Marriage – Things that led to it #1

What was i thinking when i agreed to get married to you?

It was right after a tough setback in my career. I was really dejected and losing hope. So i thought, screw you my dear career, let’s concentrate on personal life. But now that i recall, did i ever leave my work to what it is? It is my life, my bread and butter. I can never ignore or escape it even if I wanted to. Sadly, i made it my identity and it still is.

That was when i got to meet you. I was really hopeful. But the scars from the previous experiences were still there. I met you at the mall and we spoke for about 2 hours. Maybe, it is the way you spoke, the confident tone or so i assumed, kept the conversation going. I was happy that i was able to talk to you, have a conversation with you, share my mind with you. I perhaps mistook my professionally developed skills to a change in my attitude and told you that I’m an introvert but have been developing social skills.

But that isn’t the only thing I misunderstood that day. I thought you were confident but i should have come to that conclusion after a couple more meets. Talking is a skill you have. You know what to talk when. You know how to say all the right words at the right time. You grasp the situation and pull out the words the other person wants to hear from you. What i thought of as confidence and clarity are all actually a part of your talkativeness. All you needed was an open mind to listen and i was there to do just that. Like an idiot, I thought it was all magical. Since you have been living outside your home since school, i assumed you would develop an independent thought process just like i did and so would understand my need for freedom, emotional bonding and choice. I was wrong. You never lived on your own. You were born in a very old fashioned family and is raised by a very orthodox set of grand parents. That is exactly how your thought process developed. Typical and Orthodox but with very sharp financial awareness. You knew what kind of partner you needed to move ahead in life. To the external eye, I always fit all the parameters.

After meeting you, i should’ve taken enough time to think and decide. I should’ve atleast asked to meet you a few more times. But no, like an idiot, i said let’s meet the parents. I was still under the impression that we’ll meet each others parents and then decide. But the setting that day seemed like it was all decided already. I was a little bit shocked and confused as it stuck me that i will have to live with the in-laws but then, i really liked your family. Against my better judgement and brain, I thought I will be able to get along well.

The grave mistake i did that day was to think like this, “Arranged marriage is working well for everyone around me. Why wouldn’t it work for me? I anyways need someone to rely on emotionally. And if we can talk and be good friends, we might make a life out of it. It is going to work.” I was an idiot to think that way. Just because it worked for everyone, doesn’t mean it should work for me. I’m not everyone. I’m not the all compromising, carefree, and adjusting girl with simple thoughts. I’m never simple nor normal. I’m always the opposite of it. I’m always Complex. I’m always complicated and due to the conflict with the environment around me, i was always confused about my identity and thoughts. I adjusted about a lot of things but never about self-respect and freedom. I always had issues talking to people. I always felt uncomfortable while socializing. Things like that were never my cup of tea. I talk a lot but not with everyone. I do that only with my confidantes. The only best friends i have are from college and it took me half a decade to be a shameless friend with them. To this day, there are things that I do not confide in them. In this short life of 25 years, qqthere is no person in this entire world that i didn’t have secrets with. I’m very hard to understand and ten times harder to be friends with and almost impossible to be loved. If this is all one side to it, it is tenfold difficult for me to trust, be friends with and be able to love someone. To this day, I don’t think I have ever loved anyone else except my parents and my sister. And this me, thought marriage, that too arranged, and again living with the in-laws would work for me. This is my stupidity at my peaks.

What made me meet you? I was never interested in getting married because I always feared that nobody would be able to understand me and I will not be able to love anyone. But the pressure to get married was huge. Huge is actually a very small word for the amount of pressure I was under. There were times when I thought it was nothing but emotional blackmail. But to be fair to everyone around me, at the end, i was convinced that i needed someone to rely on emotionally, someone to share my brain and life with. At the end, I was convinced, which made me think that if it is working for everyone around me, it would work for me too. But somewhere deep down, i always knew, it will be almost impossible for me to accept anyone openheartedly. I don’t know why, but i always thought that I’m too selfish to be that accepting of anyone and selfless love isn’t my cup of tea.

And I still went ahead and decided to get married to you. That was how it all started.

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Freedom

At this moment in life, if there is something that I desperately want, it is freedom.

Freedom to be what I am. Freedom to just be. Freedom to live without fear. Freedom to be free from these judgemental eyes around me. Freedom from the confined thoughts of my mind. Freedom to develop the courage to look beyond the mess that I am in. Freedom to breathe. Freedom to live my life the way I want to. Freedom to give up on things. Freedom from the shackles that are holding me.

I want the freedom to tell my thoughts fearlessly without having to worry about the impact it would have on my family. Freedom to just shout out how much i hate having him in my life and how much I hated being in this marriage which felt like a jail to me every time. Freedom and courage to just leave this mess and everybody around and just runaway to a faraway place, to a distant lanr where nobody knows me. I want the freedom to dream of a world where my life is my business but not anybody else’s, where i am only answerable to myself but not to anyone else.

God, this is a request from the most deepest places of my heart. Please show me the path to that life. Atleast give me the courage to face this world and tell my truth. Give me the strength to face the consequences. More than me, make my family strong enough to take the blow and still move on in life with or without me. Please dear God, there is nothing else that i wish from you.

Facts #2 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband. 
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

    Relationships

    What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

    And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

    And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

    When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

    I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

    There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!

    Tears

    Tears just wouldn’t stop. Till a moment ago, I had the excuse of onions in front of me. But now, they are done too. It has been the same since a couple of days. The fact that i have to leave for my real life tomorrow, is just killing me. It feels so heavy in the heart. And trying to write this out isn’t helping at all. Tears are bursting out allover. I had to lock myself in the room to prevent mum from watching me like this. These tears weren’t forced or fake. A pained heart is just crying out loud to take some weight of it.

    I wish i know what my problem is. I know it is my marriage that is making me so unhappy. But there are no solid reasons to it. Well, it looks like the heart registers everything the mind wants to forget. Life proves to me again that no matter what, mind cannot control everything. 

    Someone said something that’s truer than truth

    How much us women are ready to bear only because
    – We don’t want to hurt our parents
    – We think about the future of our sisters/ brothers
    – What will the society think
    – What will happen after divorce
    – Most of the time we also go ahead and have a baby thinking things will improve
    – And when they don’t we don’t get out of marriage because we want a happy family for the baby!

    Smitha said this on IHM’s Blog in response to THIS post.

    It struck all the chords and I could relate with most of the points. The difference is just that I’m not yet married.

    I really wish my life is just plain and simple. I really wish that the only things I have to worry about are, “how to get a wonderful appraisal at work” or “how to make lots and lots of money by doing something I like” or “how to express my love to the person I adore” or “how to get that super cute dress that I’ve been eyeing for long” but not about “how successful arranged marriages are” or “how bad my parents will feel if I tell them about my views on marriage” or “what does this society do to my little family if I revolted against all these stupid norms” or “the way my parents would feel when I say I need more time to settle”.

    And someone also said something that cracked me into laughing. Not sure when and where, but the context is that Mark Zuckerberg would never be able to reach those heights of success if he had to think this badly about how his parents would react and accept his decision to like, love and marry a Chinese(not 100% sure) girl.

    His life seems comparatively easier. All he has to think is about code and money! God bless that society. I wish I was born in one such place.

    Take Care people.
    Sahasra