Once i agreed to get married, things moved real fast. I wanted to take it slow but I guess I’m not that strong to say No to things that i didn’t believe in. We met in December and engagement was planned to be in the 2nd week of February and Marriage on the 4th week of February. There is exactly 1 month and 15 days in between. It was not an easy time.
I had an experience before, i got engaged to this guy, but after engagement, the guy’s parents started asking for property transfer in my name even before marriage. When my Mum strongly said no to them, they broke it off. I have been talking to the guy almost every day and then suddenly there’s no communication. The guy didn’t even bother telling me about the broken engagement. I was informed by my parents. I was scarred from that rejection. I somehow forgot to open up to people. I couldn’t trust anyone again. I think this rejection is also a reason behind me agreeing to get married. Within 3 months, i was ready to get married again? Something’s definitely wrong with me. I wonder where all my ‘Akal’ went to!
But more than agreeing to get married, it is how I behaved after agreeing, that had the most impact on us. For the fear of letting someone know me again, for the fear of letting someone walkover me all again, I was hesitant and reluctant to talk to you or to get to know you.
And your attitude made me more shielded. It never let me down my guard. You were critical of everything and anything about me. In the very few times we met, you had issues about my eyes, my body weight and the way I dress. Once, i even dared to ask you, on why you wanted to get married to me when you have so many problems with me, and you said, it wasn’t you but your family who had problems and you were just telling me. I clearly knew back then that it must have been your family who have raised those issues but it was you who had problems with those aspects of me and you wanted me to change, hide and be presentable in a way you like me to be. Every comment and joke you cracked about my weight still hurts.
I now realise that it was a blatant disregard for whatever I am and my being. It was you trying to impose what you thought was correct for me and about me. I was always afraid of losing myself and my identity to someone who is manipulative in every word they say. I was always scared to give such control over me to anyone. I did not realise that it is how you act, that is who you are, until very much later. It feels as if everything you do is to showcase something to the world. You wanted to get married to me because it elevates your financial and social status. To you, I’m someone who earns well and is beautiful except some weight issues which you thought you can control.
I was a fool. I never really understood the importance of physical attraction. All i thought was, if we can talk our hearts out, we can be friends. And once there is friendship, there will be an emotional connect which will help me with the physical attraction as well. I was wrong in underestimating the power of being attracted physically. I never considered how you looked or how i felt about your looks. I should have. I now realise that, in tough times, in rocky times, it is physical attraction that saves a relationship. But I was also right about the emotional bond. No talking is equal to no friendship and no friendship is equal to no bonding of any kind.
I still don’t think I can blame you. Like i had my issues, you must have had yours and your thought process is different and so are your priorities. What was you trying to control me was a natural course of thing to you. To you, a girl is someone for whom you decide things and make decisions for. A man is supposed to be respected and a woman, to be controlled. What meant a lot to me, may have meant nothing to you. And with us being so different from each other, i couldn’t even explain you in a way you would understand without getting hurt. What i thought as a one time thing became a recurring thing throughout our marriage. This is the unexpected part.
Whatever happened before marriage did not let us form any kind of bond, physical or emotional whatsoever and we are already getting married. I couldn’t even call you my friend and yet i was getting married to you. I still didn’t have any feelings for you. I felt more than this for a crush in high school. I have so many mixed feelings by the time we got married. I wasn’t any bit excited. I always had mood swings and the process of marriage is itself a tiring affair with so much pressure on the girl’s side that it did not help at all. This is how, at the end, i got married to you without me even dropping a single tear at the parting ceremony. What was supposed to be the most important and emotional thing, just became a ritual that we need to get over with.
And when those Tears really came to me, it became a post. This is the worst thing about my life. Everything sad becomes a blog post and everything happy, becomes a memory that i might forget forever!