Decisions of heart β€οΈ

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

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Lazy days

There is this weird happiness in being able to be lazy for the whole day when you are not forced to do one thing!

A Saturday when you had a festival holiday on the Friday and you had nothing to do but to enjoy your weekend, is a wonderful Saturday. Waking up lazily at a time you want after a good night sleep and then lazily making coffee and breakfast which by the way is upma that takes little or no effort.

Here i am, sitting in the balcony with Karan Johar’s Autobiography and my breakfast setup. With my little plants happily growing buds and the day light being messed up with these on and off drizzles with a background score of the Chaviti bhajans from the township prayer area is just a little too perfect set up for a lazy Saturday morning.

By the way, I’m reading Karan Johar’s Autobiography, “An Unsuitable Boy”. I don’t know what the title meant, but I’ve just started reading it and i must say it is good. If you are any bit emotional and any bit Indian, you’ll like it. Though I’ve read only prologue and one chapter, i can say that it is well written and well framed. You can just get the tone of a book from the first few pages itself. And ofcourse, any film makers book is interesting as it tells you things about people who are always in the limelight but have a coat of secrecy over them. I guess it is our curiosity that makes these books and movies interesting.

And in all of this, one cute thing happened which reminded me of my own childhood memories. While I was eating my breakfast and parallely reading, there is this little girl from the opposite apartment who observed me for like 5 to 10 minutes while drinking her milk, I assume. It was cute that sh stood over there observing a woman reading in her balcony. It reminded me of those childhood days of mine when we would come back from school or on a Sunday evening when my Mum would be sitting on her chair somewhere in a quiet corner of the house and reading something or anything. Infact, those quiet reading times were what inspired me to read, to fall in love with these amazing things call books. I have grown up watching people read which tells me that no matter how busy you are, you can always make time for a good book as long as your brain is free to take in. To this day, that love for books, that love for reading never left me. Infact that is the only thing I ever loved unconditionally in this entire world. Even though the time i can spare for reading is very less thesr days, i still cannot stop myself from buying books just for the sake of collecting them for the rainy day. Like today πŸ˜ŽπŸ˜‹. I just wish i made her a little bit curious about what I was doing and she takes up a book just out of curiosity. I only know her from this balcony and have seen her observing me while i was doing my quiet reading here. So, I can just wish.

It is also my dream to start a little library somewhere, possibly in the apartment complex i live to just make reading a little bit easy for people and most importantly kids. But I’m still a little bit selfish about my collection and is not yet ready to part with them and i know that the day i start giving our books i should be ready to loose them as well as not every book that goes out comes back. I know this for a fact after looking at library books being held hostage at our home for months if not years. It is not that my mum is stealing them, but it is just that she doesn’t find time to complete all of them and even if she does, she is just too lazy to return them. She returns them whenever she visits the local library but then gets back with a tonne of books again. I cannot tell you how much fine she has paid until now for those late returns! πŸ˜‰πŸ€”.

Okay, here we are at the end of my long weekend rant and the vegetable sellers are here on their usual time. We have this Saturday mini market in our Apartment Complex every week which helps me avoid going to the supermarket every now and then. So convenient. This is one of the things I love about living here.

Okay then, off i go to our vegetable market and bye bye.

ICC world cup Cricket Finals 2017

Well played India. Thank you for all your efforts and most importantly thank you for creating this interest about women’s cricket in India. It is a heartbreak but you paved a way to many others and one day some other team of blue women will lift that trophy for sure. Jhulan Goswami, Punam Raut, Kaur, Veda, Deepti and the entire team is amazing and did decent job. There will be a day when it is yours to boast and it is just not today.

For anyone who might wonder, I would react in the same way when our men lose a match. The last time I lost my control over a cricket team losing a match is when i was 16.

England won the match and they very well deserved the win for their well-planned bowling and amazing fielding. May the better team win is always the moto of the game and it prevails. The tension, the nail biting, waiting on the edge of your seat for each and every ball, these are all the very same things a cricket match played by men give us and it is nothing different today. I just hope this craze over Women’s cricket stays and grows more that one day, it is treated on par with men’s cricket.

I’m just​ surprised to see how fit these women are and how much hardwork they must have put into to be like that. I wish i have atleast 10 percent of that, and i would be something else. I’m a lil bit ashamed that here they are, women playing an ODI match and me who cannot run for 10 minutes to save myself from Rain! I know, I’m Hopeless! πŸ€”πŸ˜‹β˜ΊοΈ

World cup cricket 2017 – Semis

I haven’t seen a more interesting cricket match in the recent years. True, it has been years since I have stopped watching cricket actively, but have always followed what’s happening in the cricket world. Well, the match isn’t over yet but it is worth all the applause it is getting. Never did i expect that a women’s cricket match would make me go all crazy about cricket and i would end up writing a post about it.

Yes, i am talking about a women’s cricket match. Why would i not. It is a world cup semi-final match between India and the defending champions Australia. India scored 280 in their first innings in just 42 overs with Harman Preet Kaur scoring 170 plus not out. Trust me, it is just not about the numbers. It is the adrenaline rush the match is giving. Just had to wait out the sluggish intial overs in the 1st innings and then it is a treat. I can now proudly say that I have watched one awesome innings in the history of cricket. I sure have tonnes of regrets missing many a wonderful matches in this veey short 28 year old life time but this is match is a medicine that eases out all those regretful days.

Somewhere within, i am a little bit proud that this is a women’s match that I am raving so much about. To hell with fairness, i am happy and proud that i am seeing a women’s cricket match on TV with all the commercials and commentary like a proper cricket match in a stadium filled with a decent crowd. I know 2nd innings is boring when it is the opposite team chasing but still this match wants me to watch. It reminds me of the 2015 men’s world cup semi-final where India lost to Australia chasing a 300 plus target. 

I am not much inclined to the technicalities of the game as i never really played cricket and is just an ardent fan and supporter. So, I’ll spare you the technical details of the match and ask you to just turn on your tv and watch this match. No matter who wins, women are the winners and India already won my heart with the batting and bowling untill now. If India took over Australia today, it is history for Indian cricket. Taking over such a team is just something amazing. I just wish that one day, in my country called India, where cricket is a religion, it becomes common for a woman to come out and play cricket on the street and be taken seriously by the people around.

I’m yawning and dying to sleep but just struggling tostay awake untik the match ends. Hope you all like it as much as I can.