A good weekend #1

I wish there were more of these. It was in no way perfect but it was a good weekend.

I got a few pending things done, I did some physical activity, I finished a drama, I ended up getting some quality sleep eve though it is just for a couple of hours midday on a full stomach. Most importantly, I managed to converse with my neighbours and also enjoyed my seclusion. I was listening to music and stocked & prepped for the week.

Well, there are many other things that I had wanted to do, like, doing a little reading, writing something, getting some office work done, finishing a course, dusting the bike and riding it, going for a walk and sleeping on time. But like I said, despite of all the things that I didn’t do, this weekend feels like a success as I did my best and rested when I was tired and depressed. I wish the week goes smooth too.

There are a few things I want to accomplish this week but irrespective of checking the items on the list, I also want to end the week in a better or if it permits, in a happy mood.

So, here’s the things for the week to just make it do.

1. Work diligently without getting distracted at work.

2. Sleep early and wake up early.

3. Eat well and eat healthy.

4. Not to stress out about things that didn’t work out, both at work and at home.

5. Talk more often with friends and family.

6. Get some exercise, in whichever way you can.

7. Most importantly, smile a lot.

8. Do one thing that helps you with your future.

When doing a lot seems to be impossible, just doing the minimal, should do.

Why be unhappy about not being able to do a tonne? Just do the needful at the moment and slowly work your way through the rest. This is my motto these days. I’m just getting by, one minute at a time and one day at a time.

Signing of for the day, and looking forward to a great week ahead 😊😎.

Unexpected

I have had a great Monday despite the travel blues and a sleepless night the day before. It wasn’t perfect but was satisfactory. Then came Tuesday which turned out to be the worst of its kind in every possible way.

This morning, when I woke up, I told myself to do something good today. But one thing after the other kept going wrong. I still did not lose it. I still wanted to make it right. I wanted to finish atleast 4 pending tasks at work and call it a good work day. And most importantly, I did not want to distract myself with anything at work (writing, reading, watching) like I did yesterday. I still had my spirits up.

And then came the surprise when I booked a cab to go to the office. As soon as I boarded it, a wave of chilling cold air with a pleasant fragrance hit me. It is AC in combination with Lady Gaga Fame perfume. It is just amazing. It instantly triggered memories of Melbourne. I wondered if I’ll ever let Melbourne go. It reminded me of my love for the city. The chilly winters spent there, on the roads, in the rain, in the parks on sunny days, the music on the roads, those trams, that cold air that hits you when you go out of the airport for the first time, the city’s hustle, the silent suburbs, the peaceful ocean and the amazing skyline. The city that sounds happy on a Monday morning and also stays calm in its own way. It is my kind of city where you can enjoy to the fullest and yet be a silent watcher. I just cannot love it enough.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live in that city but I desperately want to. I spent an year confused on what path I should choose. The Masters route or the PR through work route. I might be eligible for both and since I have enough experience and qualifications. The work route might be the easiest one but I desparately want a break from this work and I’m scared of taking a huge study loan for masters. And then there are other things to decide like, MS or MBA and if so where and what specialisation must I choose. I also have worries on the what ifs of me not succeeding or just not being good enough for that life.

I just don’t understand why I’m so confused and why is it so difficult for me to choose. But there is one thing that is sure from what I felt today. Melbourne will have to be a part of my life plans in whichever way possible. Even if I have to bet my entire savings and start afresh. I’ll have to be there at any cost. And now it is time to decide the how’s of it.

I never expected something simple to make me so determined. I’ll need to stay put on the thought and work this out. First things first, I need to finish the pending tasks at work and mark my first success of the day and then venture out. If you set your mind on it, nothing is impossible. Not even your ever distracting mind is unbeatable. While mind over matter is a thing, mind over mind is what I need to practice and succeed today.

Have a great day 😎.

Curator series #3 – Peanut chutney

Verusenaga pachadi recipe

Pan fry green chillies – 5 to 6 and then fry a quarter cup of groundnuts in the same pan.
They can be fried together as well but make sure they do not get burnt.

Once fried enough, take them off the stove and let the contents cool.

Once cooled off, transfer the contents to a mixer jar and add 1 garlic clove, some dried coconut, a very small piece of tamarind, salt, jeelakarra(cumin) and grind them all into a thick paste.

This mixture can be stored in refrigerator and can be stored for 3 to 4 days.

Add water to the paste to get required consistency before serving.

Tempering is optional and not mandatory.

πŸ˜†πŸ˜€πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

Well, that’s me laughing. Never even in my dreams have I ever thought that I would be posting a recipe on my blog. That’s not because it is wrong but because of how great I am at cooking πŸ˜‹. I’m not a chef or even home cook. I’m just a cooking enthusiastic. I don’t even know if I can be called so. Though I’m always excited about cooking, I’m just not confident enough to treat anyone. I can safely say that I cook enough to survive and cooking is a stress buster to me. I cannot tell you how proud I feel when I cook something delicious. That somehow gives me the feeling that I’m on the top of the world. I know it is a bit of an exaggeration but that is really how it feels when I see yummy food entirely made by me.

On the other hand, my mum, my grand mother and my jejamma, all have been excellent cooks. They make amazing things out of the simplest of ingredients. While I can never cook like them, I do try to. Now that I don’t have my jejamma and ammamma to learn from, my mother is my only direct teacher apart from internet. I now wish I had learnt cooking in my growing up years when my jeji was alive. Apart from the day to day food, I used to get containers filled with home made snacks for my hostel dwellings. Aah, those memories 😍.

Not being able to tend to her in her last years is one of my biggest regrets in life. I got so much from her but couldn’t give her anything back. I wish I had given her my time. I wish I had taken a year off and spent time with her. Just imagine how much I could’ve learnt. She lived for about 80 years. Decades of knowledge lost in transition. I wish I made her a priority and took care of her when she needed us the most. Maybe, our love and care might have added a year or two to her life.

I will never repeat the same mistake with my parents. I will be there for them whenever they need me. No matter how hard it gets and how annoyed i feel or how much our differences grow, I’ll make myself available for them.

And on a lighter note, I also try to learn a thing or two from Mum every now and then. I write down recipes that she explains me on phone and then try them out. So, this is what I found today on my notes and so shared it here as a part of my curator series.

In a life filled with memories, food makes so many that even tera bytes seem less to frame them all in words β˜ΊοΈπŸ˜šπŸ€—πŸ˜.

Curator series #2 – Birthday Memories

Curator series #2 – Birthday Memories

When I think of birthdays, the first thing that comes to my mind is the birthday that I spent in office for the whole day and then met my 3 besties for dinner. It was nothing big or great but just some cake and dinner at a tacky restaurant. But those were my happy memories with people who genuinely loved me and befriended me for what I am despite knowing all my flaws and claws. They were all too busy people working full-time like me and some even in shifts. Yet, they gave me some time of their life which left me with memories that I will cherish forever. Thank you and Love you guys. My only regret is that I wish i had spent more quality time with you. Now that we are all in different parts of the world, it leaves me wondering, have i been a good friend to you all as you have been to me? I hope so.

And you, the guy who loved me with all my deficiencies, I don’t know if i have ever loved you, but i know this for sure that I cared for you like i did for none. Being the girl who never wanted to leave home on her birthday, who wanted to stay at home with Mom n Pop at all costs on all birthdays, i travelled on those stupid village buses for 3 hours only to let you have a glimpse of me on my birthday. And oh boy, the way you looked at me and the way you loved that birthday dress were things forever etched in my memory. I didn’t part with that parrot green dress for atleast 5 years. Thank you for loving me the way you did. Your love made me love myself. Your love told me that I’m worthy of being loved. We have our own flaws but whatever we shared was perfect in its own terms. For that I’ll be eternally grateful and a part of me will always love and cherish your memory.

During all those birthdays while at school, i always wanted to skip school on that day and that was one day my wish was always granted. I used to go to school, show-off my new dress, be the birthday girl and distribute sweets or wafers and come home to the yummy food mumma used to make. Till date, no other memory beat this one, for it happened so many times that i now wish for one more of such birthdays forever. And this feeling makes me wonder, can we ever love our parents like the way they love us? What kind of bond is it that binds us so strongly to them despite all the differences and distance in the world. I wish it wasn’t, as that would have made a lot of my decisions easier to decide.

Another good memory is the last birthday with ammamma. She died a month after that and that memory of her forcing me to wear a traditional dress and making all those dishes for me on that day. Ammamma and Taathagaru, I never really realised how much important you guys were to me until you left. I atleast had grandpa until i finished college but you ammamma, did you have to leave while i was still at school? But anyways, maybe, you wanted to leave that memory for me and so called us over to the village for that birthday. Thank you for leaving me with such lovely memories.

And left are just memories, some sad, some mad and some just normal. Of those, the birthday that i spent in Johannesburg comes to thought first. But it is not necessarily bad. My stupid ego played games all day and at the end, people around me still forgave me and showed kindness. That is my introduction to inherent goodness in people. They left me with no choice but only love and respect them after that. African wildlife Safari and a cosy birthday party with friends isn’t that bad afterall.

Update: 22Oct2018

And then there is the 2017 birthday in Melbourne that is during a very crucial point in my life. The transition time between my suffering and certain realisations. Loved every bit of Melbourne and its experiences. The friends it gave me and the love they shared are just invaluable. It was only after 2017 that I came to know that even cities can love and be loved. One day, I’ll be there, loving it, living in it.

I wrote this post on 26June2017. A couple of weeks before my 28th birthday in Melbourne. I guess 6 months of living alone in a new city makes you recollect all the memories of a day that is important yet not so important to everyone. I’ll be 30 by the next birthday but I look forward to every year that adds new pages to my book of life.

A good weekend

After a Friday night that was restless and uncomfortable, there came a Saturday that was pleasant and cool.

I woke up early but dozed on and off only to finally wake up at around 10:30. With my weekend chores, I was busy sorting the house that I religiously make messy over the week. And then got vegetables at our weekly veggie market and started prepping them for the week while watching JuzzBaat on Fire TV stick.

I must tell you, the show’s good. The one episode that I liked the most or should I say that moved me to my core and made me shed water works is the one with Adaa Khan and Karanvir Bohra. The episode was so emotional and equally funny. While Adaa Khan made it emotional and made me cry, Karanvir Bohra is what you would always want, a break from reality and such a fun person he is. He & his life is too good to be true. Though I loved Adaa Khan’s beautiful act as a Naagin, I was never a fan. But today, I just loved her like anything. She smiles through tears, she smiles through happiness, she smiles when it’s funny too. And she smiles with all her face and her teary eyed smile will tell the kind of strength the girl has that can help her swim through the storms of life. I’m actually amazed and inspired. Strength in the face of adversity is always inspiring. One might think that her life wasn’t a real struggle, but I think it is something only the individual can decide, if something is a struggle or not. Sometimes, the silliest of things to us becomes someone’s struggle and vice-versa. So, I wouldn’t judge anyone on that basis.

After juzzbaat, i delved into TV soaps that I watch once in every couple of weeks and love them while being played on fast forward πŸ˜†πŸ˜‹. In the process I made chicken pulav using leftover chicken curry from the week and then while having dinner, I started the movie Parmanu.

Let me confess, Raazi and Parmanu were the hindi movies that I waited for this year. But since I bought the fire TV stick, i decided to compensate the expense by not going out to the mall for movies. So, I waited for 60 days for those movies to be available on Amazon Prime and Zee. I almost spent an approximate 5000 on the stick and other subscriptions altogether.

So, I watched Raazi a week back and got to watch Parmanu today. I must say, I’m blown away by Parmanu and liked Raazi. Maybe, I expected a little too much from Raazi and a little too less from Parmanu. It is such a difficult task to hold the interest of the audience on a dry story like Parmanu where all the basic information is laid out for all on the web. But it was good. Please watch it if you haven’t. The subscription was worth the movie. I did not subscribe to zee premium only for that movie but the movie was still worth the amount(500 per year). By the way, Parmanu is also good for one more reason. The testing of nuclear weapons did change the face of India on the world map. We were treated with more respect and had a big leverage against everyone who considered us a mere third world country that would play to their tunes. Though I don’t support collection and usage of nuclear weapons or our laughable no first use policy, I still think that at a time when the world is just thinking of itself and was willing to put the future of other countries on line for their own prosperity, India took a stand and took back the control that was almost lost. It was a moment in Indian history which proved that one strong man, a man who is a soft spoken hindi poet by hobby despite being a prime time politician, is capable of showing determination and courage to take tough decisions thay decide the fate the country, without having to be cruel or corrupt. I’m so glad that such a moment is captured on celluloid. John Abraham has started to gain my respect with these films like Madras Cafe and Parmanu. I’m glad he did these films that would otherwise may have remained as documentaries.

By the way, while the pulav was good, i tried my popsicle mould for the first time today and is awaiting the results. I hope they turn out good too😊.

So here I am, almost dozing off, with a wonderful feeling that i made good use of a Saturday. I just wish I had gone to the parlor, rode my bike and read something useful. But since I can still do them all tomorrow, I’ll sign-off on a happy note.

Have a great Sunday people. Hope you all have Fun too πŸ€—β˜ΊοΈπŸ˜πŸ˜Ž.

Balcony and the little ones.

I have a little balcony and a few plants too. Ever since I was little, i always loved the plants i had around. In all those rented houses that I lived across, i have very fond memories of one or many plants that existed alongside. They were just a part of my growth, never too important for anyone to notice but never less important for me to ignore. I was always scared of the little creepy animals that existed in the mud but that never stopped me from loving those plants.

I never understood the appeal and don’t understand it even now. But there’s one thing that I now know. That every minute i spend with those plants, every minute spent muddying my hands, every minute spent worrying about their withering leaves or growing buds, a part in me start living again. It feels as if these plants exist to bind my heart together one piece at a time. They make me forget about the world. At one point, books used to do that for me. Putting brakes on my thoughts is no mean feat. Tv shows and movies succeeded at it to some extent. But these little ones demand my complete attention. Sometimes I even get lost in a completely different set of thoughts when I’m working on them.

When i need to do something with/for these plants, i feel some peace setting in. Some parts of the lost soul returning. In my conflicted and confused mind, i find reason. I have ordered a few plants online a couple of weeks ago which were delivered today. Had to redo the placement as the nursery guys did a lousy job setting them. They left the polythene in the pots. I donno if it was supposed to be that way but i just thought it is common sense. I didn’t even Google it. Maybe I will have to learn a thing or two about balcony gardening. But at the end of the day, it was a good 3 hours of mud play and plant love. My otherwise totally wasted weekend became productive.

I’m looking forward to Monday now. A new day, in the life of my new plants. Hope they live long. I love the fact that there are only limited number of variables that decide their life. Sunlight, Water, Co2 and some fertilizer. Thank you dear god for this pleasure and peace.

Will post some pics soon but for now, good night people.

A mess it is..

2017 is a weird year just like my weird life.

It gave me some of the best moments in my life and some of the worst ones too. While I love to think about the happy memories and cannot wait to relive them again, the sadness intertwined in all those scares me.Β But if there is one thing this year gave me, that might stay with me for a long time is that it made me fearless and confident about my capabilities. It is not that I am super confident now or anything but it is just that I’m a lot more confident about living my life in a way i want to. I now know that fighting for myself is always worth the pain. I now know that looking after yourself and loving yourself isn’t selfish. It is self preservation and realising ones self-worth.

One good thing came out of 2017. I finally took the first step towards liberation, towards a better me, towards my divorce. In 6 months, I’m going to get one. I don’t plan on living here in India for more than an year. I need to make a plan, act on it and leave this place to live my dreams.

Every year i make new year resolutions. I doubt i don’t even remember half of them by the end of January. They get lost in the rat race called life and I just end up surviving the year with no proud memories. This time it seems as if my new year started off a bit early in terms of resolutions. I already made a resolution the day I signed my divorce papers.

That I would give myself 6 months to figure out what to do with myself and to leave this job that i hate so much on the 30th of June 2018. So, I guess I’m still on that path. I was swamped with dealing with a vengeful soon to be ex and taking care of a sick parent which made me go emotionally and physically derailed. But that doesn’t mean I quit.

The fight is still on and i’m still standing. There is this one thing that I’m going to have to remind myself everyday for these 6 months. That i need to be happy in whatever I do and smile no matter how hard it feels or how lonely it gets or how scary it ends.

So here I am, smiling and still living πŸ™‚

Happy New Year everyone. I wish this new year brings you all hope, love and joy along with the strength to face all the crap this world throws at us. Take Care.

Sunny Days # Day 174

Some days are good days and some are not. This seems to be a good one.

I think if I try well enough, i can keep my personal life at bay and prevent it fron affecting me. But unless I’m really working or do reasonably well at work, I’m never going to be at peace. These days my personal life is wrecking havoc in my life but a bad day or lazy day at work makes me feel 1000 times worse.

Today is a good day. I’m totally motivated and undistracted. Though there is a minor set back about a credit card, everything else is just good. 3 things that worried me a little are my credit score and sister’s placement anf the thoughts about dealing with the neighbours once he leaves with his furniture. That’s a scary thought. Other than these, I hope I’m like this everyday.

Thank you Dear God. I wish to maintain this pace for a while. And also, i wish sleep comes to me a little early than it usually does. I want to fall in love with the early morning sun like I used to be in childhood. Aah, i envy all those early mornings which now seem impossible. πŸ’†πŸ˜ŽπŸ™…

Keep Fighting. Aja aja. πŸ™…

Smile. It costs nothing.

Choices – The next 180 days # Day 177

I kind of have 2 choices.

Now that it is already the weekend, i can sulk all day and let my house rot and look like a pig sty. Trust me, a pig sty would be in a better state than my house is right now.

It is a given that his presence makes me go crazy and depressed. Any talks that involve him, his family and our marriage are triggering a storm within me. But hasn’t this happened way too many times already? I should’ve gotten used to it by now. But no, everytime I let this happen to myself. And everytime it ruins me for a few days. My house suffers, my health suffers, my work suffers, and everything comes to a halt as if I’m mourning someone or something.

But really, what am I mourning? The end of my marriage and/or the end of this relationship that bound us, our families, that was supposed to give some meaning to my life! The way I see it, I’m not the victim here. Infact nobody is. If at all we are anything, we are a victim of circumstances and social conditions. It is a good thing that getting out of this mess would help us be what we want to. He can go back to being the man he is, marry someone who could respect and love him for what he is and live life on his terms. I can go back to being the woman i was and aspire to be a better person and reach the heights that I wasn’t even supposed to dream of before.

We are just two strong individuals, who are polar opposites, with a defined path in life that didn’t seem to merge unless one of us loses everything and follow the other. We tried to make it work and like everybody would say, tried to compromise on both ends which only made us more miserable and unhappy. This affected our psychological state of mind and eventually the cracks led to a complete break.

We did fight, we did argue, we still do whenever we face each other but all of that is because we either want the other one to see our point or to completely understand and behave in a way they wanted to. This never happens/ed. We are just entirely different to the core and our expectations about the other person to be like us led us here. And in all these arguments for and about divorce and families and us, we tend to forget the real reason here and end up fighting about silly things like shared house work and taking out trash. When in reality, these are not the things we are really fighting for. We are actually fighting about the way we perceive our partner to be and the way they actually are. Adjustments work when it is about “what’s for dinner or who’s going to fold the clothes”, but they wouldn’t work when it is about leaving your job and pursuing higher studies, not wanting kids until it feels right, not lying to each other just for the sake of lying because it is a behavioral trait. Arguing about these things would be pointless as they are things that make people what they are and that cannot be changed unless you want the person to borrow a completely different brain.

But again, it took me ages to understand this and I’m not sure how many more ages would it take for him to realise it all. And for this reason alone that I understood what it was all about and have atleast a faint idea of what it might be, I cannot hate him despite all the creeps he gives me. I cannot love him but couldn’t hate him either because i cannot hate a man for being himself. Though he uses his high pitched tone and towering height to conquer arguments, I’m no perfect as i have my bouts of anger too that ate 2 of my phones. Yes, I’m out of line on that and have been practising self-control ever since I realised it.

The only thing I’m guilty about is that in the process of understanding all of this, i left my family a burden that they’ll have to carry forever and threw them into uncertain and ruthless future. They didn’t ask for any of this mess they were in nor they deserve this. This thing alone kills me every single time and it will take a lot of time to heal these wounds. I think this is why I get depressed whenever I see him or talk to him or about him. It somehow reopens these wounds. Just like the self-control thing, i need to practice restraint and try to help my mind try to disconnect him with my wounds.

So, coming down to what I started, I now have 2 choices. Either I think all of these again and again in repeat in my brain and let it kill me or I write it down, come to a conclusion, understand it for what it is, let it go and get off this bed and live life.

So, I’m choosing the 2nd one and going to live instead of sulking in the past forever. I’m going to try not to let him or his thoughts add salt to my wounds as that would be an unfair act to me by myself.

So, I’m going to publish this post, get off this bed, get myself together, maky my pigsty into a home again, eat, drink, prep for the week and study. These are my tasks for today on my 180 Day Project.

6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, πŸ‘©