Facts #3 – Complexities of my mind

  • I cannot sleep in open places. I need closed rooms to sleep.
  • I don’t like too much light anywhere.
  • I prefer dark, gloomy and warm to anything else.
  • I can only sleep when it is dead dark.
  • I cannot share any of my things (my cup, my plate, my bedsheets, my pillow, my side of the bed, my house key) with anyone. Not even my husband.
  • I cannot take it when someone messes up with things like my cupboard arrangement, my wardrobe, my kitchen setup.
  • I’m too gaurded and closed for anyone.
  • I’m too scared to open up to anyone. Too scared to let anyone know my fears and vulnerabilities.
  • I find it too difficult to trust anyone. If I trust someone, it means a lot to me.
  • I love my sister to death but not sure if i love myself enough.
  • I am a woman of contradictions and complex thoughts.

    Is there any reason why a person can be this weird and messed up? Am i damaged mentally? Am i not meant for a happy and simple life? How do i know?

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    Relationships

    What do you do when you are in a relationship that doesn’t give you any happiness?

    And when everyone around you ask reasons for it when you cannot pin point to one and you are just unhappy and depressed, what do you do?

    And when the person who is in that relationship with you asks you that question, what do you answer? He has every right to ask.

    When it feels like i made a blunder getting married. I now feel like I’m not meant for things like marriage and love. I cannot love someone or infact anyone outside my immediate family in that selfless way or even in a selfish way.

    I sometimes feel like I’m so important to myself that i cannot let my guard down even for a minute and let anyone in. I sometimes wonder if I’m a narcissist in the making if not already one. And in the next minute i end up thinking if i am really this horrible person that i think i am.

    There are so many more questions to which i have no answers at all. Will i ever get answers to any of those? I’m imploding with all of these!

    Tears

    Tears just wouldn’t stop. Till a moment ago, I had the excuse of onions in front of me. But now, they are done too. It has been the same since a couple of days. The fact that i have to leave for my real life tomorrow, is just killing me. It feels so heavy in the heart. And trying to write this out isn’t helping at all. Tears are bursting out allover. I had to lock myself in the room to prevent mum from watching me like this. These tears weren’t forced or fake. A pained heart is just crying out loud to take some weight of it.

    I wish i know what my problem is. I know it is my marriage that is making me so unhappy. But there are no solid reasons to it. Well, it looks like the heart registers everything the mind wants to forget. Life proves to me again that no matter what, mind cannot control everything. 

    Someone said something that’s truer than truth

    How much us women are ready to bear only because
    – We don’t want to hurt our parents
    – We think about the future of our sisters/ brothers
    – What will the society think
    – What will happen after divorce
    – Most of the time we also go ahead and have a baby thinking things will improve
    – And when they don’t we don’t get out of marriage because we want a happy family for the baby!

    Smitha said this on IHM’s Blog in response to THIS post.

    It struck all the chords and I could relate with most of the points. The difference is just that I’m not yet married.

    I really wish my life is just plain and simple. I really wish that the only things I have to worry about are, “how to get a wonderful appraisal at work” or “how to make lots and lots of money by doing something I like” or “how to express my love to the person I adore” or “how to get that super cute dress that I’ve been eyeing for long” but not about “how successful arranged marriages are” or “how bad my parents will feel if I tell them about my views on marriage” or “what does this society do to my little family if I revolted against all these stupid norms” or “the way my parents would feel when I say I need more time to settle”.

    And someone also said something that cracked me into laughing. Not sure when and where, but the context is that Mark Zuckerberg would never be able to reach those heights of success if he had to think this badly about how his parents would react and accept his decision to like, love and marry a Chinese(not 100% sure) girl.

    His life seems comparatively easier. All he has to think is about code and money! God bless that society. I wish I was born in one such place.

    Take Care people.
    Sahasra