Thinking Glasses

Have been thinking a lot lately on what I want to do with my life.

What is it that I love to do for the rest of my life?

Earlier, whenever I posed this question to myself, I always thought that I’d be fine even if it is something that doesn’t pay me much or give me fame, and I’d be really grateful as long as it just something I enjoy doing and if it is something that makes me happy. Now, I realise it is really difficult to find something as such.

I’m 31 now and will turn 32 in 6 months. I spent two decades in school and college and one more decade doing my first job. Now that I finally took the leap and had time for myself for the first time in a decade, i keep thinking all sorts of things.

Should I wait until I figure out what I really love doing OR should I just go with the flow and start something afresh and figure out what I love in the course of life.

At times while I do feel the urgency to figure out something for myself soon, there’s also a thought in some moments, that I’m in no rush and I should take my time figuring out what makes me feel alive and where my happiness is.

As of now, all I know is that whatever I do, I give my best, I give it my all and I’ll succeed in anything life throws at me, no matter what it is. I have that confidence in me. What I don’t know is, if I’ll love what life has thrown at me or will I just continue to do it for the sake of survival?

At this point in life I do not have many responsibilities. Be it financially or emotionally or any way other. I’m relatively free to make any choice that I wish to make. So is it wise to wait or should I make some choice now and go with whatever plans I made for myself? It’s not like i have traditional plans of getting married and having kids. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want. But just because I have time and have no responsibilities whatsoever, should I just go with the flow and live my life just the same way I’ve lived for the past decade?

There’s one thing that’s different now from earlier. The burden of expectations from family and society to prove myself, to make a family for myself and settle down, doesn’t exist now. Even if I go down the same route as before, would the end result still be the same when all the critical variables have changed!?

By the way, it is so much fun not to think about anything serious and just enjoy my days doing nothing. All I’m doing these days is eating, reading, watching dramas and doing minor chores. I’m also scared that I’ll get used to this life and give up on everything πŸ˜…..

Whew!… How do I conclude!?

Hidden

These days, I feel hidden all the time.

And I have no one but me to blame for this situation of mine. In an attempt to avoid facing stupid questions about my divorce, I started avoiding people.
In the beginning, I avoided those questions because it was too painful to answer them. And then it was comfortable not to have to provide explanations to anyone.
Now, it is a pleasure to not to deal with anyone whether the question is about divorce or not. I found pleasure in not having to respond and in not reacting to anyone and worse, I now realize the peace in being alone and stopped reaching out to people.

So what started out as self preservation ended up being the most selfish choice I continue to make for myself.

Now, no matter who it is or what it is about, I have no interest in making small conversations with people. I have no interest in socializing. Sadly, I find pleasure in being the loner. I hope I don’t turn into a psychopath!

However, there are a few byproducts of this scenario that keep troubling me.

  1. I find no interest in expressing myself. Be it verbal or nonverbal. As a result I couldn’t write as I used to and feel like my skill got a little rusty.
  2. More than that, it made me super lazy. I have no motivation to go out, do things for myself, clean-up the house or even my brain. I’ve turned my house and my brain into dustbins.
  3. I don’t even feel like talking to my friends and family too. Silence seems to work really well for my lazy brain.
  4. Worst of all, whenever I get sick, I end up having troubled thoughts about things I’m not yet ready for and it gets really difficult to handle myself during and post the scene or mental state.
  5. Screen Addiction: With nothing better to do, I’m addicted to all sorts of screens and watching everything under the sun,.. rusting my brain even further.
  6. I just cannot seem to bring myself to read anything even if my life depends on it. This is something I cannot digest myself but it has everything to do with screen addiction.
  7. And finally, no worry or effort of any sort for or towards my future plans. This sometimes scares me.

So yeah, here I am,.. just trying to rant away all these thoughts running wild in my head so that I know what’s happening with me and if I can still be saved.

Hello There!

I know we all live in the same world and strangely under the same reality for the first time ever.

And I also know that it has been a long time since I posted anything here. But if you know anything about writing, you know how it is. You can only write when the mind wants to write. There is no forcing it or marching ahead no matter what. There is no other way around making one’s brain to write. So, it is the same case with me. Life got to me and I have been busy and with no space left in my brain to gather enough energy to write.

But I know I cannot stay away from this little space of mine forever and hence, here I am. So, whoever knows me, here’s a quick update and will get into the details of what all has been happening later.

I have been well and I hope you are all well and doing whatever is best for you in this situation.

Since I live in the capital city of a southern state of India and work in IT, I have been faring relatively well compared to the general population of the world. And I know that I shouldn’t complain, but I have worked 3 times more in the last 2 months than the entire Q4 of 2019-20. Partly because Q4 is usually filled with a lot of holidays and Corona has led to a lot more additional insecurity related to the Job resulting in me working harder than required. And since the last week, I have started going back to work after a long work from home period. It is not a choice and it could have been completely avoided for at least a couple more months but what can I do, I was asked to come back to the office and obliged after stalling it for 3 weeks. So, that’s that.

And before Coronavirus started its invasion, I was spending days miserably at work every day, just surviving week after week and filling weekends with endless chores and silently waiting for my bank balances to rise enough to help me make a move for my Melbourne plans. In a way, Coronavirus saved me from my depressing office setting. I wish I get to work from home for a couple more months. My productivity hit peaks during the last 2 months. I wish someone notices that and asks me to work from home for the rest of my life πŸ˜›Β  And my finances are a bit better now, with me reaching a break-even point in terms of expenses vs savings enough to survive me for a couple of years abroad. But now that we have new health scenarios in the picture, I realised that I also need to plan for health emergencies both for me and my family. It will be a few more months of toiling but I’m sure I can tolerate this job and frankly, I don’t have a lot of choices, with or without the world being this way.

And after surviving anonymity for a decade, I made a mistake last week of linking my newly created Instagram account for the blog with my personal account and it sent out notifications to everyone on my contact list. This stress caused due to this is equivalent to that of a heart attack and somehow I survived it by making the blog private for a while and deleting the said Instagram account.

To all my friends in this sphere, I hope you all are doing well in your lives and not hit by the covid19 pandemic. I would love to know that you are doing okay. Please stop by if you have a minute and drop me an email if you just want someone to talk to.

Love, Sahasra.

 

Rippling thoughts

Never in my life have I thought that I’ll be able to do casual talk with him. Life is weird in every possible way. It takes so many turns and sometimes leaves us on roads that one never expects to be on.

I miss him. From the way I scanned across the coach to the way I got angry at him for not coming up to me to say hi, it is clear to me that I miss him. However, what is still not clear is that, do I miss that friend of mine who is always in my heart OR do I miss his love and affection OR do I just miss talking to someone with no expectations attached. I wish there were simple answers. But given the way life turned around me, I’m sure that in time, I’ll definitely know what these weird feelings are all about.

This thought keep popping up more often these days when I think of him. That I miss and love him like the best friend he always was to me. My feelings for him were not the romantic kind because I never had those butterflies or the never ending love he had for me for years. How do I explain his affection for me now? After all that happened between us and after I continuously and consistently said NO to him for years, if not friendship, what is that we still have for each other.. OR am I just trying to console my heart that he was never yours and will never be.

Oh the lines, why are you so blurred that one cannot define something clearly. Did I cross any lines the last time we met that he was avoiding me at every chance he had. He had tonnes of opportunities and yet has been giving excuses. Maybe I’m right all along. Trust your gut and move ahead. This is just one late night phone call triggered by your sighting which wasn’t even worth meeting up in person. Don’t add too much worth to it and just continue living your miserable life as you were.

Good night.. to the flutters and hope that embraced me tonight, even if it is just for a second and as faint as the smell of grass that wavered by a gush of wind πŸ’›πŸ’€πŸ’€πŸ’€.. and don’t forget to love yourself. If not you, who else will love you 🧑

I wish..

It’s just not so easy at all when everything around you feels dark and disgusting.

It feels worthless when you have no confidence in yourself.

It is just getting impossible to live the next minute and the next minute.

I wish things were easy, I wish my mind develops the capability of taking easy things easily.

Not everything is as dramatic as I make it and life need not be as difficult as I make it.

I know it is all in me and it is with me the capacity of fixing something or not fixing something exists.

Why cannot I deal with my mess and retain control over my brain!

I just wish my brain is dead and I get a new brain with a clean slate and fewer active neurons to think.

I just wish things were easy and people simple.

So, what’s cooking?

Today it is the heart filling Pappu Charu with piping hot Annam and Kodiguddu Attu. πŸ™‚ I meant, Lentil stew with white rice and an Omelette. This is a standard school day dinner at our home and is etched into my memory to define peace and pleasantness.

I broke my phone last week. It’s been a ride ever since. I now realise how completely dependent I am on that little piece of tech.Β In process of losing access to the phone, I also lost a lot of data along with it and is still exploring options to get it all back but I don’t see any hope around the corner. So, I guess my curator series now have only my work laptop and WordPress drafts to hunt for content. These two on their own is plenty but I now realise a bit the importance of not reading all those articles, not posting all those pictures and not saving all relevant content on time. Instead of planning to do all those in an unknown and unpredictable future, I should have just lived in the moment. A really good life lesson that my phone taught me.

As a result of not having my phone, I have a lot of lazy time that is being filled with book reading while lazily sleeping on the bed. I guess I trained my brain to run along with the extremely high speed mobile phone RAMs so well that I lost the art of slow motion brain feed, nibbling on thoughts and all the peaceful moments that come along. I completed Looking for Alaska by John Green. It is a simple but amazing book. Read it if you get a chance. Mind you, it is not a fast read but is a pleasant, thoughtful bundle that evokes memories of your life locked away in your heart.

May be not having a smartphone isn’t a bad thing after all baring minor discomforts. I was able to sleep well on most of the days due to decreased binge watching on my mobile and was able to eat healthy home cooked food limiting take outs to 3 for the whole week, was able to concentrate better at work, gathering my perspective again with slowed down thoughts and wasn’t taking everything seriously like I do, when I’m sleepless, irritated and not working. Given all the good things that happened, I’m wondering if I really need a new smart phone now!. Well, it is not all good as I didn’t study for my English exam at all and the deadline is fast approaching and have not done any household chore whatever and my free Saturday is filled with chores as a result. It is good exercise to the body but I should’ve done it evenly across the week.

By the way, I really want to buy One Plus 6T now like an upgrade from One Plus 3T, but is a little too costly with the price around 45000 INR. 2 years back when I bought 3T, it was at around 30000 INR. A phone this expensive, would seriously tighten my budget for the next 3 months at least. So, I’m still thinking about it. Let’s see how it pans out.

And I’m about to start reading a new book and is planning to get back to my book reviews. I should write a review of the John Green book before I start the new one. At this rate, I would definitely read at-least 12 books this year. It would be a nice start as I really feel that I’ve lost that passion for reading. One thing I realised while reading that book last week is that, I clear up my mind while reading and I get better at words, sentences and as a person as well on the whole. That is why I read books. They just make me better for literally no cost(well a few hundreds of rupees and a few hours of time, but that’s nothing in comparison).

So, If I’m not asking for much, this week’s targeted things are here.

  • Do chores on time
  • Meditate for at least 10 minutes a day
  • Book Review of Looking for Alaska
  • PTE Prep
  • Work without getting distracted
  • 5 to 10k steps challenge
  • Read everyday
  • Eat as much as healthy food as I can
  • Sleep on time

Off I go back to my weekend chores. You have a good weekend & week ahead. Tata, Bye bye.

Love, Sahasra.