I am running away from reality. As if that ever solved any problem! I’m lost and don’t know where I stand anymore. I see that there is no one that I can really talk to. I sometimes wonder, how did i put myself here in the first place? I thought I knew everything there’s to know. How more foolish can i be.
Sometimes, I lose hope. Those were the most difficult moments. Very recently, I have managed to convince myself that this life isn’t worth living. I have no clue how i snapped out of that moment. Now, i wish for something terrible to happen to me so that every thing comes to an end. Maybe, it is still humane to wish bad for yourself rather than wishing ill for others.
At times, I wonder about all those dreams and hopes i had for my life, like the things i wanted to do, the places i wanted to visit, the people i wanted to meet & the life i wanted to lead.Weren’t they important to me anymore as they used to be? Or did my despair kill my dreams? It feels as if they were dreams and things wished in a different life. None of them sound achievable anymore.
I know I’m dropping into this abyss and can ask no one for help. How can i? I sometimes feel that I’m the only one responsible for all of this. I have also been reading a lot lately about narcissistic people and their traits. It feels as if i am one who is never happy for myself or others. I feel like a villain myself. And then i keep wondering how much of all these thoughts are true. Am i really that bad a person? I hope I’m wrong. I love myself but i love people too. I have compassion. How can i be a narcissist? I don’t know if i make any sense. But i cannot have these in my mind anymore and have to get them out of my mind.
I wish i can get my brain to stop producing thoughts for a while, so that I can get some processing done. Sorry for the long rant.