A mess it is..

2017 is a weird year just like my weird life.

It gave me some of the best moments in my life and some of the worst ones too. While I love to think about the happy memories and cannot wait to relive them again, the sadness intertwined in all those scares me. But if there is one thing this year gave me, that might stay with me for a long time is that it made me fearless and confident about my capabilities. It is not that I am super confident now or anything but it is just that I’m a lot more confident about living my life in a way i want to. I now know that fighting for myself is always worth the pain. I now know that looking after yourself and loving yourself isn’t selfish. It is self preservation and realising ones self-worth.

One good thing came out of 2017. I finally took the first step towards liberation, towards a better me, towards my divorce. In 6 months, I’m going to get one. I don’t plan on living here in India for more than an year. I need to make a plan, act on it and leave this place to live my dreams.

Every year i make new year resolutions. I doubt i don’t even remember half of them by the end of January. They get lost in the rat race called life and I just end up surviving the year with no proud memories. This time it seems as if my new year started off a bit early in terms of resolutions. I already made a resolution the day I signed my divorce papers.

That I would give myself 6 months to figure out what to do with myself and to leave this job that i hate so much on the 30th of June 2018. So, I guess I’m still on that path. I was swamped with dealing with a vengeful soon to be ex and taking care of a sick parent which made me go emotionally and physically derailed. But that doesn’t mean I quit.

The fight is still on and i’m still standing. There is this one thing that I’m going to have to remind myself everyday for these 6 months. That i need to be happy in whatever I do and smile no matter how hard it feels or how lonely it gets or how scary it ends.

So here I am, smiling and still living 🙂

Happy New Year everyone. I wish this new year brings you all hope, love and joy along with the strength to face all the crap this world throws at us. Take Care.

Everything revolves around work – Day 173#

If at all there is one thing that I consistently excelled at since childhood, it is Day Dreaming.

I was always the one who wandered into my own land of dreams every possible minute. My brain, by the basic nature of it, it needs strict deadlines to do things or else any task gets procrastinated and nothing ever gets done.

I’m the master procrastinator. I either need deadlines set by an external medium or either the ones set by myself. I was always an above average student and so my content parents never set any targets for me. And the targets that my teachers set cannot be worked upon as my ego is too big to let some stranger decide my capability. I know, i sound arrogant, rude and naive but i was all of those during my teen years. When I set targets for myself and realised their worth, i always got results. It is only when there is a question about the results and confusion about my target that I procrastinated and day dreamed, which is most of the time.

At work I rarely faced any issue as i take less time to finish things and my pace balanced out the time I wasted. These days I’m wasting a lot more time than usual and working comparitively less which is again making me insecure. Less work always made me insecure. I crave to be overloaded with work so that I know I’m performing. Completing targets at work is such a morale booster which is why I called the other day a good day.

In that sense, i did little or nothing yesterday and it made me feel miserable and i binged on food again. The only good thing that came out of it is i went to bed a little early than usual and woke up early.

Day 173 is a day that involves binge eating, binge watching, no work and a lot of day dreaming. In short, another disaster.

I guess if I’m at work for a minimum of 9 hours everyday, it is going to be the biggest contributor in determining if my day is a success or a disaster. I need to learn to be happy at work and find meaning in my work so that it adds value to my life and eventually leading to my betterment.

But the hows and whys and whatifs are still dancing in my mind. Don’t really know where I’m going with this rant, but yeah, I’m somewhere.🤓👩‍💻😀

Sunny Days # Day 174

Some days are good days and some are not. This seems to be a good one.

I think if I try well enough, i can keep my personal life at bay and prevent it fron affecting me. But unless I’m really working or do reasonably well at work, I’m never going to be at peace. These days my personal life is wrecking havoc in my life but a bad day or lazy day at work makes me feel 1000 times worse.

Today is a good day. I’m totally motivated and undistracted. Though there is a minor set back about a credit card, everything else is just good. 3 things that worried me a little are my credit score and sister’s placement anf the thoughts about dealing with the neighbours once he leaves with his furniture. That’s a scary thought. Other than these, I hope I’m like this everyday.

Thank you Dear God. I wish to maintain this pace for a while. And also, i wish sleep comes to me a little early than it usually does. I want to fall in love with the early morning sun like I used to be in childhood. Aah, i envy all those early mornings which now seem impossible. 💆😎🙅

Keep Fighting. Aja aja. 🙅

Smile. It costs nothing.

The next 180 days # Day 175

I’m noticing some good traffic for a blog that’s been on private mode for a while. It is supposed to make me feel good, but all it does is, make me more paranoid.

The headaches aren’t going away and so are the thoughts. It is just the first day of work and I couldn’t concentrate and is lagging. I wish i can do better.

Nevertheless, despite all my failures, I’m going to log everything here. Day by day, week by week, every single day is going to be recorded even if that means i will have to accept shamelessly that I’ve done nothing good or proudly announce that I’ve been doing really well.

Just let me live oh god.. please give me enough strength for it.

#Failure

The next 180 days # Day 176

I kind of managed to get myself off the bed and somehow managed to make my pigsty back into what looks like my home, managed to cook, feed myself and prep for the week but that’s where my progress ended.

I didn’t complete one inch of the pending office work, didn’t study anything. All I did was read and watch TV.  It is just more and more screen time on the weekend. Nothing that I’m proud of, but it is still better considering the mess that I’m in.

For the week, I just hope I stick to the basics and make it work.

  1. Concentrate full time at work.
  2. Sleep early and wake up early.
  3. Eat Healthy.
  4. Lesser screen time.
  5. Take little steps towards further study or career.
  6. Take little steps towards physical fitness.
  7. Most importantly, smile and love myself a little more everyday.

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Dear, it might be a weird self note considering the number of times I promised to follow such lists. But this time, I have no other option but to live it through and end up in a better space.

Choices – The next 180 days # Day 177

I kind of have 2 choices.

Now that it is already the weekend, i can sulk all day and let my house rot and look like a pig sty. Trust me, a pig sty would be in a better state than my house is right now.

It is a given that his presence makes me go crazy and depressed. Any talks that involve him, his family and our marriage are triggering a storm within me. But hasn’t this happened way too many times already? I should’ve gotten used to it by now. But no, everytime I let this happen to myself. And everytime it ruins me for a few days. My house suffers, my health suffers, my work suffers, and everything comes to a halt as if I’m mourning someone or something.

But really, what am I mourning? The end of my marriage and/or the end of this relationship that bound us, our families, that was supposed to give some meaning to my life! The way I see it, I’m not the victim here. Infact nobody is. If at all we are anything, we are a victim of circumstances and social conditions. It is a good thing that getting out of this mess would help us be what we want to. He can go back to being the man he is, marry someone who could respect and love him for what he is and live life on his terms. I can go back to being the woman i was and aspire to be a better person and reach the heights that I wasn’t even supposed to dream of before.

We are just two strong individuals, who are polar opposites, with a defined path in life that didn’t seem to merge unless one of us loses everything and follow the other. We tried to make it work and like everybody would say, tried to compromise on both ends which only made us more miserable and unhappy. This affected our psychological state of mind and eventually the cracks led to a complete break.

We did fight, we did argue, we still do whenever we face each other but all of that is because we either want the other one to see our point or to completely understand and behave in a way they wanted to. This never happens/ed. We are just entirely different to the core and our expectations about the other person to be like us led us here. And in all these arguments for and about divorce and families and us, we tend to forget the real reason here and end up fighting about silly things like shared house work and taking out trash. When in reality, these are not the things we are really fighting for. We are actually fighting about the way we perceive our partner to be and the way they actually are. Adjustments work when it is about “what’s for dinner or who’s going to fold the clothes”, but they wouldn’t work when it is about leaving your job and pursuing higher studies, not wanting kids until it feels right, not lying to each other just for the sake of lying because it is a behavioral trait. Arguing about these things would be pointless as they are things that make people what they are and that cannot be changed unless you want the person to borrow a completely different brain.

But again, it took me ages to understand this and I’m not sure how many more ages would it take for him to realise it all. And for this reason alone that I understood what it was all about and have atleast a faint idea of what it might be, I cannot hate him despite all the creeps he gives me. I cannot love him but couldn’t hate him either because i cannot hate a man for being himself. Though he uses his high pitched tone and towering height to conquer arguments, I’m no perfect as i have my bouts of anger too that ate 2 of my phones. Yes, I’m out of line on that and have been practising self-control ever since I realised it.

The only thing I’m guilty about is that in the process of understanding all of this, i left my family a burden that they’ll have to carry forever and threw them into uncertain and ruthless future. They didn’t ask for any of this mess they were in nor they deserve this. This thing alone kills me every single time and it will take a lot of time to heal these wounds. I think this is why I get depressed whenever I see him or talk to him or about him. It somehow reopens these wounds. Just like the self-control thing, i need to practice restraint and try to help my mind try to disconnect him with my wounds.

So, coming down to what I started, I now have 2 choices. Either I think all of these again and again in repeat in my brain and let it kill me or I write it down, come to a conclusion, understand it for what it is, let it go and get off this bed and live life.

So, I’m choosing the 2nd one and going to live instead of sulking in the past forever. I’m going to try not to let him or his thoughts add salt to my wounds as that would be an unfair act to me by myself.

So, I’m going to publish this post, get off this bed, get myself together, maky my pigsty into a home again, eat, drink, prep for the week and study. These are my tasks for today on my 180 Day Project.

Some observations – The next 180 days # Day 178

When you stop doing what you do and listen to your surroundings, you notice things that you didn’t see before. It is as if you just poke your head out of your little nest and is looking around.

When i decided to concentrate on work and not to watch anything on the net, i realised that it is not just because they are interesting that I wanted to watch. It is because i’m running away, scared from what my life is offering me, scared of things that I’m supposed to face or do, scared to deal with the mess that I am in.

When i stopped my brain from being in a busy state by means of TV shows and YouTube, it had to face the real world. For no reason, i ended up crying in the washroom, drowning my sorrows in caffeine filled coffees and green teas. Only loud music with all the drums and beats gave me some peace. Amidst those loud sounds, i couldn’t even hear my own thoughts and i could work for a while.

When I’m forced to face reality, i found that there are so many things that I need to do to fix my life. The amount of effort required to fix my life is scary. My fears and sorrows add additional weight to it. But i do need to move and get things done. No matter how big a mountain it is, i still have to move it one thing at a time.

And then the lengthy nights that don’t end. They don’t help with the cause at all and I ended up watching shows until late in the morning which causes unhealthy eating and late arrivals at office. It is a vicious cycle. I need to break it somewhere.

Day 178 – update – Fri Dec 8

Junk – Yes

Too much screen time – Yes

Work – not so much

Reading – None

Planning for tomorrow – Yet to do

So far, a disaster followed by a visit from him that added a rotten cherry to an already disastrous cake. Whenever he meets me, it disturbs me to the core and results in binge eating and binge watching phenomena as it did today!

But the only good thing is, i logged it all down and still not losing hope and made a visit to the doctor thereby taking a step towards my better health.

The next 180 days # Day 179

The most difficult moment is to wake up and get off the bed. These days the bed seems to stick like glue and my body doesn’t want to leave it at all. It feels like a successful day the minute i get off from the bed!

Though i wasted precious morning hours sleeping, I’m happy i slept. It has been a while since i slept well and even though it is just 5 hours, it seems like a good night. I had trouble sleeping early and it shows in the morning. I don’t know how i can make my brain shut and go to sleep early.

So, for yesterday’s tasks, I’ve done all but one. Failed the no watching anything on tv or phone condition. It is just difficult not to watch anything when you have a phone, laptop and tv all around along with a wandering brain!

Let’s do it again today. It will not be a total ban but only 1 hour for any kind of watching.

And the rest of the rules stay same.

1. No distractions at work.

2. Eat healthy.

3. Read for atleast an hour.

4. Entertainment screen time <1 hour.

5. Plan for tomorrow.

And most importantly, you deserve to be well and so be well. Be happy.

And now, with a smile, start your day. It’s all going to be okay.

Aja, Aja, Fighting 🙅👩‍💻😊

The next 180 days # Day 180

These may not seem much but to me completing these everyday tasks have become really difficult.

I have been missing deadlines, postponing meetings and barely surviving at work. It seems as if they are still paying me for the work that I’ve done in the first 7 months of this year. Clearly, i haven’t done much after coming back to India. It feels as guilty as hell.

So, my first step to a better life starts at work. 5 simple targets for today.

1. Eat healthy and home cooked food.

2. Complete the 2 tasks that need to be done today.

3. Plan for the tasks to do tomorrow.

4. Read at least a few pages of any book.

5. Do not watch anything on Tv or Mobile.

I’m just begging myself to do these 5 things and go to bed with a smile.

Tough but i have music to my aid. God, help me get through this day.

I know i will be the most happiest of i complete my work part of the list. Point 2 that is. I know how happy and relieved that would make me. Remembering it and here i am.

Aja aja..Fighting! 🙅👩‍💻💆🙅