Crazy coward returns to normalcy

I told someone once that as human beings, we are forced to walk ahead no matter what and in the process are guaranteed to meet pain along the way. It takes a while, but we do get used to it and the abnormality called pain becomes the new normal. One day again if we are lucky a new joy comes in to change the definitions again. That is how we humans survive this cycle of life.

I think it makes a lot of sense to me now.

I feel despair and joy both at different times in varied ratios. Sometimes I see my point and sometimes I realize that the other person will have a point of view too and must be feeling the same. Just like me and my pain and my joy, there must be his too. Sometimes, I cannot stand the thought of him being pained by me(yeah, the oh so mighty me!) and sometimes I really know and understand my flawed self.

And then this question pops up. Do I have to learn to get used to the pain and accept it as the new normalcy? That is when it hit me, learning to understand the pain and the process of it turning to normalcy is what healing is all about. Maybe, it is not just normalcy, it is being healed from all that burden and understanding that there is a way out is the path to survival.

Coming to this line of thought isn’t that easy. Took me a while to get here. I know I’m suicidal and have been showing signs of it since forever. But I never tried to kill myself. It is always in my head on the back somewhere lurking. It just tries to sneak out into the wide when I corner myself into the darkness. I care too much about the people around me to die on my own. I read it somewhere and realized it later. It is not the dead who suffer, it is the living they leave behind that suffer a great deal. I’m too much of a coward to die and too weak to put them through that pain. Heck, I don’t even drive because I’m scared that I’ll either end up crippled or worse, kill someone with my distractive mind. All I can do is think myself to death! Maybe one day, when my parents are no longer alive, maybe then I will revisit the thought. Never say never you see.

I know this is all a bit crazy talk and not my normal normal. But one day, when this crazy talk is all over and the real me is back, I’ll pop up that wine bottle and invite you over. Until then.

Love, Sahasra.

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