When you stop doing what you do and listen to your surroundings, you notice things that you didn’t see before. It is as if you just poke your head out of your little nest and is looking around.
When i decided to concentrate on work and not to watch anything on the net, i realised that it is not just because they are interesting that I wanted to watch. It is because i’m running away, scared from what my life is offering me, scared of things that I’m supposed to face or do, scared to deal with the mess that I am in.
When i stopped my brain from being in a busy state by means of TV shows and YouTube, it had to face the real world. For no reason, i ended up crying in the washroom, drowning my sorrows in caffeine filled coffees and green teas. Only loud music with all the drums and beats gave me some peace. Amidst those loud sounds, i couldn’t even hear my own thoughts and i could work for a while.
When I’m forced to face reality, i found that there are so many things that I need to do to fix my life. The amount of effort required to fix my life is scary. My fears and sorrows add additional weight to it. But i do need to move and get things done. No matter how big a mountain it is, i still have to move it one thing at a time.
And then the lengthy nights that don’t end. They don’t help with the cause at all and I ended up watching shows until late in the morning which causes unhealthy eating and late arrivals at office. It is a vicious cycle. I need to break it somewhere.
Day 178 – update – Fri Dec 8
Junk – Yes
Too much screen time – Yes
Work – not so much
Reading – None
Planning for tomorrow – Yet to do
So far, a disaster followed by a visit from him that added a rotten cherry to an already disastrous cake. Whenever he meets me, it disturbs me to the core and results in binge eating and binge watching phenomena as it did today!
But the only good thing is, i logged it all down and still not losing hope and made a visit to the doctor thereby taking a step towards my better health.