6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

Unhappy clients

The first time I met a client was some 4 years back. It was 6 months since I started working on the reporting tool and was pretty good at it and then I was in Joberg training to be a consultant. One of the consultant was facing some technical issues on site and requested my manager for help saying that the client was not happy. It was a Friday and when on training it was almost all play with very little work. Most of the team left for the day or were at different clients.
My manager asked me if I can help. I wondered how I could help if the senior consultant couldn’t figure out the issue and told him the same. He then said that the issue might not be with the report but might be with the settings and other technical details. So I agreed to give it a try. It was a short drive but it felt like I was sitting in the car for hours, I was so nervous with a thousand questions in mind. When we reached there the situation was no good either. Of course, the consultant was already on panic mode. He worked so hard to create that beautiful report and he was being bashed with technical issues when it’s time to take all the applause. I would have panicked too if it were me in his place.
I told myself to calm down and started gathering information. It was like writing exam on a subject that you have been learning for the past 6 months. Though not an expert on the tool, I set up the tool running on 4 different machines and knew the technical setup in and out.
The strange thing that I noticed was the client wasn’t in panic mode or didn’t even seem anything near unhappy. He was the Risk manager and responded to all my questions and complied with all my requests. Tell you the truth, he didn’t get a word of what my manager was talking and I had to intervene in between. It was the first time I have talked to someone about something completely technical and they not only understood well but responded me back. That was the first time I experienced the joy of being a techie. I loved taking to the client. Did I mention that he was this tall, dark and handsome guy with the perfect attitude. 🙂 And of course, on his desk, he has pictures of a beautiful woman with a child in her arms. Sshh…my bad, you see!
Coming back to my point, after recreating the whole setup process model and debugging the existing process, we identified that there were a few war and jar files missing which caused problems in accessing the report. And once the missing things were replaced, things worked and the client was really happy with the first look. It was just a minor technical glitch that lead to the whole situation.
The work order was closed successfully after a few more visits that didn’t include me but I was more than happy. Though a small one, I did my part and that too very well. My happiness just doubled when I heard that my manager spoke very highly of me when he went back to India. If it was today’s me, it wouldn’t be a big deal but to that girl who is just 6 months old at the job, it was a great thing.
To this day, I always remember the moments of that day and those memories will stay in my heart forever. Whenever I have to face an unhappy client or clean someone’s mess, I remember that day and those memories.
To this day, client’s requirements haunt me and the thought of talking to an unhappy client terrifies me. But none of this stops me from facing them. I face them straight with a head high touching the sky and never once did I fall on my face. I always left the room with a smile or some hope.
Life isn’t easy but it is memories like these that give us hope and courage to face the everyday mess. And today I have a meeting with one such client and I am dead nervous.
I really wish everything goes well and my coffee count stays in control. 🙂
And I forced myself to bed at 11:30 which was considerably better than the usual 2:30 or 3 am times. I will have to see how well it goes for the rest of the month. And todays addition is my green tea. My cup have been begging me use it since a month and today I’m going to grant it’s humble request. 🙂
I happened to write the post early in the morning and only got a chance to edit now. The meeting went well and I was supposed to talk to her again tomorrow and finalise the solution. I really wish things go well. And I didn’t grant my cup, it’s wish! So to compensate for it, I will be pose in one asana for at least 15 minutes. Tough.. but will have to try!.

Hope you all had a great day.

Love
Sahasra

In search of the real me..

Sometimes I feel as if someone else is living my life and I’m watching all of this happen from a distance. Strange but I don’t feel like it is me. It feels like some stranger is living my life as it is in some movie.

  • The me I always knew, wasn’t this talkative and hyperactive.
  • The one I knew always read books that she bought and bought more only to read but not to store.
  • The one I knew loved watching movies on the big screen and forgot the whole world for those 3 hours.
  • This girl never liked shopping and never even thought about window shopping.
  • Was the one who saved more that she ever spent.
  • Never cared about how she looked or how the world looked at her.
  • Loved to fill all of her notebooks and dairies and scribbled every now and then.
  • Never had control over watching movies and TV shows, especially Korean.
  • Never gave up her sleep for anything in the world.
  • No matter what the problem is, I always had the courage to face it and lived with content even if I failed miserably.
  • To her, happiness meant a lot than goals, objectives, pride, ego and people.
  • This girl did wonders at work and managed to get everything done and was happy too.

I can just go on like this forever but the truth is I miss that girl too much or should I say that I no more like the girl that I’ve become. With age and time, people mature. But it looks as if I’m moving backwards. I don’t say that every single change that I listed is a bad one but some really are and they make me feel really bad. I get so irritated at the way I do certain things and start wondering what happened to me. It looks like though I don’t expect a lot from others, I expect a lot from me and you know, expectations of any kind hurt.

July is always a special month to me. I generally don’t make a big deal out of my birthday, but that’s one of the reasons why I love July. The second half of the year starts today and may be, this can be a new start to me. I want to do things that I love and take one step towards being the person that I want to be. I am going to post for every single day of the month starting today. Yes, a personal July blogathon is what I’m going to call this.

These days, I’m too tired and sleep is on my eyes ready to occupy my body but my mind doesn’t want to rest. I keep on browsing mindlessly the whole night and then go to bed at sometime around 2 or 3 am and wake up late and cranky. It affects my work, body, health, relations with people, and most importantly, my happiness. I want to change this thing that is the start to a vicious cycle. I want to sleep early and get a minimum of 7-8 hour sleep time to wake up fresh for the day.

Wish me luck and Happy July people. 🙂

Love
Sahasra