It feels so heavy

It feels as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Until a few minutes back it felt all okay.. i was infact so proud of myself that I’m managing everything on my own and maybe onr day i will even be able to get out of this misery.

But when I’m done with my first shift and the daily chores and finally got a minute to sit down, it hit me again. The fear, the feeling of the world on my shoulders, the heaviness, the pressure on my nerves, it all hit me again hard. The fact that I’m not going anywhere with this life, the fact that leaving my brain idle for a minute is dangerous to my being, the fact that there is no one in this world that i can turn to for help, the fact that i really am all alone, is all too frightening and painful.

I want to call dad and tell him that i made a mistake choosing this guy and that we are in no way compatible with each other and it is making me miserable enough to feel like dying every minute. But i cannot as he will panic if i say all that. He might even die with the kind of poor health he is in. More than that, he says that i shouldn’t be the one who asks for divorce. He wants me to be politically correct. His words prove me agaia and again how men care more about their social status than anything. I just want to know how he would feel if I commit suicide. Will he be happy? Ofcourse no, it would kill him and ruin my family for life. But then why don’t they understand how tough it is for me to live this lie? Damn, couldn’t these tears be sweet in taste! I must say here, i feel that my dad is more worried about my sister’s future if i end up divorced with an invalid reason. And more than that, he feels that he is a failure for not earning enough to sort our lives despite what we do! He is becoming more and more paranoid everyday with the kind of mental pressure I’m giving them. I wish there’s a magic wand to fix it all.

My Mum seems to be the one who is more sorted here. She is atleast not showing it. Maybe that is more harmful to her health. Damn Cancer, i wish you didn’t enter her life. If not for you, she would be there, standing like a wall, ready to pick the pieces after i break their hearts and wreck their lives with my death.

I want to wake this sleeping husband of mine and tell him that i made a mistake marrying him and that we are not meant for each other and that living this life is making me go crazy, driving me deepeer and deeper into depression. And that i need his help. And that i need him to initiate divorce if he wants out. And if not, then i atleast need him to be responsible and take some load off me and make my life a little easier even if it is just temporary.

God, i wish there is some machine that can convey your mind without having to talk.

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Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

Marriage – Things that led to it #1

What was i thinking when i agreed to get married to you?

It was right after a tough setback in my career. I was really dejected and losing hope. So i thought, screw you my dear career, let’s concentrate on personal life. But now that i recall, did i ever leave my work to what it is? It is my life, my bread and butter. I can never ignore or escape it even if I wanted to. Sadly, i made it my identity and it still is.

That was when i got to meet you. I was really hopeful. But the scars from the previous experiences were still there. I met you at the mall and we spoke for about 2 hours. Maybe, it is the way you spoke, the confident tone or so i assumed, kept the conversation going. I was happy that i was able to talk to you, have a conversation with you, share my mind with you. I perhaps mistook my professionally developed skills to a change in my attitude and told you that I’m an introvert but have been developing social skills.

But that isn’t the only thing I misunderstood that day. I thought you were confident but i should have come to that conclusion after a couple more meets. Talking is a skill you have. You know what to talk when. You know how to say all the right words at the right time. You grasp the situation and pull out the words the other person wants to hear from you. What i thought of as confidence and clarity are all actually a part of your talkativeness. All you needed was an open mind to listen and i was there to do just that. Like an idiot, I thought it was all magical. Since you have been living outside your home since school, i assumed you would develop an independent thought process just like i did and so would understand my need for freedom, emotional bonding and choice. I was wrong. You never lived on your own. You were born in a very old fashioned family and is raised by a very orthodox set of grand parents. That is exactly how your thought process developed. Typical and Orthodox but with very sharp financial awareness. You knew what kind of partner you needed to move ahead in life. To the external eye, I always fit all the parameters.

After meeting you, i should’ve taken enough time to think and decide. I should’ve atleast asked to meet you a few more times. But no, like an idiot, i said let’s meet the parents. I was still under the impression that we’ll meet each others parents and then decide. But the setting that day seemed like it was all decided already. I was a little bit shocked and confused as it stuck me that i will have to live with the in-laws but then, i really liked your family. Against my better judgement and brain, I thought I will be able to get along well.

The grave mistake i did that day was to think like this, “Arranged marriage is working well for everyone around me. Why wouldn’t it work for me? I anyways need someone to rely on emotionally. And if we can talk and be good friends, we might make a life out of it. It is going to work.” I was an idiot to think that way. Just because it worked for everyone, doesn’t mean it should work for me. I’m not everyone. I’m not the all compromising, carefree, and adjusting girl with simple thoughts. I’m never simple nor normal. I’m always the opposite of it. I’m always Complex. I’m always complicated and due to the conflict with the environment around me, i was always confused about my identity and thoughts. I adjusted about a lot of things but never about self-respect and freedom. I always had issues talking to people. I always felt uncomfortable while socializing. Things like that were never my cup of tea. I talk a lot but not with everyone. I do that only with my confidantes. The only best friends i have are from college and it took me half a decade to be a shameless friend with them. To this day, there are things that I do not confide in them. In this short life of 25 years, qqthere is no person in this entire world that i didn’t have secrets with. I’m very hard to understand and ten times harder to be friends with and almost impossible to be loved. If this is all one side to it, it is tenfold difficult for me to trust, be friends with and be able to love someone. To this day, I don’t think I have ever loved anyone else except my parents and my sister. And this me, thought marriage, that too arranged, and again living with the in-laws would work for me. This is my stupidity at my peaks.

What made me meet you? I was never interested in getting married because I always feared that nobody would be able to understand me and I will not be able to love anyone. But the pressure to get married was huge. Huge is actually a very small word for the amount of pressure I was under. There were times when I thought it was nothing but emotional blackmail. But to be fair to everyone around me, at the end, i was convinced that i needed someone to rely on emotionally, someone to share my brain and life with. At the end, I was convinced, which made me think that if it is working for everyone around me, it would work for me too. But somewhere deep down, i always knew, it will be almost impossible for me to accept anyone openheartedly. I don’t know why, but i always thought that I’m too selfish to be that accepting of anyone and selfless love isn’t my cup of tea.

And I still went ahead and decided to get married to you. That was how it all started.

Melbourne Dairies #1

There are so many times that I started writing about Melbourne and couldn’t finish the post as i get lost in the memories it gave. Today, i atleast want to start this series. These days i keep feeling that I’m dumping all my sadness and pain into this blog but not collecting any of my good memories, the happy ones. If i keep on doing this, one day, when i look back at my blog, all I’m going to get is a recollection of sad memories. I don’t want that and so i made my mind to post atleast one happy post a week. No matter how small or big it is. So, it is a gloomy but happy post today. πŸ˜„ It is raining while i started for office. I have always loved rains. I’m a July born and being in a small town for most of my life, i have never known the ugly side of rains until i came to the city. And then, I started hating rain .. that is until i met them again in Melbourne. Melbourne is a weird city. Before going there, i have read that one can see all 4 seasons in one day. I thought it was a bit exaggerated. But no, Melbourne is that way. It will be all warm and sunny when you wake up and it will be drizzling by the time you leave for office and by lunch it will be windy and by evening the chill comes back. πŸ˜‰ It is like that. And the most important thing is, the weather isn’t harsh over there. And the rains, oh water comes down too sharp unlike the rains here, but the weather becomes all too pleasant when it rains. I just loved it. Watching Fidaa after being drenched in the rain is my most wonderful memory of rain in Melbourne. I think it is an amalgamation of all the things that i loved. I love rains. I love singer Rain. I love Melbourne and i loved the movie. And those long walks in that windy weather and occasional drizzles, they are just too good. I cannot wait to go back. To me, Melbourne is love and peace. At a time in my life when all I had was pain and sadness, was depressed and low, Melbourne gave me love with all the β˜€οΈ sunshine in the world. It gave me the courage to face the world despite how messy my life is. To smile at strangers, to talk to people again, to introspect, to write, to heal, to recover, and to just be myself, it is all Melbourne that helped me. Before 2017, if anyone had told me that cities have life too and that they mean something to people, i would’ve laughed at that dialogue. But now i realise how true it is. I know what it is like. When a place gives you love and hope for future, you will love it back. The live and vibrant Melbourne will always love anyone who loves it back. It is this introvert’s paradise. One day, i will be back in Melbourne, to be there forever. πŸ˜˜πŸ˜πŸ˜Žβ˜ΊοΈπŸ™πŸ˜„.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Decisions of heart β€οΈ

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

Freedom

At this moment in life, if there is something that I desperately want, it is freedom.

Freedom to be what I am. Freedom to just be. Freedom to live without fear. Freedom to be free from these judgemental eyes around me. Freedom from the confined thoughts of my mind. Freedom to develop the courage to look beyond the mess that I am in. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to live my life the way I want to. Freedom to give up on things. Freedom from the shackles that are holding me.

I want the freedom to tell my thoughts fearlessly without having to worry about the impact it would have on my family. Freedom to just shout out how much i hate having him in my life and how much I hated being in this marriage which felt like a jail to me every time. Freedom and courage to just leave this mess and everybody around and just runaway to a faraway place, to a distant lanr where nobody knows me. I want the freedom to dream of a world where my life is my business but not anybody else’s, where i am only answerable to myself but not to anyone else.

God, this is a request from the most deepest places of my heart. Please show me the path to that life. Atleast give me the courage to face this world and tell my truth. Give me the strength to face the consequences. More than me, make my family strong enough to take the blow and still move on in life with or without me. Please dear God, there is nothing else that i wish from you.