Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

In the exact moment #1

I feel like banging my head into the bus door and steel rod infront of me rather than face this life.

It seems to be the easiest thing to do. Why can’t life be just simple where everybody minds their own business?

The suicidal thoughts aren’t anything new. They have become more steady and consistent in the past few months. But only this time, I choose to write. Every time, i somehow cope with them. The fact that such an act would destroy my family is the only thing stopping me.

I’m going to them. I will have to answer so many people and so many questions. I will have to bare my soul for everyone who choose to be my well-wishers. It is as it is difficult to talk to people and now I’ll have to talk to strangers! It scares me like anything. I wish I close my eyes and everything goes away. If only I can roll the timeline by 2 years!

Okay, I need to sleep for a while. It is going to be a very long day. Wish me strength and luck.