That moment when you know in your heart that you don’t want to live anymore but is too scared to die or worse, too sacred that you might do something to die and you cannot tell anyone you love about this, as it might hurt them, but you still feel like screaming on top of your lungs that you want to die or no longer want to live.
I don’t know why the hell is this so confusing!
It is the same at work. My manager doesn’t give me any work and I mostly get work from a different manager who is a step above my manager, which is kind of a good thing. But when I don’t feel like working at all or have stopped working for days and when no one cares or doesn’t care to realise that I am not working, it feels worse. I know I’m not working for them or their reactions but why do I still seek validation. Why did I feel worse that they gave me a huge raise when I wasn’t satisfied with my own performance. They praised me that I’ve been doing wonderful work and have been successfully managing a huge client and keeping them happy and that I’ve risen up to every challenge thay I was presented with, be it training and building a new team or holding fort when they needed. But why do I feel that I’m not worthy of all that praise. Why the hell do I feel guilty about taking money from a company that I’ve spent my entire twenties serving!
Why the hell did I ask my senior manager about why he doesn’t complain or raise any issues. I didn’t specifically say, “about me!”. But any 2nd statement on that would’ve made that clear to him. I just lucked out that someone walked in right at that moment saving me from any further self-destructive art work. In this exact moment when I write that I’m saved from a disaster, I also feel that I should’ve continued with the discussion and taken my chances and discuss my questions about work!
Why the hell is everything so complicated to me. To die or not die, to work or not work, to take a home loan or not to, to talk or not to talk and hell, to think or not to think.
In this exact moment, I feel so worthless and useless that I can call myself the most self loathing creature on this planet. I just wonder where all that selfish self love was? Just vanished into thin air? Puff?