I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.
I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.
But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.
This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.
I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.
I want to get better, live better and try to live again.
When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.
I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.
And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.
I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.
I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.
And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.
Maybe, it is in these slow moments like these that people understand how easy it is to die.
That distance between the fan and you. That piece of cloth that binds your neck and that fan into eternity seems like your best friend. I now understand how and why it becomes so easy to die.
I always wondered about the strength of the people who take their own lives. I always thought I was a coward and could never take my own life. But it is not you that needs to be strong it is the situation that needs to be strong enough to turn your cowardice into courage.
It is in those moments when life becomes so heavy and tough to live, it is in those moments when a fast forward or full rewind is all you wish for but neither happens and you are stuck in the present, that makes death your best friend.
You absolutely don’t know what it is that awaits us on the other end. And that is when you take the plunge, a leap of faith into the unknown. I really don’t know why people use this phrase when they get into thibgs like marriage, new job etc. They aren’t unknown results in those. They can either work or do not work, unlike death, which is a perfect black hole.
And it also feels as if people think that I’m faking pain, and trying to gain sympathy when i talk about death or suicidal thoughts. No, I’m not trying to gain any sympathy. I couldn’t care less about your symapthy. I just need to leave reninders to people that on the day it happened, people wouldn’t think it is all sudden. So that tgey wouldn’t say, I thought it was all okay, i didn’t know there were such issues in her head, her committing suicide was totally unexpected, it was all too sudden and strange. I don’t want people say that.
I want them to know that I’m not okay and I did the best i can and it is only because my best isn’t enough and i couldn’t live with my best that i had to leave and disappear into the unknown.
I’m not the genius who excelled at everything i did. But I’m no normal. I’m crazy in my head. I have thoughts and feelings no one around me has. I rarely find people like me. I’m full of contradictions and complexities. I’m just me. I’m a person who is a mystery to myself. All my life, I’ve been trying to understand myself. Not that I succeeded, but i got somewhere. You can see how my brain works if you read my blog.
I now decided, the day I’m going to die, I’m going to go public and tell everyone around me of my blog. Maybe, they may understand how stupid i am and how crazy my brain works. I’m just a lost soul that craves to be understood. God help all such souls outside. I’m really sorry for being in the lives of those around me, for i have given them nothing but pain. I’m a sadness in their lives that i can never take away. Only time and distance can do that. I’m sad that my parents had me. I wish they had someone else other than me.. they wouldn’t be this unhappy.
Do you smoke? Even for fun, have you ever smoked?
To me smoking and smokers are the only things that put me off instantly. I have a very strong sense of smell and the minute a smoker comes into my zone, I start getting irritated. I make faces and then straightaway ask them in face of they smoke. Usually I am a very humble and thoughtful person who is considerate of others feelings. But this one thing makes me forego all my manners and shows the rude and bitchy side of me even to complete strangers.
The other day it was a colleague who had to face my wrath. I now seriously wonder if he thinks I’m the crazy girl who cannot mind her business. He is a nice guy but somehow rubs off everyone the wrong way and people are a little bit harsh to him and are very quick to judge him. Though i defend him when others start bashing about him, i think i let all those words get the best of me and judged him too harshly in the first instance.
He said he started smoking as a way to show solidarity with a friend who was depressed and lost someone recently. Now he smokes 5 cigarettes per day and he thinks it is okay. Ever since i lashed at him, i keep wondering if it was his foolish love for smoking that annoys me or people’s words that entered my brain and made me act so childish.
Either way it is smoke from cigarette or from people’s nasty thoughts that clouded my judgement that I now regret. I should’ve known better. Today I make a promise that no matter what others say, i will never let their shady words cloud my judgement or my actions and I promise to be kind to myself and to others as well no matter what their habits are.
Anyways, take care guys.