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A few questions and a lot of answers.

I’m a confused soul and have always been. I overthink a lot and get into panic mode very often. The most common thing that I would do on a regular workday is to work for a few hours and then google something and wind up in a rabbit-hole of articles or encyclopedias of information or blogs. I do feel guilty for wasting time at work but just can’t help it as I’ve always been the type to get distracted by the smallest of things. My mind just cannot concentrate on one thing at a time or worse one thing for long. So, I keep losing my train of thoughts most often and keep jumping into one thought from another. So in all that jumping and hopping, I ended up reading answers on Quora and found this as an answer to respecting spouses. The Quoran who answered this intended this to be a questionnaire to see at what level the seeker is at in their relationship.

I just thought, with all my confusing thoughts and feelings, I should answer it for myself.

• Do you respect each other?

• I respect him as a human being and so does he but the kind of respect that exists between a wife and a husband didn’t exist. My POV is that I couldn’t respect someone who failed to treat me as his equal. I know that he is not being that way on purpose but he is wired that way. In his brain it is okay for men to be superior to women as that’s all he has seen his entire life and he is okay with that status quo while I’m not.

• Do you find each other physically attractive or repulsive?

• In my short lived marriage, I was talked into a physical relationship when I wasn’t mentally ready for it. I know I was equally deserving of blame as I put my physcial interest over my mental status. Even though we had a few good moments in between, my self guilt and a weird hatred for him started popping up. That made any minor issue a major deal breaker to me. His extensive sweating, body odour issues, bathroom habits, living habits etc contributed to me being physically repulsive to him.

• Do you care for each other?

• By the time we spoke about divorce, I lost all sense of empathy for him and looking at his behaviour, I think it is the same case with him too.

• Are your expectations compatible?

• No. He is too ambitious while I limit my ambition just enough to be comfortable and secure in life. I value quiet, serene life while he is a nervous, insecure splash. The biggest misunderstanding between us is about your expectations from life. I seem ambitious on the cover but not in reality. I just am too independent and opinionated which came across as ambition to him.

• Do you flirt with each other?

• Maybe, a couple of times in the early days of marriage, but not more than that. I became too guarded and hurt his ego one too many times for him to initiate flirting. And any harshness from him resulted in me shutting down completely.

• Do you spend quality time together?

• Our quality times are filled with ego matches and pissing contests that rarely resulted in affection.

• Do you share hobbies or like the same kind of activities?

• We are poles apart and rarely had anything in common. More over, the one thing we had in common was movies and as time passed, I hated doing anything with him and ended up not watching a movie in 6 months of living together.

• Find out what it is that would make you feel loved. Talk about it. Stay positive.

• In retrospect, I think the biggest problem between us is that I couldn’t get myself to love him for what he is. I know many who would say, you need to respect and love your husband since you choose to be in this marriage all by yourself. Well, I agree that it is my choice. But it is an ill-informed choice made in a day, which was a terrible lapse of judgement on my part. I just couldn’t get myself to accept the man he is and it made me terribly unhappy, guilty and depressed. So trust me when I say, when a person is depressed, unhappy, guilt-ridden, pushed into a corner and sick, there is no scope to retain any positivity into that life unless the whole situation changes. I was suicidal, rude, arrogant, sick and one hell of a crack when I was in that phase. I cannot tell you how many horrible thoughts crossed my head during that period. I was a horrible human being, I knew of the monster i’ve turned into and was lost on a collision course, and the more I tried, the more I went deeper into that abyss and I just couldn’t get back to being myself.

• You may never ‘fall in love’, but perhaps you will find that your husband is lovable, and start loving him, and he may start loving you, as you dream about it.

• I cannot tell you how many people told me this. But neither of us are patient enough for us to love each other the way we deserved.

If there is anything my broken marriage has ever taught me, it is one thing. Never underestimate the power of human heart and brain. The depths that they can show you, are just amazing and equally scary. I was in my own mental abyss and my body started decaying one piece at a time.

The only decision of my life that is completely mine, is to get a divorce. It was such a pain in the heart, it hurt our families like hell, it was a torment to everyone involved, but ultimately it was my decision about my life. Look at me now, my physical issues can be scaled 90, were now at some 30 and mentally, I was at peace. I still have anxiety attacks, go into panic modes and turn suicidal once in a while. But that’s not the constant in my life as it used to be. Today, my constant is that I’m not working as efficiently as I should and how I should be improving that. The pain, the struggle is no longer that intense.

I’m sure one day, I will find myself again. Laugh in the rain again and love someone as much as I love myself.

Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

Melbourne Dairies #1

There are so many times that I started writing about Melbourne and couldn’t finish the post as i get lost in the memories it gave. Today, i atleast want to start this series. These days i keep feeling that I’m dumping all my sadness and pain into this blog but not collecting any of my good memories, the happy ones. If i keep on doing this, one day, when i look back at my blog, all I’m going to get is a recollection of sad memories. I don’t want that and so i made my mind to post atleast one happy post a week. No matter how small or big it is. So, it is a gloomy but happy post today. 😄 It is raining while i started for office. I have always loved rains. I’m a July born and being in a small town for most of my life, i have never known the ugly side of rains until i came to the city. And then, I started hating rain .. that is until i met them again in Melbourne. Melbourne is a weird city. Before going there, i have read that one can see all 4 seasons in one day. I thought it was a bit exaggerated. But no, Melbourne is that way. It will be all warm and sunny when you wake up and it will be drizzling by the time you leave for office and by lunch it will be windy and by evening the chill comes back. 😉 It is like that. And the most important thing is, the weather isn’t harsh over there. And the rains, oh water comes down too sharp unlike the rains here, but the weather becomes all too pleasant when it rains. I just loved it. Watching Fidaa after being drenched in the rain is my most wonderful memory of rain in Melbourne. I think it is an amalgamation of all the things that i loved. I love rains. I love singer Rain. I love Melbourne and i loved the movie. And those long walks in that windy weather and occasional drizzles, they are just too good. I cannot wait to go back. To me, Melbourne is love and peace. At a time in my life when all I had was pain and sadness, was depressed and low, Melbourne gave me love with all the ☀️ sunshine in the world. It gave me the courage to face the world despite how messy my life is. To smile at strangers, to talk to people again, to introspect, to write, to heal, to recover, and to just be myself, it is all Melbourne that helped me. Before 2017, if anyone had told me that cities have life too and that they mean something to people, i would’ve laughed at that dialogue. But now i realise how true it is. I know what it is like. When a place gives you love and hope for future, you will love it back. The live and vibrant Melbourne will always love anyone who loves it back. It is this introvert’s paradise. One day, i will be back in Melbourne, to be there forever. 😘😍😎☺️🙏😄.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Why do we stare?

Well, that’s one wonderful question that never fails to bring a smile on my face. But it is true that we Indians stare and foreigners get a lot of it.
The last time I checked, we are the 2nd populous country in the world and as if we have any less number of faces to look at, we stare at foreigners. You might wonder why this question amuses me?
It amuses me because I was the same and I used to stare at foreigners. The strange thing is I never knew I was staring or doing something that is really uncomfortable to others. I’m not sure how I missed that basic point. It was only when one of our Aussie consultants asked me the question that I realised what it was. We were chatting and she asked me very casually, “Many people over here stare a lot at me. Do I look that strange? or am I doing something wrong?”
For a second, I have no answer as it suddenly dawned upon me that I do the same. I smiled at her and gave the most sincere answer that I could give. “I’m sorry you felt that way but we don’t mean anything wrong. The reason might be that you all look so exotic to us that we want to know you. Since we cannot come and talk, we stare. And one more reason is that we were never taught that it is wrong to stare at others.”
That was the first time I accompanied a foreign colleague. Since then, I’ve been asked this question by other colleagues a few more times that this thing just registered strong in mind.
This morning when a couple of my colleagues told me that they were coming for some official work and asked me what to expect, this is the first thing that came into my mind. And I was prompted to write this up when I spotted a group of foreigners on the road and every single person around them are staring at them. While the view was funny to me, I knew how uncomfortable it must be for them. Then, it struck to me that maybe not everybody is staring. Some might be in deep thought and are just looking in that direction when these guys passed by. That’s a rare case but happens a lot with people like me who think a bit too much.
I guess it isn’t just with Indians, even I experienced the same thing when I was abroad. When I’m dressed in Indian attires, I was often stared at and I used to wonder if there’s something wrong with me or my dress. 🙂 Now it all seems like one funny joke. After a few explanations from my other colleagues, I learnt to enjoy the attention and when it is too uncomfortable, I learnt to ignore. I guess this is what foreigners in India must do too. 🙂
Okay, I know a lot of rambling, but had to pull all of these out of the system and so here!.. Bye then.

Love
Sahasra

A conversation from “Castle”

I swear i wasn’t going to post this today, but when i came across this conversation while watching the first season of Castle, the TV Series, i knew I had to post it here. You have to read it to find out what prompted me to take up the painful task of writing all the dialogue.
For those who aren’t familiar with the characters of Castle, Castle is the male lead and Alexis is his 15 year old teenage daughter and Martha is his Mum aka Grandmother to Alexis.

Scene : Alexis trying out different dresses for prom.
Alexis : (Sighs) what do you think?
Castle : You look beautiful.
Alexis : Dad you say that about every dress. Don’t you think that this dress makes my skin look pasty?
Castle : Sweetheart, I want you to know, No matter how you think you look, you are perfect exactly the way you are.
Alexis : You’re not helping!.
Martha comes in holding another dress.
Martha : Oh, God no. Hideous!.
Alexis : Thank you! 🙂
Martha : Here, Try this. You know what, Good colour for you. (Sighs)
Alexis goes in to try that other dress.
Castle : What are you doing?
Martha : What?
Castle : You look hideous!. Are you trying to give her body image issues?
Martha : Oh, News flash! She already has body image issues. Said in tunes with being a woman. Every woman in the world, has some part of herself that she absolutely hates. Her hands are too small, her feet is too big, her hair is too straight, too curly, her ears stick out, oh, god, her butt is too flat, nose is too big, and you know, nothing you can say would change how we feel. What men don’t understand is the right clothes, the right shoes, the right make up, just it hides the flaws we think we have and make us look beautiful to ourselves. That’s what make us look beautiful to others. 🙂
Castle : (Long pause and thought later) Used to be, all she need to feel beautiful was a pink tutu and a plastic tiara.
Martha : We spend our whole lives trying to feel that again.
Alexis comes out wearing the other dress and both of them(Dad & Gran) are in awe.

Now, tell me. Did you like the conversation? On any normal day, i would talk endlessly about the conversation and all about how i felt and how much i loved it which obviously is the reason why i badly wanted to share it here so that it doesn’t get lost somewhere in my memory line. But today, I’m not going to do any talking. I just want to feel the beauty and sweetness in the conversation and think how true Martha’s words are. I do think she is right. What do you think? Do you like the conversation especially Martha’s words at the end? How did you feel? Do let me know. 🙂 By the way, i created that cool collage. Cool or not, I had so much time at hand and lots of Castle pics on Google! 🙂

Hope you all are doing great. Happy Friday and good bye for now. 🙂

Love
Sahasra