In search of the real me..

Sometimes I feel as if someone else is living my life and I’m watching all of this happen from a distance. Strange but I don’t feel like it is me. It feels like some stranger is living my life as it is in some movie.

  • The me I always knew, wasn’t this talkative and hyperactive.
  • The one I knew always read books that she bought and bought more only to read but not to store.
  • The one I knew loved watching movies on the big screen and forgot the whole world for those 3 hours.
  • This girl never liked shopping and never even thought about window shopping.
  • Was the one who saved more that she ever spent.
  • Never cared about how she looked or how the world looked at her.
  • Loved to fill all of her notebooks and dairies and scribbled every now and then.
  • Never had control over watching movies and TV shows, especially Korean.
  • Never gave up her sleep for anything in the world.
  • No matter what the problem is, I always had the courage to face it and lived with content even if I failed miserably.
  • To her, happiness meant a lot than goals, objectives, pride, ego and people.
  • This girl did wonders at work and managed to get everything done and was happy too.

I can just go on like this forever but the truth is I miss that girl too much or should I say that I no more like the girl that I’ve become. With age and time, people mature. But it looks as if I’m moving backwards. I don’t say that every single change that I listed is a bad one but some really are and they make me feel really bad. I get so irritated at the way I do certain things and start wondering what happened to me. It looks like though I don’t expect a lot from others, I expect a lot from me and you know, expectations of any kind hurt.

July is always a special month to me. I generally don’t make a big deal out of my birthday, but that’s one of the reasons why I love July. The second half of the year starts today and may be, this can be a new start to me. I want to do things that I love and take one step towards being the person that I want to be. I am going to post for every single day of the month starting today. Yes, a personal July blogathon is what I’m going to call this.

These days, I’m too tired and sleep is on my eyes ready to occupy my body but my mind doesn’t want to rest. I keep on browsing mindlessly the whole night and then go to bed at sometime around 2 or 3 am and wake up late and cranky. It affects my work, body, health, relations with people, and most importantly, my happiness. I want to change this thing that is the start to a vicious cycle. I want to sleep early and get a minimum of 7-8 hour sleep time to wake up fresh for the day.

Wish me luck and Happy July people. 🙂

Love
Sahasra

Random Ramblings – 2

Some more ramblings about me that are here to save my day. So here’s the 31st post of the month that opens gates to my freedom. 🙂
1. I absolutely am in no mood to think, type and post something today.
2. I just didn’t want a month’s effort go waste because i was too lazy on a saturday.
3. Except for a few hours of sleep and a 1.5 hr movie time, i was continously watching Castle since yesterday evening. Today alone, i covered 12 episodes.
4. There was a crossword sale since the last 2 weeks and i happened to be at travelling all the weekends. I got to go the mall yesterday evening and though all the 70% off books were gone, i found a few good(i think so!) ones with 50% and 30% off books. I bought 3 books for 580 which i think is a good deal. Tadaaaa… Here they are. 🙂
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5. I badly wanted to buy “the hungry student cookbook” by Charlote Pike and “I heart Paris” by Lindsey Kelk, but the facts that i don’t have my own kitchen and that i can read a pdf prevented me from buying those.
6. I was offered a role change at work which is a pretty good thing for me and i said I will think of it based on the exact offer that i was being made. For some reason, i feel that my controls are back with me!.
7. I started so many new things this month, i really want to keep doing them and not fail at them giving in to my addictions and temptations.
8. I downloaded 6 movies since yesterday night and 3 more are in process. All of them are romantic comedies and i don’t actually understand how i missed this many movies. I guess it is a big world afterall.
9. I pretty much am very proud of myself for successfully completing this blogathon. Good or bad, boring or not, i did what i said i would and i am happy for that.
10. I need to sleep now for my eyes are already struggling from all the watching but why would i be me if i listen to my body? Being the idiot that i am, i am going back to my TV Series once i hit this publish button. I know what you must be thinking, and yes, you are correct, “Idiots stay idiots!”.

Hope you all are having a great weekend. Enjoy, take care and good bye.

Love
Sahasra

A conversation from “Castle”

I swear i wasn’t going to post this today, but when i came across this conversation while watching the first season of Castle, the TV Series, i knew I had to post it here. You have to read it to find out what prompted me to take up the painful task of writing all the dialogue.
For those who aren’t familiar with the characters of Castle, Castle is the male lead and Alexis is his 15 year old teenage daughter and Martha is his Mum aka Grandmother to Alexis.

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Scene : Alexis trying out different dresses for prom.
Alexis : (Sighs) what do you think?
Castle : You look beautiful.
Alexis : Dad you say that about every dress. Don’t you think that this dress makes my skin look pasty?
Castle : Sweetheart, I want you to know, No matter how you think you look, you are perfect exactly the way you are.
Alexis : You’re not helping!.
Martha comes in holding another dress.
Martha : Oh, God no. Hideous!.
Alexis : Thank you! 🙂
Martha : Here, Try this. You know what, Good colour for you. (Sighs)
Alexis goes in to try that other dress.
Castle : What are you doing?
Martha : What?
Castle : You look hideous!. Are you trying to give her body image issues?
Martha : Oh, News flash! She already has body image issues. Said in tunes with being a woman. Every woman in the world, has some part of herself that she absolutely hates. Her hands are too small, her feet is too big, her hair is too straight, too curly, her ears stick out, oh, god, her butt is too flat, nose is too big, and you know, nothing you can say would change how we feel. What men don’t understand is the right clothes, the right shoes, the right make up, just it hides the flaws we think we have and make us look beautiful to ourselves. That’s what make us look beautiful to others. 🙂
Castle : (Long pause and thought later) Used to be, all she need to feel beautiful was a pink tutu and a plastic tiara.
Martha : We spend our whole lives trying to feel that again.
Alexis comes out wearing the other dress and both of them(Dad & Gran) are in awe.

Now, tell me. Did you like the conversation? On any normal day, i would talk endlessly about the conversation and all about how i felt and how much i loved it which obviously is the reason why i badly wanted to share it here so that it doesn’t get lost somewhere in my memory line. But today, I’m not going to do any talking. I just want to feel the beauty and sweetness in the conversation and think how true Martha’s words are. I do think she is right. What do you think? Do you like the conversation especially Martha’s words at the end? How did you feel? Do let me know. 🙂 By the way, i created that cool collage. Cool or not, I had so much time at hand and lots of Castle pics on Google! 🙂

Hope you all are doing great. Happy Friday and good bye for now. 🙂

Love
Sahasra

Awesome Finds – 1

I was actually not sure on what to post today. I had a variety of things in my mind but no time to convert them into a real post. I had lots to do at office and couldn’t concentrate on creating a post. But one thing i do without fail is to read. Even when i was really busy working, when some thought suddenly pops in my brain, i think of it, research about it and then read extensively about it. And this whole thing may take a few minutes or can even span into hours. It all depends on how busy i was the moment that thought appeared. When i am really busy like today, i spare it a few minutes, do some quick research and save bookmarks or files for future or further reading and on free days, i read and read and read all day until my boss yells at me. And today, was the busy day and in between all the office work which seems to have no end, there pops the idea of sharing about all those amazing things that i come across in all those searches. That would be a really interesting thing to tell and i always find something or the other.
So, here’s the thing, “Awesome Finds”. This takes you through one or many of the things i found that day or any time recent. I hope you all find them equally interesting and not get bored by the geeky stuff. 🙂

Today’s first find is,
http://www.gatesnotes.com/, the blog of Bill Gates.
I think you all need no further explanation about who this man is and what’s so special about him. If you really don’t know, he is this co-founder of microsoft, one of the super rich men on the planet, entrepreneur and a philanthropist. I really suggest you 
go for wiki‘s introduction rather that very poor description i gave.
Earlier today, i n
ever knew that Bill Gates has a blog and even today, i was surprised to know that he really contributes to it but not some associate or a PR Team on his behalf. I still have my doubts, but i think one should trust the man when he states so on his own site for the entire world to see 🙂 The article that led me to the blog is the Annual Letter. No, you cannot stop by just glancing at it. You have to read it completely. You will start to realise what great people really think of when they have loads of money to spare(Yepp, i think people like Bill Gates are great. Just look at what he had achieved with that brain. I don’t think i will ever do so much in this life time). I already know about the foundation and its work but i am just amazed at the facts and his vision or plans for the future. Do you know that it is just not Polio that India managed to wipe out in this decade but there’s another disease called Guinea Worm, a painfully cruel disease. There are many such amazing things that annual report tells you. One more thing that caught my eye is the amazing reports and graphs plotted on the huge data. They just catch the eye in an instant and would make you want to see what all that graph is about. Don’t panic. 🙂 This is the report designer in me talking. I can never stop admiring a good report or graph or a dashboard. I know how much hard work it takes to get that large datasets into wonderful reports. You see, your first job always stays in some corner of the mind. Okay, enough about reporting and now if i go back to the site, it seems as if he really writes it. I read a couple of posts and they sound genuine. The posts have the chill a genuine heart felt post gives. May be, the fact that one of the world’s richest man is writing those made me think so. But that is what i look for in any blog. I need that connect to the heart. One such moment and i click follow on wordpress. No wonder i liked this blog and i am sure many of us would. One line that i came across and really liked is a quote from Melinda Gates as stated by Bill, “Let your heart break. It will change what you do with your optimism.”  🙂 Also, don’t you think Bill Gates has a kind face? My colleague just doesn’t agree. Anyways, all i did is a sneak peak of the site and no serious reading. I hope you all like the blog as much as i liked it. 

One more site that i came across today is,
http://www.history.com/, the History channel website.
I am sure many of you must have seen this channel while surfing TV. I know, many of us wouldn’t
 give it a serious thought unless something interesting catches the eye. But me being the history buff i am, love reading and watching History. The channel site on the exterior looks just like any other TV channel site. But if you look into it properly, you would find a treasure of information. I knew about the channel and many of its shows before but never happened to check out the site. I stumbled across the site accidentally while looking for something related to American Civil War. Now, don’t ask me why was i searching for that on a busy day like this. I have no answer, that’s my brain and it is worse than a stray. I have absolutely no control over it. Coming back, the site has a variety of features on it which is more than enough for buffs like me to feed on. I just didn’t have enough time for it today and it was obviously bookmarked for future reads. There is a blog over there as well and it is also interesting. And again, i just hope you find it equally interesting and not boring.

Okay, i think that is more than enough for a blog post and i wish you all have/had/having a great day. 🙂 3 More days and the blogathon is over. Am i doing a little happy dance? Yes, i am 🙂 Good bye people.

Love
Sahasra

HBO Finds

Angels sing
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I was just doing the channel surfing thing when I came across this movie airing on HBO. Angels sing it is.
Was busy and so could only watch it for some 20 min or so. But the movie seemed cool. Families, Christmas, grandparents, songs, beliefs, Angels, life and happiness. You might wonder, just 20 minutes and I found all that?.. Yepp, true. That’s me. I am dark but can see happiness anywhere. That’s my gift. 🙂

Shanghai knights
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This is one more movie that I found this movie. And again, I happened to get only some 30 minutes of it. But the movie had everything I love in a movie(aah.. except the colour filled songs). It was funny, had sentiment, action, a kid and so filled with the English accent.
It had Jackie chan and Owen wilson in the lead roles. I for some reason, like Jackie chan a lot. His baby face which sometimes also look funny, his fighting moves, funny antics and humbleness. I like the fact that his movies never revolve around him but he just fits perfectly in every plot. I like a well said story rather than a plot with story just rotating around the lead making it a one man show.

Once back into my routine, I would search for both of these and watch them completely. So, lets call these as something that I found out accidentally. If I could find and watch them completely, I for sure will tell you how I felt and if my 30 min opinion stayed on throughout or not. But for now, this is all I have.
Keep living and loving. 🙂

Love
Sahasra

My English Vinglish story – 1

English isn’t my mother tongue and I am no expert. I can manage well and have been to places outside India, but I still am not 100% comfortable with the language as I have ignored all my grammar classes while at school. All thanks to my arrogance because of which I thought that I wouldn’t need grammar and I can live without it. It was only later I realised that I can live without it, but never with proper confidence.
You see, by the time I got into high school, I was already into reading. My uncle worked for this paper recycling company and would get me all the nicest books he ever came across. He opened a new world of reading to me. Comics, magazines, novels, big hard bound editions, puzzles and what not. Bless you foreigners who send out everything for recycling. People like my mum would never part from her books and other collections no matter how many years pass by. And back to my story, My mother used to monitor what I read in Telugu(my mother tongue) but never bothered about what I read in English. Now when i ask her about it, she tells me that she thought her brother only gave me comics. But among them, there was everything. Most of the adult stuff I never understood. It brings me a smile now, but back then, I’m sure that it is all something that happens only in foreign countries or something that I couldn’t understand. I just used to classify everything unknown into either of these categories. 🙂 You see, my vocab isn’t even that strong to be able to grasp all that stuff. Huh, that saved my innocence for a while. :p . But the main point is, all this reading built some arrogance in me along with the confidence and moreover, I made it a habit to leave things that I couldn’t understand and move on with the rest.
Now, while this reading helped me with all my English exams, it didn’t do good to me in the real sense. Even with grammar, I followed a rule. Read it out twice or thrice and write the answer that seems to be correct. My analytical skills were too good and my success rate used to be 90%. That gave enough boost to my arrogance and I never felt the need to learn grammar properly. And adding oil to fire is the treatment I used to get from classmates, teachers and family as if I’m some genius. And that way I completed school with totally wrong beliefs and opinions about me and the language as well. If I can go back and change a thing of that life, it would be to make better use of all the resources I was provided and be great at what I was already good at. That one wrong step and unattented arrogance led me into a world of unknown possibilities with the wrong attitude that just led to a series of wrong(not so right) decisions.

Now, this is one part of my long relationship with the English language. This has been in my drafts for long but since I couldn’t write anything new now, I was just pulling out my old drafts that could explain my journey a bit better. I will complete what I started but this is the first part. 🙂

And moreover, I have been sick for the past few days but I guess the phase has passed and I am recovering and is looking forward to a quiet weekend, which by the way is a long one. 🙂 Thank you all for the concern and love. I am glad to have this place. From your posts, I see a few others are also down sick. I hope you recover soon and be back with a bang.
Hope you all are doing well. Take care people.

Love
Sahasra

My addictions

Yesterday, I was having a conversation with someone about addictions. It was then i truly realised that, I as a person get addicted to things or people very easily and later it becomes really hard for me to get out of such addictions. And also that I was not just suffering from one addiction but many.

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Let’s talk about people some other time since my real problem is with the things that i am addicted to. Here are a few of them.
1. Books – This includes both buying and reading books.
2. Reading blogs – Aah, what do i tell about this. I am spending almost half day at this and no wonder i have tonnes of pending things to be done at work.
3. Movies – Count movies in all the three(Telugu, Hindi & English) languages i know and then in Korean and Tamil that i don’t know but take the help of subtitles.
4. TV shows – Count English, Korean, Hindi & Telugu in their order of priority. I am a serial downloader and is very much indebted to torrents.
5. And very recently, writing these blog posts. I’m telling you, it just makes time vanish like nothing.

All these things pretty much eat all of my time and leave me with nothing for personal life. I really have no idea how i have been managing. If i am not doing any of these, i will be either working or sleeping or bathing. I was so addicted to these electronic gadgets that my eye sight went down by 2 more points. I have anti-glare glasses since college, but never did i have to use glasses for eye sight. These 4 years of working and all these along, did enough damage and it is still going on. I stopped doing Yoga 4 years back and needless to say, with all these activities that just want me to sit and do nothing else, i gained almost 10 kgs(plus the recently reduced 5 kgs)!. Thank god, I was back to my senses and was trying to fix this now, but there is a lot of damage that’s already done. I shouldn’t even think about talking the damages to my confidence and health. And with the distractions and lack of interest at work, i have been doing a lot of damage to my hard earned reputation. You see, at work, it takes years to earn goodwill and nice reputation but in an instance a single bad incident can ruin it all. These days i spend so much time reading all the blogs that I feel really guilty for not working properly. Trust me, when I say that I wasn’t able to sleep anymore after 5 and since I couldn’t dare to go walking until 7, I started reading blogs. Seriously, 5 in the morning! Today, i read somewhere about serial liker who likes posts just to get back views. No, i ain’t one. I like a post because i liked what i read and i know better than wanting to have readers that way. And if you see me liking all of your posts, it just means that i just gave in to my addiction called reading and genuinely liked your post. Right now, while i am writing this post, i had tens of things waiting for me to do. I wish i get a control before i lose everything. I used to do all of these earlier as well, but not sure why I’m so stressed out now. I am terrified, yet, out of control. For good or bad, this blogathon is making me read, write and think a lot. And I really want to do all that and still be happy and good at work. I know what you must be thinking, “Hopeless”. Exactly, that’s what i feel too.
I just wonder why do i have to be addicted to something or the other all the time. Why can i not exercise self control.  And then i found this,

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But do you really believe that? Do we really have to have some pain or sadness in our life to get addicted to silly things like these. It sounds correct but then, what kind of pain am i in? I cannot think of any. Atleast, none lately. Aah, why is it this difficult. I badly wish for a job that lets me read all day and still pays me. That way, i can be addicted to all these and still have a steady income without the guilt factor. Or at least i wish there were another 12 hours in a day so that i can finish doing everything I want and still be stress free!. It will be magic then, and i so wish for it. 🙂

Okay, i guess that’s enough for a rant. Since there is nothing i want to talk about, i am just doing the rambling thing again. Don’t worry, i am all okay and was just ranting on how pathetic, sad, stupid and tiring i was feeling. 🙂
Hope you all are doing well and at least not struggling in a love/hate relationship with blogathon like me!

Love
Sahasra