New Beginnings

If I’m not clear earlier, I got engaged last Wednesday and I’m going to get married on this 25th. Not sure how to put it but I feel like my free days are over and I’m going to be bound by responsibilities and burdens of life. My happy life is over before I even knew it existed.
You may ask, if I’m this much scared of losing my current life, then why did I agree.
By now, I’ve ranted enough about Indian parents and their expectations. It’s a never ending story and most of us commoners give in after a few years of fight which is physically and emotionally very tiring. I’m not sure if I’m marriage material or not. I’m not sure if I can survive an Arranged Marriage. But whatever comes in my way, I want to take as much as I can and learn to leave the rest. I’m gonna learn to trust myself and move ahead in life and wanna see where life takes me. It isn’t as easy as I speak. It’s been really difficult to convince myself that I’m doing the right thing. At times, I still find myself totally lost realising the depth of the decision I had taken.
I wasn’t someone who never believed in marriage. I have great respect and belief for that institution. I just couldn’t agree with the fact that I’m settling for an Arranged Marriage. I never exactly knew what it feels like to love someone who’s not your blood or friend or relative. I really have no idea of the kind of love this world goes crazy about.
Sometimes I think that maybe there isn’t any definition to love. Everybody gives their own definition to it and I just am not convinced of any worthy definition that I can apply to love and hence I couldn’t find it yet.
And I wonder, what if marriage doesn’t give me that definition to love. Will I then be able to respect that marriage? Will I move out of it leaving another clueless person to his own sorrow? Or will I fear the consequences and stay in the marriage. Will I have the courage to live a happy life? Will I try living for myself as I always wanted to? I have many more questions that I have no answers at this moment. Only time has to tell and life moves on with the choices I make. So, whatever the circumstances are, I made a decision and I’m on the path already.
So guys, thank you for being so patient with all my rants till date. And I wish my steps lead me to the right path and to the right destination.
Someone wonderful said this once, “life is a journey where contentment is the destination.”

I hope I reach my destination.

Love
Sahasra

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2 thoughts on “New Beginnings

  1. I felt very sad reading this. People keep saying that a woman would learn, in time, to love any man who shows her kindness and care. I don’t know of this is true, but there are some who testify to loving the men they are married to, whom they never felt anything for. I know this is tough decision and path for you, but I pray that in time you’ll love the man you marry like you want to feel love 🙂

    xoxo

    • Thanks for this comment uju. I rarely meet people who get my pain and understand my sadness. To everyone in my life, I’m the happiest one right now when the truth is, I’m in my weakest form and need more support than ever.
      When my biggest fears seem nothing to others, how can i turn to them for help? I’m not sure how I’m going to manage, but thanks for the heartfelt comment and wishes. I desperately need those.

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