6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

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All okay.. but,

I have been trying to get myself post something over here to tell people that I’m okay. But somehow, i couldn’t get kyself to do it.

Everytime i think I’m over it and now ready to start afresh, some thought creels in and it makes everything difficult all again.

Now, in this very moment, i can sense an emptiness within me. I feel as if someone’s twisting my heart and my life dripping out of it like drops of water. In this emptiness everything goes waste. All the plans i made for myself to start a new life, to live for myself and to give myself some hope and a chance to rewrite my fate.

I feel weak in the knees and suddenly my plans seem so fragile and all the paths that I’ve laid out to followup on seem to become dead ends. I’m dead scared of managing it all on my own. I have no one like me around to look upto and walk in their foot steps. I fear that i will make a fool out of myself and remain a disappointment to my parents.

Being in this marriage made me miserable. To be with someone who couldn’t understand me, who couldn’t share my brain and heart killed me every minute. But now when it is all ending, why am I more depressed? It is not like there was undying love between us that is making me sad!

Why can’t I be strong for myself and for my family. Why can’t I gather enough courage to stay on course. Why can’t I be happy now? I have always been financially independent but am i that chained mentally? To the old fashioned ideas that a girl cannot make it on her own! And a girl’s life is nothing without a husband! Why am i giving in to this regressive thought? Am i that weak as a person?

Just trying to live one minute at a time and it is so hard. Please dear God, give me some courage, some hope, some peace so that i can stand tall in peace and make something out of myself.

At times

At times, all I need are, a hug, a shoulder to cry on and a heart that can hear me out without judging.

I’m not the perfect person in this world but I’m not the rude, arrogant, insecure, and selfish person you make of me. I am and have always been thoughtful towards the feelings of those around me. Then how come I ended up being this horrible person to you? How come I became the person who destroyed your life?

I guess i am guilty of expecting a better life for me and for once in my life, i tried to be in-charge of my life and this happened. Maybe, i am a destroyer of life. My head’s exploding and i wish i can punch hard enough to break bones. I took a pain killer to ease my body pains but how do I silence my brain? Sleep, please take me in and sing a lullaby for me please.

I understand

Maybe, it is in these slow moments like these that people understand how easy it is to die.

That distance between the fan and you. That piece of cloth that binds your neck and that fan into eternity seems like your best friend. I now understand how and why it becomes so easy to die.

I always wondered about the strength of the people who take their own lives. I always thought I was a coward and could never take my own life. But it is not you that needs to be strong it is the situation that needs to be strong enough to turn your cowardice into courage.

It is in those moments when life becomes so heavy and tough to live, it is in those moments when a fast forward or full rewind is all you wish for but neither happens and you are stuck in the present, that makes death your best friend.

You absolutely don’t know what it is that awaits us on the other end. And that is when you take the plunge, a leap of faith into the unknown. I really don’t know why people use this phrase when they get into thibgs like marriage, new job etc. They aren’t unknown results in those. They can either work or do not work, unlike death, which is a perfect black hole.

And it also feels as if people think that I’m faking pain, and trying to gain sympathy when i talk about death or suicidal thoughts. No, I’m not trying to gain any sympathy. I couldn’t care less about your symapthy. I just need to leave reninders to people that on the day it happened, people wouldn’t think it is all sudden. So that tgey wouldn’t say, I thought it was all okay, i didn’t know there were such issues in her head, her committing suicide was totally unexpected, it was all too sudden and strange. I don’t want people say that.

I want them to know that I’m not okay and I did the best i can and it is only because my best isn’t enough and i couldn’t live with my best that i had to leave and disappear into the unknown.

I’m not the genius who excelled at everything i did. But I’m no normal. I’m crazy in my head. I have thoughts and feelings no one around me has. I rarely find people like me. I’m full of contradictions and complexities. I’m just me. I’m a person who is a mystery to myself. All my life, I’ve been trying to understand myself. Not that I succeeded, but i got somewhere. You can see how my brain works if you read my blog.

I now decided, the day I’m going to die, I’m going to go public and tell everyone around me of my blog. Maybe, they may understand how stupid i am and how crazy my brain works. I’m just a lost soul that craves to be understood. God help all such souls outside. I’m really sorry for being in the lives of those around me, for i have given them nothing but pain. I’m a sadness in their lives that i can never take away. Only time and distance can do that. I’m sad that my parents had me. I wish they had someone else other than me.. they wouldn’t be this unhappy.