Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Relationships

What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!

World cup cricket 2017 – Semis

I haven’t seen a more interesting cricket match in the recent years. True, it has been years since I have stopped watching cricket actively, but have always followed what’s happening in the cricket world. Well, the match isn’t over yet but it is worth all the applause it is getting. Never did i expect that a women’s cricket match would make me go all crazy about cricket and i would end up writing a post about it.

Yes, i am talking about a women’s cricket match. Why would i not. It is a world cup semi-final match between India and the defending champions Australia. India scored 280 in their first innings in just 42 overs with Harman Preet Kaur scoring 170 plus not out. Trust me, it is just not about the numbers. It is the adrenaline rush the match is giving. Just had to wait out the sluggish intial overs in the 1st innings and then it is a treat. I can now proudly say that I have watched one awesome innings in the history of cricket. I sure have tonnes of regrets missing many a wonderful matches in this veey short 28 year old life time but this is match is a medicine that eases out all those regretful days.

Somewhere within, i am a little bit proud that this is a women’s match that I am raving so much about. To hell with fairness, i am happy and proud that i am seeing a women’s cricket match on TV with all the commercials and commentary like a proper cricket match in a stadium filled with a decent crowd. I know 2nd innings is boring when it is the opposite team chasing but still this match wants me to watch. It reminds me of the 2015 men’s world cup semi-final where India lost to Australia chasing a 300 plus target. 

I am not much inclined to the technicalities of the game as i never really played cricket and is just an ardent fan and supporter. So, I’ll spare you the technical details of the match and ask you to just turn on your tv and watch this match. No matter who wins, women are the winners and India already won my heart with the batting and bowling untill now. If India took over Australia today, it is history for Indian cricket. Taking over such a team is just something amazing. I just wish that one day, in my country called India, where cricket is a religion, it becomes common for a woman to come out and play cricket on the street and be taken seriously by the people around.

I’m yawning and dying to sleep but just struggling tostay awake untik the match ends. Hope you all like it as much as I can.

This n that

Well, I wanted to keep posting updates regularly so that i stay on course with my list. Though not exactly, but to the maximum possible extent.

The weekend was another waste except for lots of cooking, binge watching and reading. One good thing is that my erratic sleeping hours are a bit under control. I have made​ new rules about food and sleep cycles.

  1. No food after 10pm. If at all I’m too hungry or craving for something, then i can have a fruit or a few grapes.
  2. No coke or caffeine after work hours. Try to limit myself to one coffee a day.
  3. Get back to drinking green tea and atleast one bottle of water per day.
  4. Little or no rice in main courses while adding more veggies and protein. Add soups to dinner menus.
  5. Make mental notes of sugar and salt intake. Regulate and control it.
  6. Finish food in fridge before cooking anything else.
  7. Finish groceries at hand before buying anymore.
  8. Minimal usage of Carol’s resources.
  9. Sleep early and wake up early. I know, this is the toughest of all!
  10. Make proper use of lunch break at office. Maybe, walk for 20 minutes everyday! Do something other than work.

Well, i know I’m making too many lists. But to me, making lists is the most effective way to get back on track. I’m tuned that way. I think most of the tasks on my list are actionable and pretty much reasonable. Let’s see how it goes. It will be good if i atleast suceed doing half of the list. As Don Tillman would say, it is like a Gordian knot where one of these might help me get everything done.

Talking of Don Tillman, i have started reading “The Rosie Effect” by Graeme Simson. The 2nd one in the series after “The Rosie Project” which was one wonderful book. 50 pages into it, i now think i need to revisit Rosie Project again! There seem to be lapses in memory. πŸ˜‹ Memory loss at 27(28 in a month!). Anyways, totally loving Rosie Effect but thinking of keeping it on hold and reading Rosie Project again. I’m not exactly sure where to buy the book but need to search for it. For the love of Don and Rosie, I need to reread it.

Good night ppl. Signing off for the day, Shabba Kher.

Some promises to myself

  • Sleep on time.
  • Eat on time.
  • No matter what, tell yourself “I Love You” at the start and end of the day, everyday.
  • Make 2 lists everyday. One for work and other for life. Make them happen without killing yourself.
  • Watch a movie once a week and more than one if possible.
  • Whenever you think of suicide, think of maa, paa and chinnu. And about the wonderful life you could have lived if you have just learnt to live through.
  • Try to do some form of exercise everyday.
  • Do not sleep during the day. i.e. weekends. Visit atleast one new place every week.
  • Watch all those pending series.. only on weekdays huh!
  • Completely read one book every week and write a review on every Saturday.
  • You have a wonderful phone. Take advantage of it and make sure you click 2 pictures every day. One of yours and the other of Melbourne.
  • Fall in love with yourself and Melbourne again.
  • If shopping makes you feel better, do.  Splurging on yourself is so worth it.
  • Do atleast one online course a month. Doesn’t matter how small or big it is, just decide and do.
  • Start preparing your resume.
  • Update the LinkedIn profile.
  • Sit with Dad and do taxes. Learn about your financial worth.
  • Learn the art of investing.
  • Make bucket lists for life, for Melbourne, for everything that you can think of.
  • Accept your mistakes and learn to move forward.
  • Listen, no matter what, you are always worth someone’s time and love. And ofcourse, you are capable of loving someone.
  • It is okay to be selfish.
  • Understand that you can write the best story of your life only by living it wholeheartedly enjoying every moment of it.
  • Keep looking at this list as a reminder and work on it. Keep updating it whenever required.
  • Your goal in life is to be happy not just to be someone’s daughter or sister or wife or anything. 
  • It is okay to be different and thinking like this is NOT A MISTAKE.