Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

Parents

Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.

Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.

That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.

Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

    Relationships

    What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

    And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

    And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

    When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

    I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

    There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!

    Fidaa ❤️💔❤️

    Woah, what a movie! I happened to watch it on Friday and was just unable to get it out of my head. Being the amazing movie it is, it covered all the bases; be it the waterworks it caused during emotional scenes, laughing riot with the comic timing of those situational jokes, the feeling of falling in love, the freshness of first love, the sadness of heartbreak and whatnot. If you are any bit interested in watching a Telugu movie, just watch it. If you are thinking that this is a movie review, it isn’t one. Whether you like it or not, I’m just going to endlessly rave about the movie. 

    After going crazy about Varun Tej with his movies like Mukunda, Loafer & Kanche, i wanted to watch all of his movies on the big screen as i missed watching the first 3 on big screen. And then Mister happened. Though i loved the visuals, the movie is not what i would love to see. This did not stop me from wanting to watch a wonderful movie of Varun and I waited endlessly for Fidaa. Varun has been my longest and first reason to watch Fidaa and I’m a total fan now. I now truly believe that Varun Tej is a directors actor. The subtle yet crazy young guy in Mukunda, the responsible young person in Kanche, the arrogant con in Loafer, the over acting rich NRI in Mister, and finally, the subtle yet responsible plus most lovable and adorable NRI in Fidaa, all of these were just examples of how good an actor he is. And coming to how he looks, do i even need to write about it? He is a heartthrob with that height, build and looks. And is it only me who loved his eyes in this movie? I guess they were contact lenses but this shade gave him that exotic look that the character he played. Varun, you are just amazing as this Varun. Loved you, laughed and cried with you. Thank you for being the amazing actor that you are.😍💕❤️

    Growing up, being a girl with strong and independent thoughts, It is a given that i fell in love with all of sekhar kammula’s movies. How can you not like movies like Aanand, Happy days, Godavari, Leader and Life is beautiful? I know many say LIB isn’t that good, but i loved every single movie of his and it is a given thing that I would love Fidaa. But what I didn’t know was that I would love it this much that I’m going crazy over it. Like all his other movies, Fidaa leaves you with a reminder of all those memories that you had in similar situations in life, it leaves you yearning for more, you crave for more and most importantly, the movies have a connect with reality. How i can not acknowledge the sadness that Appaginthala scene brought to me, the rawness of those memories when a girl crushes on a guy, the feeling of being in love, cuteness and crazyness of first love, the heartbreak, the emotional confrontations, the airport hug, and the last scene where you realise that you are a lot closer to your love than you think you are. Thank you Sekhar garu for giving us such a wonderful movie, a movie that we get immersed into and yet reminds us of reality. Love and hate you for making me laugh and cry in the theatre. I’m going to watch it a couple more times at the least. It is just too good. But i must tell you, the second half felt like it is never going to end and the sadness was too much for a movie but i guess you know better and therefore no complaints. The movie is just magical​. 🤗💫

    Have you ever heard of this that you keep the best for the last? This is that case. I loved Sai Pallavi so much in Premam that i watched it 4 times just for her. I couldn’t tell you how much unhappy and angry I was when she wasn’t made a part of Premam Telugu. No matter how much I love Naga Chaitanya, i just didn’t think premam telugu did that magic the original​ did. When i was craving for more from you, i happened to read about Fidaa and that you are paired against Varun Tej and it is a Sekhar Kammulas movie. I thought it would be a super hit in the making. I waited for it ever since but it was a long wait. With news about you being pulled out of many movies and Fidaa being delayed for an year, i thought this was never going to happen and then the songs were released and then came both the trailers. Cannot tell you how excited i was to watch​ the movie. I don’t remember of any other movie in my life that i had gone to, on the first day. I watched it in Melbourne at 8:30 in the night in a remote place all alone. I could’ve waited until the end of the month to watch it in India with Friends, but no, i couldn’t wait. I must tell you, it was all worth the wait. The movie is amazing and i loved every minute of it and loved every minute of yours. I know you are not that confident with wearing certain types of clothes and that you are a shy and reserved person but on screen, you were a different person. You are just amazing and terrific. I have seen girls from Telangana who are exactly like this girl Bhanu. This is a secret that I’m revealing today that this is my original name. If anyone bothers to read this long post, they’ll know! Anyways, only after going into the movie did i understand why the guy giving tickets, had this huge grin on his face when i said my name. 😍😋. But I’m more like the sister character than yours so that’s another thing. The most loved scenes​ are those confrontations between Bhanu and Varun in second half. Trust me, it is not just you and Varun who were crying, emotional fools like me were also with you on it. Thank you for giving us the bubbly, chirpy, loud and happy bhanu. And the last scene where you look sad throughout the wedding only to realise that he is going to stay and you shower him with all that love at once, is just too lovely and cuteness overloaded​. I now need to find a copy of that movie Kali with Dalquer and i hope your other movies are also this good and cannot wait for your movie with Nani. Wait, i forgot to mention how amazing(read cute and sexy) you looked in all those songs and how good you are as a dancer. You made me want to dance! Love you Sai Pallavi. 💕

    When a movie gives me a strong female character to love, i love the movie. There are no ifs and buts to it. They speak their mind and do what their heart says. That is how i want me to be and these movies are just reminders to that. The fact that you can give clean entertiners is totally lost in our film industry and these movies are just proofs that with a good story and amazing direction, you can give good movies that can earn money too. 

    Concluding my rant, I am Fidaa over this movie. ✍️🤗💕😍🤗

    Some promises to myself

    • Sleep on time.
    • Eat on time.
    • No matter what, tell yourself “I Love You” at the start and end of the day, everyday.
    • Make 2 lists everyday. One for work and other for life. Make them happen without killing yourself.
    • Watch a movie once a week and more than one if possible.
    • Whenever you think of suicide, think of maa, paa and chinnu. And about the wonderful life you could have lived if you have just learnt to live through.
    • Try to do some form of exercise everyday.
    • Do not sleep during the day. i.e. weekends. Visit atleast one new place every week.
    • Watch all those pending series.. only on weekdays huh!
    • Completely read one book every week and write a review on every Saturday.
    • You have a wonderful phone. Take advantage of it and make sure you click 2 pictures every day. One of yours and the other of Melbourne.
    • Fall in love with yourself and Melbourne again.
    • If shopping makes you feel better, do.  Splurging on yourself is so worth it.
    • Do atleast one online course a month. Doesn’t matter how small or big it is, just decide and do.
    • Start preparing your resume.
    • Update the LinkedIn profile.
    • Sit with Dad and do taxes. Learn about your financial worth.
    • Learn the art of investing.
    • Make bucket lists for life, for Melbourne, for everything that you can think of.
    • Accept your mistakes and learn to move forward.
    • Listen, no matter what, you are always worth someone’s time and love. And ofcourse, you are capable of loving someone.
    • It is okay to be selfish.
    • Understand that you can write the best story of your life only by living it wholeheartedly enjoying every moment of it.
    • Keep looking at this list as a reminder and work on it. Keep updating it whenever required.
    • Your goal in life is to be happy not just to be someone’s daughter or sister or wife or anything. 
    • It is okay to be different and thinking like this is NOT A MISTAKE.