Expectations & Trials to not live up to them!..

All my life I have been burdened by expectations others had on me. I have either tried to live up to them OR ran away at the first chance I got. That’s the case with many but for me somehow, my life was/is defined by these attempts. Now, I seem to be facing a new version of this problem.

The expectations that I lived up to or tried my best to do so are those of my parents and those that came along with my job. I have been the proud daughter of my parents for a long long time, thanks to all that effort, whenever I took a turn that might lead to disappointment for them, I quickly changed course and was always successful to turn the tide. I did the same thing with my job. I worked extra hard than everyone else, to be the best. I know that though I may not be the most intelligent person in the room, I can always be the most hard working person and that it would almost always pay off. And owing it to my luck, my hard work have always paid off. Whenever I felt like I was lacking or getting complacent, I doubled down on my effort, learnt new things and bounced back to takeover the best spot. This attitude have always rewarded me with the best and made me confident about myself.

It also makes sense that at work, my value is determined by how well I perform or how good my results are. One thing I never understood is the feeling that I get/used to get at home. I felt as if our bests are appreciated and our worsts are mourned. I never get this. Isn’t the love of parents supposed to be unconditional? Shouldn’t they love us inspite and despite all our failures and disappointments? I know they love me, but why do I feel the disappointment they see in me, so strongly when I fail? Why do I have to live up to my parents expectations of what I am or what I can be! Just so that they’ll love me more? That’s crazy!..

I broke this chain of not disappointing them, when I decided to get a divorce. And I continue to do so by not giving up to their wish/demand to get married again, by leaving my longtime job, by not making any sensible choice ever since. I may continue to do so hereon, but the guilt of doing so and hurting them in the process, coexists. But the point is, I broke the chain and freed myself up.

The other scenario where I ran away from expectations, is/was with my relationships Aka romantic interests. I have been in a couple of serious relationships and a few more minor crush/not serious equations. Now that I recall how they went down, every single time, it is the same story. I got scared of the expectations they had from me and I ran away at the first chance I got. I hurt everyone in the process, including me.

No, I’m not regretting my choices. Given a chance, I may have tried to make my executions painless, but I’d act in similar fashion if placed in same situations. The one thing that I’m trying to understand from this case is, why do I get scared of expectations!.. Would it have been different if I put forth my limits first, thereby limiting the range of expectations they have or might have of me? OR maybe if I had done that, there wouldn’t be any relationships in the first place. Also, some limits are only understood when you are in the game. And I know what they say, open communication is the key to successful relationships. Then the question might be this, “why do I let myself get so affected by someone else’s expectations!.. it should be their problem to deal with and not mine”

I’m so closed in many ways that I don’t know how to open up and talk about this stuff in relationships. Anyways, this isn’t my biggest problem today and can always be revisited if and when I get into this mess again, which by the way is a long shot anyways.

Today’s problem is with the expectations I seem to have about myself. How do I live up to those? There’s no option to run away from myself!

At the moment, I’m doing nothing, out of fear of failing at what I may do! Which means I’m in the flight mode already and cannot be this way any longer. How do I get out of this rut and convince myself that no-game is equivalent to failure? How do I pick myself up and gather the courage to do something again? These expectations that I’m so afraid of, are these even mine? Do I have to succeed at everything I do? Can i not be a failure who failed trying instead of being the failure who never tried?

There must be a way to pick up the pieces and walk ahead. Life is about living and not just idling it away in the fear of failure. Haven’t I lived long and safe enough to risk it all atleast once? Why do I need to repeat the same mistakes of my parents. Let’s make new ones. Let’s risk it all.

I should learn not to measure my worth in terms of my expectations and achievements. I should measure myself in the efforts and hardwork I put in, on the path I paved for myself. Just like how I wanted my parents to love me despite my failures, and how I thought to not care about someone’s else’s expectations of me, I should do apply the same rules of love and ignoring expectations to myself.

Results are dependent on ten thousand things, while as efforts can be completely mine to own. To break the barrier of expectations and to set out, to achieve the frontiers I’ve never even dared to envision, should be my Moto.

😁.. it’s true what the saints say about us humans, listen to yourself, look carefully at yourself, you’ll have the answers that you’ve been searching for all along, within you.

🍁💜🤍💚💙♥️🤎🖤☘️

P.S: This is a post about myself written for me, like most of the posts on my blog are. Despite that, if you have managed to read this long story, thank you for walking through the realms of my mind. I understand that it can be tiring and so, I’m always grateful to people who try to peek into my brain & soul.

Let me tell you a secret now. Classic editor seems to appear by default when you type from your mobile app. Well, I can live with that for now!

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Choices – The next 180 days # Day 177

I kind of have 2 choices.

Now that it is already the weekend, i can sulk all day and let my house rot and look like a pig sty. Trust me, a pig sty would be in a better state than my house is right now.

It is a given that his presence makes me go crazy and depressed. Any talks that involve him, his family and our marriage are triggering a storm within me. But hasn’t this happened way too many times already? I should’ve gotten used to it by now. But no, everytime I let this happen to myself. And everytime it ruins me for a few days. My house suffers, my health suffers, my work suffers, and everything comes to a halt as if I’m mourning someone or something.

But really, what am I mourning? The end of my marriage and/or the end of this relationship that bound us, our families, that was supposed to give some meaning to my life! The way I see it, I’m not the victim here. Infact nobody is. If at all we are anything, we are a victim of circumstances and social conditions. It is a good thing that getting out of this mess would help us be what we want to. He can go back to being the man he is, marry someone who could respect and love him for what he is and live life on his terms. I can go back to being the woman i was and aspire to be a better person and reach the heights that I wasn’t even supposed to dream of before.

We are just two strong individuals, who are polar opposites, with a defined path in life that didn’t seem to merge unless one of us loses everything and follow the other. We tried to make it work and like everybody would say, tried to compromise on both ends which only made us more miserable and unhappy. This affected our psychological state of mind and eventually the cracks led to a complete break.

We did fight, we did argue, we still do whenever we face each other but all of that is because we either want the other one to see our point or to completely understand and behave in a way they wanted to. This never happens/ed. We are just entirely different to the core and our expectations about the other person to be like us led us here. And in all these arguments for and about divorce and families and us, we tend to forget the real reason here and end up fighting about silly things like shared house work and taking out trash. When in reality, these are not the things we are really fighting for. We are actually fighting about the way we perceive our partner to be and the way they actually are. Adjustments work when it is about “what’s for dinner or who’s going to fold the clothes”, but they wouldn’t work when it is about leaving your job and pursuing higher studies, not wanting kids until it feels right, not lying to each other just for the sake of lying because it is a behavioral trait. Arguing about these things would be pointless as they are things that make people what they are and that cannot be changed unless you want the person to borrow a completely different brain.

But again, it took me ages to understand this and I’m not sure how many more ages would it take for him to realise it all. And for this reason alone that I understood what it was all about and have atleast a faint idea of what it might be, I cannot hate him despite all the creeps he gives me. I cannot love him but couldn’t hate him either because i cannot hate a man for being himself. Though he uses his high pitched tone and towering height to conquer arguments, I’m no perfect as i have my bouts of anger too that ate 2 of my phones. Yes, I’m out of line on that and have been practising self-control ever since I realised it.

The only thing I’m guilty about is that in the process of understanding all of this, i left my family a burden that they’ll have to carry forever and threw them into uncertain and ruthless future. They didn’t ask for any of this mess they were in nor they deserve this. This thing alone kills me every single time and it will take a lot of time to heal these wounds. I think this is why I get depressed whenever I see him or talk to him or about him. It somehow reopens these wounds. Just like the self-control thing, i need to practice restraint and try to help my mind try to disconnect him with my wounds.

So, coming down to what I started, I now have 2 choices. Either I think all of these again and again in repeat in my brain and let it kill me or I write it down, come to a conclusion, understand it for what it is, let it go and get off this bed and live life.

So, I’m choosing the 2nd one and going to live instead of sulking in the past forever. I’m going to try not to let him or his thoughts add salt to my wounds as that would be an unfair act to me by myself.

So, I’m going to publish this post, get off this bed, get myself together, maky my pigsty into a home again, eat, drink, prep for the week and study. These are my tasks for today on my 180 Day Project.