Blast from the past ….

Sometimes, I’m all well and sometimes I’m not, just like everyone else out there.

But at times, it is just difficult to be. And this is a picture of a note from a time when it was just unbearable, yet still the beginning of a long road of pain. I didn’t know of it then but writing down how I felt, sometimes helped.

So when it hurts like hell, find a vent… In whatever form you’d like it to be.

Just vent it all out and lighten your heart. πŸ–€πŸ–€

One of those days

It is one of those days when I find the need to….

  • To shout or yell at someone loudly about everything
  • To want to pull someone close, hold their hand and tell them that I’m not okay and that I need help
  • To feel like I’m living in a body again not some rotten piece of meat
  • To feel alive and joyous in my heart
  • To be excited about everything I have and the energy to get what I don’t.
  • To feel healthy and happy in my mind, body and soul..

And finally, to want to live now…. and later one day far in the future, to die a peaceful death.

Curator Series #5: (Not a) Superwoman

Behind a Superwoman

A friend asked me this morning, on what was the problem I had with my husband. His intention was to really understand what my issue was and how it got that bad. Please don’t mistake him for the prying neighbourly aunty. He is someone who accepted me for what I am and gave me the benefit of doubt in every situation even though he disagreed with some of my views. He’s been my rock solid support system who accepted my friendship with my flaws.

For someone like him, I was and will always be ready to explain. He knew that I am in a safe place now and can answer questions like these and hence the question. Since he knows most of the inbetween and after story content, I explained him in simple words when an article in my notes popped up with the super woman topic. He is in the middle of the arranged marriage process and wanted to know how he can try to not repeat my mistake. So, this was my answer to him. Earlier this morning when we spoke, I couldn’t put my thoughts together to explain him clearly, but when I came across this article while going through my posts, I thought this would help me to tell my point in a better and easy way.

So, here it is. The story of a superwoman and who’s behind her. Please note that this article is from womens web by Tanvi Sinha.

https://www.womensweb.in/2017/05/behind-every-superwoman-inconsiderate-man/

And this is my conclusion to my rant.

Most men and women around me are that way(Super woman and Bittu Bhaiyya) and that is why many don’t think it is a problem. But to me it is. That is how I was different or in popular terms, the odd or weird one.

It took me a while and many a depressed bouts to realise that being different from others or expecting different things from others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I still deserve my happiness and that I’m not a bad or terrible person to choose my happiness.

Anyone who’s following might be wondering why I’m writing all these posts now. It’s just me venting out whatever bitterness is left in me and in process paving way to a new life. I’m breathing, getting better and finding myself again. This s an attempt at decluttering my brain and collections as well. Well anyways, my blog has always been about me. I’m a narc that way.

So, here’s my curator series post of the day. Thank you for reading πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—.

A good weekend #1

I wish there were more of these. It was in no way perfect but it was a good weekend.

I got a few pending things done, I did some physical activity, I finished a drama, I ended up getting some quality sleep eve though it is just for a couple of hours midday on a full stomach. Most importantly, I managed to converse with my neighbours and also enjoyed my seclusion. I was listening to music and stocked & prepped for the week.

Well, there are many other things that I had wanted to do, like, doing a little reading, writing something, getting some office work done, finishing a course, dusting the bike and riding it, going for a walk and sleeping on time. But like I said, despite of all the things that I didn’t do, this weekend feels like a success as I did my best and rested when I was tired and depressed. I wish the week goes smooth too.

There are a few things I want to accomplish this week but irrespective of checking the items on the list, I also want to end the week in a better or if it permits, in a happy mood.

So, here’s the things for the week to just make it do.

1. Work diligently without getting distracted at work.

2. Sleep early and wake up early.

3. Eat well and eat healthy.

4. Not to stress out about things that didn’t work out, both at work and at home.

5. Talk more often with friends and family.

6. Get some exercise, in whichever way you can.

7. Most importantly, smile a lot.

8. Do one thing that helps you with your future.

When doing a lot seems to be impossible, just doing the minimal, should do.

Why be unhappy about not being able to do a tonne? Just do the needful at the moment and slowly work your way through the rest. This is my motto these days. I’m just getting by, one minute at a time and one day at a time.

Signing of for the day, and looking forward to a great week ahead 😊😎.

Geetanjali

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high
Where knowledge is free
Where the world has not been broken up into fragments
By narrow domestic walls
Where words come out from the depth of truth
Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection
Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way
Into the dreary desert sand of dead habit
Where the mind is led forward by thee
Into ever-widening thought and action
Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake.

——– Rabindranath Tagore

Time and again, we need reminders of such timeless gems to remind us of what we need to aspire to be and how we need to move ahead in testing & troubling times.

When you hit a wall, you don’t go back. You may divert and find a way around it or hit it hard again to break it down, but you don’t go back on any of the progress you made. You stand tall in face of adversity and face it with doubled courage and determination. That my dear, is life wanting you to live it fearlessly, loving the journey all the way and no matter what, never forget what your destination is and where you want to be.

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A good weekend

After a Friday night that was restless and uncomfortable, there came a Saturday that was pleasant and cool.

I woke up early but dozed on and off only to finally wake up at around 10:30. With my weekend chores, I was busy sorting the house that I religiously make messy over the week. And then got vegetables at our weekly veggie market and started prepping them for the week while watching JuzzBaat on Fire TV stick.

I must tell you, the show’s good. The one episode that I liked the most or should I say that moved me to my core and made me shed water works is the one with Adaa Khan and Karanvir Bohra. The episode was so emotional and equally funny. While Adaa Khan made it emotional and made me cry, Karanvir Bohra is what you would always want, a break from reality and such a fun person he is. He & his life is too good to be true. Though I loved Adaa Khan’s beautiful act as a Naagin, I was never a fan. But today, I just loved her like anything. She smiles through tears, she smiles through happiness, she smiles when it’s funny too. And she smiles with all her face and her teary eyed smile will tell the kind of strength the girl has that can help her swim through the storms of life. I’m actually amazed and inspired. Strength in the face of adversity is always inspiring. One might think that her life wasn’t a real struggle, but I think it is something only the individual can decide, if something is a struggle or not. Sometimes, the silliest of things to us becomes someone’s struggle and vice-versa. So, I wouldn’t judge anyone on that basis.

After juzzbaat, i delved into TV soaps that I watch once in every couple of weeks and love them while being played on fast forward πŸ˜†πŸ˜‹. In the process I made chicken pulav using leftover chicken curry from the week and then while having dinner, I started the movie Parmanu.

Let me confess, Raazi and Parmanu were the hindi movies that I waited for this year. But since I bought the fire TV stick, i decided to compensate the expense by not going out to the mall for movies. So, I waited for 60 days for those movies to be available on Amazon Prime and Zee. I almost spent an approximate 5000 on the stick and other subscriptions altogether.

So, I watched Raazi a week back and got to watch Parmanu today. I must say, I’m blown away by Parmanu and liked Raazi. Maybe, I expected a little too much from Raazi and a little too less from Parmanu. It is such a difficult task to hold the interest of the audience on a dry story like Parmanu where all the basic information is laid out for all on the web. But it was good. Please watch it if you haven’t. The subscription was worth the movie. I did not subscribe to zee premium only for that movie but the movie was still worth the amount(500 per year). By the way, Parmanu is also good for one more reason. The testing of nuclear weapons did change the face of India on the world map. We were treated with more respect and had a big leverage against everyone who considered us a mere third world country that would play to their tunes. Though I don’t support collection and usage of nuclear weapons or our laughable no first use policy, I still think that at a time when the world is just thinking of itself and was willing to put the future of other countries on line for their own prosperity, India took a stand and took back the control that was almost lost. It was a moment in Indian history which proved that one strong man, a man who is a soft spoken hindi poet by hobby despite being a prime time politician, is capable of showing determination and courage to take tough decisions thay decide the fate the country, without having to be cruel or corrupt. I’m so glad that such a moment is captured on celluloid. John Abraham has started to gain my respect with these films like Madras Cafe and Parmanu. I’m glad he did these films that would otherwise may have remained as documentaries.

By the way, while the pulav was good, i tried my popsicle mould for the first time today and is awaiting the results. I hope they turn out good too😊.

So here I am, almost dozing off, with a wonderful feeling that i made good use of a Saturday. I just wish I had gone to the parlor, rode my bike and read something useful. But since I can still do them all tomorrow, I’ll sign-off on a happy note.

Have a great Sunday people. Hope you all have Fun too πŸ€—β˜ΊοΈπŸ˜πŸ˜Ž.

Balcony and the little ones.

I have a little balcony and a few plants too. Ever since I was little, i always loved the plants i had around. In all those rented houses that I lived across, i have very fond memories of one or many plants that existed alongside. They were just a part of my growth, never too important for anyone to notice but never less important for me to ignore. I was always scared of the little creepy animals that existed in the mud but that never stopped me from loving those plants.

I never understood the appeal and don’t understand it even now. But there’s one thing that I now know. That every minute i spend with those plants, every minute spent muddying my hands, every minute spent worrying about their withering leaves or growing buds, a part in me start living again. It feels as if these plants exist to bind my heart together one piece at a time. They make me forget about the world. At one point, books used to do that for me. Putting brakes on my thoughts is no mean feat. Tv shows and movies succeeded at it to some extent. But these little ones demand my complete attention. Sometimes I even get lost in a completely different set of thoughts when I’m working on them.

When i need to do something with/for these plants, i feel some peace setting in. Some parts of the lost soul returning. In my conflicted and confused mind, i find reason. I have ordered a few plants online a couple of weeks ago which were delivered today. Had to redo the placement as the nursery guys did a lousy job setting them. They left the polythene in the pots. I donno if it was supposed to be that way but i just thought it is common sense. I didn’t even Google it. Maybe I will have to learn a thing or two about balcony gardening. But at the end of the day, it was a good 3 hours of mud play and plant love. My otherwise totally wasted weekend became productive.

I’m looking forward to Monday now. A new day, in the life of my new plants. Hope they live long. I love the fact that there are only limited number of variables that decide their life. Sunlight, Water, Co2 and some fertilizer. Thank you dear god for this pleasure and peace.

Will post some pics soon but for now, good night people.

Acceptance

Whatever has happened, has happened.Β There is nothing that I can do to change any of what’s done.

I cannot change how I led my school life.

I cannot change what I choose to study after school.

I cannot change how I choose to study while at college.

I cannot change how I forced myself to love someone when I clearly wasn’t in love.

I cannot change how I lived my life after college.

I cannot change how I ended up getting married to someone I never connected with.

I cannot change how I behaved while I was married.

I cannot change how the marriage ended (technically, yet to end).

I, more certainly cannot change how I ended up depressed, sad, confused, lost and miserable, after what was supposed to be the best decision I have ever taken.

I cannot change how people behave or what people think of me and my family.

I cannot change how my family thinks of me or how sad I make them feel.

Sometimes, there is nothing one can do about certain things. They cannot be changed. But one can always change how they let these things affect them. One can always decide to accept it for whatever it is and find peace in chaos. The past cannot be changed and the future cannot be predicted. It is only the present we have. There is no point in sulking about the past or worrying about the future. Live this day, today, to the fullest. As selfish as it may sound, today, love yourself to the fullest. Do everything that makes you happy today. And in all that, somewhere you’ll find peace. The way you treat your today makes a world of difference on your tomorrow. Be you, and Choose you, Over everything and everyone. Stop worrying about everything that’s either in the past or in the future. Just make the best of what you can today and see how it works wonders for tomorrow. πŸ™‚