From the heart

I always thought that it would hurt me the most when I see you with someone else. I thought, the day you move on in life, would be the hardest for me to live. Oh boy, I was so wrong. It is the day I moved on and accepted someone else into my life, that hurt me the most. Thinking of you never created such pain in me. And on this day, when the world celebrated love, you are in my thoughts like never before. I was alone on this day for the last 4 years and I never thought of you like I do now.
For all I know, I have moved on and was ready to lead a life away from you. Even though there are ten thousand uncertainties and countless questions in my mind about the life that I’ll be living, I still wanted to move ahead and take the next step as it is my decision to marry him, just like the way it was my decision to leave you. Be it happiness or sadness, I was ready to face everything that comes my way.
Never did I think that it will be this difficult to accept someone into the place that I’ve given you once. It made me go crazy and left me confused about my feelings all over again. It has been 3 years since I met you in person and almost an year since I spoke to you on phone. And it’s been 5 years since we broke up and life took us in different directions. Your stubbornness and confidence annoyed me to death. But never did I hate you. I never blamed you for anything that happened between us. I always thought that I didn’t love you the way you loved me which is partly why I ended things with you. All that clarity and all that will power never left me until I met guys through these match making processes. I have to agree that I compared every single guy with you and rejected all of them.
This guy Raja, when I met him for the first time, time just flew. Compared to you, he’s not that good looking nor he had that quality of being able to impress me instantly knowing all the right words to say. And despite the fact that your names are slightly similar, I wasn’t reminded of you while we spoke. You always wanted me to call you Raja but for some strange reason, i never called you so. It felt weird to accept a guy with the very same name. But eventually, I did say yes thinking that it wouldn’t matter. Now, everytime i call him by his name, i admit that it feels strange and a lot weird than I have ever imagined.
With all these thoughts, i now wonder if I was ever successful in getting you out of my system? I thought I did and now I’m not sure anymore. I still need to tell you about my wedding and I don’t know how I’m going to break that news to you. More than ever, I now wish you have moved on and found someone who’s worth your time and who could love you back. It would have made things a lot easier.
I sometimes think amidst all of this, did I by any chance fall in love with you and maybe that is why you never leave my thoughts. But then I get my answer, I had n number of times and chances to pick up the phone and drag you back into my life and I never did that. Would I ever leave such a chance if I ever loved you? I don’t think I’m such a big idiot and even if I was, I have had my chances and choose to waste them all.
It’s been a couple of days since I got engaged to Raja and today all of a sudden, you were in my thoughts with all the Valentine’s day commotion around. And tomorrow, I will be telling you about my wedding and I’m not sure how you’re going to take it. I wish it doesn’t hurt you anymore than it did when I broke your heart by leaving you.
I wish I can tell you how important you are to me and how you’ll be in my memories forever. I sometimes wonder if I have made a huge mistake letting you go and marrying this guy when I know how much you loved me. But I’ve made a choice and I choose to live by it. I choose to trust my judgement even though I know that it hurts you like hell. I’m really sorry for that.
Oh my dear best friend, I only wish I can tell you how much you mean to me and how much I missed you all these years. I’m sorry for what I’ve done and sorry again for what I’m about to do.

Love
Sahasra

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6 thoughts on “From the heart

  1. Ohh dear… I actually thought at some points that have I written all these…?? Words so exactly matching to my thoughts and feelings.. I hope you’ve overcome all these and have moved on… God bless

    • I told you the same shivi. We have a lot of similarities. I was surprised when i was reading your blog. I just wish you don’t have my confused and critical brain. It just makes everything worse and complicated.
      And about my feelings for him, it wasn’t the feelings that made me write this post. He was my best friend shivi. I never had anyone like that before or after him.
      I did not love him like a woman but as a friend i loved him the most and couldn’t wish anything bad for him. The thought that i hurt him so badly by moving away from him killed me for years and left me scarred. That is what made me write it.
      It had been an year since this post and my life is in a weird place now. Long story it is and i will leave it to some other time.
      Thanks for stopping by. Hope you are doing great and enjoying the first year. 😊

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