are too perfect and too good to be true. It was me who lacked courage this time. I was never able to gather enough courage to tell them how I felt. It was too hard to take that step. The feeling or fear that I would lose my friendship with them if things didn’t work out never let me come clean.
Deep within, I was afraid that I may not be good enough for them and I was more afraid that they will be do the same thing that I did to my once best friend, that they would break my heart and ruthlessly walk away. Like the way I tried to acknowledge his feelings and tried to stay and love him back the way he loved me. But there were never any sparks to keep the fire going on. I was always moved by the love he had for me and always found myself with nothing to give him back. I always felt that my love or feelings never matched his and one day, I realised that I have to leave. I was just forced by him and by myself to love him. I was afraid to hurt him by telling that I never loved him. Yes, I had that affection and concern, but it was never that unconditional, emotional bond. He was my best friend who knew me inside out and at that time I expected love to be a flame of never ending love. Maybe, I was wrong, but that’s how I felt back then. I ended up hurting him more than ever and lost our very precious friendship to it. A very big price that an introvert like me can never afford again.
I fear about people leaving and yet I left many behind. I fear about being rejected and yet I did the same to someone. How more mean can I ever be? And as if all of this isn’t enough, I keep having second thoughts all the time. I keep on thinking if I did the wrong thing and made a mistake leaving such a guy. But then again, all I need to do was pick up the phone and talk, which I never did. I then tell myself not to look back and move on for good.
I wonder, if this experience will ever leave me or my brain. Is this the reason why I wasn’t open to marriage? Is this how it is going to be with my brain every time I leave someone or someone leaves me? I wonder if I will ever be happy with such a brain.
🙂 Topping up, here comes this super cool, totally funky and badass looking guy next to me on this bus. Tattoos, bracelets, chains, ear piercing at 5 am in the morning? Crazy, I would say. Aah, with this crazy brain and fluttering heart, how can I marry and settle for just someone or anyone?
Life! As weird as it can get!

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