Hello There!

I know we all live in the same world and strangely under the same reality for the first time ever.

And I also know that it has been a long time since I posted anything here. But if you know anything about writing, you know how it is. You can only write when the mind wants to write. There is no forcing it or marching ahead no matter what. There is no other way around making one’s brain to write. So, it is the same case with me. Life got to me and I have been busy and with no space left in my brain to gather enough energy to write.

But I know I cannot stay away from this little space of mine forever and hence, here I am. So, whoever knows me, here’s a quick update and will get into the details of what all has been happening later.

I have been well and I hope you are all well and doing whatever is best for you in this situation.

Since I live in the capital city of a southern state of India and work in IT, I have been faring relatively well compared to the general population of the world. And I know that I shouldn’t complain, but I have worked 3 times more in the last 2 months than the entire Q4 of 2019-20. Partly because Q4 is usually filled with a lot of holidays and Corona has led to a lot more additional insecurity related to the Job resulting in me working harder than required. And since the last week, I have started going back to work after a long work from home period. It is not a choice and it could have been completely avoided for at least a couple more months but what can I do, I was asked to come back to the office and obliged after stalling it for 3 weeks. So, that’s that.

And before Coronavirus started its invasion, I was spending days miserably at work every day, just surviving week after week and filling weekends with endless chores and silently waiting for my bank balances to rise enough to help me make a move for my Melbourne plans. In a way, Coronavirus saved me from my depressing office setting. I wish I get to work from home for a couple more months. My productivity hit peaks during the last 2 months. I wish someone notices that and asks me to work from home for the rest of my life πŸ˜›Β  And my finances are a bit better now, with me reaching a break-even point in terms of expenses vs savings enough to survive me for a couple of years abroad. But now that we have new health scenarios in the picture, I realised that I also need to plan for health emergencies both for me and my family. It will be a few more months of toiling but I’m sure I can tolerate this job and frankly, I don’t have a lot of choices, with or without the world being this way.

And after surviving anonymity for a decade, I made a mistake last week of linking my newly created Instagram account for the blog with my personal account and it sent out notifications to everyone on my contact list. This stress caused due to this is equivalent to that of a heart attack and somehow I survived it by making the blog private for a while and deleting the said Instagram account.

To all my friends in this sphere, I hope you all are doing well in your lives and not hit by the covid19 pandemic. I would love to know that you are doing okay. Please stop by if you have a minute and drop me an email if you just want someone to talk to.

Love, Sahasra.

 

Day #0 : 23 March 2019

You know, I really thought this would be one wonderful trip. Counting them all together, this would be my 6th international tour. Of course, like every other time, I was scared of meeting a new client and making new mistakes 😱😜. But I was still excited as this is a short trip to a new city in South Africa and I’m going to meet the client that I’ve been dealing with for the past 1 year. It is through this client that I got to know some wonderful women that I’ve ever had the pleasure of speaking to and working with. Each of them so different yet so similar in their strengths. They are people I aspire to be.

And when I was in this excited but nervous as hell state of mind, just one day before Day 0, things started piling up.

First among the lot is the ticket booking process itself. This is my first time booking an international flight on my own and my priority was to comfortably reach Capetown by Sunday and rest well before getting back to work. As a result of that, I happened to choose a very pricey flight which just made me feel really guilty. It took me a while to get used to the consequences of that choice of mine where I was my main priority. It took me a day but eventually I was fine with that choice but little did I know that it was just the beginning.

The new prospective client that I was working with since a month, suddenly decided to come down to our office and finalize our POC requirements. That too at the end of the week when I’m supposed to leave. It was one hell of a Thursday with that client and it was almost half past one on Friday when we’re done preparing their solution base. By then, I had asked my boss atleast a hundred times for permission to skip the next day’s meetings and take a day off for travel preparation. He finally said yes and I was just about to leave when I happened to notice that my visa only permitted 20 days of stay in South Africa but my booking is done for 23 days. By that time, I have already done my web check-in and this news came as a rude shock. It was a struggle to get that changed to fit in my visa permitted limit. So finally after endless option evaluation, we were able to prepone the return flight. But that was at an added charge.

And after that, I thought my troubles were now over and my trip finally started. But nah, little did I know how gravely mistaken I was! After a hectic day of endless chores and tasks, I was finally at the airport at around 12:30 for a 4 am flight. For the first time in my life, I was 3.5 hours early for a flight and yet I couldn’t board it. Yeah, they said that there was some issue with the booking and my ticket had been cancelled. Yet, no one, not the airline or the travel company, no one thought of informing me. Instead, I was provided with a ticket copy and a boarding pass. Remember, I did the check-in before my 2nd disaster. My 2nd disaster is the reason to my 3rd. At the airport, while I was waiting with my loaded bags to do my check-in formalities, I was told that I had no flight to catch! The flight my office paid a bomb for, the flight I cancelled client meetings for, the flight that made me take a day off after pleading my manager for like a thousand times, the flight I spent an entire day prepping for, was just not there anymore. I was standing at that travel company kiosk waiting for the guy over the counter to talk to me and staring at the very real possibility of a trip cancellation. After 2 hours of endless discussions that seemed like forever, I was finally told that it might be their mistake and the update done to my earlier booking might have knocked off one of the connecting flights due to which my booking became kindoff useless. I was asked to wait until 3 in the morning until the flight boarding closes to confirm that there’s no seat on the plane, which turned useless. It was around 4 when the travel kiosk guy confirmed my new flight tickets late at night on the same day, some 12 hours away.

Thank god, all of this happened in my home city and I have a home to go back to after the mess. Now that I think back, it is not just the situation with the flight that made it so difficult but the entire week. It is amazing how certain days can still get on my nerves even after 9 years in this job.

So, that’s Day 0 even though I was still in India by the end of it 😁.

Woah, it’s been 7 years!

I woke up to a notification from WordPress that I have joined word press 7 years ago. 7 years is a really long time for anything. I’m so proud that throughout all my ups and downs, this little space has been there for me. I have people who built my morale when I was feeling terribly low and there were warm cheers from someone I admire on my achievements. It has been a wonderful journey.

My life has not always been rosy and beautiful. It has its own dark moments and bright mornings. A lot happened in these past 7 years. In 2010, I joined the job that I’m still doing. Started off as a trainee and is now leading my own team. Moved from a small town to a big city. Travelled overseas for the first time and many times later. Met so many wonderful people and made amazing friends. Crushed on friends, colleagues, lost loves and finally ended up marrying a stranger. Got married and divorced in a span of 2 years. Went into the depths of depression and still hurdling many steps to get better every day. From being the healthiest person in the lot, turned into the most fragile person of the lot. Have grown from overweight to obese. Moved from tiny, unventilated, dirty hostels to my own apartment(albeit rented). Graduated from being a maggie-cook to someone who dishes out miracles. Fell in love, fell out of love, is still a confused crazy person when it comes to the matters of the heart. Loved my job, hated the same job and went equally crazy about the idiots and geniuses at work. I first started the blog on Blogspot and then after a year or so, moved to WordPress.

Like I always wanted, this blog is completely about me. Everything about me, related to me, thoughts that I thought, feelings felt, this place covered almost every emotion I have ever felt. Though the long breaks in between fail to cover some episodes of my life, they are either too good or too bad to be written or remembered via a blog. I always have a storm going on in my head. The waves and ripples of all those thoughts that I struggle to keep track of are all in there. I sometimes do wish that I had a peaceful head. But no, I am what I am and I gotta deal with what I got. That is how this space was born, as a place to put my thoughts, that helps me with some clarity. Not sure if that really happened, but this place is really like my best friend that I share my deepest secrets with. Really dark and deepest of the secrets end up either in drafts or as private posts. But in any case, I write. One of the biggest gifts this blog has ever given me is the art and skill of writing. Throughout the years, I realised that it is not just wine that gets better with time. It is the same with writing too. I developed a style and method. I do fewer mistakes and I now have the skill of conclusion. Though I’m too dark and depressing to read, my prose is readable now. It was no less of a skill and as I understood my journey, I ended up less judgemental of what others wrote or did or said. That’s because I have come to understand that every person is a work in progress and there is no point in judging anyone for anything except living our own life freeing a little space in the brain for things we love from all the judgemental stuff.

At this point, I learn a lot every day and still struggle to just survive. My health is at its worst and my brain is just back in recovery. I realised that I have an innate disdain for pretentious people and that I should go easy on others stupidity as I myself is stupid in many areas. And that if I don’t want to be pretentious, then I have to be better at everything I do and be in a position that I don’t have to be pretentious and/or tolerate someone as such. This decade has seen a big reverse V in my life where I started with nothing and end with nothing and is now in process of climbing back that steep uphill again.

With all said and written, I can only be thankful for this place, life and everything that came along. I spent a decade, the best time of my life on a job that I never really understood and with people I may never see again. I can now only hope that I make my thirties a better decade and something I would want to fondly recall one day. πŸ™‚

Thank you πŸ™‚

Certain Moments

That moment when you know in your heart that you don’t want to live anymore but is too scared to die or worse, too sacred that you might do something to die and you cannot tell anyone you love about this, as it might hurt them, but you still feel like screaming on top of your lungs that you want to die or no longer want to live.

I don’t know why the hell is this so confusing!

It is the same at work. My manager doesn’t give me any work and I mostly get work from a different manager who is a step above my manager, which is kind of a good thing. But when I don’t feel like working at all or have stopped working for days and when no one cares or doesn’t care to realise that I am not working, it feels worse. I know I’m not working for them or their reactions but why do I still seek validation. Why did I feel worse that they gave me a huge raise when I wasn’t satisfied with my own performance. They praised me that I’ve been doing wonderful work and have been successfully managing a huge client and keeping them happy and that I’ve risen up to every challenge thay I was presented with, be it training and building a new team or holding fort when they needed. But why do I feel that I’m not worthy of all that praise. Why the hell do I feel guilty about taking money from a company that I’ve spent my entire twenties serving!

Why the hell did I ask my senior manager about why he doesn’t complain or raise any issues. I didn’t specifically say, “about me!”. But any 2nd statement on that would’ve made that clear to him. I just lucked out that someone walked in right at that moment saving me from any further self-destructive art work. In this exact moment when I write that I’m saved from a disaster, I also feel that I should’ve continued with the discussion and taken my chances and discuss my questions about work!

Why the hell is everything so complicated to me. To die or not die, to work or not work, to take a home loan or not to, to talk or not to talk and hell, to think or not to think.

In this exact moment, I feel so worthless and useless that I can call myself the most self loathing creature on this planet. I just wonder where all that selfish self love was? Just vanished into thin air? Puff?

Curator Series #5: (Not a) Superwoman

Behind a Superwoman

A friend asked me this morning, on what was the problem I had with my husband. His intention was to really understand what my issue was and how it got that bad. Please don’t mistake him for the prying neighbourly aunty. He is someone who accepted me for what I am and gave me the benefit of doubt in every situation even though he disagreed with some of my views. He’s been my rock solid support system who accepted my friendship with my flaws.

For someone like him, I was and will always be ready to explain. He knew that I am in a safe place now and can answer questions like these and hence the question. Since he knows most of the inbetween and after story content, I explained him in simple words when an article in my notes popped up with the super woman topic. He is in the middle of the arranged marriage process and wanted to know how he can try to not repeat my mistake. So, this was my answer to him. Earlier this morning when we spoke, I couldn’t put my thoughts together to explain him clearly, but when I came across this article while going through my posts, I thought this would help me to tell my point in a better and easy way.

So, here it is. The story of a superwoman and who’s behind her. Please note that this article is from womens web by Tanvi Sinha.

https://www.womensweb.in/2017/05/behind-every-superwoman-inconsiderate-man/

And this is my conclusion to my rant.

Most men and women around me are that way(Super woman and Bittu Bhaiyya) and that is why many don’t think it is a problem. But to me it is. That is how I was different or in popular terms, the odd or weird one.

It took me a while and many a depressed bouts to realise that being different from others or expecting different things from others isn’t necessarily a bad thing. I still deserve my happiness and that I’m not a bad or terrible person to choose my happiness.

Anyone who’s following might be wondering why I’m writing all these posts now. It’s just me venting out whatever bitterness is left in me and in process paving way to a new life. I’m breathing, getting better and finding myself again. This s an attempt at decluttering my brain and collections as well. Well anyways, my blog has always been about me. I’m a narc that way.

So, here’s my curator series post of the day. Thank you for reading πŸ˜ŠπŸ€—.

A few questions and a lot of answers.

I’m a confused soul and have always been. I overthink a lot and get into panic mode very often. The most common thing that I would do on a regular workday is to work for a few hours and then google something and wind up in a rabbit-hole of articles or encyclopedias of information or blogs. I do feel guilty for wasting time at work but just can’t help it as I’ve always been the type to get distracted by the smallest of things. My mind just cannot concentrate on one thing at a time or worse one thing for long. So, I keep losing my train of thoughts most often and keep jumping into one thought from another. So in all that jumping and hopping, I ended up reading answers on Quora and found this as an answer to respecting spouses. The Quoran who answered this intended this to be a questionnaire to see at what level the seeker is at in their relationship.

I just thought, with all my confusing thoughts and feelings, I should answer it for myself.

  • Do you respect each other?
  • I respect him as a human being and so does he but the kind of respect that exists between a wife and a husband didn’t exist. My POV is that I couldn’t respect someone who failed to treat me as his equal. I know that he is not being that way on purpose but he is wired that way. In his brain it is okay for men to be superior to women as that’s all he has seen his entire life and he is okay with that status quo while I’m not.

  • Do you find each other physically attractive or repulsive?
  • In my short lived marriage, I was talked into a physical relationship when I wasn’t mentally ready for it. I know I was equally deserving of blame as I put my physcial interest over my mental status. Even though we had a few good moments in between, my self guilt and a weird hatred for him started popping up. That made any minor issue a major deal breaker to me. His extensive sweating, body odour issues, bathroom habits, living habits etc contributed to me being physically repulsive to him.

  • Do you care for each other?
  • By the time we spoke about divorce, I lost all sense of empathy for him and looking at his behaviour, I think it is the same case with him too.

  • Are your expectations compatible?
  • No. He is too ambitious while I limit my ambition just enough to be comfortable and secure in life. I value quiet, serene life while he is a nervous, insecure splash. The biggest misunderstanding between us is about your expectations from life. I seem ambitious on the cover but not in reality. I just am too independent and opinionated which came across as ambition to him.

  • Do you flirt with each other?
  • Maybe, a couple of times in the early days of marriage, but not more than that. I became too guarded and hurt his ego one too many times for him to initiate flirting. And any harshness from him resulted in me shutting down completely.

  • Do you spend quality time together?
  • Our quality times are filled with ego matches and pissing contests that rarely resulted in affection.

  • Do you share hobbies or like the same kind of activities?
  • We are poles apart and rarely had anything in common. More over, the one thing we had in common was movies and as time passed, I hated doing anything with him and ended up not watching a movie in 6 months of living together.

  • Find out what it is that would make you feel loved. Talk about it. Stay positive.
  • In retrospect, I think the biggest problem between us is that I couldn’t get myself to love him for what he is. I know many who would say, you need to respect and love your husband since you choose to be in this marriage all by yourself. Well, I agree that it is my choice. But it is an ill-informed choice made in a day, which was a terrible lapse of judgement on my part. I just couldn’t get myself to accept the man he is and it made me terribly unhappy, guilty and depressed. So trust me when I say, when a person is depressed, unhappy, guilt-ridden, pushed into a corner and sick, there is no scope to retain any positivity into that life unless the whole situation changes. I was suicidal, rude, arrogant, sick and one hell of a crack when I was in that phase. I cannot tell you how many horrible thoughts crossed my head during that period. I was a horrible human being, I knew of the monster i’ve turned into and was lost on a collision course, and the more I tried, the more I went deeper into that abyss and I just couldn’t get back to being myself.

  • You may never β€˜fall in love’, but perhaps you will find that your husband is lovable, and start loving him, and he may start loving you, as you dream about it.
  • I cannot tell you how many people told me this. But neither of us are patient enough for us to love each other the way we deserved.

If there is anything my broken marriage has ever taught me, it is one thing. Never underestimate the power of human heart and brain. The depths that they can show you, are just amazing and equally scary. I was in my own mental abyss and my body started decaying one piece at a time.

The only decision of my life that is completely mine, is to get a divorce. It was such a pain in the heart, it hurt our families like hell, it was a torment to everyone involved, but ultimately it was my decision about my life. Look at me now, my physical issues can be scaled 90, were now at some 30 and mentally, I was at peace. I still have anxiety attacks, go into panic modes and turn suicidal once in a while. But that’s not the constant in my life as it used to be. Today, my constant is that I’m not working as efficiently as I should and how I should be improving that. The pain, the struggle is no longer that intense.

I’m sure one day, I will find myself again. Laugh in the rain again and love someone as much as I love myself.

A good weekend #1

I wish there were more of these. It was in no way perfect but it was a good weekend.

I got a few pending things done, I did some physical activity, I finished a drama, I ended up getting some quality sleep eve though it is just for a couple of hours midday on a full stomach. Most importantly, I managed to converse with my neighbours and also enjoyed my seclusion. I was listening to music and stocked & prepped for the week.

Well, there are many other things that I had wanted to do, like, doing a little reading, writing something, getting some office work done, finishing a course, dusting the bike and riding it, going for a walk and sleeping on time. But like I said, despite of all the things that I didn’t do, this weekend feels like a success as I did my best and rested when I was tired and depressed. I wish the week goes smooth too.

There are a few things I want to accomplish this week but irrespective of checking the items on the list, I also want to end the week in a better or if it permits, in a happy mood.

So, here’s the things for the week to just make it do.

1. Work diligently without getting distracted at work.

2. Sleep early and wake up early.

3. Eat well and eat healthy.

4. Not to stress out about things that didn’t work out, both at work and at home.

5. Talk more often with friends and family.

6. Get some exercise, in whichever way you can.

7. Most importantly, smile a lot.

8. Do one thing that helps you with your future.

When doing a lot seems to be impossible, just doing the minimal, should do.

Why be unhappy about not being able to do a tonne? Just do the needful at the moment and slowly work your way through the rest. This is my motto these days. I’m just getting by, one minute at a time and one day at a time.

Signing of for the day, and looking forward to a great week ahead 😊😎.

Unexpected

I have had a great Monday despite the travel blues and a sleepless night the day before. It wasn’t perfect but was satisfactory. Then came Tuesday which turned out to be the worst of its kind in every possible way.

This morning, when I woke up, I told myself to do something good today. But one thing after the other kept going wrong. I still did not lose it. I still wanted to make it right. I wanted to finish atleast 4 pending tasks at work and call it a good work day. And most importantly, I did not want to distract myself with anything at work (writing, reading, watching) like I did yesterday. I still had my spirits up.

And then came the surprise when I booked a cab to go to the office. As soon as I boarded it, a wave of chilling cold air with a pleasant fragrance hit me. It is AC in combination with Lady Gaga Fame perfume. It is just amazing. It instantly triggered memories of Melbourne. I wondered if I’ll ever let Melbourne go. It reminded me of my love for the city. The chilly winters spent there, on the roads, in the rain, in the parks on sunny days, the music on the roads, those trams, that cold air that hits you when you go out of the airport for the first time, the city’s hustle, the silent suburbs, the peaceful ocean and the amazing skyline. The city that sounds happy on a Monday morning and also stays calm in its own way. It is my kind of city where you can enjoy to the fullest and yet be a silent watcher. I just cannot love it enough.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live in that city but I desperately want to. I spent an year confused on what path I should choose. The Masters route or the PR through work route. I might be eligible for both and since I have enough experience and qualifications. The work route might be the easiest one but I desparately want a break from this work and I’m scared of taking a huge study loan for masters. And then there are other things to decide like, MS or MBA and if so where and what specialisation must I choose. I also have worries on the what ifs of me not succeeding or just not being good enough for that life.

I just don’t understand why I’m so confused and why is it so difficult for me to choose. But there is one thing that is sure from what I felt today. Melbourne will have to be a part of my life plans in whichever way possible. Even if I have to bet my entire savings and start afresh. I’ll have to be there at any cost. And now it is time to decide the how’s of it.

I never expected something simple to make me so determined. I’ll need to stay put on the thought and work this out. First things first, I need to finish the pending tasks at work and mark my first success of the day and then venture out. If you set your mind on it, nothing is impossible. Not even your ever distracting mind is unbeatable. While mind over matter is a thing, mind over mind is what I need to practice and succeed today.

Have a great day 😎.

Curator series #3 – Peanut chutney

Verusenaga pachadi recipe

Pan fry green chillies – 5 to 6 and then fry a quarter cup of groundnuts in the same pan.
They can be fried together as well but make sure they do not get burnt.

Once fried enough, take them off the stove and let the contents cool.

Once cooled off, transfer the contents to a mixer jar and add 1 garlic clove, some dried coconut, a very small piece of tamarind, salt, jeelakarra(cumin) and grind them all into a thick paste.

This mixture can be stored in refrigerator and can be stored for 3 to 4 days.

Add water to the paste to get required consistency before serving.

Tempering is optional and not mandatory.

πŸ˜†πŸ˜€πŸ˜πŸ˜‚

Well, that’s me laughing. Never even in my dreams have I ever thought that I would be posting a recipe on my blog. That’s not because it is wrong but because of how great I am at cooking πŸ˜‹. I’m not a chef or even home cook. I’m just a cooking enthusiastic. I don’t even know if I can be called so. Though I’m always excited about cooking, I’m just not confident enough to treat anyone. I can safely say that I cook enough to survive and cooking is a stress buster to me. I cannot tell you how proud I feel when I cook something delicious. That somehow gives me the feeling that I’m on the top of the world. I know it is a bit of an exaggeration but that is really how it feels when I see yummy food entirely made by me.

On the other hand, my mum, my grand mother and my jejamma, all have been excellent cooks. They make amazing things out of the simplest of ingredients. While I can never cook like them, I do try to. Now that I don’t have my jejamma and ammamma to learn from, my mother is my only direct teacher apart from internet. I now wish I had learnt cooking in my growing up years when my jeji was alive. Apart from the day to day food, I used to get containers filled with home made snacks for my hostel dwellings. Aah, those memories 😍.

Not being able to tend to her in her last years is one of my biggest regrets in life. I got so much from her but couldn’t give her anything back. I wish I had given her my time. I wish I had taken a year off and spent time with her. Just imagine how much I could’ve learnt. She lived for about 80 years. Decades of knowledge lost in transition. I wish I made her a priority and took care of her when she needed us the most. Maybe, our love and care might have added a year or two to her life.

I will never repeat the same mistake with my parents. I will be there for them whenever they need me. No matter how hard it gets and how annoyed i feel or how much our differences grow, I’ll make myself available for them.

And on a lighter note, I also try to learn a thing or two from Mum every now and then. I write down recipes that she explains me on phone and then try them out. So, this is what I found today on my notes and so shared it here as a part of my curator series.

In a life filled with memories, food makes so many that even tera bytes seem less to frame them all in words β˜ΊοΈπŸ˜šπŸ€—πŸ˜.

Curator series #2 – Birthday Memories

Curator series #2 – Birthday Memories

When I think of birthdays, the first thing that comes to my mind is the birthday that I spent in office for the whole day and then met my 3 besties for dinner. It was nothing big or great but just some cake and dinner at a tacky restaurant. But those were my happy memories with people who genuinely loved me and befriended me for what I am despite knowing all my flaws and claws. They were all too busy people working full-time like me and some even in shifts. Yet, they gave me some time of their life which left me with memories that I will cherish forever. Thank you and Love you guys. My only regret is that I wish i had spent more quality time with you. Now that we are all in different parts of the world, it leaves me wondering, have i been a good friend to you all as you have been to me? I hope so.

And you, the guy who loved me with all my deficiencies, I don’t know if i have ever loved you, but i know this for sure that I cared for you like i did for none. Being the girl who never wanted to leave home on her birthday, who wanted to stay at home with Mom n Pop at all costs on all birthdays, i travelled on those stupid village buses for 3 hours only to let you have a glimpse of me on my birthday. And oh boy, the way you looked at me and the way you loved that birthday dress were things forever etched in my memory. I didn’t part with that parrot green dress for atleast 5 years. Thank you for loving me the way you did. Your love made me love myself. Your love told me that I’m worthy of being loved. We have our own flaws but whatever we shared was perfect in its own terms. For that I’ll be eternally grateful and a part of me will always love and cherish your memory.

During all those birthdays while at school, i always wanted to skip school on that day and that was one day my wish was always granted. I used to go to school, show-off my new dress, be the birthday girl and distribute sweets or wafers and come home to the yummy food mumma used to make. Till date, no other memory beat this one, for it happened so many times that i now wish for one more of such birthdays forever. And this feeling makes me wonder, can we ever love our parents like the way they love us? What kind of bond is it that binds us so strongly to them despite all the differences and distance in the world. I wish it wasn’t, as that would have made a lot of my decisions easier to decide.

Another good memory is the last birthday with ammamma. She died a month after that and that memory of her forcing me to wear a traditional dress and making all those dishes for me on that day. Ammamma and Taathagaru, I never really realised how much important you guys were to me until you left. I atleast had grandpa until i finished college but you ammamma, did you have to leave while i was still at school? But anyways, maybe, you wanted to leave that memory for me and so called us over to the village for that birthday. Thank you for leaving me with such lovely memories.

And left are just memories, some sad, some mad and some just normal. Of those, the birthday that i spent in Johannesburg comes to thought first. But it is not necessarily bad. My stupid ego played games all day and at the end, people around me still forgave me and showed kindness. That is my introduction to inherent goodness in people. They left me with no choice but only love and respect them after that. African wildlife Safari and a cosy birthday party with friends isn’t that bad afterall.

Update: 22Oct2018

And then there is the 2017 birthday in Melbourne that is during a very crucial point in my life. The transition time between my suffering and certain realisations. Loved every bit of Melbourne and its experiences. The friends it gave me and the love they shared are just invaluable. It was only after 2017 that I came to know that even cities can love and be loved. One day, I’ll be there, loving it, living in it.

I wrote this post on 26June2017. A couple of weeks before my 28th birthday in Melbourne. I guess 6 months of living alone in a new city makes you recollect all the memories of a day that is important yet not so important to everyone. I’ll be 30 by the next birthday but I look forward to every year that adds new pages to my book of life.