Some feelings .. #1

Someone who’s very affectionate and who expresses their affection towards me. I love cuddling, hugging, and someone affectionately spooning my face and kissing me.

It must be the physical affection that I was deprived of since childhood that makes me crave for it, but if I ever have a partner, this is something that I need.

More than anything, I want to be with a kind, caring, affectionate and compassionate person who demonstrates his feelings towards me. There used to a time when intelligence attracted me, but now, I’m more into kind people. Intelligent people still attract me, but I often found out that most brainy people are arrogant. I later on realised that my type is emotionally intelligent, not just worldly intelligent who can earn money. It’s heart over brain for me and I heart feelings now πŸ˜‚.

This is no random post, this is something that I have always thought about on what I want or need from a partner. I just never had this level of clarity.

I now know that money, I can earn as much as I need and I can live with whatever I have without any regrets. And I’m getting there about not considering the physical attributes as some priority, but the qualities mentioned earlier, are a must and there’s no compromise there.

I’m just okay and good being on my own, living by myself and loving myself as much as I need, but if I ever find someone attractive enough to share this life with or carve some life together, then this would be my most important criteria.

Saying again, this is just my own monologue, something clicked in my head while doing something and realised that I’ll lose this if I didn’t pen it down now. I wanted to create a draft of it, but somehow I’m now convinced that this could be a post as well. So, that’s it πŸ‘»πŸ€.

I hope you’re all doing well and surviving this life in whichever way you can. Whatever the situation is, just take a breathe and live this minute, we can think about the next minute when we get there.. just live this minute in peace. That’s how I’m surviving.

Love, S

6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, πŸ‘©

Smoking

Do you smoke? Even for fun, have you ever smoked?

To me smoking and smokers are the only things that put me off instantly. I have a very strong sense of smell and the minute a smoker comes into my zone, I start getting irritated. I make faces and then straightaway ask them in face of they smoke. Usually I am a very humble and thoughtful person who is considerate of others feelings. But this one thing makes me forego all my manners and shows the rude and bitchy side of me even to complete strangers.

The other day it was a colleague who had to face my wrath. I now seriously wonder if he thinks I’m the crazy girl who cannot mind her business. He is a nice guy but somehow rubs off everyone the wrong way and people are a little bit harsh to him and are very quick to judge him. Though i defend him when others start bashing about him, i think i let all those words get the best of me and judged him too harshly in the first instance.

He said he started smoking as a way to show solidarity with a friend who was depressed and lost someone recently. Now he smokes 5 cigarettes per day and he thinks it is okay. Ever since i lashed at him, i keep wondering if it was his foolish love for smoking that annoys me or people’s words that entered my brain and made me act so childish.

Either way it is smoke from cigarette or from people’s nasty thoughts that clouded my judgement that I now regret. I should’ve known better. Today I make a promise that no matter what others say, i will never let their shady words cloud my judgement or my actions and I promise to be kind to myself and to others as well no matter what their habits are.

Anyways, take care guys.

Love, Sahasra