These days, I feel hidden all the time.
And I have no one but me to blame for this situation of mine. In an attempt to avoid facing stupid questions about my divorce, I started avoiding people.
In the beginning, I avoided those questions because it was too painful to answer them. And then it was comfortable not to have to provide explanations to anyone.
Now, it is a pleasure to not to deal with anyone whether the question is about divorce or not. I found pleasure in not having to respond and in not reacting to anyone and worse, I now realize the peace in being alone and stopped reaching out to people.
So what started out as self preservation ended up being the most selfish choice I continue to make for myself.
Now, no matter who it is or what it is about, I have no interest in making small conversations with people. I have no interest in socializing. Sadly, I find pleasure in being the loner. I hope I don’t turn into a psychopath!
However, there are a few byproducts of this scenario that keep troubling me.
- I find no interest in expressing myself. Be it verbal or nonverbal. As a result I couldn’t write as I used to and feel like my skill got a little rusty.
- More than that, it made me super lazy. I have no motivation to go out, do things for myself, clean-up the house or even my brain. I’ve turned my house and my brain into dustbins.
- I don’t even feel like talking to my friends and family too. Silence seems to work really well for my lazy brain.
- Worst of all, whenever I get sick, I end up having troubled thoughts about things I’m not yet ready for and it gets really difficult to handle myself during and post the scene or mental state.
- Screen Addiction: With nothing better to do, I’m addicted to all sorts of screens and watching everything under the sun,.. rusting my brain even further.
- I just cannot seem to bring myself to read anything even if my life depends on it. This is something I cannot digest myself but it has everything to do with screen addiction.
- And finally, no worry or effort of any sort for or towards my future plans. This sometimes scares me.
So yeah, here I am,.. just trying to rant away all these thoughts running wild in my head so that I know what’s happening with me and if I can still be saved.