I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.
It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.
I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.
Of all the good and great books that I’ve read lately, it is a surprise that a mills and boon book got me to writing this post. Of lately, when I failed terribly at the walking challenge and was depressed … Continue reading →
Sometimes I feel as if someone else is living my life and I’m watching all of this happen from a distance. Strange but I don’t feel like it is me. It feels like some stranger is living my life as it is in some movie.
The me I always knew, wasn’t this talkative and hyperactive.
The one I knew always read books that she bought and bought more only to read but not to store.
The one I knew loved watching movies on the big screen and forgot the whole world for those 3 hours.
This girl never liked shopping and never even thought about window shopping.
Was the one who saved more that she ever spent.
Never cared about how she looked or how the world looked at her.
Loved to fill all of her notebooks and dairies and scribbled every now and then.
Never had control over watching movies and TV shows, especially Korean.
Never gave up her sleep for anything in the world.
No matter what the problem is, I always had the courage to face it and lived with content even if I failed miserably.
To her, happiness meant a lot than goals, objectives, pride, ego and people.
This girl did wonders at work and managed to get everything done and was happy too.
I can just go on like this forever but the truth is I miss that girl too much or should I say that I no more like the girl that I’ve become. With age and time, people mature. But it looks as if I’m moving backwards. I don’t say that every single change that I listed is a bad one but some really are and they make me feel really bad. I get so irritated at the way I do certain things and start wondering what happened to me. It looks like though I don’t expect a lot from others, I expect a lot from me and you know, expectations of any kind hurt.
July is always a special month to me. I generally don’t make a big deal out of my birthday, but that’s one of the reasons why I love July. The second half of the year starts today and may be, this can be a new start to me. I want to do things that I love and take one step towards being the person that I want to be. I am going to post for every single day of the month starting today. Yes, a personal July blogathon is what I’m going to call this.
These days, I’m too tired and sleep is on my eyes ready to occupy my body but my mind doesn’t want to rest. I keep on browsing mindlessly the whole night and then go to bed at sometime around 2 or 3 am and wake up late and cranky. It affects my work, body, health, relations with people, and most importantly, my happiness. I want to change this thing that is the start to a vicious cycle. I want to sleep early and get a minimum of 7-8 hour sleep time to wake up fresh for the day.
Some people always know what they are, what they want to be and how they want their life to be. Things may take the same course or not, but they are sure on what’s next and what to do if that doesn’t work out. Sadly, I am never this kind of person and my guess is that I will never be.
And do I want to be like these people? Yes, I do. For once in my life, I would really want to know what’s in my brain and what I really want to do. I sometimes hate myself for being this confused and indecisive soul. People think I am lazy to do things or I lack motivation and determination. But that’s not the case all the time. It was my confusion that leads me to not do things and leave certain things half-way. I know nothing good comes out of it, but I cannot help but be that way. I envy people who have this clarity in and about life. Sometimes, I even wish I was them.
And now, Life has thrown me into a place where I have no option but to follow some definite path. It’s not like this is the first time I’m facing a situation like this, I have passed through such tests before but this time, I am at crossroads with a really difficult choice waiting at the end, for me to move across and join. I hate to call it that, but this is one important moment of my life over which I have little or no control. I cannot blame anyone for this as it is me alone who caused this. My indecisiveness, confusion and lack of clarity lead to this situation.
God, For once, will you tell me where my heart wants me to go? I often think if thereb is any sure shot way to find it out!
Love one another, but make not a bond of love:
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.
Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup.
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
For what it’s worth… it’s never too late, or in my case too early, to be whatever you want to be.
There’s no time limit. Start whenever you want. You can change or stay the same. There are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things that you felt never before. I hope you meet people who have a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of, and if you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.
Life is always a choice. Every single thing that happens in our life is a result of some choice we make.
The statement here is, “he is very dreamy, But remember, he’s not the sun, you are.”
To me, i know who my mcdreamy is and that isn’t everything. Once, I choose not to get taken over by that Mcdreamy and moved on in life. I just don’t know how I placed myself in a bigger mess again. To me, my life is everything. I realised today that I can never accept anyone or anything unless I really think I am ready. I am going to stand up against the whole world but I will never do something I regret again just because I have some sense of responsibility or whatever. I am so not going to care. I have done enough and no more will this go on. I am so not going to care about people who had no care or concern towards me or my feelings. People think they are doing me favours by trying to find a groom for me. But what they don’t get is that they are just ruining my life by trying to fix a problem that doesn’t exist. And I hate them for doing that.
I cannot change these people or society but I can change or at least take control of my life. I cannot let someone else take the decisions of my life. The decisions of my life has to be my choices and they will be. The decision I took today is the first step towards a life filled with my choices.
And there is something funny about the decision I made today. Wanna know? Read further.
Everyone likes the guy but I don’t.
My reasons are that I didn’t find him attractive at all. He just didn’t think it is important for us to talk before deciding. He didn’t even think if I would want to talk to him or not? And later, after a lot of pressure from the family, he agrees to talk. But what happens for real is, He just couldn’t talk at all. I had to ask him everything. It was as if I’m interviewing him. I didn’t want to take any chances. I couldn’t even feel a thing for him. And so I say not to go further. I didn’t want them to have any hopes. So I clearly said no.
You know what the reaction was? 🙂
It seemed as if the girl loves someone else. She just doesn’t look interested.
I felt disgusted. I allowed you all to do this to me. I am not even sure if can survive an arranged marriage. Why the hell did I set myself up for this. I am an idiot for doing that. I wish I wasn’t the coward that I am. I wish I wasn’t the hypocrite that I am. I wish I live in a place where I get to make the choices of my life and don’t have to fight for that.
For now, I just am glad that I am going to try to be that person I want to be and that I didn’t choose to follow the easy path but choose the tough one. The less travelled one. 🙂
Bye for now.