There are so many times that I started writing about Melbourne and couldn’t finish the post as i get lost in the memories it gave. Today, i atleast want to start this series. These days i keep feeling that I’m dumping all my sadness and pain into this blog but not collecting any of my good memories, the happy ones. If i keep on doing this, one day, when i look back at my blog, all I’m going to get is a recollection of sad memories. I don’t want that and so i made my mind to post atleast one happy post a week. No matter how small or big it is. So, it is a gloomy but happy post today. 😄 It is raining while i started for office. I have always loved rains. I’m a July born and being in a small town for most of my life, i have never known the ugly side of rains until i came to the city. And then, I started hating rain .. that is until i met them again in Melbourne. Melbourne is a weird city. Before going there, i have read that one can see all 4 seasons in one day. I thought it was a bit exaggerated. But no, Melbourne is that way. It will be all warm and sunny when you wake up and it will be drizzling by the time you leave for office and by lunch it will be windy and by evening the chill comes back. 😉 It is like that. And the most important thing is, the weather isn’t harsh over there. And the rains, oh water comes down too sharp unlike the rains here, but the weather becomes all too pleasant when it rains. I just loved it. Watching Fidaa after being drenched in the rain is my most wonderful memory of rain in Melbourne. I think it is an amalgamation of all the things that i loved. I love rains. I love singer Rain. I love Melbourne and i loved the movie. And those long walks in that windy weather and occasional drizzles, they are just too good. I cannot wait to go back. To me, Melbourne is love and peace. At a time in my life when all I had was pain and sadness, was depressed and low, Melbourne gave me love with all the ☀️ sunshine in the world. It gave me the courage to face the world despite how messy my life is. To smile at strangers, to talk to people again, to introspect, to write, to heal, to recover, and to just be myself, it is all Melbourne that helped me. Before 2017, if anyone had told me that cities have life too and that they mean something to people, i would’ve laughed at that dialogue. But now i realise how true it is. I know what it is like. When a place gives you love and hope for future, you will love it back. The live and vibrant Melbourne will always love anyone who loves it back. It is this introvert’s paradise. One day, i will be back in Melbourne, to be there forever. 😘😍😎☺️🙏😄.
Some decisions are meant to be taken by brain not by heart because your brain thinks of your heart but heart thinks of everyone you love.
Our heart is a weird thing. It always knows what it wants. Not only that but it also knws who all are important to you and what they want or expect from you. At times, this heart forces you to choose things or people not because you love them but because the people you love, love to see you making those choices. At the end, nobody forced you to do anything but these choices, these decisions become your own even though they aren’t what you wished for yourself.
Where do you draw this line between selfishness and selflessness? Where do you stop at while doing things for the happiness of others just because you want them to be happy? To what extent is self love acceptable and to what extent do we need to go, to make people around us, our families and our friends happy?
And is it selfishness when you choose your own happiness over theirs? It feels like it is very easy to end this life rather than make these choices. You cannot even tell them that as that would be blackmail. Any decision i make with my brain, will have consequences. And more than my own fate, it is the parents’s and sister’s life that worries me. Being on the ground, they will have to face the consequences of my choices all alone while I was flying on my own being all too busy to be there for them. It is easy for me to get lost in my job and career but they have a life around them. A small town life, that gets scary when you have a divorced daughter. That too the one with no reason except incompatibility, depression and lack of feelings which aren’t good enough reasons for divorce in that part of the world. At this age, I’m going to make their lives difficult, like tenfold difficult.
My all too complicated yet liberal little sister says that I shouldn’t worry about the world and do what I really want to. And that i need to get out of this relationship if it is making me unhappy, depressed and sad. She isn’t one bit worried about the impact my decision might have on her life or atleast she pretends to be that way for me. I think she is an Angel sent to me by God to compensate for making me this weird and complicated. Just so that i will have this one person whom i can rely on and share my mind no matter what it is. But what about my responsibility towards her? How can i payback? It is very easy to clear monetary debts but very hard to clear the emotional debt. And what example am i going to set for her if i do things that doesn’t have my heart’s approval. If i couldn’t stand up for myself just because doing so would make things difficult for my family, what am i leading her to? That would be worse as she is someone who always looked up to me. I would always want her to do things that she wants to do but not the things everyone want her to do.
For once, i have decided to do what i think is right. For once, i want to do something for me. For once, i want to love myself and be honest with what my heart and mind really wants. If i cannot make my soul happy, I’m going to lose it this time and there is no return from that loss.
Once i make this choice, life is going to be ten times harder but there is a possibility that everything will eventually settle down and one day i will earn my family’s trust again. But if I don’t make this choice today, i will no longer have the courage or will to live and they will lose me forever. I wish it was easy. But since it isn’t, i have to make tough choices.
Just send me an ounce of courage if you can spare me any. Thanks.
At this moment in life, if there is something that I desperately want, it is freedom.
Freedom to be what I am. Freedom to just be. Freedom to live without fear. Freedom to be free from these judgemental eyes around me. Freedom from the confined thoughts of my mind. Freedom to develop the courage to look beyond the mess that I am in. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to live my life the way I want to. Freedom to give up on things. Freedom from the shackles that are holding me.
I want the freedom to tell my thoughts fearlessly without having to worry about the impact it would have on my family. Freedom to just shout out how much i hate having him in my life and how much I hated being in this marriage which felt like a jail to me every time. Freedom and courage to just leave this mess and everybody around and just runaway to a faraway place, to a distant lanr where nobody knows me. I want the freedom to dream of a world where my life is my business but not anybody else’s, where i am only answerable to myself but not to anyone else.
God, this is a request from the most deepest places of my heart. Please show me the path to that life. Atleast give me the courage to face this world and tell my truth. Give me the strength to face the consequences. More than me, make my family strong enough to take the blow and still move on in life with or without me. Please dear God, there is nothing else that i wish from you.
I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.
It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.
I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.
Can never understand the depth of their love and the pain it causes when you have to break their hearts for your happiness.
Their presence alone is a huge relief in a life filled with tests and challenges. I can never forget the day my mother cried while talking to me about my grandfather’s death. She said that with this loss, her life has now started a new journey into a life without parents. She said, she lost a part of her with that loss.
That day i decided to be her pillar of strength. I now wonder if i can ever live upto that responsibility! I’m too selfish to be selfless. Can I ever be the daughter they wanted? I have no clue at all.
- I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
- I don’t like too much light anywhere.
- I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
- I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
- I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband.
- I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
- I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
- I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
- I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
- I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
- I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.
Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?
What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?
And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?
And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.
When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.
I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.
There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!