Blast from the past ….

Sometimes, I’m all well and sometimes I’m not, just like everyone else out there.

But at times, it is just difficult to be. And this is a picture of a note from a time when it was just unbearable, yet still the beginning of a long road of pain. I didn’t know of it then but writing down how I felt, sometimes helped.

So when it hurts like hell, find a vent… In whatever form you’d like it to be.

Just vent it all out and lighten your heart. πŸ–€πŸ–€

06 21 .. going into 07 21

#currentstateofmind

More updates: Read none; Watched a tonne; Zero on income and Zero on any progress on professional front; all available energy is spent on chores, cooking and eating; only thing that seems to interest me is binge watching and that too only since it doesn’t require me to get out of my bed!

And also, I have so many unused old diaries and so I decided to use them for all my journaling instead of buying new ones. Hence the July 2019 on the page.

Danke 😁😎.. see you again sometime later πŸ§πŸ–€πŸ€.

Expectations & Trials to not live up to them!..

All my life I have been burdened by expectations others had on me. I have either tried to live up to them OR ran away at the first chance I got. That’s the case with many but for me somehow, my life was/is defined by these attempts. Now, I seem to be facing a new version of this problem.

The expectations that I lived up to or tried my best to do so are those of my parents and those that came along with my job. I have been the proud daughter of my parents for a long long time, thanks to all that effort, whenever I took a turn that might lead to disappointment for them, I quickly changed course and was always successful to turn the tide. I did the same thing with my job. I worked extra hard than everyone else, to be the best. I know that though I may not be the most intelligent person in the room, I can always be the most hard working person and that it would almost always pay off. And owing it to my luck, my hard work have always paid off. Whenever I felt like I was lacking or getting complacent, I doubled down on my effort, learnt new things and bounced back to takeover the best spot. This attitude have always rewarded me with the best and made me confident about myself.

It also makes sense that at work, my value is determined by how well I perform or how good my results are. One thing I never understood is the feeling that I get/used to get at home. I felt as if our bests are appreciated and our worsts are mourned. I never get this. Isn’t the love of parents supposed to be unconditional? Shouldn’t they love us inspite and despite all our failures and disappointments? I know they love me, but why do I feel the disappointment they see in me, so strongly when I fail? Why do I have to live up to my parents expectations of what I am or what I can be! Just so that they’ll love me more? That’s crazy!..

I broke this chain of not disappointing them, when I decided to get a divorce. And I continue to do so by not giving up to their wish/demand to get married again, by leaving my longtime job, by not making any sensible choice ever since. I may continue to do so hereon, but the guilt of doing so and hurting them in the process, coexists. But the point is, I broke the chain and freed myself up.

The other scenario where I ran away from expectations, is/was with my relationships Aka romantic interests. I have been in a couple of serious relationships and a few more minor crush/not serious equations. Now that I recall how they went down, every single time, it is the same story. I got scared of the expectations they had from me and I ran away at the first chance I got. I hurt everyone in the process, including me.

No, I’m not regretting my choices. Given a chance, I may have tried to make my executions painless, but I’d act in similar fashion if placed in same situations. The one thing that I’m trying to understand from this case is, why do I get scared of expectations!.. Would it have been different if I put forth my limits first, thereby limiting the range of expectations they have or might have of me? OR maybe if I had done that, there wouldn’t be any relationships in the first place. Also, some limits are only understood when you are in the game. And I know what they say, open communication is the key to successful relationships. Then the question might be this, “why do I let myself get so affected by someone else’s expectations!.. it should be their problem to deal with and not mine”

I’m so closed in many ways that I don’t know how to open up and talk about this stuff in relationships. Anyways, this isn’t my biggest problem today and can always be revisited if and when I get into this mess again, which by the way is a long shot anyways.

Today’s problem is with the expectations I seem to have about myself. How do I live up to those? There’s no option to run away from myself!

At the moment, I’m doing nothing, out of fear of failing at what I may do! Which means I’m in the flight mode already and cannot be this way any longer. How do I get out of this rut and convince myself that no-game is equivalent to failure? How do I pick myself up and gather the courage to do something again? These expectations that I’m so afraid of, are these even mine? Do I have to succeed at everything I do? Can i not be a failure who failed trying instead of being the failure who never tried?

There must be a way to pick up the pieces and walk ahead. Life is about living and not just idling it away in the fear of failure. Haven’t I lived long and safe enough to risk it all atleast once? Why do I need to repeat the same mistakes of my parents. Let’s make new ones. Let’s risk it all.

I should learn not to measure my worth in terms of my expectations and achievements. I should measure myself in the efforts and hardwork I put in, on the path I paved for myself. Just like how I wanted my parents to love me despite my failures, and how I thought to not care about someone’s else’s expectations of me, I should do apply the same rules of love and ignoring expectations to myself.

Results are dependent on ten thousand things, while as efforts can be completely mine to own. To break the barrier of expectations and to set out, to achieve the frontiers I’ve never even dared to envision, should be my Moto.

😁.. it’s true what the saints say about us humans, listen to yourself, look carefully at yourself, you’ll have the answers that you’ve been searching for all along, within you.

πŸπŸ’œπŸ€πŸ’šπŸ’™β™₯οΈπŸ€ŽπŸ–€β˜˜οΈ

P.S: This is a post about myself written for me, like most of the posts on my blog are. Despite that, if you have managed to read this long story, thank you for walking through the realms of my mind. I understand that it can be tiring and so, I’m always grateful to people who try to peek into my brain & soul.

Let me tell you a secret now. Classic editor seems to appear by default when you type from your mobile app. Well, I can live with that for now!

One of those days

It is one of those days when I find the need to….

  • To shout or yell at someone loudly about everything
  • To want to pull someone close, hold their hand and tell them that I’m not okay and that I need help
  • To feel like I’m living in a body again not some rotten piece of meat
  • To feel alive and joyous in my heart
  • To be excited about everything I have and the energy to get what I don’t.
  • To feel healthy and happy in my mind, body and soul..

And finally, to want to live now…. and later one day far in the future, to die a peaceful death.

Midnight Musings

Aadhi raat ki khushi aur khamoshi dono bardasht ke bahir hote hai..

Have you ever felt the beauty of night fall? I’ve always loved nights more than the day. It has always been in conflict with my love for early mornings. But it is the same bind that makes me love these two. The silence and peace in these moments is what makes them precious.Β 

Since childhood, I was accustomed to waking up early, as early as 4 am in the morning and waiting for the newspaper boy to come in. It is strange that I never romanticised the paper boy given the fact that there were so many days and countless lone interactions. I guess they were busy and I, naive and still innocent. But as life happened, school paved way to college and then to work. 

It was only when work got hectic and life got serious, I started to realise the beauty of night, the peace and silence of it all. Those empty and silent moments when everything goes numb and everyone shuts up. It was that time of the day when I could hear myself loud and clear. No amount of stress from work could hinder my newfound joy. It is a different story that it did have an impact on my day life as I ended up sleepless and restless. But I managed it all with coffee and coke! I was fine despite everything that’s been happening in my life.

It is in these rare moments that I miss having a partner. One such moment is now. It is true that I’m scared of sharing my precious little thing with anyone. But it is also true that I’m equally scared of not being able to share this pure joy of mine with anyone else. Very rarely, but yes, I want to share these minute miracles with someone who cares. It does make me wonder, if I will ever be able to love someone enough to want to live a life together, to want to give up my personal space for a merged togetherness, to want to tolerate the little misgivings and irritables! Will I ever be able to give up a bit of myself and make room for someone else in my life and take up similar space in theirs? How much of self-love is okay and how much is too much?

Well, I do not have any answers and I do not have any conclusion to this post. These are just midnight musings and I’m not even equipped with the brain capacity to think any bit more. But on a day or night when I have the answers and energy, you’ll be the first to know. 

Let the moon shine brightly and smile sweetly at you. May you all find peace and quiet these nights have to offer. 

Take care and sleep tight.

Thinking Glasses

Have been thinking a lot lately on what I want to do with my life.

What is it that I love to do for the rest of my life?

Earlier, whenever I posed this question to myself, I always thought that I’d be fine even if it is something that doesn’t pay me much or give me fame, and I’d be really grateful as long as it just something I enjoy doing and if it is something that makes me happy. Now, I realise it is really difficult to find something as such.

I’m 31 now and will turn 32 in 6 months. I spent two decades in school and college and one more decade doing my first job. Now that I finally took the leap and had time for myself for the first time in a decade, i keep thinking all sorts of things.

Should I wait until I figure out what I really love doing OR should I just go with the flow and start something afresh and figure out what I love in the course of life.

At times while I do feel the urgency to figure out something for myself soon, there’s also a thought in some moments, that I’m in no rush and I should take my time figuring out what makes me feel alive and where my happiness is.

As of now, all I know is that whatever I do, I give my best, I give it my all and I’ll succeed in anything life throws at me, no matter what it is. I have that confidence in me. What I don’t know is, if I’ll love what life has thrown at me or will I just continue to do it for the sake of survival?

At this point in life I do not have many responsibilities. Be it financially or emotionally or any way other. I’m relatively free to make any choice that I wish to make. So is it wise to wait or should I make some choice now and go with whatever plans I made for myself? It’s not like i have traditional plans of getting married and having kids. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want. But just because I have time and have no responsibilities whatsoever, should I just go with the flow and live my life just the same way I’ve lived for the past decade?

There’s one thing that’s different now from earlier. The burden of expectations from family and society to prove myself, to make a family for myself and settle down, doesn’t exist now. Even if I go down the same route as before, would the end result still be the same when all the critical variables have changed!?

By the way, it is so much fun not to think about anything serious and just enjoy my days doing nothing. All I’m doing these days is eating, reading, watching dramas and doing minor chores. I’m also scared that I’ll get used to this life and give up on everything πŸ˜…..

Whew!… How do I conclude!?

Hidden

These days, I feel hidden all the time.

And I have no one but me to blame for this situation of mine. In an attempt to avoid facing stupid questions about my divorce, I started avoiding people.
In the beginning, I avoided those questions because it was too painful to answer them. And then it was comfortable not to have to provide explanations to anyone.
Now, it is a pleasure to not to deal with anyone whether the question is about divorce or not. I found pleasure in not having to respond and in not reacting to anyone and worse, I now realize the peace in being alone and stopped reaching out to people.

So what started out as self preservation ended up being the most selfish choice I continue to make for myself.

Now, no matter who it is or what it is about, I have no interest in making small conversations with people. I have no interest in socializing. Sadly, I find pleasure in being the loner. I hope I don’t turn into a psychopath!

However, there are a few byproducts of this scenario that keep troubling me.

  1. I find no interest in expressing myself. Be it verbal or nonverbal. As a result I couldn’t write as I used to and feel like my skill got a little rusty.
  2. More than that, it made me super lazy. I have no motivation to go out, do things for myself, clean-up the house or even my brain. I’ve turned my house and my brain into dustbins.
  3. I don’t even feel like talking to my friends and family too. Silence seems to work really well for my lazy brain.
  4. Worst of all, whenever I get sick, I end up having troubled thoughts about things I’m not yet ready for and it gets really difficult to handle myself during and post the scene or mental state.
  5. Screen Addiction: With nothing better to do, I’m addicted to all sorts of screens and watching everything under the sun,.. rusting my brain even further.
  6. I just cannot seem to bring myself to read anything even if my life depends on it. This is something I cannot digest myself but it has everything to do with screen addiction.
  7. And finally, no worry or effort of any sort for or towards my future plans. This sometimes scares me.

So yeah, here I am,.. just trying to rant away all these thoughts running wild in my head so that I know what’s happening with me and if I can still be saved.

Rippling thoughts

Never in my life have I thought that I’ll be able to do casual talk with him. Life is weird in every possible way. It takes so many turns and sometimes leaves us on roads that one never expects to be on.

I miss him. From the way I scanned across the coach to the way I got angry at him for not coming up to me to say hi, it is clear to me that I miss him. However, what is still not clear is that, do I miss that friend of mine who is always in my heart OR do I miss his love and affection OR do I just miss talking to someone with no expectations attached. I wish there were simple answers. But given the way life turned around me, I’m sure that in time, I’ll definitely know what these weird feelings are all about.

This thought keep popping up more often these days when I think of him. That I miss and love him like the best friend he always was to me. My feelings for him were not the romantic kind because I never had those butterflies or the never ending love he had for me for years. How do I explain his affection for me now? After all that happened between us and after I continuously and consistently said NO to him for years, if not friendship, what is that we still have for each other.. OR am I just trying to console my heart that he was never yours and will never be.

Oh the lines, why are you so blurred that one cannot define something clearly. Did I cross any lines the last time we met that he was avoiding me at every chance he had. He had tonnes of opportunities and yet has been giving excuses. Maybe I’m right all along. Trust your gut and move ahead. This is just one late night phone call triggered by your sighting which wasn’t even worth meeting up in person. Don’t add too much worth to it and just continue living your miserable life as you were.

Good night.. to the flutters and hope that embraced me tonight, even if it is just for a second and as faint as the smell of grass that wavered by a gush of wind πŸ’›πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€.. and don’t forget to love yourself. If not you, who else will love you 🧑

Woah, it’s been 7 years!

I woke up to a notification from WordPress that I have joined word press 7 years ago. 7 years is a really long time for anything. I’m so proud that throughout all my ups and downs, this little space has been there for me. I have people who built my morale when I was feeling terribly low and there were warm cheers from someone I admire on my achievements. It has been a wonderful journey.

My life has not always been rosy and beautiful. It has its own dark moments and bright mornings. A lot happened in these past 7 years. In 2010, I joined the job that I’m still doing. Started off as a trainee and is now leading my own team. Moved from a small town to a big city. Travelled overseas for the first time and many times later. Met so many wonderful people and made amazing friends. Crushed on friends, colleagues, lost loves and finally ended up marrying a stranger. Got married and divorced in a span of 2 years. Went into the depths of depression and still hurdling many steps to get better every day. From being the healthiest person in the lot, turned into the most fragile person of the lot. Have grown from overweight to obese. Moved from tiny, unventilated, dirty hostels to my own apartment(albeit rented). Graduated from being a maggie-cook to someone who dishes out miracles. Fell in love, fell out of love, is still a confused crazy person when it comes to the matters of the heart. Loved my job, hated the same job and went equally crazy about the idiots and geniuses at work. I first started the blog on Blogspot and then after a year or so, moved to WordPress.

Like I always wanted, this blog is completely about me. Everything about me, related to me, thoughts that I thought, feelings felt, this place covered almost every emotion I have ever felt. Though the long breaks in between fail to cover some episodes of my life, they are either too good or too bad to be written or remembered via a blog. I always have a storm going on in my head. The waves and ripples of all those thoughts that I struggle to keep track of are all in there. I sometimes do wish that I had a peaceful head. But no, I am what I am and I gotta deal with what I got. That is how this space was born, as a place to put my thoughts, that helps me with some clarity. Not sure if that really happened, but this place is really like my best friend that I share my deepest secrets with. Really dark and deepest of the secrets end up either in drafts or as private posts. But in any case, I write. One of the biggest gifts this blog has ever given me is the art and skill of writing. Throughout the years, I realised that it is not just wine that gets better with time. It is the same with writing too. I developed a style and method. I do fewer mistakes and I now have the skill of conclusion. Though I’m too dark and depressing to read, my prose is readable now. It was no less of a skill and as I understood my journey, I ended up less judgemental of what others wrote or did or said. That’s because I have come to understand that every person is a work in progress and there is no point in judging anyone for anything except living our own life freeing a little space in the brain for things we love from all the judgemental stuff.

At this point, I learn a lot every day and still struggle to just survive. My health is at its worst and my brain is just back in recovery. I realised that I have an innate disdain for pretentious people and that I should go easy on others stupidity as I myself is stupid in many areas. And that if I don’t want to be pretentious, then I have to be better at everything I do and be in a position that I don’t have to be pretentious and/or tolerate someone as such. This decade has seen a big reverse V in my life where I started with nothing and end with nothing and is now in process of climbing back that steep uphill again.

With all said and written, I can only be thankful for this place, life and everything that came along. I spent a decade, the best time of my life on a job that I never really understood and with people I may never see again. I can now only hope that I make my thirties a better decade and something I would want to fondly recall one day. πŸ™‚

Thank you πŸ™‚

Crazy coward returns to normalcy

I told someone once that as human beings, we are forced to walk ahead no matter what and in the process are guaranteed to meet pain along the way. It takes a while, but we do get used to it and the abnormality called pain becomes the new normal. One day again if we are lucky a new joy comes in to change the definitions again. That is how we humans survive this cycle of life.

I think it makes a lot of sense to me now.

I feel despair and joy both at different times in varied ratios. Sometimes I see my point and sometimes I realize that the other person will have a point of view too and must be feeling the same. Just like me and my pain and my joy, there must be his too. Sometimes, I cannot stand the thought of him being pained by me(yeah, the oh so mighty me!) and sometimes I really know and understand my flawed self.

And then this question pops up. Do I have to learn to get used to the pain and accept it as the new normalcy? That is when it hit me, learning to understand the pain and the process of it turning to normalcy is what healing is all about. Maybe, it is not just normalcy, it is being healed from all that burden and understanding that there is a way out is the path to survival.

Coming to this line of thought isn’t that easy. Took me a while to get here. I know I’m suicidal and have been showing signs of it since forever. But I never tried to kill myself. It is always in my head on the back somewhere lurking. It just tries to sneak out into the wide when I corner myself into the darkness. I care too much about the people around me to die on my own. I read it somewhere and realized it later. It is not the dead who suffer, it is the living they leave behind that suffer a great deal. I’m too much of a coward to die and too weak to put them through that pain. Heck, I don’t even drive because I’m scared that I’ll either end up crippled or worse, kill someone with my distractive mind. All I can do is think myself to death! Maybe one day, when my parents are no longer alive, maybe then I will revisit the thought. Never say never you see.

I know this is all a bit crazy talk and not my normal normal. But one day, when this crazy talk is all over and the real me is back, I’ll pop up that wine bottle and invite you over. Until then.

Love, Sahasra.