Some feelings .. #1

Someone who’s very affectionate and who expresses their affection towards me. I love cuddling, hugging, and someone affectionately spooning my face and kissing me.

It must be the physical affection that I was deprived of since childhood that makes me crave for it, but if I ever have a partner, this is something that I need.

More than anything, I want to be with a kind, caring, affectionate and compassionate person who demonstrates his feelings towards me. There used to a time when intelligence attracted me, but now, I’m more into kind people. Intelligent people still attract me, but I often found out that most brainy people are arrogant. I later on realised that my type is emotionally intelligent, not just worldly intelligent who can earn money. It’s heart over brain for me and I heart feelings now πŸ˜‚.

This is no random post, this is something that I have always thought about on what I want or need from a partner. I just never had this level of clarity.

I now know that money, I can earn as much as I need and I can live with whatever I have without any regrets. And I’m getting there about not considering the physical attributes as some priority, but the qualities mentioned earlier, are a must and there’s no compromise there.

I’m just okay and good being on my own, living by myself and loving myself as much as I need, but if I ever find someone attractive enough to share this life with or carve some life together, then this would be my most important criteria.

Saying again, this is just my own monologue, something clicked in my head while doing something and realised that I’ll lose this if I didn’t pen it down now. I wanted to create a draft of it, but somehow I’m now convinced that this could be a post as well. So, that’s it πŸ‘»πŸ€.

I hope you’re all doing well and surviving this life in whichever way you can. Whatever the situation is, just take a breathe and live this minute, we can think about the next minute when we get there.. just live this minute in peace. That’s how I’m surviving.

Love, S

Blast from the past ….

Sometimes, I’m all well and sometimes I’m not, just like everyone else out there.

But at times, it is just difficult to be. And this is a picture of a note from a time when it was just unbearable, yet still the beginning of a long road of pain. I didn’t know of it then but writing down how I felt, sometimes helped.

So when it hurts like hell, find a vent… In whatever form you’d like it to be.

Just vent it all out and lighten your heart. πŸ–€πŸ–€

Expectations & Trials to not live up to them!..

All my life I have been burdened by expectations others had on me. I have either tried to live up to them OR ran away at the first chance I got. That’s the case with many but for me somehow, my life was/is defined by these attempts. Now, I seem to be facing a new version of this problem.

The expectations that I lived up to or tried my best to do so are those of my parents and those that came along with my job. I have been the proud daughter of my parents for a long long time, thanks to all that effort, whenever I took a turn that might lead to disappointment for them, I quickly changed course and was always successful to turn the tide. I did the same thing with my job. I worked extra hard than everyone else, to be the best. I know that though I may not be the most intelligent person in the room, I can always be the most hard working person and that it would almost always pay off. And owing it to my luck, my hard work have always paid off. Whenever I felt like I was lacking or getting complacent, I doubled down on my effort, learnt new things and bounced back to takeover the best spot. This attitude have always rewarded me with the best and made me confident about myself.

It also makes sense that at work, my value is determined by how well I perform or how good my results are. One thing I never understood is the feeling that I get/used to get at home. I felt as if our bests are appreciated and our worsts are mourned. I never get this. Isn’t the love of parents supposed to be unconditional? Shouldn’t they love us inspite and despite all our failures and disappointments? I know they love me, but why do I feel the disappointment they see in me, so strongly when I fail? Why do I have to live up to my parents expectations of what I am or what I can be! Just so that they’ll love me more? That’s crazy!..

I broke this chain of not disappointing them, when I decided to get a divorce. And I continue to do so by not giving up to their wish/demand to get married again, by leaving my longtime job, by not making any sensible choice ever since. I may continue to do so hereon, but the guilt of doing so and hurting them in the process, coexists. But the point is, I broke the chain and freed myself up.

The other scenario where I ran away from expectations, is/was with my relationships Aka romantic interests. I have been in a couple of serious relationships and a few more minor crush/not serious equations. Now that I recall how they went down, every single time, it is the same story. I got scared of the expectations they had from me and I ran away at the first chance I got. I hurt everyone in the process, including me.

No, I’m not regretting my choices. Given a chance, I may have tried to make my executions painless, but I’d act in similar fashion if placed in same situations. The one thing that I’m trying to understand from this case is, why do I get scared of expectations!.. Would it have been different if I put forth my limits first, thereby limiting the range of expectations they have or might have of me? OR maybe if I had done that, there wouldn’t be any relationships in the first place. Also, some limits are only understood when you are in the game. And I know what they say, open communication is the key to successful relationships. Then the question might be this, “why do I let myself get so affected by someone else’s expectations!.. it should be their problem to deal with and not mine”

I’m so closed in many ways that I don’t know how to open up and talk about this stuff in relationships. Anyways, this isn’t my biggest problem today and can always be revisited if and when I get into this mess again, which by the way is a long shot anyways.

Today’s problem is with the expectations I seem to have about myself. How do I live up to those? There’s no option to run away from myself!

At the moment, I’m doing nothing, out of fear of failing at what I may do! Which means I’m in the flight mode already and cannot be this way any longer. How do I get out of this rut and convince myself that no-game is equivalent to failure? How do I pick myself up and gather the courage to do something again? These expectations that I’m so afraid of, are these even mine? Do I have to succeed at everything I do? Can i not be a failure who failed trying instead of being the failure who never tried?

There must be a way to pick up the pieces and walk ahead. Life is about living and not just idling it away in the fear of failure. Haven’t I lived long and safe enough to risk it all atleast once? Why do I need to repeat the same mistakes of my parents. Let’s make new ones. Let’s risk it all.

I should learn not to measure my worth in terms of my expectations and achievements. I should measure myself in the efforts and hardwork I put in, on the path I paved for myself. Just like how I wanted my parents to love me despite my failures, and how I thought to not care about someone’s else’s expectations of me, I should do apply the same rules of love and ignoring expectations to myself.

Results are dependent on ten thousand things, while as efforts can be completely mine to own. To break the barrier of expectations and to set out, to achieve the frontiers I’ve never even dared to envision, should be my Moto.

😁.. it’s true what the saints say about us humans, listen to yourself, look carefully at yourself, you’ll have the answers that you’ve been searching for all along, within you.

πŸπŸ’œπŸ€πŸ’šπŸ’™β™₯οΈπŸ€ŽπŸ–€β˜˜οΈ

P.S: This is a post about myself written for me, like most of the posts on my blog are. Despite that, if you have managed to read this long story, thank you for walking through the realms of my mind. I understand that it can be tiring and so, I’m always grateful to people who try to peek into my brain & soul.

Let me tell you a secret now. Classic editor seems to appear by default when you type from your mobile app. Well, I can live with that for now!

One of those days

It is one of those days when I find the need to….

  • To shout or yell at someone loudly about everything
  • To want to pull someone close, hold their hand and tell them that I’m not okay and that I need help
  • To feel like I’m living in a body again not some rotten piece of meat
  • To feel alive and joyous in my heart
  • To be excited about everything I have and the energy to get what I don’t.
  • To feel healthy and happy in my mind, body and soul..

And finally, to want to live now…. and later one day far in the future, to die a peaceful death.

Hello There!

I know we all live in the same world and strangely under the same reality for the first time ever.

And I also know that it has been a long time since I posted anything here. But if you know anything about writing, you know how it is. You can only write when the mind wants to write. There is no forcing it or marching ahead no matter what. There is no other way around making one’s brain to write. So, it is the same case with me. Life got to me and I have been busy and with no space left in my brain to gather enough energy to write.

But I know I cannot stay away from this little space of mine forever and hence, here I am. So, whoever knows me, here’s a quick update and will get into the details of what all has been happening later.

I have been well and I hope you are all well and doing whatever is best for you in this situation.

Since I live in the capital city of a southern state of India and work in IT, I have been faring relatively well compared to the general population of the world. And I know that I shouldn’t complain, but I have worked 3 times more in the last 2 months than the entire Q4 of 2019-20. Partly because Q4 is usually filled with a lot of holidays and Corona has led to a lot more additional insecurity related to the Job resulting in me working harder than required. And since the last week, I have started going back to work after a long work from home period. It is not a choice and it could have been completely avoided for at least a couple more months but what can I do, I was asked to come back to the office and obliged after stalling it for 3 weeks. So, that’s that.

And before Coronavirus started its invasion, I was spending days miserably at work every day, just surviving week after week and filling weekends with endless chores and silently waiting for my bank balances to rise enough to help me make a move for my Melbourne plans. In a way, Coronavirus saved me from my depressing office setting. I wish I get to work from home for a couple more months. My productivity hit peaks during the last 2 months. I wish someone notices that and asks me to work from home for the rest of my life πŸ˜›Β  And my finances are a bit better now, with me reaching a break-even point in terms of expenses vs savings enough to survive me for a couple of years abroad. But now that we have new health scenarios in the picture, I realised that I also need to plan for health emergencies both for me and my family. It will be a few more months of toiling but I’m sure I can tolerate this job and frankly, I don’t have a lot of choices, with or without the world being this way.

And after surviving anonymity for a decade, I made a mistake last week of linking my newly created Instagram account for the blog with my personal account and it sent out notifications to everyone on my contact list. This stress caused due to this is equivalent to that of a heart attack and somehow I survived it by making the blog private for a while and deleting the said Instagram account.

To all my friends in this sphere, I hope you all are doing well in your lives and not hit by the covid19 pandemic. I would love to know that you are doing okay. Please stop by if you have a minute and drop me an email if you just want someone to talk to.

Love, Sahasra.

 

Day #0 : 23 March 2019

You know, I really thought this would be one wonderful trip. Counting them all together, this would be my 6th international tour. Of course, like every other time, I was scared of meeting a new client and making new mistakes 😱😜. But I was still excited as this is a short trip to a new city in South Africa and I’m going to meet the client that I’ve been dealing with for the past 1 year. It is through this client that I got to know some wonderful women that I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking to and working with. Each of them so different yet so similar in their strengths. They are people I aspire to be.

And when I was in this excited but nervous as hell state of mind, just one day before Day 0, things started piling up.

First among the lot is the ticket booking process itself. This is my first time booking an international flight on my own and my priority was to comfortably reach Capetown by Sunday and rest well before getting back to work. As a result of that, I happened to choose a very pricey flight which just made me feel really guilty. It took me a while to get used to the consequences of that choice of mine where I was my main priority. It took me a day but eventually I was fine with that choice but little did I know that it was just the beginning.

The new prospective client that I was working with since a month, suddenly decided to come down to our office and finalize our POC requirements. That too at the end of the week when I’m supposed to leave. It was one hell of a Thursday with that client and it was almost half past one on Friday when we’re done preparing their solution base. By then, I had asked my boss atleast a hundred times for permission to skip the next day’s meetings and take a day off for travel preparation. He finally said yes and I was just about to leave when I happened to notice that my visa only permitted 20 days of stay in South Africa but my booking is done for 23 days. By that time, I have already done my web check-in and this news came as a rude shock. It was a struggle to get that changed to fit in my visa permitted limit. So finally after endless option evaluation, we were able to prepone the return flight. But that was at an added charge.

And after that, I thought my troubles were now over and my trip finally started. But nah, little did I know how gravely mistaken I was! After a hectic day of endless chores and tasks, I was finally at the airport at around 12:30 for a 4 am flight. For the first time in my life, I was 3.5 hours early for a flight and yet I couldn’t board it. Yeah, they said that there was some issue with the booking and my ticket had been cancelled. Yet, no one, not the airline or the travel company, no one thought of informing me. Instead, I was provided with a ticket copy and a boarding pass. Remember, I did the check-in before my 2nd disaster. My 2nd disaster is the reason to my 3rd. At the airport, while I was waiting with my loaded bags to do my check-in formalities, I was told that I had no flight to catch! The flight my office paid a bomb for, the flight I cancelled client meetings for, the flight that made me take a day off after pleading my manager for like a thousand times, the flight I spent an entire day prepping for, was just not there anymore. I was standing at that travel company kiosk waiting for the guy over the counter to talk to me and staring at the very real possibility of a trip cancellation. After 2 hours of endless discussions that seemed like forever, I was finally told that it might be their mistake and the update done to my earlier booking might have knocked off one of the connecting flights due to which my booking became kindoff useless. I was asked to wait until 3 in the morning until the flight boarding closes to confirm that there’s no seat on the plane, which turned useless. It was around 4 when the travel kiosk guy confirmed my new flight tickets late at night on the same day, some 12 hours away.

Thank god, all of this happened in my home city and I have a home to go back to after the mess. Now that I think back, it is not just the situation with the flight that made it so difficult but the entire week. It is amazing how certain days can still get on my nerves even after 9 years in this job.

So, that’s Day 0 even though I was still in India by the end of it 😁.

Woah, it’s been 7 years!

I woke up to a notification from WordPress that I have joined word press 7 years ago. 7 years is a really long time for anything. I’m so proud that throughout all my ups and downs, this little space has been there for me. I have people who built my morale when I was feeling terribly low and there were warm cheers from someone I admire on my achievements. It has been a wonderful journey.

My life has not always been rosy and beautiful. It has its own dark moments and bright mornings. A lot happened in these past 7 years. In 2010, I joined the job that I’m still doing. Started off as a trainee and is now leading my own team. Moved from a small town to a big city. Travelled overseas for the first time and many times later. Met so many wonderful people and made amazing friends. Crushed on friends, colleagues, lost loves and finally ended up marrying a stranger. Got married and divorced in a span of 2 years. Went into the depths of depression and still hurdling many steps to get better every day. From being the healthiest person in the lot, turned into the most fragile person of the lot. Have grown from overweight to obese. Moved from tiny, unventilated, dirty hostels to my own apartment(albeit rented). Graduated from being a maggie-cook to someone who dishes out miracles. Fell in love, fell out of love, is still a confused crazy person when it comes to the matters of the heart. Loved my job, hated the same job and went equally crazy about the idiots and geniuses at work. I first started the blog on Blogspot and then after a year or so, moved to WordPress.

Like I always wanted, this blog is completely about me. Everything about me, related to me, thoughts that I thought, feelings felt, this place covered almost every emotion I have ever felt. Though the long breaks in between fail to cover some episodes of my life, they are either too good or too bad to be written or remembered via a blog. I always have a storm going on in my head. The waves and ripples of all those thoughts that I struggle to keep track of are all in there. I sometimes do wish that I had a peaceful head. But no, I am what I am and I gotta deal with what I got. That is how this space was born, as a place to put my thoughts, that helps me with some clarity. Not sure if that really happened, but this place is really like my best friend that I share my deepest secrets with. Really dark and deepest of the secrets end up either in drafts or as private posts. But in any case, I write. One of the biggest gifts this blog has ever given me is the art and skill of writing. Throughout the years, I realised that it is not just wine that gets better with time. It is the same with writing too. I developed a style and method. I do fewer mistakes and I now have the skill of conclusion. Though I’m too dark and depressing to read, my prose is readable now. It was no less of a skill and as I understood my journey, I ended up less judgemental of what others wrote or did or said. That’s because I have come to understand that every person is a work in progress and there is no point in judging anyone for anything except living our own life freeing a little space in the brain for things we love from all the judgemental stuff.

At this point, I learn a lot every day and still struggle to just survive. My health is at its worst and my brain is just back in recovery. I realised that I have an innate disdain for pretentious people and that I should go easy on others stupidity as I myself is stupid in many areas. And that if I don’t want to be pretentious, then I have to be better at everything I do and be in a position that I don’t have to be pretentious and/or tolerate someone as such. This decade has seen a big reverse V in my life where I started with nothing and end with nothing and is now in process of climbing back that steep uphill again.

With all said and written, I can only be thankful for this place, life and everything that came along. I spent a decade, the best time of my life on a job that I never really understood and with people I may never see again. I can now only hope that I make my thirties a better decade and something I would want to fondly recall one day. πŸ™‚

Thank you πŸ™‚

Certain Moments

That moment when you know in your heart that you don’t want to live anymore but is too scared to die or worse, too sacred that you might do something to die and you cannot tell anyone you love about this, as it might hurt them, but you still feel like screaming on top of your lungs that you want to die or no longer want to live.

I don’t know why the hell is this so confusing!

It is the same at work. My manager doesn’t give me any work and I mostly get work from a different manager who is a step above my manager, which is kind of a good thing. But when I don’t feel like working at all or have stopped working for days and when no one cares or doesn’t care to realise that I am not working, it feels worse. I know I’m not working for them or their reactions but why do I still seek validation. Why did I feel worse that they gave me a huge raise when I wasn’t satisfied with my own performance. They praised me that I’ve been doing wonderful work and have been successfully managing a huge client and keeping them happy and that I’ve risen up to every challenge thay I was presented with, be it training and building a new team or holding fort when they needed. But why do I feel that I’m not worthy of all that praise. Why the hell do I feel guilty about taking money from a company that I’ve spent my entire twenties serving!

Why the hell did I ask my senior manager about why he doesn’t complain or raise any issues. I didn’t specifically say, “about me!”. But any 2nd statement on that would’ve made that clear to him. I just lucked out that someone walked in right at that moment saving me from any further self-destructive art work. In this exact moment when I write that I’m saved from a disaster, I also feel that I should’ve continued with the discussion and taken my chances and discuss my questions about work!

Why the hell is everything so complicated to me. To die or not die, to work or not work, to take a home loan or not to, to talk or not to talk and hell, to think or not to think.

In this exact moment, I feel so worthless and useless that I can call myself the most self loathing creature on this planet. I just wonder where all that selfish self love was? Just vanished into thin air? Puff?

Curator Series #5: (Not a) Superwoman

Behind a Superwoman

A friend asked me this morning, on what was the problem I had with my husband. His intention was to really understand what my issue was and how it got that bad. Please don’t mistake him for the prying neighbourly aunty. He is someone who accepted me for what I am and gave me the benefit of doubt in every situation even though he disagreed with some of my views. He’s been my rock solid support system who accepted my friendship with my flaws.

For someone like him, I was and will always be ready to explain. He knew that I am in a safe place now and can answer questions like these and hence the question. Since he knows most of the inbetween and after story content, I explained him in simple words when an article in my notes popped up with the super woman topic. He is in the middle of the arranged marriage process and wanted to know how he can try to not repeat my mistake. So, this was my answer to him. Earlier this morning when we spoke, I couldn’t put my thoughts together to explain him clearly, but when I came across this article while going through my posts, I thought this would help me to tell my point in a better and easy way.

So, here it is. The story of a superwoman and who’s behind her. Please note that this article is from womens web by Tanvi Sinha.

https://www.womensweb.in/2017/05/behind-every-superwoman-inconsiderate-man/

And this is my conclusion to my rant.

Most men and women around me are that way(Super woman and Bittu Bhaiyya) and that is why many don’t think it is a problem. But to me it is. That is how I was different or in popular terms, the odd or weird one.

It took me a while and many a depressed bouts to realise that being different from others or expecting different things from others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I still deserve my happiness and that I’m not a bad or terrible person to choose my happiness.

Anyone who’s following might be wondering why I’m writing all these posts now. It’s just me venting out whatever bitterness is left in me and in process paving way to a new life. I’m breathing, getting better and finding myself again. This s an attempt at decluttering my brain and collections as well. Well anyways, my blog has always been about me. I’m a narc that way.

So, here’s my curator series post of the day. Thank you for reading πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—.

A few questions and a lot of answers.

I’m a confused soul and have always been. I overthink a lot and get into panic mode very often. The most common thing that I would do on a regular workday is to work for a few hours and then google something and wind up in a rabbit-hole of articles or encyclopedias of information or blogs. I do feel guilty for wasting time at work but just can’t help it as I’ve always been the type to get distracted by the smallest of things. My mind just cannot concentrate on one thing at a time or worse one thing for long. So, I keep losing my train of thoughts most often and keep jumping into one thought from another. So in all that jumping and hopping, I ended up reading answers on Quora and found this as an answer to respecting spouses. The Quoran who answered this intended this to be a questionnaire to see at what level the seeker is at in their relationship.

I just thought, with all my confusing thoughts and feelings, I should answer it for myself.

  • Do you respect each other?
  • I respect him as a human being and so does he but the kind of respect that exists between a wife and a husband didn’t exist. My POV is that I couldn’t respect someone who failed to treat me as his equal. I know that he is not being that way on purpose but he is wired that way. In his brain it is okay for men to be superior to women as that’s all he has seen his entire life and he is okay with that status quo while I’m not.

  • Do you find each other physically attractive or repulsive?
  • In my short lived marriage, I was talked into a physical relationship when I wasn’t mentally ready for it. I know I was equally deserving of blame as I put my physcial interest over my mental status. Even though we had a few good moments in between, my self guilt and a weird hatred for him started popping up. That made any minor issue a major deal breaker to me. His extensive sweating, body odour issues, bathroom habits, living habits etc contributed to me being physically repulsive to him.

  • Do you care for each other?
  • By the time we spoke about divorce, I lost all sense of empathy for him and looking at his behaviour, I think it is the same case with him too.

  • Are your expectations compatible?
  • No. He is too ambitious while I limit my ambition just enough to be comfortable and secure in life. I value quiet, serene life while he is a nervous, insecure splash. The biggest misunderstanding between us is about your expectations from life. I seem ambitious on the cover but not in reality. I just am too independent and opinionated which came across as ambition to him.

  • Do you flirt with each other?
  • Maybe, a couple of times in the early days of marriage, but not more than that. I became too guarded and hurt his ego one too many times for him to initiate flirting. And any harshness from him resulted in me shutting down completely.

  • Do you spend quality time together?
  • Our quality times are filled with ego matches and pissing contests that rarely resulted in affection.

  • Do you share hobbies or like the same kind of activities?
  • We are poles apart and rarely had anything in common. More over, the one thing we had in common was movies and as time passed, I hated doing anything with him and ended up not watching a movie in 6 months of living together.

  • Find out what it is that would make you feel loved. Talk about it. Stay positive.
  • In retrospect, I think the biggest problem between us is that I couldn’t get myself to love him for what he is. I know many who would say, you need to respect and love your husband since you choose to be in this marriage all by yourself. Well, I agree that it is my choice. But it is an ill-informed choice made in a day, which was a terrible lapse of judgement on my part. I just couldn’t get myself to accept the man he is and it made me terribly unhappy, guilty and depressed. So trust me when I say, when a person is depressed, unhappy, guilt-ridden, pushed into a corner and sick, there is no scope to retain any positivity into that life unless the whole situation changes. I was suicidal, rude, arrogant, sick and one hell of a crack when I was in that phase. I cannot tell you how many horrible thoughts crossed my head during that period. I was a horrible human being, I knew of the monster i’ve turned into and was lost on a collision course, and the more I tried, the more I went deeper into that abyss and I just couldn’t get back to being myself.

  • You may never β€˜fall in love’, but perhaps you will find that your husband is lovable, and start loving him, and he may start loving you, as you dream about it.
  • I cannot tell you how many people told me this. But neither of us are patient enough for us to love each other the way we deserved.

If there is anything my broken marriage has ever taught me, it is one thing. Never underestimate the power of human heart and brain. The depths that they can show you, are just amazing and equally scary. I was in my own mental abyss and my body started decaying one piece at a time.

The only decision of my life that is completely mine, is to get a divorce. It was such a pain in the heart, it hurt our families like hell, it was a torment to everyone involved, but ultimately it was my decision about my life. Look at me now, my physical issues can be scaled 90, were now at some 30 and mentally, I was at peace. I still have anxiety attacks, go into panic modes and turn suicidal once in a while. But that’s not the constant in my life as it used to be. Today, my constant is that I’m not working as efficiently as I should and how I should be improving that. The pain, the struggle is no longer that intense.

I’m sure one day, I will find myself again. Laugh in the rain again and love someone as much as I love myself.