What was i thinking when i agreed to get married to you?
It was right after a tough setback in my career. I was really dejected and losing hope. So i thought, screw you my dear career, let’s concentrate on personal life. But now that i recall, did i ever leave my work to what it is? It is my life, my bread and butter. I can never ignore or escape it even if I wanted to. Sadly, i made it my identity and it still is.
That was when i got to meet you. I was really hopeful. But the scars from the previous experiences were still there. I met you at the mall and we spoke for about 2 hours. Maybe, it is the way you spoke, the confident tone or so i assumed, kept the conversation going. I was happy that i was able to talk to you, have a conversation with you, share my mind with you. I perhaps mistook my professionally developed skills to a change in my attitude and told you that I’m an introvert but have been developing social skills.
But that isn’t the only thing I misunderstood that day. I thought you were confident but i should have come to that conclusion after a couple more meets. Talking is a skill you have. You know what to talk when. You know how to say all the right words at the right time. You grasp the situation and pull out the words the other person wants to hear from you. What i thought of as confidence and clarity are all actually a part of your talkativeness. All you needed was an open mind to listen and i was there to do just that. Like an idiot, I thought it was all magical. Since you have been living outside your home since school, i assumed you would develop an independent thought process just like i did and so would understand my need for freedom, emotional bonding and choice. I was wrong. You never lived on your own. You were born in a very old fashioned family and is raised by a very orthodox set of grand parents. That is exactly how your thought process developed. Typical and Orthodox but with very sharp financial awareness. You knew what kind of partner you needed to move ahead in life. To the external eye, I always fit all the parameters.
After meeting you, i should’ve taken enough time to think and decide. I should’ve atleast asked to meet you a few more times. But no, like an idiot, i said let’s meet the parents. I was still under the impression that we’ll meet each others parents and then decide. But the setting that day seemed like it was all decided already. I was a little bit shocked and confused as it stuck me that i will have to live with the in-laws but then, i really liked your family. Against my better judgement and brain, I thought I will be able to get along well.
The grave mistake i did that day was to think like this, “Arranged marriage is working well for everyone around me. Why wouldn’t it work for me? I anyways need someone to rely on emotionally. And if we can talk and be good friends, we might make a life out of it. It is going to work.” I was an idiot to think that way. Just because it worked for everyone, doesn’t mean it should work for me. I’m not everyone. I’m not the all compromising, carefree, and adjusting girl with simple thoughts. I’m never simple nor normal. I’m always the opposite of it. I’m always Complex. I’m always complicated and due to the conflict with the environment around me, i was always confused about my identity and thoughts. I adjusted about a lot of things but never about self-respect and freedom. I always had issues talking to people. I always felt uncomfortable while socializing. Things like that were never my cup of tea. I talk a lot but not with everyone. I do that only with my confidantes. The only best friends i have are from college and it took me half a decade to be a shameless friend with them. To this day, there are things that I do not confide in them. In this short life of 25 years, qqthere is no person in this entire world that i didn’t have secrets with. I’m very hard to understand and ten times harder to be friends with and almost impossible to be loved. If this is all one side to it, it is tenfold difficult for me to trust, be friends with and be able to love someone. To this day, I don’t think I have ever loved anyone else except my parents and my sister. And this me, thought marriage, that too arranged, and again living with the in-laws would work for me. This is my stupidity at my peaks.
What made me meet you? I was never interested in getting married because I always feared that nobody would be able to understand me and I will not be able to love anyone. But the pressure to get married was huge. Huge is actually a very small word for the amount of pressure I was under. There were times when I thought it was nothing but emotional blackmail. But to be fair to everyone around me, at the end, i was convinced that i needed someone to rely on emotionally, someone to share my brain and life with. At the end, I was convinced, which made me think that if it is working for everyone around me, it would work for me too. But somewhere deep down, i always knew, it will be almost impossible for me to accept anyone openheartedly. I don’t know why, but i always thought that I’m too selfish to be that accepting of anyone and selfless love isn’t my cup of tea.
And I still went ahead and decided to get married to you. That was how it all started.