Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

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Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?