Balcony and the little ones.

I have a little balcony and a few plants too. Ever since I was little, i always loved the plants i had around. In all those rented houses that I lived across, i have very fond memories of one or many plants that existed alongside. They were just a part of my growth, never too important for anyone to notice but never less important for me to ignore. I was always scared of the little creepy animals that existed in the mud but that never stopped me from loving those plants.

I never understood the appeal and don’t understand it even now. But there’s one thing that I now know. That every minute i spend with those plants, every minute spent muddying my hands, every minute spent worrying about their withering leaves or growing buds, a part in me start living again. It feels as if these plants exist to bind my heart together one piece at a time. They make me forget about the world. At one point, books used to do that for me. Putting brakes on my thoughts is no mean feat. Tv shows and movies succeeded at it to some extent. But these little ones demand my complete attention. Sometimes I even get lost in a completely different set of thoughts when I’m working on them.

When i need to do something with/for these plants, i feel some peace setting in. Some parts of the lost soul returning. In my conflicted and confused mind, i find reason. I have ordered a few plants online a couple of weeks ago which were delivered today. Had to redo the placement as the nursery guys did a lousy job setting them. They left the polythene in the pots. I donno if it was supposed to be that way but i just thought it is common sense. I didn’t even Google it. Maybe I will have to learn a thing or two about balcony gardening. But at the end of the day, it was a good 3 hours of mud play and plant love. My otherwise totally wasted weekend became productive.

I’m looking forward to Monday now. A new day, in the life of my new plants. Hope they live long. I love the fact that there are only limited number of variables that decide their life. Sunlight, Water, Co2 and some fertilizer. Thank you dear god for this pleasure and peace.

Will post some pics soon but for now, good night people.

6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

It feels so heavy

It feels as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Until a few minutes back it felt all okay.. i was infact so proud of myself that I’m managing everything on my own and maybe one day i will even be able to get out of this misery.

But when I’m done with my first shift and the daily chores and finally got a minute to sit down, it hit me again. The fear, the feeling of the world on my shoulders, the heaviness, the pressure on my nerves, it all hit me again hard. The fact that I’m not going anywhere with this life, the fact that leaving my brain idle for a minute is dangerous to my being, the fact that there is no one in this world that i can turn to for help, the fact that i really am all alone, is all too frightening and painful.

I want to call dad and tell him that i made a mistake choosing this guy and that we are in no way compatible with each other and it is making me miserable enough to feel like dying every minute. But i cannot as he will panic if i say all that. He might even die with the kind of poor health he is in. More than that, he says that i shouldn’t be the one who asks for divorce. He wants me to be politically correct. His words prove me again and again how most men care more about their social status than anything. I just want to know how he would feel if I commit suicide. Will he be happy? Ofcourse not, it would kill him and ruin my family for life. But again, why don’t they understand how tough it is for me to live this lie? Damn, couldn’t these tears be sweet in taste! I must say here, i feel that my dad is more worried about my sister’s future if i end up divorced with an invalid reason. And more than that, he feels that he is a failure for not earning enough to sort our lives despite what we do! He is becoming more and more paranoid everyday with the kind of mental pressure I’m giving them. I wish there’s a magic wand to fix it all.

My Mum seems to be the one who is more sorted here. She is atleast not showing it. Maybe that is more harmful to her health. Damn Cancer, i wish you didn’t enter her life. If not for you, she would be there, standing like a wall, ready to pick the pieces after i break their hearts and wreck their lives with my death.

I want to wake this sleeping husband of mine and tell him that i made a mistake marrying him and that we are not meant for each other and that living this life is making me go crazy, driving me deeper and deeper into depression and that i need his help. That i need him to initiate divorce if he wants out. And if not, then i atleast need him to be responsible and take some load off me and make my life a little easier even if it is just temporary.

God, i wish there is some machine that can convey your mind without having to talk.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Decisions of heart ❤️

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Facts #3 – Complexities of my mind

• I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
• I don’t like too much light anywhere.
• I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
• I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
• I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband.
• I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
• I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
• I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
• I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
• I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
• I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

Family life: A feast my refugee father never forgot, When I’m Sixty-Four, my mother’s kimchi

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/dec/03/family-life-a-feast-my-refugee-father-never-forgot-when-im-sixty-four-my-mothers-kimchi

Some stories like these, fill your eyes with tears and your soul with feelings, emotions and memories.

My dear little sister😇👭💞

You ask me why i spend so much on you when my finances are so tight.

How do i explain you my heart. Spending money on you and on our parents is the only guilt free way for me to shop. I cannot explain you the immense satisfaction i derive from that. While me being able to give back to maa & paa gives me a wonderful kick, being able to do something for you makes me feel like I’ve done something in life. Like, i have achieved something. 

Or maybe it was just me. Growing up, you know how much i wished i had some elder brother or sister who took care of me and did things for me. I know how you tried to make up for that gap and how much you adore and love me.You are the onlt one in my life that i can show my weaknesses to. You know how vulnerable i am and how easy it is to break me. You know that behind this big body and who cares attitude, there is this fragile girl who breaks down to pieces so easily. You help me deal with the mess i am and more than that, you love me unconditionally and are my best friend i never had.You understand me down to the core and stood by me no matter what. I know we have our own meltdowns and crazy fights, but that was us being us. I’m happy we are normal that way.

And to such you, doing these little silly things is nothing but pleasure and pure joy to me. To see you grow up into this strong, amazing woman is as is wonderful. And to be able to add up some value to that process will be my biggest achievement. 

For giving me that pleasure and for being the person you are, i owe you a big thank you. I’m sure one day you’ll get this letter and i hope you keep loving me then as much as you do now.

Love, Sahasra 💞 

First day..

Not sure why… but tears are just rolling out of my eyes. Somehow, i just couldn’t stop them. Even crying out loud in the washroom isn’t helping as it does most of the times.
The fact that I’m settling for a new life which is going to be very difficult for me, isn’t letting me be any bit normal. Yesterday, when i was sent off with my husband after the wedding, my dad is the only one who had tears in his eyes. No one else cried. Not even me! While it is true that my dad crying like a baby was a haunting visual that would never leave my memory, me not crying at all was also weird. To be frank, i was too tired for anything. I just wanted to get out of that saree, all that makeup, and get some sleep.
But the next day, when we reached his house and when we were given a house tour, maybe it was then the feeling sunk. That i left my family and entered into this new one, of which i literally new nothing about. The fact that i got married hit me so hard that i ended up with nothing but tears in my eyes.
And they weren’t stopping. He was already worried and started panicking. He wanted to know why to which i had no answer. I missed my home. I missed the comfort and warmth it provided me. I missed my mum, dad and sis really badly. I was dead worried about my future of which i have no confidence at all. How can i ever explain all these feelings and emotions to him.
I just have my aunt with me and she tried her best to comfort me and distract me. It was only when i got into the shower, warm tears ran down my cheeks and i was sobbing like a kid. With all that crying, i was out of breath, was coughing and puking. I never cry in public. I can only cry when I’m alone. And when i do, my sinus throws every bad thing it has and it was no different this time. I don’t even remember when was the last time i cried this bad. It was one of the longest showers of my life. The beautiful house, a seemingly warm family, a caring husband meant nothing in that moment. I wished some magic happened and undid the marriage from my life.
I started writing this post on the very same day when I’m in between this crying phase but couldn’t complete it due to the intensity of those emotions. And i have tears again in my eyes while writing this post. I don’t know the how’s and why’s of these emotions. But they are here and they had a place in my heart. I wonder if any of this mean anything. I equally wonder how everyone else does this. Man, it was damn hard.

Wish me all the luck.
Sahasra