I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.
I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.
But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.
This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.
I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.
I want to get better, live better and try to live again.
When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.
I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.
And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.
I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.
I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.
And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.
It is an amazing thing how human body works. It is built to sustain adverse conditions, recovers and heals itself from injuries, finds ways to protect itself from the defects we are born with. Not even at the entire body level, each and every cell and nerve of our body acts this way. They protect themselves from anything different anything exterior and anything out of the ordinary. I recently managed to cut myself and having no experience in deep cutswas almost clueless at the almost 2 inch cut right below my thumb and it bled as if it would never stop. It took almost 2 weeks to completely heal and almost convinced me to think that i lost my finger to an infected injury which now seems so silly looking at the way the skin around the injury nicely patched the injury and covered it up.
I was actually reading this book “Open”, the autobiography of the Tennis Star Andre Agassi. I’m just a few pages into it and he’s making me think. I consider such books as the good ones as anything that makes me pause, think, and act.
It is surprising to know that he hated Tennis from a young age Nd he had physical conditions that never allowed him to walk normally and all his life, he not only fought his opponents but also his mind, body and heart. Such a conflict his life is. I didn’t complete the book yet. It is going to take me a while considering the hectic schedule I’m living and I hope i can complete it and do a review too.
By the way, do you know what to do when you had a deep cut on your hands or anywhere with a kitchen knife? I read so much about it in the past few weeks that you can consider me an expert. I give all the credit to my super sharp and expensive kitchen knife for the injury and google for the recovery. Read it up once if you got time. It is better to do that before cutting ourself rather than after! Anyways, i now know the guilt free way to quit cooking for a week. 😃
Take care ppl. Happy cooking during the festival season.