Thinking Glasses

Have been thinking a lot lately on what I want to do with my life.

What is it that I love to do for the rest of my life?

Earlier, whenever I posed this question to myself, I always thought that I’d be fine even if it is something that doesn’t pay me much or give me fame, and I’d be really grateful as long as it just something I enjoy doing and if it is something that makes me happy. Now, I realise it is really difficult to find something as such.

I’m 31 now and will turn 32 in 6 months. I spent two decades in school and college and one more decade doing my first job. Now that I finally took the leap and had time for myself for the first time in a decade, i keep thinking all sorts of things.

Should I wait until I figure out what I really love doing OR should I just go with the flow and start something afresh and figure out what I love in the course of life.

At times while I do feel the urgency to figure out something for myself soon, there’s also a thought in some moments, that I’m in no rush and I should take my time figuring out what makes me feel alive and where my happiness is.

As of now, all I know is that whatever I do, I give my best, I give it my all and I’ll succeed in anything life throws at me, no matter what it is. I have that confidence in me. What I don’t know is, if I’ll love what life has thrown at me or will I just continue to do it for the sake of survival?

At this point in life I do not have many responsibilities. Be it financially or emotionally or any way other. I’m relatively free to make any choice that I wish to make. So is it wise to wait or should I make some choice now and go with whatever plans I made for myself? It’s not like i have traditional plans of getting married and having kids. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want. But just because I have time and have no responsibilities whatsoever, should I just go with the flow and live my life just the same way I’ve lived for the past decade?

There’s one thing that’s different now from earlier. The burden of expectations from family and society to prove myself, to make a family for myself and settle down, doesn’t exist now. Even if I go down the same route as before, would the end result still be the same when all the critical variables have changed!?

By the way, it is so much fun not to think about anything serious and just enjoy my days doing nothing. All I’m doing these days is eating, reading, watching dramas and doing minor chores. I’m also scared that I’ll get used to this life and give up on everything πŸ˜…..

Whew!… How do I conclude!?

Hidden

These days, I feel hidden all the time.

And I have no one but me to blame for this situation of mine. In an attempt to avoid facing stupid questions about my divorce, I started avoiding people.
In the beginning, I avoided those questions because it was too painful to answer them. And then it was comfortable not to have to provide explanations to anyone.
Now, it is a pleasure to not to deal with anyone whether the question is about divorce or not. I found pleasure in not having to respond and in not reacting to anyone and worse, I now realize the peace in being alone and stopped reaching out to people.

So what started out as self preservation ended up being the most selfish choice I continue to make for myself.

Now, no matter who it is or what it is about, I have no interest in making small conversations with people. I have no interest in socializing. Sadly, I find pleasure in being the loner. I hope I don’t turn into a psychopath!

However, there are a few byproducts of this scenario that keep troubling me.

  1. I find no interest in expressing myself. Be it verbal or nonverbal. As a result I couldn’t write as I used to and feel like my skill got a little rusty.
  2. More than that, it made me super lazy. I have no motivation to go out, do things for myself, clean-up the house or even my brain. I’ve turned my house and my brain into dustbins.
  3. I don’t even feel like talking to my friends and family too. Silence seems to work really well for my lazy brain.
  4. Worst of all, whenever I get sick, I end up having troubled thoughts about things I’m not yet ready for and it gets really difficult to handle myself during and post the scene or mental state.
  5. Screen Addiction: With nothing better to do, I’m addicted to all sorts of screens and watching everything under the sun,.. rusting my brain even further.
  6. I just cannot seem to bring myself to read anything even if my life depends on it. This is something I cannot digest myself but it has everything to do with screen addiction.
  7. And finally, no worry or effort of any sort for or towards my future plans. This sometimes scares me.

So yeah, here I am,.. just trying to rant away all these thoughts running wild in my head so that I know what’s happening with me and if I can still be saved.

Rippling thoughts

Never in my life have I thought that I’ll be able to do casual talk with him. Life is weird in every possible way. It takes so many turns and sometimes leaves us on roads that one never expects to be on.

I miss him. From the way I scanned across the coach to the way I got angry at him for not coming up to me to say hi, it is clear to me that I miss him. However, what is still not clear is that, do I miss that friend of mine who is always in my heart OR do I miss his love and affection OR do I just miss talking to someone with no expectations attached. I wish there were simple answers. But given the way life turned around me, I’m sure that in time, I’ll definitely know what these weird feelings are all about.

This thought keep popping up more often these days when I think of him. That I miss and love him like the best friend he always was to me. My feelings for him were not the romantic kind because I never had those butterflies or the never ending love he had for me for years. How do I explain his affection for me now? After all that happened between us and after I continuously and consistently said NO to him for years, if not friendship, what is that we still have for each other.. OR am I just trying to console my heart that he was never yours and will never be.

Oh the lines, why are you so blurred that one cannot define something clearly. Did I cross any lines the last time we met that he was avoiding me at every chance he had. He had tonnes of opportunities and yet has been giving excuses. Maybe I’m right all along. Trust your gut and move ahead. This is just one late night phone call triggered by your sighting which wasn’t even worth meeting up in person. Don’t add too much worth to it and just continue living your miserable life as you were.

Good night.. to the flutters and hope that embraced me tonight, even if it is just for a second and as faint as the smell of grass that wavered by a gush of wind πŸ’›πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€.. and don’t forget to love yourself. If not you, who else will love you 🧑

Woah, it’s been 7 years!

I woke up to a notification from WordPress that I have joined word press 7 years ago. 7 years is a really long time for anything. I’m so proud that throughout all my ups and downs, this little space has been there for me. I have people who built my morale when I was feeling terribly low and there were warm cheers from someone I admire on my achievements. It has been a wonderful journey.

My life has not always been rosy and beautiful. It has its own dark moments and bright mornings. A lot happened in these past 7 years. In 2010, I joined the job that I’m still doing. Started off as a trainee and is now leading my own team. Moved from a small town to a big city. Travelled overseas for the first time and many times later. Met so many wonderful people and made amazing friends. Crushed on friends, colleagues, lost loves and finally ended up marrying a stranger. Got married and divorced in a span of 2 years. Went into the depths of depression and still hurdling many steps to get better every day. From being the healthiest person in the lot, turned into the most fragile person of the lot. Have grown from overweight to obese. Moved from tiny, unventilated, dirty hostels to my own apartment(albeit rented). Graduated from being a maggie-cook to someone who dishes out miracles. Fell in love, fell out of love, is still a confused crazy person when it comes to the matters of the heart. Loved my job, hated the same job and went equally crazy about the idiots and geniuses at work. I first started the blog on Blogspot and then after a year or so, moved to WordPress.

Like I always wanted, this blog is completely about me. Everything about me, related to me, thoughts that I thought, feelings felt, this place covered almost every emotion I have ever felt. Though the long breaks in between fail to cover some episodes of my life, they are either too good or too bad to be written or remembered via a blog. I always have a storm going on in my head. The waves and ripples of all those thoughts that I struggle to keep track of are all in there. I sometimes do wish that I had a peaceful head. But no, I am what I am and I gotta deal with what I got. That is how this space was born, as a place to put my thoughts, that helps me with some clarity. Not sure if that really happened, but this place is really like my best friend that I share my deepest secrets with. Really dark and deepest of the secrets end up either in drafts or as private posts. But in any case, I write. One of the biggest gifts this blog has ever given me is the art and skill of writing. Throughout the years, I realised that it is not just wine that gets better with time. It is the same with writing too. I developed a style and method. I do fewer mistakes and I now have the skill of conclusion. Though I’m too dark and depressing to read, my prose is readable now. It was no less of a skill and as I understood my journey, I ended up less judgemental of what others wrote or did or said. That’s because I have come to understand that every person is a work in progress and there is no point in judging anyone for anything except living our own life freeing a little space in the brain for things we love from all the judgemental stuff.

At this point, I learn a lot every day and still struggle to just survive. My health is at its worst and my brain is just back in recovery. I realised that I have an innate disdain for pretentious people and that I should go easy on others stupidity as I myself is stupid in many areas. And that if I don’t want to be pretentious, then I have to be better at everything I do and be in a position that I don’t have to be pretentious and/or tolerate someone as such. This decade has seen a big reverse V in my life where I started with nothing and end with nothing and is now in process of climbing back that steep uphill again.

With all said and written, I can only be thankful for this place, life and everything that came along. I spent a decade, the best time of my life on a job that I never really understood and with people I may never see again. I can now only hope that I make my thirties a better decade and something I would want to fondly recall one day. πŸ™‚

Thank you πŸ™‚

So, what’s cooking?

Today it is the heart filling Pappu Charu with piping hot Annam and Kodiguddu Attu. πŸ™‚ I meant, Lentil stew with white rice and an Omelette. This is a standard school day dinner at our home and is etched into my memory to define peace and pleasantness.

I broke my phone last week. It’s been a ride ever since. I now realise how completely dependent I am on that little piece of tech.Β In process of losing access to the phone, I also lost a lot of data along with it and is still exploring options to get it all back but I don’t see any hope around the corner. So, I guess my curator series now have only my work laptop and WordPress drafts to hunt for content. These two on their own is plenty but I now realise a bit the importance of not reading all those articles, not posting all those pictures and not saving all relevant content on time. Instead of planning to do all those in an unknown and unpredictable future, I should have just lived in the moment. A really good life lesson that my phone taught me.

As a result of not having my phone, I have a lot of lazy time that is being filled with book reading while lazily sleeping on the bed. I guess I trained my brain to run along with the extremely high speed mobile phone RAMs so well that I lost the art of slow motion brain feed, nibbling on thoughts and all the peaceful moments that come along. I completed Looking for Alaska by John Green. It is a simple but amazing book. Read it if you get a chance. Mind you, it is not a fast read but is a pleasant, thoughtful bundle that evokes memories of your life locked away in your heart.

May be not having a smartphone isn’t a bad thing after all baring minor discomforts. I was able to sleep well on most of the days due to decreased binge watching on my mobile and was able to eat healthy home cooked food limiting take outs to 3 for the whole week, was able to concentrate better at work, gathering my perspective again with slowed down thoughts and wasn’t taking everything seriously like I do, when I’m sleepless, irritated and not working. Given all the good things that happened, I’m wondering if I really need a new smart phone now!. Well, it is not all good as I didn’t study for my English exam at all and the deadline is fast approaching and have not done any household chore whatever and my free Saturday is filled with chores as a result. It is good exercise to the body but I should’ve done it evenly across the week.

By the way, I really want to buy One Plus 6T now like an upgrade from One Plus 3T, but is a little too costly with the price around 45000 INR. 2 years back when I bought 3T, it was at around 30000 INR. A phone this expensive, would seriously tighten my budget for the next 3 months at least. So, I’m still thinking about it. Let’s see how it pans out.

And I’m about to start reading a new book and is planning to get back to my book reviews. I should write a review of the John Green book before I start the new one. At this rate, I would definitely read at-least 12 books this year. It would be a nice start as I really feel that I’ve lost that passion for reading. One thing I realised while reading that book last week is that, I clear up my mind while reading and I get better at words, sentences and as a person as well on the whole. That is why I read books. They just make me better for literally no cost(well a few hundreds of rupees and a few hours of time, but that’s nothing in comparison).

So, If I’m not asking for much, this week’s targeted things are here.

  • Do chores on time
  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes a day
  • Book Review of Looking for Alaska
  • PTE Prep
  • Work without getting distracted
  • 5 to 10k steps challenge
  • Read everyday
  • Eat as much as healthy food as I can
  • Sleep on time

Off I go back to my weekend chores. You have a good weekend & week ahead. Tata, Bye bye.

Love, Sahasra.

 

Crazy coward returns to normalcy

I told someone once that as human beings, we are forced to walk ahead no matter what and in the process are guaranteed to meet pain along the way. It takes a while, but we do get used to it and the abnormality called pain becomes the new normal. One day again if we are lucky a new joy comes in to change the definitions again. That is how we humans survive this cycle of life.

I think it makes a lot of sense to me now.

I feel despair and joy both at different times in varied ratios. Sometimes I see my point and sometimes I realize that the other person will have a point of view too and must be feeling the same. Just like me and my pain and my joy, there must be his too. Sometimes, I cannot stand the thought of him being pained by me(yeah, the oh so mighty me!) and sometimes I really know and understand my flawed self.

And then this question pops up. Do I have to learn to get used to the pain and accept it as the new normalcy? That is when it hit me, learning to understand the pain and the process of it turning to normalcy is what healing is all about. Maybe, it is not just normalcy, it is being healed from all that burden and understanding that there is a way out is the path to survival.

Coming to this line of thought isn’t that easy. Took me a while to get here. I know I’m suicidal and have been showing signs of it since forever. But I never tried to kill myself. It is always in my head on the back somewhere lurking. It just tries to sneak out into the wide when I corner myself into the darkness. I care too much about the people around me to die on my own. I read it somewhere and realized it later. It is not the dead who suffer, it is the living they leave behind that suffer a great deal. I’m too much of a coward to die and too weak to put them through that pain. Heck, I don’t even drive because I’m scared that I’ll either end up crippled or worse, kill someone with my distractive mind. All I can do is think myself to death! Maybe one day, when my parents are no longer alive, maybe then I will revisit the thought. Never say never you see.

I know this is all a bit crazy talk and not my normal normal. But one day, when this crazy talk is all over and the real me is back, I’ll pop up that wine bottle and invite you over. Until then.

Love, Sahasra.

Certain Moments

That moment when you know in your heart that you don’t want to live anymore but is too scared to die or worse, too sacred that you might do something to die and you cannot tell anyone you love about this, as it might hurt them, but you still feel like screaming on top of your lungs that you want to die or no longer want to live.

I don’t know why the hell is this so confusing!

It is the same at work. My manager doesn’t give me any work and I mostly get work from a different manager who is a step above my manager, which is kind of a good thing. But when I don’t feel like working at all or have stopped working for days and when no one cares or doesn’t care to realise that I am not working, it feels worse. I know I’m not working for them or their reactions but why do I still seek validation. Why did I feel worse that they gave me a huge raise when I wasn’t satisfied with my own performance. They praised me that I’ve been doing wonderful work and have been successfully managing a huge client and keeping them happy and that I’ve risen up to every challenge thay I was presented with, be it training and building a new team or holding fort when they needed. But why do I feel that I’m not worthy of all that praise. Why the hell do I feel guilty about taking money from a company that I’ve spent my entire twenties serving!

Why the hell did I ask my senior manager about why he doesn’t complain or raise any issues. I didn’t specifically say, “about me!”. But any 2nd statement on that would’ve made that clear to him. I just lucked out that someone walked in right at that moment saving me from any further self-destructive art work. In this exact moment when I write that I’m saved from a disaster, I also feel that I should’ve continued with the discussion and taken my chances and discuss my questions about work!

Why the hell is everything so complicated to me. To die or not die, to work or not work, to take a home loan or not to, to talk or not to talk and hell, to think or not to think.

In this exact moment, I feel so worthless and useless that I can call myself the most self loathing creature on this planet. I just wonder where all that selfish self love was? Just vanished into thin air? Puff?

Curator Series #5: (Not a) Superwoman

Behind a Superwoman

A friend asked me this morning, on what was the problem I had with my husband. His intention was to really understand what my issue was and how it got that bad. Please don’t mistake him for the prying neighbourly aunty. He is someone who accepted me for what I am and gave me the benefit of doubt in every situation even though he disagreed with some of my views. He’s been my rock solid support system who accepted my friendship with my flaws.

For someone like him, I was and will always be ready to explain. He knew that I am in a safe place now and can answer questions like these and hence the question. Since he knows most of the inbetween and after story content, I explained him in simple words when an article in my notes popped up with the super woman topic. He is in the middle of the arranged marriage process and wanted to know how he can try to not repeat my mistake. So, this was my answer to him. Earlier this morning when we spoke, I couldn’t put my thoughts together to explain him clearly, but when I came across this article while going through my posts, I thought this would help me to tell my point in a better and easy way.

So, here it is. The story of a superwoman and who’s behind her. Please note that this article is from womens web by Tanvi Sinha.

https://www.womensweb.in/2017/05/behind-every-superwoman-inconsiderate-man/

And this is my conclusion to my rant.

Most men and women around me are that way(Super woman and Bittu Bhaiyya) and that is why many don’t think it is a problem. But to me it is. That is how I was different or in popular terms, the odd or weird one.

It took me a while and many a depressed bouts to realise that being different from others or expecting different things from others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I still deserve my happiness and that I’m not a bad or terrible person to choose my happiness.

Anyone who’s following might be wondering why I’m writing all these posts now. It’s just me venting out whatever bitterness is left in me and in process paving way to a new life. I’m breathing, getting better and finding myself again. This s an attempt at decluttering my brain and collections as well. Well anyways, my blog has always been about me. I’m a narc that way.

So, here’s my curator series post of the day. Thank you for reading πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—.

Choosing happiness

The sad thing about writing a blog post on the laptop is, I end up going on to the reader and start reading posts. Trust me, that’s sad because, once you start scrolling down the reader, it is a rabbit hole which is never-ending, ever consuming, and most importantly filled with amazingly funny and interesting blog posts. The rants, the stories, the lives, the recipes, the fun, and some pretty serious thoughts, all of those are just wonderful and a little too much to handle on a serious work day. Eventually, I ended up not working at all yesterday. And today when I open my laptop at work again, I see my open tabs filled with interesting posts that are waiting to be read. And I couldn’t resist and dived in.

It was then that I found this post on relationship goals by a very famous blogger. It was about choosing to leave and being happy over staying in the relationship and being unhappy. Well, I couldn’t agree more.

The more I think about my marriage, the more clearer it gets as every day passes. I was terribly unhappy in the marriage. No matter what anybody says, marriage is a compromise that we humans are ready for out of our necessity or want or wish to be with a certain someone. And when I got into a marriage that did not originate from love, I was pretty sure that I may not be the person who can love someone out of the blue and so thought that maybe arranged marriage is the thing for me. I thought if I can respect that someone, and if there is some attraction in between, there can be a relationship and by any remote chance even love can follow. I just shouldn’t have rushed into it and should have taken some time to get to know him and figure out if I can really respect him or not and if I’m attracted to him or not. My other mistake is that I underestimated the power of the human brain. Once I got into the relationship, it is clear that there is no love or attraction. Yet, there is a need to stay in that relationship as it involved many people, two families and their hopes, plans and pressures.

So, in the compromise called marriage, we need to make 10 thousand more compromises every day about things ranging from too little to too big with not just one person but with almost everyone around. I don’t know why compromise is a bad word, but when done with love, while in love and while being loved, nothing ever sounds like a compromise and everything seems to be fair and square. But for someone in my situation, to make all those little or big compromises every day and with a realisation that eventually, I will have to compromise on the dreams and plans that I curated for my life, is just plain heartbreak.

To stay in that marriage means to live a life that is never my wish or dream. Call it my ego or anything else, to live on someone else’s terms made me terribly unhappy. And once the wave of unhappiness hits you, it hits you hard. Throwing you off your feet, into the waves of depression and messing up your brain, body and everything within and around. At one point, the mere thought of a life with him made me miserable.

It is very easy to tell someone in an unhappy marriage to just move on OR to just bear it now and you’ll adjust to it with time OR that all marriages are that way OR to think about your parents OR that the next one might be worse OR that he isn’t abusive OR that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. It is very easy to say such things when you are in a happy place and know nothing of the cyclone of unhappiness raging within this person.

And to choose happiness, this person, has to break hearts, destroy plans and then survive the onslaught of hatred and at the risk of being called cold, cruel and selfish. Well, if it is not my life on the line, maybe, I wouldn’t be so selfish to choose myself over everyone else. Despite all my mistakes, miscalculations, misjudgements, I still have to live with myself. The only way I can do that is to accept my mistakes, accept my shortcomings and still forgive myself so that I can meet the next day in peace. I made a similar choice. I accepted myself for what I am and I choose to move out of that marriage and be happy. I know, I might never find love or might never get married again. I might be alone and might have to face loneliness at one point in time. But I still choose that over being with someone and being unhappy.

Choosing oneself for your own survival is not being selfish. It is called self-preservation. It is the best possible decision that I’ve ever taken and I’m very proud of myself for making such a choice. So, if there is something that I have to tell someone in my place, I would always beg them to choose themselves over anything and everything. No matter how many lives we have, we always remember only one and that one life is this and it is our responsibility to live it to the best of our ability.

Just choose yourself and choose to be happy. Any decision in life should be based on that. And when you do that, you’ll be ready to face any consequences that result from the choices you made.

So, that’s me for today. Have a great life, you people. πŸ™‚