One thing that never fails to make me happy…. Music

No matter what my mood is and how my situation is, there is one thing that always make me happy. It makes me stand up and get going. It gives me pleasure no matter what I’m doing. At times, I even feel like no matter how stressful and fearing my work is, with this, i can just conquer it all.

It is Music. Most importantly, Music in my own language. Usually i do not have these feelings of race, caste, creed, region or religion. But when it comes to music, i cannot enjoy music in any other language except Telugu. I do love Hindi songs but it takes some time for the songs to sink in and to be able to enjoy music in English, it requires a lot of effort on my part. I need to see the visual, like it, or read the lyrics, like them, then listen to the song, like the tunes, then compare lyrics to the song, sing along to get familiar with the song and then enjoy. This process takes a lot of time and effort. The same goes with music in any other language, be it Tamil, Malayalam or Korean. They all demand a lot of time and effort for me to be able to enjoy that music.

But with Telugu, it is just different. It flows like natural. Of course it does, it is my Mother Tongue after all. A language I think in. Melody, Fast beat, Lullaby, Musical, the type of the song doesn’t matter as long as the lyrics are meaningful, beautiful and in Telugu. Mostly, I love those songs that remind me of the movie story as they aren’t forcefully added to the movie but flow naturally with the movie’s pace. Such songs remind you of the entire movie making you want to watch it again.

I sometimes wonder if i will ever be able to understand songs or music the way i understand songs in Telugu. No matter how good i am at reading, writing, and speaking Hindi, I will never be able to understand the lyrical nuances like I do in Telugu. I think lyrics and composition are like 2 wheels of a vehicle called song. And when you cannot connect to the depth of the lyrics, there is only so much the score can do. To me, a soulful lyric in Telugu, sung beautifully with decent composition beats any world class composition in any language. This makes me wonder how linguistics actually work. Sure, you can be proficient in a language that isn’t yours. But can you really get to the roots of the language enough to understand and be able to enjoy the lyrics of a song in that language?

I do love the music posts many people do on WordPress. They are like reviews or intros to the songs they like. I should do a movie & music favourites category. Music is such a big part of my life. That too a happy one. I should definitely add it to my happy collection here.

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Melbourne Dairies #1

There are so many times that I started writing about Melbourne and couldn’t finish the post as i get lost in the memories it gave. Today, i atleast want to start this series. These days i keep feeling that I’m dumping all my sadness and pain into this blog but not collecting any of my good memories, the happy ones. If i keep on doing this, one day, when i look back at my blog, all I’m going to get is a recollection of sad memories. I don’t want that and so i made my mind to post atleast one happy post a week. No matter how small or big it is. So, it is a gloomy but happy post today. πŸ˜„ It is raining while i started for office. I have always loved rains. I’m a July born and being in a small town for most of my life, i have never known the ugly side of rains until i came to the city. And then, I started hating rain .. that is until i met them again in Melbourne. Melbourne is a weird city. Before going there, i have read that one can see all 4 seasons in one day. I thought it was a bit exaggerated. But no, Melbourne is that way. It will be all warm and sunny when you wake up and it will be drizzling by the time you leave for office and by lunch it will be windy and by evening the chill comes back. πŸ˜‰ It is like that. And the most important thing is, the weather isn’t harsh over there. And the rains, oh water comes down too sharp unlike the rains here, but the weather becomes all too pleasant when it rains. I just loved it. Watching Fidaa after being drenched in the rain is my most wonderful memory of rain in Melbourne. I think it is an amalgamation of all the things that i loved. I love rains. I love singer Rain. I love Melbourne and i loved the movie. And those long walks in that windy weather and occasional drizzles, they are just too good. I cannot wait to go back. To me, Melbourne is love and peace. At a time in my life when all I had was pain and sadness, was depressed and low, Melbourne gave me love with all the β˜€οΈ sunshine in the world. It gave me the courage to face the world despite how messy my life is. To smile at strangers, to talk to people again, to introspect, to write, to heal, to recover, and to just be myself, it is all Melbourne that helped me. Before 2017, if anyone had told me that cities have life too and that they mean something to people, i would’ve laughed at that dialogue. But now i realise how true it is. I know what it is like. When a place gives you love and hope for future, you will love it back. The live and vibrant Melbourne will always love anyone who loves it back. It is this introvert’s paradise. One day, i will be back in Melbourne, to be there forever. πŸ˜˜πŸ˜πŸ˜Žβ˜ΊοΈπŸ™πŸ˜„.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Decisions of heart β€οΈ

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

Freedom

At this moment in life, if there is something that I desperately want, it is freedom.

Freedom to be what I am. Freedom to just be. Freedom to live without fear. Freedom to be free from these judgemental eyes around me. Freedom from the confined thoughts of my mind. Freedom to develop the courage to look beyond the mess that I am in. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to live my life the way I want to. Freedom to give up on things. Freedom from the shackles that are holding me.

I want the freedom to tell my thoughts fearlessly without having to worry about the impact it would have on my family. Freedom to just shout out how much i hate having him in my life and how much I hated being in this marriage which felt like a jail to me every time. Freedom and courage to just leave this mess and everybody around and just runaway to a faraway place, to a distant lanr where nobody knows me. I want the freedom to dream of a world where my life is my business but not anybody else’s, where i am only answerable to myself but not to anyone else.

God, this is a request from the most deepest places of my heart. Please show me the path to that life. Atleast give me the courage to face this world and tell my truth. Give me the strength to face the consequences. More than me, make my family strong enough to take the blow and still move on in life with or without me. Please dear God, there is nothing else that i wish from you.

Lazy days

There is this weird happiness in being able to be lazy for the whole day when you are not forced to do one thing!

A Saturday when you had a festival holiday on the Friday and you had nothing to do but to enjoy your weekend, is a wonderful Saturday. Waking up lazily at a time you want after a good night sleep and then lazily making coffee and breakfast which by the way is upma that takes little or no effort.

Here i am, sitting in the balcony with Karan Johar’s Autobiography and my breakfast setup. With my little plants happily growing buds and the day light being messed up with these on and off drizzles with a background score of the Chaviti bhajans from the township prayer area is just a little too perfect set up for a lazy Saturday morning.

By the way, I’m reading Karan Johar’s Autobiography, “An Unsuitable Boy”. I don’t know what the title meant, but I’ve just started reading it and i must say it is good. If you are any bit emotional and any bit Indian, you’ll like it. Though I’ve read only prologue and one chapter, i can say that it is well written and well framed. You can just get the tone of a book from the first few pages itself. And ofcourse, any film makers book is interesting as it tells you things about people who are always in the limelight but have a coat of secrecy over them. I guess it is our curiosity that makes these books and movies interesting.

And in all of this, one cute thing happened which reminded me of my own childhood memories. While I was eating my breakfast and parallely reading, there is this little girl from the opposite apartment who observed me for like 5 to 10 minutes while drinking her milk, I assume. It was cute that sh stood over there observing a woman reading in her balcony. It reminded me of those childhood days of mine when we would come back from school or on a Sunday evening when my Mum would be sitting on her chair somewhere in a quiet corner of the house and reading something or anything. Infact, those quiet reading times were what inspired me to read, to fall in love with these amazing things call books. I have grown up watching people read which tells me that no matter how busy you are, you can always make time for a good book as long as your brain is free to take in. To this day, that love for books, that love for reading never left me. Infact that is the only thing I ever loved unconditionally in this entire world. Even though the time i can spare for reading is very less thesr days, i still cannot stop myself from buying books just for the sake of collecting them for the rainy day. Like today πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜‹. I just wish i made her a little bit curious about what I was doing and she takes up a book just out of curiosity. I only know her from this balcony and have seen her observing me while i was doing my quiet reading here. So, I can just wish.

It is also my dream to start a little library somewhere, possibly in the apartment complex i live to just make reading a little bit easy for people and most importantly kids. But I’m still a little bit selfish about my collection and is not yet ready to part with them and i know that the day i start giving our books i should be ready to loose them as well as not every book that goes out comes back. I know this for a fact after looking at library books being held hostage at our home for months if not years. It is not that my mum is stealing them, but it is just that she doesn’t find time to complete all of them and even if she does, she is just too lazy to return them. She returns them whenever she visits the local library but then gets back with a tonne of books again. I cannot tell you how much fine she has paid until now for those late returns! πŸ˜‰πŸ€”.

Okay, here we are at the end of my long weekend rant and the vegetable sellers are here on their usual time. We have this Saturday mini market in our Apartment Complex every week which helps me avoid going to the supermarket every now and then. So convenient. This is one of the things I love about living here.

Okay then, off i go to our vegetable market and bye bye.

This n that

Well, I wanted to keep posting updates regularly so that i stay on course with my list. Though not exactly, but to the maximum possible extent.

The weekend was another waste except for lots of cooking, binge watching and reading. One good thing is that my erratic sleeping hours are a bit under control. I have made​ new rules about food and sleep cycles.

  1. No food after 10pm. If at all I’m too hungry or craving for something, then i can have a fruit or a few grapes.
  2. No coke or caffeine after work hours. Try to limit myself to one coffee a day.
  3. Get back to drinking green tea and atleast one bottle of water per day.
  4. Little or no rice in main courses while adding more veggies and protein. Add soups to dinner menus.
  5. Make mental notes of sugar and salt intake. Regulate and control it.
  6. Finish food in fridge before cooking anything else.
  7. Finish groceries at hand before buying anymore.
  8. Minimal usage of Carol’s resources.
  9. Sleep early and wake up early. I know, this is the toughest of all!
  10. Make proper use of lunch break at office. Maybe, walk for 20 minutes everyday! Do something other than work.

Well, i know I’m making too many lists. But to me, making lists is the most effective way to get back on track. I’m tuned that way. I think most of the tasks on my list are actionable and pretty much reasonable. Let’s see how it goes. It will be good if i atleast suceed doing half of the list. As Don Tillman would say, it is like a Gordian knot where one of these might help me get everything done.

Talking of Don Tillman, i have started reading “The Rosie Effect” by Graeme Simson. The 2nd one in the series after “The Rosie Project” which was one wonderful book. 50 pages into it, i now think i need to revisit Rosie Project again! There seem to be lapses in memory. πŸ˜‹ Memory loss at 27(28 in a month!). Anyways, totally loving Rosie Effect but thinking of keeping it on hold and reading Rosie Project again. I’m not exactly sure where to buy the book but need to search for it. For the love of Don and Rosie, I need to reread it.

Good night ppl. Signing off for the day, Shabba Kher.