Expectations & Trials to not live up to them!..

All my life I have been burdened by expectations others had on me. I have either tried to live up to them OR ran away at the first chance I got. That’s the case with many but for me somehow, my life was/is defined by these attempts. Now, I seem to be facing a new version of this problem.

The expectations that I lived up to or tried my best to do so are those of my parents and those that came along with my job. I have been the proud daughter of my parents for a long long time, thanks to all that effort, whenever I took a turn that might lead to disappointment for them, I quickly changed course and was always successful to turn the tide. I did the same thing with my job. I worked extra hard than everyone else, to be the best. I know that though I may not be the most intelligent person in the room, I can always be the most hard working person and that it would almost always pay off. And owing it to my luck, my hard work have always paid off. Whenever I felt like I was lacking or getting complacent, I doubled down on my effort, learnt new things and bounced back to takeover the best spot. This attitude have always rewarded me with the best and made me confident about myself.

It also makes sense that at work, my value is determined by how well I perform or how good my results are. One thing I never understood is the feeling that I get/used to get at home. I felt as if our bests are appreciated and our worsts are mourned. I never get this. Isn’t the love of parents supposed to be unconditional? Shouldn’t they love us inspite and despite all our failures and disappointments? I know they love me, but why do I feel the disappointment they see in me, so strongly when I fail? Why do I have to live up to my parents expectations of what I am or what I can be! Just so that they’ll love me more? That’s crazy!..

I broke this chain of not disappointing them, when I decided to get a divorce. And I continue to do so by not giving up to their wish/demand to get married again, by leaving my longtime job, by not making any sensible choice ever since. I may continue to do so hereon, but the guilt of doing so and hurting them in the process, coexists. But the point is, I broke the chain and freed myself up.

The other scenario where I ran away from expectations, is/was with my relationships Aka romantic interests. I have been in a couple of serious relationships and a few more minor crush/not serious equations. Now that I recall how they went down, every single time, it is the same story. I got scared of the expectations they had from me and I ran away at the first chance I got. I hurt everyone in the process, including me.

No, I’m not regretting my choices. Given a chance, I may have tried to make my executions painless, but I’d act in similar fashion if placed in same situations. The one thing that I’m trying to understand from this case is, why do I get scared of expectations!.. Would it have been different if I put forth my limits first, thereby limiting the range of expectations they have or might have of me? OR maybe if I had done that, there wouldn’t be any relationships in the first place. Also, some limits are only understood when you are in the game. And I know what they say, open communication is the key to successful relationships. Then the question might be this, “why do I let myself get so affected by someone else’s expectations!.. it should be their problem to deal with and not mine”

I’m so closed in many ways that I don’t know how to open up and talk about this stuff in relationships. Anyways, this isn’t my biggest problem today and can always be revisited if and when I get into this mess again, which by the way is a long shot anyways.

Today’s problem is with the expectations I seem to have about myself. How do I live up to those? There’s no option to run away from myself!

At the moment, I’m doing nothing, out of fear of failing at what I may do! Which means I’m in the flight mode already and cannot be this way any longer. How do I get out of this rut and convince myself that no-game is equivalent to failure? How do I pick myself up and gather the courage to do something again? These expectations that I’m so afraid of, are these even mine? Do I have to succeed at everything I do? Can i not be a failure who failed trying instead of being the failure who never tried?

There must be a way to pick up the pieces and walk ahead. Life is about living and not just idling it away in the fear of failure. Haven’t I lived long and safe enough to risk it all atleast once? Why do I need to repeat the same mistakes of my parents. Let’s make new ones. Let’s risk it all.

I should learn not to measure my worth in terms of my expectations and achievements. I should measure myself in the efforts and hardwork I put in, on the path I paved for myself. Just like how I wanted my parents to love me despite my failures, and how I thought to not care about someone’s else’s expectations of me, I should do apply the same rules of love and ignoring expectations to myself.

Results are dependent on ten thousand things, while as efforts can be completely mine to own. To break the barrier of expectations and to set out, to achieve the frontiers I’ve never even dared to envision, should be my Moto.

😁.. it’s true what the saints say about us humans, listen to yourself, look carefully at yourself, you’ll have the answers that you’ve been searching for all along, within you.

πŸπŸ’œπŸ€πŸ’šπŸ’™β™₯οΈπŸ€ŽπŸ–€β˜˜οΈ

P.S: This is a post about myself written for me, like most of the posts on my blog are. Despite that, if you have managed to read this long story, thank you for walking through the realms of my mind. I understand that it can be tiring and so, I’m always grateful to people who try to peek into my brain & soul.

Let me tell you a secret now. Classic editor seems to appear by default when you type from your mobile app. Well, I can live with that for now!

Midnight Musings

Aadhi raat ki khushi aur khamoshi dono bardasht ke bahir hote hai..

Have you ever felt the beauty of night fall? I’ve always loved nights more than the day. It has always been in conflict with my love for early mornings. But it is the same bind that makes me love these two. The silence and peace in these moments is what makes them precious.Β 

Since childhood, I was accustomed to waking up early, as early as 4 am in the morning and waiting for the newspaper boy to come in. It is strange that I never romanticised the paper boy given the fact that there were so many days and countless lone interactions. I guess they were busy and I, naive and still innocent. But as life happened, school paved way to college and then to work. 

It was only when work got hectic and life got serious, I started to realise the beauty of night, the peace and silence of it all. Those empty and silent moments when everything goes numb and everyone shuts up. It was that time of the day when I could hear myself loud and clear. No amount of stress from work could hinder my newfound joy. It is a different story that it did have an impact on my day life as I ended up sleepless and restless. But I managed it all with coffee and coke! I was fine despite everything that’s been happening in my life.

It is in these rare moments that I miss having a partner. One such moment is now. It is true that I’m scared of sharing my precious little thing with anyone. But it is also true that I’m equally scared of not being able to share this pure joy of mine with anyone else. Very rarely, but yes, I want to share these minute miracles with someone who cares. It does make me wonder, if I will ever be able to love someone enough to want to live a life together, to want to give up my personal space for a merged togetherness, to want to tolerate the little misgivings and irritables! Will I ever be able to give up a bit of myself and make room for someone else in my life and take up similar space in theirs? How much of self-love is okay and how much is too much?

Well, I do not have any answers and I do not have any conclusion to this post. These are just midnight musings and I’m not even equipped with the brain capacity to think any bit more. But on a day or night when I have the answers and energy, you’ll be the first to know. 

Let the moon shine brightly and smile sweetly at you. May you all find peace and quiet these nights have to offer. 

Take care and sleep tight.

Hello There!

I know we all live in the same world and strangely under the same reality for the first time ever.

And I also know that it has been a long time since I posted anything here. But if you know anything about writing, you know how it is. You can only write when the mind wants to write. There is no forcing it or marching ahead no matter what. There is no other way around making one’s brain to write. So, it is the same case with me. Life got to me and I have been busy and with no space left in my brain to gather enough energy to write.

But I know I cannot stay away from this little space of mine forever and hence, here I am. So, whoever knows me, here’s a quick update and will get into the details of what all has been happening later.

I have been well and I hope you are all well and doing whatever is best for you in this situation.

Since I live in the capital city of a southern state of India and work in IT, I have been faring relatively well compared to the general population of the world. And I know that I shouldn’t complain, but I have worked 3 times more in the last 2 months than the entire Q4 of 2019-20. Partly because Q4 is usually filled with a lot of holidays and Corona has led to a lot more additional insecurity related to the Job resulting in me working harder than required. And since the last week, I have started going back to work after a long work from home period. It is not a choice and it could have been completely avoided for at least a couple more months but what can I do, I was asked to come back to the office and obliged after stalling it for 3 weeks. So, that’s that.

And before Coronavirus started its invasion, I was spending days miserably at work every day, just surviving week after week and filling weekends with endless chores and silently waiting for my bank balances to rise enough to help me make a move for my Melbourne plans. In a way, Coronavirus saved me from my depressing office setting. I wish I get to work from home for a couple more months. My productivity hit peaks during the last 2 months. I wish someone notices that and asks me to work from home for the rest of my life πŸ˜›Β  And my finances are a bit better now, with me reaching a break-even point in terms of expenses vs savings enough to survive me for a couple of years abroad. But now that we have new health scenarios in the picture, I realised that I also need to plan for health emergencies both for me and my family. It will be a few more months of toiling but I’m sure I can tolerate this job and frankly, I don’t have a lot of choices, with or without the world being this way.

And after surviving anonymity for a decade, I made a mistake last week of linking my newly created Instagram account for the blog with my personal account and it sent out notifications to everyone on my contact list. This stress caused due to this is equivalent to that of a heart attack and somehow I survived it by making the blog private for a while and deleting the said Instagram account.

To all my friends in this sphere, I hope you all are doing well in your lives and not hit by the covid19 pandemic. I would love to know that you are doing okay. Please stop by if you have a minute and drop me an email if you just want someone to talk to.

Love, Sahasra.