A peep into my brain

Well, it might look like I’m bragging, but I’m just writing for myself.

Well, even if I’m bragging, who cares. I’m just being myself. I felt like writing and had no patience to type it all down. So, I’m just being lazy. It’s too much work today and with the impossible targets I have for myself, I’m not going to type it in anytime soon. So, it’s here this way!

If you’re really interested, read and enjoy my confused brain. πŸ˜‰πŸ˜Ž

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Parents

Miss them like anything….

1 week and this is how I feel. It feels so lonely without them. I feel so empty. Even after fighting for days, if this is how much you miss someone the minute they leave, maybe this is called love.

I never felt this sort of thing for my husband. Infact it is always the opposite.

I wish I can be a kid again and go stay with my parents. I wish i can hug my mother tight forever and sleep next to her. I wish i can just hold my dad’s hand forever and feel as safe as i can ever be. Just that warmth is worth everything in this world.

I miss you so much Amma and Nanna. I miss the sound of you guys walking around the house, i miss your voices, I miss your presence, i miss coming home to someone warm and loving, i miss you like crazy. I now have the recollection of all those moments i usually feel when I’m coming from home. This time it is a bit worse as I’m still here… And it is you guys who left. Maybe, this is how you guys felt everytime me or chinnu left the house.

I terribly miss hugging you amma.

Thoughts that just wouldn’t leave

At times, it is all about death.

A death that would solve all of my problems at once.

No, suicide wouldn’t serve the purpose. It is a bit too complicated. It would in turn ruin my family(mum,dad&sis). My so-called husband would have to face consequences as well. I definitely don’t want any of these. More than anything, I’m just too scared of the pain that kind of death might involve. Unless it is absolutely impossible to tolerate and i succeed in finding an easy way to do it, i wouldn’t commit suicide.

But i desperately wish for a quick but natural death. I wish there is an easy way out of this life. I wish the universe grants me such wish.

I feel so useless, helpless and suffocated. Dear death, please embrace me in your arms. I seem to be causing a lot of pain the only people I love in this world and couldn’t fix it.

Another God Man and his rise

https://thewire.in/181795/isha-foundation-coimbatore-land-grabbing/

These days, everyone in India must have noticed the Rally for Rivers ad at one point or the other.

I personally never understood why we have to rally for the rivers? Maybe, I’m ignorant unlike these wise god men and the pathetic leaders of our country.

I just wish we all are a little bit more educated, compassionate and liberal in our thoughts and actions.

I have no real energy to write but if you got a few minutes to read, please click on the link and try to understand the plight of these tribals and how these so called God-Men become so powerful in our country.

Weird thing called body!

Up until a few minutes ago, i was literally dying from that back pain, body pains, uneasiness, nausea and what not. It felt like banging my head somewhere or anywhere. I couldn’t sit, stand, or even sleep.

And all of a sudden, I don’t know what happened, it’s all over. It is all okay. No back pain, no nausea and i feel all okay. I coughed for a while and then the pain just went away.

My body is weird. I just don’t get it at all. I have been bleeding continuously day in day out and obviously sleep deprived, hungry and dead-tired. I get these unbearable and excruciating pain at times and suddenly everything gets back to normal. I wish once in a while this bleeding stops too. I’m turning pale as in corpse pale. I can still feel some tension building up in my back again but that’s an anxiety thing. It comes and goes. I just wish the pain doesn’t come back soon.

Oh dear body, don’t be so clueless and give me something to live with.

Sudden feelings

It has been a really rough night. Have been bleeding heavily having to change every couple of hours with thoughts interrupting the sleep in between. And the back pain gradually grew up to be unbearable at some point. It left me wondering for a while if i would be able to get to office tomorrow? Or what would happen if i faint on the road or at the office. I would be too heavy for anyone to help! And that i need to set my emergency contacts and set someone on speed dial. But whom do i set? My parents? They are too far away. They will have to travel overnight to get to me. My husband? My friends? No clue.

I somehow managed to get up and finished the first shift and cooked breakfast and lunch. He left early without packing lunch. Had i known that, i wouldn’t have bothered to cook at all. I’m too tired to even fight about it. And then i wanted to lie down for a few minutes and was browsing on my phone and was watching Stephen Colbert and then tears started rolling as i see his interview along with his wife.

It comes back again, the sadness. It just doesn’t want to leave me. I feel like banging my head over the wall or break something with my bare hands. I don’t know what to do. My body is aching at every possible place and I’m dead tired to even type anymore as my hands hurt. Talked to the parents this morning but cannot tell thrm any of this as they’ll panic.