6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

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I understand

Maybe, it is in these slow moments like these that people understand how easy it is to die.

That distance between the fan and you. That piece of cloth that binds your neck and that fan into eternity seems like your best friend. I now understand how and why it becomes so easy to die.

I always wondered about the strength of the people who take their own lives. I always thought I was a coward and could never take my own life. But it is not you that needs to be strong it is the situation that needs to be strong enough to turn your cowardice into courage.

It is in those moments when life becomes so heavy and tough to live, it is in those moments when a fast forward or full rewind is all you wish for but neither happens and you are stuck in the present, that makes death your best friend.

You absolutely don’t know what it is that awaits us on the other end. And that is when you take the plunge, a leap of faith into the unknown. I really don’t know why people use this phrase when they get into thibgs like marriage, new job etc. They aren’t unknown results in those. They can either work or do not work, unlike death, which is a perfect black hole.

And it also feels as if people think that I’m faking pain, and trying to gain sympathy when i talk about death or suicidal thoughts. No, I’m not trying to gain any sympathy. I couldn’t care less about your symapthy. I just need to leave reninders to people that on the day it happened, people wouldn’t think it is all sudden. So that tgey wouldn’t say, I thought it was all okay, i didn’t know there were such issues in her head, her committing suicide was totally unexpected, it was all too sudden and strange. I don’t want people say that.

I want them to know that I’m not okay and I did the best i can and it is only because my best isn’t enough and i couldn’t live with my best that i had to leave and disappear into the unknown.

I’m not the genius who excelled at everything i did. But I’m no normal. I’m crazy in my head. I have thoughts and feelings no one around me has. I rarely find people like me. I’m full of contradictions and complexities. I’m just me. I’m a person who is a mystery to myself. All my life, I’ve been trying to understand myself. Not that I succeeded, but i got somewhere. You can see how my brain works if you read my blog.

I now decided, the day I’m going to die, I’m going to go public and tell everyone around me of my blog. Maybe, they may understand how stupid i am and how crazy my brain works. I’m just a lost soul that craves to be understood. God help all such souls outside. I’m really sorry for being in the lives of those around me, for i have given them nothing but pain. I’m a sadness in their lives that i can never take away. Only time and distance can do that. I’m sad that my parents had me. I wish they had someone else other than me.. they wouldn’t be this unhappy.

It feels so heavy

It feels as if I have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

Until a few minutes back it felt all okay.. i was infact so proud of myself that I’m managing everything on my own and maybe one day i will even be able to get out of this misery.

But when I’m done with my first shift and the daily chores and finally got a minute to sit down, it hit me again. The fear, the feeling of the world on my shoulders, the heaviness, the pressure on my nerves, it all hit me again hard. The fact that I’m not going anywhere with this life, the fact that leaving my brain idle for a minute is dangerous to my being, the fact that there is no one in this world that i can turn to for help, the fact that i really am all alone, is all too frightening and painful.

I want to call dad and tell him that i made a mistake choosing this guy and that we are in no way compatible with each other and it is making me miserable enough to feel like dying every minute. But i cannot as he will panic if i say all that. He might even die with the kind of poor health he is in. More than that, he says that i shouldn’t be the one who asks for divorce. He wants me to be politically correct. His words prove me again and again how most men care more about their social status than anything. I just want to know how he would feel if I commit suicide. Will he be happy? Ofcourse not, it would kill him and ruin my family for life. But again, why don’t they understand how tough it is for me to live this lie? Damn, couldn’t these tears be sweet in taste! I must say here, i feel that my dad is more worried about my sister’s future if i end up divorced with an invalid reason. And more than that, he feels that he is a failure for not earning enough to sort our lives despite what we do! He is becoming more and more paranoid everyday with the kind of mental pressure I’m giving them. I wish there’s a magic wand to fix it all.

My Mum seems to be the one who is more sorted here. She is atleast not showing it. Maybe that is more harmful to her health. Damn Cancer, i wish you didn’t enter her life. If not for you, she would be there, standing like a wall, ready to pick the pieces after i break their hearts and wreck their lives with my death.

I want to wake this sleeping husband of mine and tell him that i made a mistake marrying him and that we are not meant for each other and that living this life is making me go crazy, driving me deeper and deeper into depression and that i need his help. That i need him to initiate divorce if he wants out. And if not, then i atleast need him to be responsible and take some load off me and make my life a little easier even if it is just temporary.

God, i wish there is some machine that can convey your mind without having to talk.

Paranoid

I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.

When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.

When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.

When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.

When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.

I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.

When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.

I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.

I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.

I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.

I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.

I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.

I wish it is a little bit easy.

Anxiety

1. It strikes me when i think of you.

2. It strikes me when someone asks me of you.

3. It strikes me when i think you might be coming home tonight.

4. It strikes me when i see your things at home.

5. It strikes me when i see any symbols of marriage around me or when i hear any talk about those symbols.

6. When i see or hear people talking about marriage, relationships and kids.

7. When i think about our families.

8. When i come across any wedding pics or just your name across any document.

There are so many triggers to it and the first two are more impactful. Earlier, i used to react with Anger, sadness, impulsiveness and depression. Now there is no anger or impulsiveness. It is all tears, sadness, loneliness and depression.

When I read the other article on anxiety, it troubled me like anything. I felt it to be so disturbing that couldn’t even read it completely. Someone has explained what i felt like for an year. I cannot write any better than that. But the memories are painful and disturbing. I wish they just go away.

Decisions of heart ❤️

Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.

Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.

Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?

And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.

My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.

For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.

Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.

Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.

Lazy days

There is this weird happiness in being able to be lazy for the whole day when you are not forced to do one thing!

A Saturday when you had a festival holiday on the Friday and you had nothing to do but to enjoy your weekend, is a wonderful Saturday. Waking up lazily at a time you want after a good night sleep and then lazily making coffee and breakfast which by the way is upma that takes little or no effort.

Here i am, sitting in the balcony with Karan Johar’s Autobiography and my breakfast setup. With my little plants happily growing buds and the day light being messed up with these on and off drizzles with a background score of the Chaviti bhajans from the township prayer area is just a little too perfect set up for a lazy Saturday morning.

By the way, I’m reading Karan Johar’s Autobiography, “An Unsuitable Boy”. I don’t know what the title meant, but I’ve just started reading it and i must say it is good. If you are any bit emotional and any bit Indian, you’ll like it. Though I’ve read only prologue and one chapter, i can say that it is well written and well framed. You can just get the tone of a book from the first few pages itself. And ofcourse, any film makers book is interesting as it tells you things about people who are always in the limelight but have a coat of secrecy over them. I guess it is our curiosity that makes these books and movies interesting.

And in all of this, one cute thing happened which reminded me of my own childhood memories. While I was eating my breakfast and parallely reading, there is this little girl from the opposite apartment who observed me for like 5 to 10 minutes while drinking her milk, I assume. It was cute that sh stood over there observing a woman reading in her balcony. It reminded me of those childhood days of mine when we would come back from school or on a Sunday evening when my Mum would be sitting on her chair somewhere in a quiet corner of the house and reading something or anything. Infact, those quiet reading times were what inspired me to read, to fall in love with these amazing things call books. I have grown up watching people read which tells me that no matter how busy you are, you can always make time for a good book as long as your brain is free to take in. To this day, that love for books, that love for reading never left me. Infact that is the only thing I ever loved unconditionally in this entire world. Even though the time i can spare for reading is very less thesr days, i still cannot stop myself from buying books just for the sake of collecting them for the rainy day. Like today 😎😋. I just wish i made her a little bit curious about what I was doing and she takes up a book just out of curiosity. I only know her from this balcony and have seen her observing me while i was doing my quiet reading here. So, I can just wish.

It is also my dream to start a little library somewhere, possibly in the apartment complex i live to just make reading a little bit easy for people and most importantly kids. But I’m still a little bit selfish about my collection and is not yet ready to part with them and i know that the day i start giving our books i should be ready to loose them as well as not every book that goes out comes back. I know this for a fact after looking at library books being held hostage at our home for months if not years. It is not that my mum is stealing them, but it is just that she doesn’t find time to complete all of them and even if she does, she is just too lazy to return them. She returns them whenever she visits the local library but then gets back with a tonne of books again. I cannot tell you how much fine she has paid until now for those late returns! 😉🤔.

Okay, here we are at the end of my long weekend rant and the vegetable sellers are here on their usual time. We have this Saturday mini market in our Apartment Complex every week which helps me avoid going to the supermarket every now and then. So convenient. This is one of the things I love about living here.

Okay then, off i go to our vegetable market and bye bye.