It feels so heavy

It feels as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Until a few minutes back it felt all okay.. i was infact so proud of myself that I’m managing everything on my own and maybe onr day i will even be able to get out of this misery.

But when I’m done with my first shift and the daily chores and finally got a minute to sit down, it hit me again. The fear, the feeling of the world on my shoulders, the heaviness, the pressure on my nerves, it all hit me again hard. The fact that I’m not going anywhere with this life, the fact that leaving my brain idle for a minute is dangerous to my being, the fact that there is no one in this world that i can turn to for help, the fact that i really am all alone, is all too frightening and painful.

I want to call dad and tell him that i made a mistake choosing this guy and that we are in no way compatible with each other and it is making me miserable enough to feel like dying every minute. But i cannot as he will panic if i say all that. He might even die with the kind of poor health he is in. More than that, he says that i shouldn’t be the one who asks for divorce. He wants me to be politically correct. His words prove me agaia and again how men care more about their social status than anything. I just want to know how he would feel if I commit suicide. Will he be happy? Ofcourse no, it would kill him and ruin my family for life. But then why don’t they understand how tough it is for me to live this lie? Damn, couldn’t these tears be sweet in taste! I must say here, i feel that my dad is more worried about my sister’s future if i end up divorced with an invalid reason. And more than that, he feels that he is a failure for not earning enough to sort our lives despite what we do! He is becoming more and more paranoid everyday with the kind of mental pressure I’m giving them. I wish there’s a magic wand to fix it all.

My Mum seems to be the one who is more sorted here. She is atleast not showing it. Maybe that is more harmful to her health. Damn Cancer, i wish you didn’t enter her life. If not for you, she would be there, standing like a wall, ready to pick the pieces after i break their hearts and wreck their lives with my death.

I want to wake this sleeping husband of mine and tell him that i made a mistake marrying him and that we are not meant for each other and that living this life is making me go crazy, driving me deepeer and deeper into depression. And that i need his help. And that i need him to initiate divorce if he wants out. And if not, then i atleast need him to be responsible and take some load off me and make my life a little easier even if it is just temporary.

God, i wish there is some machine that can convey your mind without having to talk.

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A lot of details

This morning, when i completed my first shift and then finished cooking breakfast and lunch, for a moment i thought I was resting after a 5 hour whirlwind. But no, it was a low point. For a second it seemed as if all the gloominess in the world decended on me at once. The house was dusty and I’m lying on that bed scared of thinking about the next moment. I wished it was the end.

And then somehow, i pulled myself together, got ready and reached office. My laptop took forever to load and I was counting every single minute. I was desperate and have been banging my head. Then in those 20 minutes of nothing, my brain again found a way out. It went on wandering again like it always does and these thoughts followed.

I started thinking about how we started living together and how every single thing had been an issue between us and how we fought about everything. How I hated the way you spoke, the way you acted, the way you thought cooking and household duties were all my job while you lazed around and the way you tried to manipulate your way around things with your words. In the beginning, while i gave in to the thing called lust, as time passed by, i realised that there is no more depth in our equation. Even if we didn’t speak, even if we didn’t kiss or hug each other, even if we couldn’t be affectionate towards each other, even if i was raging with anger, and even if i expressed utter discomfort towards your body odours and sweat, even if we are emotionally miles apart, it was all okay with you as long as we performed sexual activities. You seemed to be okay with that arrangement while it felt so wrong to me. The fact that we don’t relate with each other about anything in life isn’t a big issue to you but it is to me.

Eventually, my mental and emotional happiness became high priority things to me when compared to the hunger my body has and I’m no longer interested in doing anything with you. From a human being with feelings, you became nothing to me. Gradually, your feelings or opinions didn’t matter anymore. All that mattered to me was me and my happiness. I became this terrible person that I never thought i would ever be. I used to get angry and emotional about everything. And once the anger bouts subsided, i was engulfed in guilt and blamed myself for everything. You anyways blamed me for everything that happened between us and slowly, i too started blaming myself and lived a toxic life where i hated my own existence. It felt as if i ruined your life when the fact is that we both are responsible for what happened to us. We too are so incompatible that no matter what, our differences in thoughts, attitudes and expectations from life, are never going to end. We will have these conflicts forever and the realisation of this fact pushed me towards an emotional trauma that I never even imagined.

And adding fuel to the fire, my hormones started playing with me. PCOS hit me hard. For a while, i didn’t even know it was PCOS. I was suffering from this unbearable pain and was bleeding continuously day in and day out for months. While continous bleeding was making my body weak, there were moments when I considered death a better option than bearing that pain. All those sleepless nights bearing physical pain and utter discomfort were just one side of the coin where the pain of having to live with an individual with whom you cannot share your mind and heart with, is the other side to the problem.

Adding to these are the pressures of running a household entirely on my own. Never before did i have to bear the entire living expenses on my own. Prior to this stint, i never even had the compulsion to do the job. I never worried about the what-if i lost the job today scenario. I was always confident that if i ever lost my job, then I would take a break and find a new job. But this is no longer an option to me. I will have to move back with the in-laws if I don’t have the job. The pressure was huge and it took quite a while to get used to it. More than the pressure, the fact that you didn’t even bother to check about how I’m dealing with it all on my own, surprised me. I know that you had your financial commitments towards your family, but still, there wasn’t even any kind of emotional support from you while I was doing it all on my own untill I asked you to do the minimal. To this day, it is 90:10 is what you share. While I was spending away everything i earn, you get to save all of it! How fair!

Sure, it did push me towards better financial planning and better money management techniques but in the process it ruined my confidence and destroyed me to my core. The fact that I don’t have any emergency funds and that I’m just one paycheck away from ruins, didn’t do me any good. I developed mental health issues like depression and anxiety all the while battling with physical health issues for which I had to rely on my Dad for my medical bills. For a girl who never took a rupee from Dad ever since I started working, it was devastating.

One more development in this period is that i lost whatever little interest i had about having kids of my own. It is true that i was always scared of having kids. But i never set a definite rule to myself that I will never have kids. I always thought, I’m afraid about the entire situation right now, but maybe with the right man, i will be willing to go for it. With you, i couldn’t trust you enough to even share my words and thoughts. How would I be able to trust you with a huge responsibility like kids? Moreover, I didn’t want to raise any kid who might inherit your qualities or characteristics. I’m better off childless than doing that. Thanks to the PCOS related pain and my conflicts with you, I’m now done even with the thought of having kids. I’m scared to death of the pain that i faced in those days. If there is anything that I would call as facing consequences, i would call this mine.

At that time, i never really understood the intensity of what’s happening with me and i doubt if you even had a clue of my mental state. I bet you know that I’m suffering physically, but still had no idea about the intensity of the pain I’m in. I tried explaining things to you but like every other time, it was all wasted effort as you would never understand whatever i tried explaining you. You somehow thought I was always giving excuses. There are numerous times when i tried to explain and reach out but all in vain. And then there are times when i struggled to give any logical reasons and only answered with an “I don’t know”. Whatever little i understood, I always tried to explain you. Infact you were always the first person explained and whenever I did that, you always took it in the wrong meaning. You either panicked or went on zombie mute mode and both of these led to more fights. I now wish there was atleast one normal and pleasant conversation between us. But sadly, there were none. There is not a single memory with you, that i want to treasure.

And then emotional blackmail and public humiliations started. Living this life is itself hell but it is nothing compared to the pain it caused while explaining it to others. Every single time i explained someone, it killed me a little bit. Sadness gradually took over every other aspect of my life. Every word i speak is followed by tears. There is no single moment when i didn’t wish for death. Hell, i even researched death. You know, though painful, it is just too easy for me to die. I practically shut myself out of everybody’s life that no one would even realise that I’m missing untill a couple of days atleast.

The kind of pain your body goes through when you have physical pain is nothing compared to the mental one. You look alright on the outer and no one would even understand what you are going through. When you smile for the world, you die every moment on the inside.

The fact that people, the so called elders forced me into live with you again, is killing me. Even the thought of you coming home tonight, is making me panic. I really want to lock myself in and not open the door. But that would be too cruel, wouldn’t it be! The fact that i will have to live this lie again, is killing me again and again. Now, every moment, i wish I’m dead. That is why i wanted to take an insurance policy. I’m not going to take my life but i wish i die somehow in an accident or something. Like they say, when you really want something, the whole universe conspires into getting it done. I just wish for my death to come find me soon.

And when i think like this, there is this little part of me that dies every moment because I became so selfish that all i can think about is death. Don’t i care about what happens to my parents and to my sister when i die? Will they be able to survive the storm i put them in? And more than anything, is this all to my life? I did nothing. I achieved nothing. Didn’t do a thing to make my parents proud. Didn’t make this life worth remembering. Am i really ready to conclude this life leaving it worthy of nothing? When i think about all of these and my little sister, tears just don’t end. How useless my birth would be after taking my own life!

I’m just struggling to decide. To live or not to. And this moment, i wish I was dead. But the next moment when Mum or Dad or Chinnu talk, i want to rewrite my life. I wish there is an easy road.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Decisions of heart ❤️

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

Freedom

At this moment in life, if there is something that I desperately want, it is freedom.

Freedom to be what I am. Freedom to just be. Freedom to live without fear. Freedom to be free from these judgemental eyes around me. Freedom from the confined thoughts of my mind. Freedom to develop the courage to look beyond the mess that I am in. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to live my life the way I want to. Freedom to give up on things. Freedom from the shackles that are holding me.

I want the freedom to tell my thoughts fearlessly without having to worry about the impact it would have on my family. Freedom to just shout out how much i hate having him in my life and how much I hated being in this marriage which felt like a jail to me every time. Freedom and courage to just leave this mess and everybody around and just runaway to a faraway place, to a distant lanr where nobody knows me. I want the freedom to dream of a world where my life is my business but not anybody else’s, where i am only answerable to myself but not to anyone else.

God, this is a request from the most deepest places of my heart. Please show me the path to that life. Atleast give me the courage to face this world and tell my truth. Give me the strength to face the consequences. More than me, make my family strong enough to take the blow and still move on in life with or without me. Please dear God, there is nothing else that i wish from you.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?