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A mess it is..

2017 is a weird year just like my weird life.

It gave me some of the best moments in my life and some of the worst ones too. While I love to think about the happy memories and cannot wait to relive them again, the sadness intertwined in all those scares me. But if there is one thing this year gave me, that might stay with me for a long time is that it made me fearless and confident about my capabilities. It is not that I am super confident now or anything but it is just that I’m a lot more confident about living my life in a way i want to. I now know that fighting for myself is always worth the pain. I now know that looking after yourself and loving yourself isn’t selfish. It is self preservation and realising ones self-worth.

One good thing came out of 2017. I finally took the first step towards liberation, towards a better me, towards my divorce. In 6 months, I’m going to get one. I don’t plan on living here in India for more than an year. I need to make a plan, act on it and leave this place to live my dreams.

Every year i make new year resolutions. I doubt i don’t even remember half of them by the end of January. They get lost in the rat race called life and I just end up surviving the year with no proud memories. This time it seems as if my new year started off a bit early in terms of resolutions. I already made a resolution the day I signed my divorce papers.

That I would give myself 6 months to figure out what to do with myself and to leave this job that i hate so much on the 30th of June 2018. So, I guess I’m still on that path. I was swamped with dealing with a vengeful soon to be ex and taking care of a sick parent which made me go emotionally and physically derailed. But that doesn’t mean I quit.

The fight is still on and i’m still standing. There is this one thing that I’m going to have to remind myself everyday for these 6 months. That i need to be happy in whatever I do and smile no matter how hard it feels or how lonely it gets or how scary it ends.

So here I am, smiling and still living 🙂

Happy New Year everyone. I wish this new year brings you all hope, love and joy along with the strength to face all the crap this world throws at us. Take Care.

Choices – The next 180 days # Day 177

I kind of have 2 choices.

Now that it is already the weekend, i can sulk all day and let my house rot and look like a pig sty. Trust me, a pig sty would be in a better state than my house is right now.

It is a given that his presence makes me go crazy and depressed. Any talks that involve him, his family and our marriage are triggering a storm within me. But hasn’t this happened way too many times already? I should’ve gotten used to it by now. But no, everytime I let this happen to myself. And everytime it ruins me for a few days. My house suffers, my health suffers, my work suffers, and everything comes to a halt as if I’m mourning someone or something.

But really, what am I mourning? The end of my marriage and/or the end of this relationship that bound us, our families, that was supposed to give some meaning to my life! The way I see it, I’m not the victim here. Infact nobody is. If at all we are anything, we are a victim of circumstances and social conditions. It is a good thing that getting out of this mess would help us be what we want to. He can go back to being the man he is, marry someone who could respect and love him for what he is and live life on his terms. I can go back to being the woman i was and aspire to be a better person and reach the heights that I wasn’t even supposed to dream of before.

We are just two strong individuals, who are polar opposites, with a defined path in life that didn’t seem to merge unless one of us loses everything and follow the other. We tried to make it work and like everybody would say, tried to compromise on both ends which only made us more miserable and unhappy. This affected our psychological state of mind and eventually the cracks led to a complete break.

We did fight, we did argue, we still do whenever we face each other but all of that is because we either want the other one to see our point or to completely understand and behave in a way they wanted to. This never happens/ed. We are just entirely different to the core and our expectations about the other person to be like us led us here. And in all these arguments for and about divorce and families and us, we tend to forget the real reason here and end up fighting about silly things like shared house work and taking out trash. When in reality, these are not the things we are really fighting for. We are actually fighting about the way we perceive our partner to be and the way they actually are. Adjustments work when it is about “what’s for dinner or who’s going to fold the clothes”, but they wouldn’t work when it is about leaving your job and pursuing higher studies, not wanting kids until it feels right, not lying to each other just for the sake of lying because it is a behavioral trait. Arguing about these things would be pointless as they are things that make people what they are and that cannot be changed unless you want the person to borrow a completely different brain.

But again, it took me ages to understand this and I’m not sure how many more ages would it take for him to realise it all. And for this reason alone that I understood what it was all about and have atleast a faint idea of what it might be, I cannot hate him despite all the creeps he gives me. I cannot love him but couldn’t hate him either because i cannot hate a man for being himself. Though he uses his high pitched tone and towering height to conquer arguments, I’m no perfect as i have my bouts of anger too that ate 2 of my phones. Yes, I’m out of line on that and have been practising self-control ever since I realised it.

The only thing I’m guilty about is that in the process of understanding all of this, i left my family a burden that they’ll have to carry forever and threw them into uncertain and ruthless future. They didn’t ask for any of this mess they were in nor they deserve this. This thing alone kills me every single time and it will take a lot of time to heal these wounds. I think this is why I get depressed whenever I see him or talk to him or about him. It somehow reopens these wounds. Just like the self-control thing, i need to practice restraint and try to help my mind try to disconnect him with my wounds.

So, coming down to what I started, I now have 2 choices. Either I think all of these again and again in repeat in my brain and let it kill me or I write it down, come to a conclusion, understand it for what it is, let it go and get off this bed and live life.

So, I’m choosing the 2nd one and going to live instead of sulking in the past forever. I’m going to try not to let him or his thoughts add salt to my wounds as that would be an unfair act to me by myself.

So, I’m going to publish this post, get off this bed, get myself together, maky my pigsty into a home again, eat, drink, prep for the week and study. These are my tasks for today on my 180 Day Project.

6 months

I don’t know, but i feel like I have no reason to live nor to die.

I don’t have the will to live nor the courage to die.

But now, today, i have decided something. I’m giving myself 6 months. On the 31st of June 2018, I’m going to resign from my job. Before that, I want to figure out what to do next.

This next is both career wise and life wise as well. I don’t want to live a meaningless life anymore. I want to make my everyday count. One good deed, one smile and one step forward everyday.

I just want to hang on to that deadline and live everyday giving my best to it.

I want to get better, live better and try to live again.

When i married, or when I tried to end my marriage, or when I tried to hold on to it, I don’t exactly know when, but something died inside me. I don’t know why it feels like I’ve sold my soul and feel like there’s no way going back. That desire to live just died. But somewhere within me, there is still a part of my heart that bleeds for my parents and my sister which isn’t letting me die. And so, for my heart that held on, i want to try living again.

I cannot live like nothing and nobody. I want to die a happy woman. Doesn’t matter when i die, but when my parents pass away, they need to be happy when they think about me. I cannot let them leave this world thinking or worrying about their broken daughter. I need to fix myself. Learn to love myself and do something in life.

And the day I’m proud of myself, i will reveal myself on this blog. That day, i hope to look back at all these days, with a smile and say, it was me and i survived that phase of life where there’s nothing but darkness.

I somehow know that I’m my biggest strength and weakness as well. I’m the one who is holding myself. It is only me who can help me. Unless i start helping myself, no external help is going to work. I need to be brave and face the consequences whatever they are. I need to be my strength and my parent’s as well. I cannot shut myself from the world and hide in the dark forever. I want to live life, facing the good, bad and ugly versions of it with equal grace. I need to stop comparing myself with others and learn to be happy for them and respect myself for my choices.

I want to be a confident, loving and happy human being who loves the world and herself as well.

And everyday, i will remind myself of this resolution of mine until i become one such.

Love, 👩

Relive

I have no clue how people with tough lives and sad memories write memoirs or autobiographies. It is such a painful thing to do. It is almost as if the person is reliving their entire life which is more painful than the original version. Atleast in the original, we just live experiencing pain or any feelings along the way. But while writing, we recollect everything and anything the mind remembers. And you see, this thing called brain is so amazingly weird that it remembers everything that caused you pain but forgets others point of view entirely. In such cases, writing becomes the most painful and tiring activity one has ever performed.

It crushes the soul like anything breaking the heart into millions of pieces every waking minute and day. And at times like this when you realise that there is a pattern in your life and you might have repeated your past mistakes, just kills you. It need not be true but to people like me, everything seems to be wrong or done the wrong way or done for the wrong reasons, in retrospect.

I wish it was easy. 😐 Or atleast, i wish it wasn’t this lonely.

Tears

Tears just wouldn’t stop. Till a moment ago, I had the excuse of onions in front of me. But now, they are done too. It has been the same since a couple of days. The fact that i have to leave for my real life tomorrow, is just killing me. It feels so heavy in the heart. And trying to write this out isn’t helping at all. Tears are bursting out allover. I had to lock myself in the room to prevent mum from watching me like this. These tears weren’t forced or fake. A pained heart is just crying out loud to take some weight of it.

I wish i know what my problem is. I know it is my marriage that is making me so unhappy. But there are no solid reasons to it. Well, it looks like the heart registers everything the mind wants to forget. Life proves to me again that no matter what, mind cannot control everything.