One thing that never fails to make me happy…. Music

No matter what my mood is and how my situation is, there is one thing that always make me happy. It makes me stand up and get going. It gives me pleasure no matter what I’m doing. At times, I even feel like no matter how stressful and fearing my work is, with this, i can just conquer it all.

It is Music. Most importantly, Music in my own language. Usually i do not have these feelings of race, caste, creed, region or religion. But when it comes to music, i cannot enjoy music in any other language except Telugu. I do love Hindi songs but it takes some time for the songs to sink in and to be able to enjoy music in English, it requires a lot of effort on my part. I need to see the visual, like it, or read the lyrics, like them, then listen to the song, like the tunes, then compare lyrics to the song, sing along to get familiar with the song and then enjoy. This process takes a lot of time and effort. The same goes with music in any other language, be it Tamil, Malayalam or Korean. They all demand a lot of time and effort for me to be able to enjoy that music.

But with Telugu, it is just different. It flows like natural. Of course it does, it is my Mother Tongue after all. A language I think in. Melody, Fast beat, Lullaby, Musical, the type of the song doesn’t matter as long as the lyrics are meaningful, beautiful and in Telugu. Mostly, I love those songs that remind me of the movie story as they aren’t forcefully added to the movie but flow naturally with the movie’s pace. Such songs remind you of the entire movie making you want to watch it again.

I sometimes wonder if i will ever be able to understand songs or music the way i understand songs in Telugu. No matter how good i am at reading, writing, and speaking Hindi, I will never be able to understand the lyrical nuances like I do in Telugu. I think lyrics and composition are like 2 wheels of a vehicle called song. And when you cannot connect to the depth of the lyrics, there is only so much the score can do. To me, a soulful lyric in Telugu, sung beautifully with decent composition beats any world class composition in any language. This makes me wonder how linguistics actually work. Sure, you can be proficient in a language that isn’t yours. But can you really get to the roots of the language enough to understand and be able to enjoy the lyrics of a song in that language?

I do love the music posts many people do on WordPress. They are like reviews or intros to the songs they like. I should do a movie & music favourites category. Music is such a big part of my life. That too a happy one. I should definitely add it to my happy collection here.

Melbourne Dairies #1

There are so many times that I started writing about Melbourne and couldn’t finish the post as i get lost in the memories it gave. Today, i atleast want to start this series. These days i keep feeling that I’m dumping all my sadness and pain into this blog but not collecting any of my good memories, the happy ones. If i keep on doing this, one day, when i look back at my blog, all I’m going to get is a recollection of sad memories. I don’t want that and so i made my mind to post atleast one happy post a week. No matter how small or big it is. So, it is a gloomy but happy post today. ๐Ÿ˜„ It is raining while i started for office. I have always loved rains. I’m a July born and being in a small town for most of my life, i have never known the ugly side of rains until i came to the city. And then, I started hating rain .. that is until i met them again in Melbourne. Melbourne is a weird city. Before going there, i have read that one can see all 4 seasons in one day. I thought it was a bit exaggerated. But no, Melbourne is that way. It will be all warm and sunny when you wake up and it will be drizzling by the time you leave for office and by lunch it will be windy and by evening the chill comes back. ๐Ÿ˜‰ It is like that. And the most important thing is, the weather isn’t harsh over there. And the rains, oh water comes down too sharp unlike the rains here, but the weather becomes all too pleasant when it rains. I just loved it. Watching Fidaa after being drenched in the rain is my most wonderful memory of rain in Melbourne. I think it is an amalgamation of all the things that i loved. I love rains. I love singer Rain. I love Melbourne and i loved the movie. And those long walks in that windy weather and occasional drizzles, they are just too good. I cannot wait to go back. To me, Melbourne is love and peace. At a time in my life when all I had was pain and sadness, was depressed and low, Melbourne gave me love with all the โ˜€๏ธ sunshine in the world. It gave me the courage to face the world despite how messy my life is. To smile at strangers, to talk to people again, to introspect, to write, to heal, to recover, and to just be myself, it is all Melbourne that helped me. Before 2017, if anyone had told me that cities have life too and that they mean something to people, i would’ve laughed at that dialogue. But now i realise how true it is. I know what it is like. When a place gives you love and hope for future, you will love it back. The live and vibrant Melbourne will always love anyone who loves it back. It is this introvert’s paradise. One day, i will be back in Melbourne, to be there forever. ๐Ÿ˜˜๐Ÿ˜๐Ÿ˜Žโ˜บ๏ธ๐Ÿ™๐Ÿ˜„.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Decisions of heart โค๏ธ

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

Lazy days

There is this weird happiness in being able to be lazy for the whole day when you are not forced to do one thing!

A Saturday when you had a festival holiday on the Friday and you had nothing to do but to enjoy your weekend, is a wonderful Saturday. Waking up lazily at a time you want after a good night sleep and then lazily making coffee and breakfast which by the way is upma that takes little or no effort.

Here i am, sitting in the balcony with Karan Johar’s Autobiography and my breakfast setup. With my little plants happily growing buds and the day light being messed up with these on and off drizzles with a background score of the Chaviti bhajans from the township prayer area is just a little too perfect set up for a lazy Saturday morning.

By the way, I’m reading Karan Johar’s Autobiography, “An Unsuitable Boy”. I don’t know what the title meant, but I’ve just started reading it and i must say it is good. If you are any bit emotional and any bit Indian, you’ll like it. Though I’ve read only prologue and one chapter, i can say that it is well written and well framed. You can just get the tone of a book from the first few pages itself. And ofcourse, any film makers book is interesting as it tells you things about people who are always in the limelight but have a coat of secrecy over them. I guess it is our curiosity that makes these books and movies interesting.

And in all of this, one cute thing happened which reminded me of my own childhood memories. While I was eating my breakfast and parallely reading, there is this little girl from the opposite apartment who observed me for like 5 to 10 minutes while drinking her milk, I assume. It was cute that sh stood over there observing a woman reading in her balcony. It reminded me of those childhood days of mine when we would come back from school or on a Sunday evening when my Mum would be sitting on her chair somewhere in a quiet corner of the house and reading something or anything. Infact, those quiet reading times were what inspired me to read, to fall in love with these amazing things call books. I have grown up watching people read which tells me that no matter how busy you are, you can always make time for a good book as long as your brain is free to take in. To this day, that love for books, that love for reading never left me. Infact that is the only thing I ever loved unconditionally in this entire world. Even though the time i can spare for reading is very less thesr days, i still cannot stop myself from buying books just for the sake of collecting them for the rainy day. Like today ๐Ÿ˜Ž๐Ÿ˜‹. I just wish i made her a little bit curious about what I was doing and she takes up a book just out of curiosity. I only know her from this balcony and have seen her observing me while i was doing my quiet reading here. So, I can just wish.

It is also my dream to start a little library somewhere, possibly in the apartment complex i live to just make reading a little bit easy for people and most importantly kids. But I’m still a little bit selfish about my collection and is not yet ready to part with them and i know that the day i start giving our books i should be ready to loose them as well as not every book that goes out comes back. I know this for a fact after looking at library books being held hostage at our home for months if not years. It is not that my mum is stealing them, but it is just that she doesn’t find time to complete all of them and even if she does, she is just too lazy to return them. She returns them whenever she visits the local library but then gets back with a tonne of books again. I cannot tell you how much fine she has paid until now for those late returns! ๐Ÿ˜‰๐Ÿค”.

Okay, here we are at the end of my long weekend rant and the vegetable sellers are here on their usual time. We have this Saturday mini market in our Apartment Complex every week which helps me avoid going to the supermarket every now and then. So convenient. This is one of the things I love about living here.

Okay then, off i go to our vegetable market and bye bye.

This n that

Well, I wanted to keep posting updates regularly so that i stay on course with my list. Though not exactly, but to the maximum possible extent.

The weekend was another waste except for lots of cooking, binge watching and reading. One good thing is that my erratic sleeping hours are a bit under control. I have madeโ€‹ new rules about food and sleep cycles.

  1. No food after 10pm. If at all I’m too hungry or craving for something, then i can have a fruit or a few grapes.
  2. No coke or caffeine after work hours. Try to limit myself to one coffee a day.
  3. Get back to drinking green tea and atleast one bottle of water per day.
  4. Little or no rice in main courses while adding more veggies and protein. Add soups to dinner menus.
  5. Make mental notes of sugar and salt intake. Regulate and control it.
  6. Finish food in fridge before cooking anything else.
  7. Finish groceries at hand before buying anymore.
  8. Minimal usage of Carol’s resources.
  9. Sleep early and wake up early. I know, this is the toughest of all!
  10. Make proper use of lunch break at office. Maybe, walk for 20 minutes everyday! Do something other than work.

Well, i know I’m making too many lists. But to me, making lists is the most effective way to get back on track. I’m tuned that way. I think most of the tasks on my list are actionable and pretty much reasonable. Let’s see how it goes. It will be good if i atleast suceed doing half of the list. As Don Tillman would say, it is like a Gordian knot where one of these might help me get everything done.

Talking of Don Tillman, i have started reading “The Rosie Effect” by Graeme Simson. The 2nd one in the series after “The Rosie Project” which was one wonderful book. 50 pages into it, i now think i need to revisit Rosie Project again! There seem to be lapses in memory. ๐Ÿ˜‹ Memory loss at 27(28 in a month!). Anyways, totally loving Rosie Effect but thinking of keeping it on hold and reading Rosie Project again. I’m not exactly sure where to buy the book but need to search for it. For the love of Don and Rosie, I need to reread it.

Good night ppl. Signing off for the day, Shabba Kher.

Meri Pyaari Bindu

If you are not a fan of Ayushmann Khurana, then be one. Well, Parineeti Chopra is no less but you know, I’m into men. So, Ayushmann it is.

How can a guy be that beautiful? I know it is ‘Handsome’ for men, but one look at him, his perfectly shaped eyebrows, those wonderful eyes and that sad yet soulful smile, makes me say beautiful and wow. More than that, how can he do that magic in every single movie? He is absolutely adorable and yummilicious. I need not say a word about his acting abilities. If not for the fact that he is happily married, i would’ve just believed that Abhi and Bindu are for real. He is that amazing and convincing. 

The movie may be titled after the herione but Ayushmann is the one who captured my heart. This I don’t think is any coincidence. Can i relate to the story? A big YES. If only i was happy in my marriage and had a kid and found out what i can be really good at, the story would’ve been mine. But it isn’t and still, i loved the guy because it remembered me of that guy who was my bestfriend and who loved me like crazy. If it wasn’t something that i have seen and lived, i would’ve probably laughed it off calling it a fictional sob story. But no, things like that happen and people like me break hearts just because we don’t know what we are doing. Just because we aren’t sure if it is right or wrong, we give up. We are confused and most often, are tortured souls who not only torture ourself but also end up doing the same to everyone around us. You see what I’m doing? I end up telling about myself eventually. This is why i call myself a narcissist. By the way, apart from the fact that Parineeti(Bindu) has a picture perfect body, i really think we have real similarities in being confused and breaking hearts. I’m not the wild child but i sure am the confused one. One thing’s for sure that we will always have those memories of our first love in our heart forever no matter how it ends. So, that is what this movie reminds me of.

Anyways, if you have the time, please do go and watch the movie. It is so worth it. I can really say, if you ever had a love story that didn’t work out, you’ll definitely find yourself somewhere in their journey. And if yours is one of those happilyโ€‹ every after stories, you’ll definitely thank your partner for the clarity they had on life.๐Ÿ˜†๐Ÿ˜‹ 

I NEVER cry at the movies and there i am literally sobbing by the end of the movie. You know, to me, it was a wonderful experience watching it.

Have a great Sunday everyone.

Love, Sahasra.

First day..

Not sure why… but tears are just rolling out of my eyes. Somehow, i just couldn’t stop them. Even crying out loud in the washroom isn’t helping as it does most of the times.
The fact that I’m settling for a new life which is going to be very difficult for me, isn’t letting me be any bit normal. Yesterday, when i was sent off with my husband after the wedding, my dad is the only one who had tears in his eyes. No one else cried. Not even me! While it is true that my dad crying like a baby was a haunting visual that would never leave my memory, me not crying at all was also weird. To be frank, i was too tired for anything. I just wanted to get out of that saree, all that makeup, and get some sleep.
But the next day, when we reached his house and when we were given a house tour, maybe it was then the feeling sunk. That i left my family and entered into this new one, of which i literally new nothing about. The fact that i got married hit me so hard that i ended up with nothing but tears in my eyes.
And they weren’t stopping. He was already worried and started panicking. He wanted to know why to which i had no answer. I missed my home. I missed the comfort and warmth it provided me. I missed my mum, dad and sis really badly. I was dead worried about my future of which i have no confidence at all. How can i ever explain all these feelings and emotions to him.
I just have my aunt with me and she tried her best to comfort me and distract me. It was only when i got into the shower, warm tears ran down my cheeks and i was sobbing like a kid. With all that crying, i was out of breath, was coughing and puking. I never cry in public. I can only cry when I’m alone. And when i do, my sinus throws every bad thing it has and it was no different this time. I don’t even remember when was the last time i cried this bad. It was one of the longest showers of my life. The beautiful house, a seemingly warm family, a caring husband meant nothing in that moment. I wished some magic happened and undid the marriage from my life.
I started writing this post on the very same day when I’m in between this crying phase but couldn’t complete it due to the intensity of those emotions. And i have tears again in my eyes while writing this post. I don’t know the how’s and why’s of these emotions. But they are here and they had a place in my heart. I wonder if any of this mean anything. I equally wonder how everyone else does this. Man, it was damn hard.

Wish me all the luck.
Sahasra

The Year I Met You by Cecilia Ahern

I probably should held out a disclaimer even before writing out my thoughts about the book. It was years ago when i accidentally stumbled across a Cecilia Ahern book only to find it amazing and magical. It was later that i came to know how successful she was as an author. And i have been a fan of her ever since and instantly keep liking her books. So, i may not be fair over here as i am more of an emotional person than the logical one i always struggle or want to be. What i wanted to say was, though not completely, my liking towards her and her books may tend to show up somewhere or the other and impact my opinions. ๐Ÿ™‚

I read the book during January blogathon and that did not leave me enough time to review the book and now, when i tried to remind myself of what i felt while reading the book, my brain came up with nothing. While i was reading the book, it was almost as if, i lived the life of Jasmine, the girl whose story the book was about and yet, i feel an emptiness in my brain when i try to recollect the memories. It was strange as i always felt or had strong and clear opinions about books once i am done reading them. But then, slowly came back all those feelings when i came across certain things or people in my own life. Like the other day, when i was told by someone that i was too close to my family and i never let anyone else come that close. I live far away from them but i never call them everyday. I rarely call and talk to my sister unless there is something that needs to be discussed or needed. But we still know how important we were to each other and my parentsย knew how emotional i was when it was about them. Like Jasmine in the book, i was too close to my sister and was way more protective of her than i was supposed to be. Sometimes, the book made me wonder about the relation between siblings. Why are we so attached to them? Why do we love them unconditionally? Why do we see them in a different light and why do we think that we know them better than the world? Just because we share our parents, house and some part of life, do we have to do all that? Do we have to give and take so much? The magic this relationship has never ceases to surprise me. One moment we were almost on the verge of killing each other and then in the very next moment, there comes this kindness and love that makes you forgive and forget anything that ever happened and sit down for a meal together. The author made me rethink of all those thoughts i have about my relationship with my sister and no wonder i thought i lived her life. No, my sister isn’t suffering from any kind of syndrome or disease but it was the affection, love, trust and unconditional support that made me feel home.ย Apart from the love for her sister, the obsession that she had for success, for work, for helping people create better things and having no life other than work are a few things that most of us see in our everyday lives. This has been a growing culture and until unless some sort of miracle happens, you just cannot stay out of that vicious circle.
I really believe when people say that things happen for a reason and that applies to bad things too. Sometimes disastersย happen just to get us out of the mess we were sitting in. We just fail to see it at that moment and it only sinks in once we give it enough time. Sometimes, being busy with our lives, we think that everything’s going well and it cannot be any better. It is during these times when disaster strikes us to show us how wrong we were and what’s really wrong with the path we followed.
Our life is always a miracle and no matter what happens, we have to live with hope for the future. I really believe in this and this book says it all in a loud and clear voice.
And finally, Cecilia Ahern still has the secured place in my heart. Love her and her books. Look into her books if you find anytime. They are worth it.

This is a cheat post for the missed post yesterday and since I’m too messed up to write anything using my brain, I edited my review post from drafts and here it is.

Take Care people.

Love
Sahasra