I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.
I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.
But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.
This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.
I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.
I want to get better, live better and try to live again.
When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.
I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.
And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.
I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.
I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.
And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.
I’m getting more and more paranoid everyday.
When i see the number of views my blog is getting, it does feel good, but it scares me as well.
When I see that most of those views are from India, it scares me a lot more.
When I see views from any other country other than India and America, i don’t panic at all.
When i talk over the phone with my family, i fear that somewhere in that house, there is an audio device that is recording every word i speak.
I feel as if someone’s taping me all the time.
When i talk to him either directly or on the phone, i feel as if he’s recording all that.
I sometimes feel like recording his words when he speaks with me for he changes his words so often that i look like the one who’s lying infront of the whole world.
I’m struggling to not panic and keep my calm.
I’m struggling to not be paranoid and look like an idiot infront of everybody.
I really don’t have any idea of what’s happening to me.
I wish there is a manual to the mind as well to know what it thinks or is feeling and that there is a neuron for everything that can be used to control how we feel.
I wish it is a little bit easy.