Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

    My dear little sister😇👭💞

    You ask me why i spend so much on you when my finances are so tight.

    How do i explain you my heart. Spending money on you and on our parents is the only guilt free way for me to shop. I cannot explain you the immense satisfaction i derive from that. While me being able to give back to maa & paa gives me a wonderful kick, being able to do something for you makes me feel like I’ve done something in life. Like, i have achieved something. 

    Or maybe it was just me. Growing up, you know how much i wished i had some elder brother or sister who took care of me and did things for me. I know how you tried to make up for that gap and how much you adore and love me.You are the onlt one in my life that i can show my weaknesses to. You know how vulnerable i am and how easy it is to break me. You know that behind this big body and who cares attitude, there is this fragile girl who breaks down to pieces so easily. You help me deal with the mess i am and more than that, you love me unconditionally and are my best friend i never had.You understand me down to the core and stood by me no matter what. I know we have our own meltdowns and crazy fights, but that was us being us. I’m happy we are normal that way.

    And to such you, doing these little silly things is nothing but pleasure and pure joy to me. To see you grow up into this strong, amazing woman is as is wonderful. And to be able to add up some value to that process will be my biggest achievement. 

    For giving me that pleasure and for being the person you are, i owe you a big thank you. I’m sure one day you’ll get this letter and i hope you keep loving me then as much as you do now.

    Love, Sahasra 💞 

    First day..

    Not sure why… but tears are just rolling out of my eyes. Somehow, i just couldn’t stop them. Even crying out loud in the washroom isn’t helping as it does most of the times.
    The fact that I’m settling for a new life which is going to be very difficult for me, isn’t letting me be any bit normal. Yesterday, when i was sent off with my husband after the wedding, my dad is the only one who had tears in his eyes. No one else cried. Not even me! While it is true that my dad crying like a baby was a haunting visual that would never leave my memory, me not crying at all was also weird. To be frank, i was too tired for anything. I just wanted to get out of that saree, all that makeup, and get some sleep.
    But the next day, when we reached his house and when we were given a house tour, maybe it was then the feeling sunk. That i left my family and entered into this new one, of which i literally new nothing about. The fact that i got married hit me so hard that i ended up with nothing but tears in my eyes.
    And they weren’t stopping. He was already worried and started panicking. He wanted to know why to which i had no answer. I missed my home. I missed the comfort and warmth it provided me. I missed my mum, dad and sis really badly. I was dead worried about my future of which i have no confidence at all. How can i ever explain all these feelings and emotions to him.
    I just have my aunt with me and she tried her best to comfort me and distract me. It was only when i got into the shower, warm tears ran down my cheeks and i was sobbing like a kid. With all that crying, i was out of breath, was coughing and puking. I never cry in public. I can only cry when I’m alone. And when i do, my sinus throws every bad thing it has and it was no different this time. I don’t even remember when was the last time i cried this bad. It was one of the longest showers of my life. The beautiful house, a seemingly warm family, a caring husband meant nothing in that moment. I wished some magic happened and undid the marriage from my life.
    I started writing this post on the very same day when I’m in between this crying phase but couldn’t complete it due to the intensity of those emotions. And i have tears again in my eyes while writing this post. I don’t know the how’s and why’s of these emotions. But they are here and they had a place in my heart. I wonder if any of this mean anything. I equally wonder how everyone else does this. Man, it was damn hard.

    Wish me all the luck.
    Sahasra

    The Year I Met You by Cecilia Ahern

    I probably should held out a disclaimer even before writing out my thoughts about the book. It was years ago when i accidentally stumbled across a Cecilia Ahern book only to find it amazing and magical. It was later that i came to know how successful she was as an author. And i have been a fan of her ever since and instantly keep liking her books. So, i may not be fair over here as i am more of an emotional person than the logical one i always struggle or want to be. What i wanted to say was, though not completely, my liking towards her and her books may tend to show up somewhere or the other and impact my opinions. 🙂

    I read the book during January blogathon and that did not leave me enough time to review the book and now, when i tried to remind myself of what i felt while reading the book, my brain came up with nothing. While i was reading the book, it was almost as if, i lived the life of Jasmine, the girl whose story the book was about and yet, i feel an emptiness in my brain when i try to recollect the memories. It was strange as i always felt or had strong and clear opinions about books once i am done reading them. But then, slowly came back all those feelings when i came across certain things or people in my own life. Like the other day, when i was told by someone that i was too close to my family and i never let anyone else come that close. I live far away from them but i never call them everyday. I rarely call and talk to my sister unless there is something that needs to be discussed or needed. But we still know how important we were to each other and my parents knew how emotional i was when it was about them. Like Jasmine in the book, i was too close to my sister and was way more protective of her than i was supposed to be. Sometimes, the book made me wonder about the relation between siblings. Why are we so attached to them? Why do we love them unconditionally? Why do we see them in a different light and why do we think that we know them better than the world? Just because we share our parents, house and some part of life, do we have to do all that? Do we have to give and take so much? The magic this relationship has never ceases to surprise me. One moment we were almost on the verge of killing each other and then in the very next moment, there comes this kindness and love that makes you forgive and forget anything that ever happened and sit down for a meal together. The author made me rethink of all those thoughts i have about my relationship with my sister and no wonder i thought i lived her life. No, my sister isn’t suffering from any kind of syndrome or disease but it was the affection, love, trust and unconditional support that made me feel home. Apart from the love for her sister, the obsession that she had for success, for work, for helping people create better things and having no life other than work are a few things that most of us see in our everyday lives. This has been a growing culture and until unless some sort of miracle happens, you just cannot stay out of that vicious circle.
    I really believe when people say that things happen for a reason and that applies to bad things too. Sometimes disasters happen just to get us out of the mess we were sitting in. We just fail to see it at that moment and it only sinks in once we give it enough time. Sometimes, being busy with our lives, we think that everything’s going well and it cannot be any better. It is during these times when disaster strikes us to show us how wrong we were and what’s really wrong with the path we followed.
    Our life is always a miracle and no matter what happens, we have to live with hope for the future. I really believe in this and this book says it all in a loud and clear voice.
    And finally, Cecilia Ahern still has the secured place in my heart. Love her and her books. Look into her books if you find anytime. They are worth it.

    This is a cheat post for the missed post yesterday and since I’m too messed up to write anything using my brain, I edited my review post from drafts and here it is.

    Take Care people.

    Love
    Sahasra

    Someone said something that’s truer than truth

    How much us women are ready to bear only because
    – We don’t want to hurt our parents
    – We think about the future of our sisters/ brothers
    – What will the society think
    – What will happen after divorce
    – Most of the time we also go ahead and have a baby thinking things will improve
    – And when they don’t we don’t get out of marriage because we want a happy family for the baby!

    Smitha said this on IHM’s Blog in response to THIS post.

    It struck all the chords and I could relate with most of the points. The difference is just that I’m not yet married.

    I really wish my life is just plain and simple. I really wish that the only things I have to worry about are, “how to get a wonderful appraisal at work” or “how to make lots and lots of money by doing something I like” or “how to express my love to the person I adore” or “how to get that super cute dress that I’ve been eyeing for long” but not about “how successful arranged marriages are” or “how bad my parents will feel if I tell them about my views on marriage” or “what does this society do to my little family if I revolted against all these stupid norms” or “the way my parents would feel when I say I need more time to settle”.

    And someone also said something that cracked me into laughing. Not sure when and where, but the context is that Mark Zuckerberg would never be able to reach those heights of success if he had to think this badly about how his parents would react and accept his decision to like, love and marry a Chinese(not 100% sure) girl.

    His life seems comparatively easier. All he has to think is about code and money! God bless that society. I wish I was born in one such place.

    Take Care people.
    Sahasra