Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

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Marriage – Once I agreed #2

Once i agreed to get married, things moved real fast. I wanted to take it slow but I guess I’m not that strong to say No to things that i didn’t believe in. We met in December and engagement was planned to be in the 2nd week of February and Marriage on the 4th week of February. There is exactly 1 month and 15 days in between. It was not an easy time.

I had an experience before, i got engaged to this guy, but after engagement, the guy’s parents started asking for property transfer in my name even before marriage. When my Mum strongly said no to them, they broke it off. I have been talking to the guy almost every day and then suddenly there’s no communication. The guy didn’t even bother telling me about the broken engagement. I was informed by my parents. I was scarred from that rejection. I somehow forgot to open up to people. I couldn’t trust anyone again. I think this rejection is also a reason behind me agreeing to get married. Within 3 months, i was ready to get married again? Something’s definitely wrong with me. I wonder where all my ‘Akal’ went to!

But more than agreeing to get married, it is how I behaved after agreeing, that had the most impact on us. For the fear of letting someone know me again, for the fear of letting someone walkover me all again, I was hesitant and reluctant to talk to you or to get to know you.

And your attitude made me more shielded. It never let me down my guard. You were critical of everything and anything about me. In the very few times we met, you had issues about my eyes, my body weight and the way I dress. Once, i even dared to ask you, on why you wanted to get married to me when you have so many problems with me, and you said, it wasn’t you but your family who had problems and you were just telling me. I clearly knew back then that it must have been your family who have raised those issues but it was you who had problems with those aspects of me and you wanted me to change, hide and be presentable in a way you like me to be. Every comment and joke you cracked about my weight still hurts.

I now realise that it was a blatant disregard for whatever I am and my being. It was you trying to impose what you thought was correct for me and about me. I was always afraid of losing myself and my identity to someone who is manipulative in every word they say. I was always scared to give such control over me to anyone. I did not realise that it is how you act, that is who you are, until very much later. It feels as if everything you do is to showcase something to the world. You wanted to get married to me because it elevates your financial and social status. To you, I’m someone who earns well and is beautiful except some weight issues which you thought you can control.

I was a fool. I never really understood the importance of physical attraction. All i thought was, if we can talk our hearts out, we can be friends. And once there is friendship, there will be an emotional connect which will help me with the physical attraction as well. I was wrong in underestimating the power of being attracted physically. I never considered how you looked or how i felt about your looks. I should have. I now realise that, in tough times, in rocky times, it is physical attraction that saves a relationship. But I was also right about the emotional bond. No talking is equal to no friendship and no friendship is equal to no bonding of any kind.

I still don’t think I can blame you. Like i had my issues, you must have had yours and your thought process is different and so are your priorities. What was you trying to control me was a natural course of thing to you. To you, a girl is someone for whom you decide things and make decisions for. A man is supposed to be respected and a woman, to be controlled. What meant a lot to me, may have meant nothing to you. And with us being so different from each other, i couldn’t even explain you in a way you would understand without getting hurt. What i thought as a one time thing became a recurring thing throughout our marriage. This is the unexpected part.

Whatever happened before marriage did not let us form any kind of bond, physical or emotional whatsoever and we are already getting married. I couldn’t even call you my friend and yet i was getting married to you. I still didn’t have any feelings for you. I felt more than this for a crush in high school. I have so many mixed feelings by the time we got married. I wasn’t any bit excited. I always had mood swings and the process of marriage is itself a tiring affair with so much pressure on the girl’s side that it did not help at all. This is how, at the end, i got married to you without me even dropping a single tear at the parting ceremony. What was supposed to be the most important and emotional thing, just became a ritual that we need to get over with.

And when those Tears really came to me, it became a post. This is the worst thing about my life. Everything sad becomes a blog post and everything happy, becomes a memory that i might forget forever!

Marriage – Things that led to it #1

What was i thinking when i agreed to get married to you?

It was right after a tough setback in my career. I was really dejected and losing hope. So i thought, screw you my dear career, let’s concentrate on personal life. But now that i recall, did i ever leave my work to what it is? It is my life, my bread and butter. I can never ignore or escape it even if I wanted to. Sadly, i made it my identity and it still is.

That was when i got to meet you. I was really hopeful. But the scars from the previous experiences were still there. I met you at the mall and we spoke for about 2 hours. Maybe, it is the way you spoke, the confident tone or so i assumed, kept the conversation going. I was happy that i was able to talk to you, have a conversation with you, share my mind with you. I perhaps mistook my professionally developed skills to a change in my attitude and told you that I’m an introvert but have been developing social skills.

But that isn’t the only thing I misunderstood that day. I thought you were confident but i should have come to that conclusion after a couple more meets. Talking is a skill you have. You know what to talk when. You know how to say all the right words at the right time. You grasp the situation and pull out the words the other person wants to hear from you. What i thought of as confidence and clarity are all actually a part of your talkativeness. All you needed was an open mind to listen and i was there to do just that. Like an idiot, I thought it was all magical. Since you have been living outside your home since school, i assumed you would develop an independent thought process just like i did and so would understand my need for freedom, emotional bonding and choice. I was wrong. You never lived on your own. You were born in a very old fashioned family and is raised by a very orthodox set of grand parents. That is exactly how your thought process developed. Typical and Orthodox but with very sharp financial awareness. You knew what kind of partner you needed to move ahead in life. To the external eye, I always fit all the parameters.

After meeting you, i should’ve taken enough time to think and decide. I should’ve atleast asked to meet you a few more times. But no, like an idiot, i said let’s meet the parents. I was still under the impression that we’ll meet each others parents and then decide. But the setting that day seemed like it was all decided already. I was a little bit shocked and confused as it stuck me that i will have to live with the in-laws but then, i really liked your family. Against my better judgement and brain, I thought I will be able to get along well.

The grave mistake i did that day was to think like this, “Arranged marriage is working well for everyone around me. Why wouldn’t it work for me? I anyways need someone to rely on emotionally. And if we can talk and be good friends, we might make a life out of it. It is going to work.” I was an idiot to think that way. Just because it worked for everyone, doesn’t mean it should work for me. I’m not everyone. I’m not the all compromising, carefree, and adjusting girl with simple thoughts. I’m never simple nor normal. I’m always the opposite of it. I’m always Complex. I’m always complicated and due to the conflict with the environment around me, i was always confused about my identity and thoughts. I adjusted about a lot of things but never about self-respect and freedom. I always had issues talking to people. I always felt uncomfortable while socializing. Things like that were never my cup of tea. I talk a lot but not with everyone. I do that only with my confidantes. The only best friends i have are from college and it took me half a decade to be a shameless friend with them. To this day, there are things that I do not confide in them. In this short life of 25 years, qqthere is no person in this entire world that i didn’t have secrets with. I’m very hard to understand and ten times harder to be friends with and almost impossible to be loved. If this is all one side to it, it is tenfold difficult for me to trust, be friends with and be able to love someone. To this day, I don’t think I have ever loved anyone else except my parents and my sister. And this me, thought marriage, that too arranged, and again living with the in-laws would work for me. This is my stupidity at my peaks.

What made me meet you? I was never interested in getting married because I always feared that nobody would be able to understand me and I will not be able to love anyone. But the pressure to get married was huge. Huge is actually a very small word for the amount of pressure I was under. There were times when I thought it was nothing but emotional blackmail. But to be fair to everyone around me, at the end, i was convinced that i needed someone to rely on emotionally, someone to share my brain and life with. At the end, I was convinced, which made me think that if it is working for everyone around me, it would work for me too. But somewhere deep down, i always knew, it will be almost impossible for me to accept anyone openheartedly. I don’t know why, but i always thought that I’m too selfish to be that accepting of anyone and selfless love isn’t my cup of tea.

And I still went ahead and decided to get married to you. That was how it all started.

Melbourne Dairies #1

There are so many times that I started writing about Melbourne and couldn’t finish the post as i get lost in the memories it gave. Today, i atleast want to start this series. These days i keep feeling that I’m dumping all my sadness and pain into this blog but not collecting any of my good memories, the happy ones. If i keep on doing this, one day, when i look back at my blog, all I’m going to get is a recollection of sad memories. I don’t want that and so i made my mind to post atleast one happy post a week. No matter how small or big it is. So, it is a gloomy but happy post today. πŸ˜„ It is raining while i started for office. I have always loved rains. I’m a July born and being in a small town for most of my life, i have never known the ugly side of rains until i came to the city. And then, I started hating rain .. that is until i met them again in Melbourne. Melbourne is a weird city. Before going there, i have read that one can see all 4 seasons in one day. I thought it was a bit exaggerated. But no, Melbourne is that way. It will be all warm and sunny when you wake up and it will be drizzling by the time you leave for office and by lunch it will be windy and by evening the chill comes back. πŸ˜‰ It is like that. And the most important thing is, the weather isn’t harsh over there. And the rains, oh water comes down too sharp unlike the rains here, but the weather becomes all too pleasant when it rains. I just loved it. Watching Fidaa after being drenched in the rain is my most wonderful memory of rain in Melbourne. I think it is an amalgamation of all the things that i loved. I love rains. I love singer Rain. I love Melbourne and i loved the movie. And those long walks in that windy weather and occasional drizzles, they are just too good. I cannot wait to go back. To me, Melbourne is love and peace. At a time in my life when all I had was pain and sadness, was depressed and low, Melbourne gave me love with all the β˜€οΈ sunshine in the world. It gave me the courage to face the world despite how messy my life is. To smile at strangers, to talk to people again, to introspect, to write, to heal, to recover, and to just be myself, it is all Melbourne that helped me. Before 2017, if anyone had told me that cities have life too and that they mean something to people, i would’ve laughed at that dialogue. But now i realise how true it is. I know what it is like. When a place gives you love and hope for future, you will love it back. The live and vibrant Melbourne will always love anyone who loves it back. It is this introvert’s paradise. One day, i will be back in Melbourne, to be there forever. πŸ˜˜πŸ˜πŸ˜Žβ˜ΊοΈπŸ™πŸ˜„.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Why do we stare?

Well, that’s one wonderful question that never fails to bring a smile on my face. But it is true that we Indians stare and foreigners get a lot of it.
The last time I checked, we are the 2nd populous country in the world and as if we have any less number of faces to look at, we stare at foreigners. You might wonder why this question amuses me?
It amuses me because I was the same and I used to stare at foreigners. The strange thing is I never knew I was staring or doing something that is really uncomfortable to others. I’m not sure how I missed that basic point. It was only when one of our Aussie consultants asked me the question that I realised what it was. We were chatting and she asked me very casually, “Many people over here stare a lot at me. Do I look that strange? or am I doing something wrong?”
For a second, I have no answer as it suddenly dawned upon me that I do the same. I smiled at her and gave the most sincere answer that I could give. “I’m sorry you felt that way but we don’t mean anything wrong. The reason might be that you all look so exotic to us that we want to know you. Since we cannot come and talk, we stare. And one more reason is that we were never taught that it is wrong to stare at others.”
That was the first time I accompanied a foreign colleague. Since then, I’ve been asked this question by other colleagues a few more times that this thing just registered strong in mind.
This morning when a couple of my colleagues told me that they were coming for some official work and asked me what to expect, this is the first thing that came into my mind. And I was prompted to write this up when I spotted a group of foreigners on the road and every single person around them are staring at them. While the view was funny to me, I knew how uncomfortable it must be for them. Then, it struck to me that maybe not everybody is staring. Some might be in deep thought and are just looking in that direction when these guys passed by. That’s a rare case but happens a lot with people like me who think a bit too much.
I guess it isn’t just with Indians, even I experienced the same thing when I was abroad. When I’m dressed in Indian attires, I was often stared at and I used to wonder if there’s something wrong with me or my dress. πŸ™‚ Now it all seems like one funny joke. After a few explanations from my other colleagues, I learnt to enjoy the attention and when it is too uncomfortable, I learnt to ignore. I guess this is what foreigners in India must do too. πŸ™‚
Okay, I know a lot of rambling, but had to pull all of these out of the system and so here!.. Bye then.

Love
Sahasra