Thinking Glasses

Have been thinking a lot lately on what I want to do with my life.

What is it that I love to do for the rest of my life?

Earlier, whenever I posed this question to myself, I always thought that I’d be fine even if it is something that doesn’t pay me much or give me fame, and I’d be really grateful as long as it just something I enjoy doing and if it is something that makes me happy. Now, I realise it is really difficult to find something as such.

I’m 31 now and will turn 32 in 6 months. I spent two decades in school and college and one more decade doing my first job. Now that I finally took the leap and had time for myself for the first time in a decade, i keep thinking all sorts of things.

Should I wait until I figure out what I really love doing OR should I just go with the flow and start something afresh and figure out what I love in the course of life.

At times while I do feel the urgency to figure out something for myself soon, there’s also a thought in some moments, that I’m in no rush and I should take my time figuring out what makes me feel alive and where my happiness is.

As of now, all I know is that whatever I do, I give my best, I give it my all and I’ll succeed in anything life throws at me, no matter what it is. I have that confidence in me. What I don’t know is, if I’ll love what life has thrown at me or will I just continue to do it for the sake of survival?

At this point in life I do not have many responsibilities. Be it financially or emotionally or any way other. I’m relatively free to make any choice that I wish to make. So is it wise to wait or should I make some choice now and go with whatever plans I made for myself? It’s not like i have traditional plans of getting married and having kids. I have all the time in the world to figure out what I want. But just because I have time and have no responsibilities whatsoever, should I just go with the flow and live my life just the same way I’ve lived for the past decade?

There’s one thing that’s different now from earlier. The burden of expectations from family and society to prove myself, to make a family for myself and settle down, doesn’t exist now. Even if I go down the same route as before, would the end result still be the same when all the critical variables have changed!?

By the way, it is so much fun not to think about anything serious and just enjoy my days doing nothing. All I’m doing these days is eating, reading, watching dramas and doing minor chores. I’m also scared that I’ll get used to this life and give up on everything 😅..

Whew!… How do I conclude!?

Unexpected

I have had a great Monday despite the travel blues and a sleepless night the day before. It wasn’t perfect but was satisfactory. Then came Tuesday which turned out to be the worst of its kind in every possible way.

This morning, when I woke up, I told myself to do something good today. But one thing after the other kept going wrong. I still did not lose it. I still wanted to make it right. I wanted to finish atleast 4 pending tasks at work and call it a good work day. And most importantly, I did not want to distract myself with anything at work (writing, reading, watching) like I did yesterday. I still had my spirits up.

And then came the surprise when I booked a cab to go to the office. As soon as I boarded it, a wave of chilling cold air with a pleasant fragrance hit me. It is AC in combination with Lady Gaga Fame perfume. It is just amazing. It instantly triggered memories of Melbourne. I wondered if I’ll ever let Melbourne go. It reminded me of my love for the city. The chilly winters spent there, on the roads, in the rain, in the parks on sunny days, the music on the roads, those trams, that cold air that hits you when you go out of the airport for the first time, the city’s hustle, the silent suburbs, the peaceful ocean and the amazing skyline. The city that sounds happy on a Monday morning and also stays calm in its own way. It is my kind of city where you can enjoy to the fullest and yet be a silent watcher. I just cannot love it enough.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live in that city but I desperately want to. I spent an year confused on what path I should choose. The Masters route or the PR through work route. I might be eligible for both and since I have enough experience and qualifications. The work route might be the easiest one but I desparately want a break from this work and I’m scared of taking a huge study loan for masters. And then there are other things to decide like, MS or MBA and if so where and what specialisation must I choose. I also have worries on the what ifs of me not succeeding or just not being good enough for that life.

I just don’t understand why I’m so confused and why is it so difficult for me to choose. But there is one thing that is sure from what I felt today. Melbourne will have to be a part of my life plans in whichever way possible. Even if I have to bet my entire savings and start afresh. I’ll have to be there at any cost. And now it is time to decide the how’s of it.

I never expected something simple to make me so determined. I’ll need to stay put on the thought and work this out. First things first, I need to finish the pending tasks at work and mark my first success of the day and then venture out. If you set your mind on it, nothing is impossible. Not even your ever distracting mind is unbeatable. While mind over matter is a thing, mind over mind is what I need to practice and succeed today.

Have a great day 😎.